The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Andi argue in St. Lucia before she leaves.

Bachelor Breakdown – I Juant You To Juant Me

By now we all know our Bachelor Juan Pablo is a man of action and not words, so you can imagine the excitement he feels knowing he gets the spend the night with three of his favorite women. Well, Juan Pablo…I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.

This week the remaining girls and Juan Pablo travel to the beautiful island of St. Lucia, and before you go “Awwwww, how romantic” you best read my previous explanation on why falling in love on islands is a terrible idea.

If you still don’t believe that islands are dangerous and cursed, then let’s have another history lesson. St. Lucia was the home of another “great” Bachelor romance. It’s also the place where Season 14 Bachelor Jake Pavelka proposed to the love of his life, Vienna. Fairy tale endings don’t just happen in Disney movies, people.

JAKE yells at Vienna on the bachelor.

Man, love is amazing.

Strangely, Juan Pablo is VERY excited to spend time “with” St. Lucia, because he talks about the island with the exact words he uses to describe the girls:

“Oh, Sain Looosha, you are so pray-teeee. You are so nice and relaxing and so beautiful. I’m juss going to have eh lot of fun.” – Juan Pablo, who apparently wants to make-out with an island.

HE still can’t believe that in two weeks he will propose to one of the three remaining women, while THE REST OF THE WORLD still can’t believe that he’s actually thinking about marrying someone without even knowing what their middle name is. And you’re right…Juan Pablo would probably mispronounce the name and then forget it anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

And while we all know that Juan Pablo has trouble holding a meaningful conversation, there’s no denying this guy’s physical skills. He can make-out and caress a face with the best of them. Heck, if relationships were based solely on knowing the terrain of a woman’s ears and cheekbones, then Juan Pablo would be in love with all of these girls. He’s a MILLION times better at face-mapping than that blind chick from Lionel Richie’s “Hello” video.

Lionel Richie Hello gif

Obviously, the time for messing around is over. Juan Pablo only has two weeks to truly get to know the three remaining girls or he risks becoming engaged to a total stranger. Good thing he’s ready to buckle down and take this process seriously.

“¡¡¡It ess Overnight Week – which means NO CAMERAS!!!” – Juan Pablo, not planning on doing much talking.

These three girls are all going to wake up pregnant, aren’t they?

Let’s check out what happened in St. Lucia!

“The Rules Are Clare”

The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Clare ride a boat in St. Lucia.

Clare is ready to live out her “fairy tale” with the “man of her dreams,” Juan Pablo. Unfortunately, her fairy tale includes two other princesses, a troll sister, and a prince charming who hates talking and fighting.

Now, we already knew that Clare wasn’t very well-traveled, but she’s also not much of a reader.

“It’s finally time for my love story.” – Clare, who has apparently read some horrible love stories.

Perhaps dropping a small hint, Juan Pablo takes Clare out on a small motorboat nicknamed “Give Thanks” since I’m sure he knows that Clare is uncertain about the overnight part of the date. So in other words, Clare should “give thanks” to him for still being on the show despite him kinda, sorta calling her a slut.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo on a boat.

Juan Pablo was miffed at the possibility of not spending the night with Clare.

“We get all day together! No time limit.”
“…And all into the night too.”
“Maybe.”
“Oh yeah, I know.”

He was probably confused since they were surrounded by the ocean, and expected Clare to react to the water in the same way a kitten reacts to a ball filled with catnip. He was equally disappointed when they eventually arrived at the real location for their date: a gigantic yacht with a bed in the front.

“They’t is one uselass bed.” – Juan Pablo, in his mind.

Clare remembers how going into the ocean upset Juan Pablo in Vietnam because he claimed it set a bad example for his daughter. She wants to respect that and take it seriously. Desperate for a way around his “stupid” rules, he invites Clare for a dip in the water, but this time he positions the cameras UNDERWATER to prove they can swim without having sex.

“See, we just playing the pool games!!!” – Juan Pablo, probably

clare and bachelor Juan Pablo swim in St. Lucia.

To this point, Juan Pablo’s had ZERO concerns with privacy and public intimacy, but in order to change Clare’s mind he reminds her that there are no cameras in the fantasy suite. In a stroke of bad timing, Clare picks this moment to finally have a talk with him about the one subject he’s trying to avoid: Camila.

Whether Clare was pushing the issue to get back at him for calling her a skank in Vietnam, or if she genuinely was concerned for Camila we’ll never know, but either way it drew attention to how much Juan Pablo HATES logic and common sense. Just because something isn’t documented on video doesn’t mean it never happened. Trust me. I had to search forever to find a clip on YouTube just to prove that Juan Pablo actually played professional soccer.

And speaking of scoring, in the ultimate gesture of class and romance, Chris Harrison still invites the contestants to spend the night together via a form letter. Juan Pablo hands Clare their letter the same way a seventh grader would pass a note asking out a girl in their math class.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo read the fantasy suite letter in St. Lucia.

Clare still reminds him of their Vietnam discussion and wants to respect Camila. Juan Pablo has run out of ways to convince her, and resorts to good old-fashioned peer pressure:

“This is overnights, and this is what we do.” – Juan Pablo, being direct and a little sexual harassy.

Clare reconsiders.

“Since the day he blindfolded me I’ve learned to trust him. Everything he’s told me to trust him about he’s followed through.” – Clare, wanting to have sex too, but won’t admit it while the cameras are on her.

He strokes her face and asks what she’s thinking about. Clare admits her love for Juan Pablo. He couldn’t be happier, and makes the same face a father would when told about an unexpected pregnancy.

Clare tells the bachelor Juan pablo that she loves him.

“He’s that man that I want to have babies with.” – Clare, taking it next level.

Remember the first thing you saw when she stepped out of that limo, bro? That could all be yours.

Clare plays a fake pregnancy joke on Juan pablo during the Bachelor.

…and we wouldn’t be surprised if it happened tonight.

Chances they had sex: Oh, you mean “again?”

“The Cowboy Way”

If Juan Pablo had any hopes of sleeping with Nikki tonight he’s probably going to have to pay for it by the hour. The “cowboys” Nikki talks about only accept one dollar bills.

Nikki wears very revealing clothing for her date with Bachelor Juan Pablo in St. Lucia.

It’s also possible that her luggage was lost on the flight to St. Lucia, and that she had to make her clothes out of the small tasseled rug from her hotel room. If that were the case then “hey, great stitch work!”

Predictably, Juan Pablo can’t stop talking about how sexy Nikki looks, and wishes she “wore a thong.” However, that probably would have made it hard to go horseback riding, and it also would have taken away the need for the fantasy suite.

“Good thing I brought pants today.” – Nikki, not getting it.

Nikki knows she’s loves Juan Pablo, but understands she could get hurt and questions how he feels about her since he hasn’t made his mind up yet. Nikki likes the magic and sparkle in Juan Pablo’s eyes, and that – – –

Nikki tells the bachelor Juan Pablo she loves him in St. Lucia.

Needless to say, Nikki quickly accepted the overnight invitation, but not before she proclaims her love for him. However, it seems like she “proclaimed” a lot more than that by choosing to dress like a belly dancer.

I only wish we could have seen her parents’ reaction to this date. Her super supportive mom was probably like “Well, Aladdin WAS her favorite Disney movie.”

Chances they had sex: I’m surprised they even made it to the fantasy suite. Nikki might as well be working at Staples, because that was…

Easy-Button

“Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls”

Juan Pablo appreciates Andi’s ability to “go with flow” so he takes her exploring at the Dennery Seafood Fiesta, a small St. Lucian market. What Andi doesn’t know is that in Venezuela “going with the flow” means doing things you’re terrible at. Bro…if she can barely move her feet trying to dance, there’s NO WAY Andi is going to be able to play drums with this Caribbean band.

Andi and the Bachelor Juan pablo play the drums in St. Lucia.

St. Lucia might be filled with beautiful beaches, delicious food and incredible weather, but they also have the WORST child safety education. These three kids had no problem sitting by two complete strangers and accepting juice from them.

Andi and the Bachelor Juan pablo sit by a group of St. Lucian boys.

Play a pickup game of soccer with a shirtless man? “Yes, yes…sounds good.”

You might be surprised that he knows it, but Juan Pablo is a big believer in the American saying “If it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it,” because the rest of their date consisted of making out underneath a waterfall. So if Clare’s trigger is large bodies of water, then Andi’s must be water that falls off of cliffs. Seriously, if you ever took Andi to Niagra Falls she would probably get pregnant with quadruplets.

Andi “badly” wants to fall in love and this concerns Juan Pablo, but mostly because he “badly” wants her to spend the night with him. Andi thought it was “cute” that he actually had an opinion and listened to her for once. Judging by what happens later, she probably wishes he were cute more often.

The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Andi get ready for their overnight date in St. Lucia.

When Andi woke up the next morning she couldn’t wait to leave the fantasy suite. She thought she had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the evening turned into “a nightmare” and “a disaster.”

“I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.” – Andi

My immediate thoughts were “Oh man, Juan Pablo has female genitalia, doesn’t he?!” but thankfully Andi was only referring to the end of their relationship. Good. We don’t need to watch the sequel to The Crying Game.

But how did she get to this point so quickly? A few hours ago she was making out with him under a waterfall and talking about becoming engaged. It seemed like their breakup forced Bachelor fans to take sides: was Andi right, or was Juan Pablo?

I guess we’ll never know for sure, but we can sure try. The only fair way to determine the winner is to fight about it like teenagers.

Andi and Juan Pablo fight in St. Lucia.

Let’s examine some of the quotes from their argument and pick a winner. Ok, let’s get reaaaaady to rummmmmbllllle!


“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy about Andi. We frakin’ laugh and talk for hours and hours…hours…like hours. I’m happy. I’m very happy.” – Juan Pablo

Happiness is a matter of perception. For someone like Juan Pablo, EVERYTHING is fun, and “eh blast” and a “pray-tee good time.” He could easily be one of those LEGO characters singing the “Everything is Awesome!” song. The fact that he found joy talking to a girl all night instead of hooking up with her is a major indication that he was right in this case. Andi should have “seen” the fun in it.

JUAN PABLO: 1
ANDI: 0

“I really hope he didn’t think that was a ‘good’ date.” – Andi

I’ve been on some horrible dates in my life. Like, some where I wish I could have done what this chick from Better Off Dead did:

So yes, horrible dates exist. But spending the day exploring St. Lucia and the evening talking to a beautiful woman in a world class hotel WOULD NOT be one of them. So even if Andi didn’t enjoy the conversation, it’s at the very least still a “good” date and most likely an “above average” to “great” one.

JUAN PABLO: 2
ANDI: 0

 “I had great dates with him. I’m not going to deny the fact that I had some great times with him.” – Andi

So let me get this straight: To Andi, a “less than good” date is spending time alone on a tropical island with the man she talked about possibly marrying, but a “great” date could be any of the following:

a) Posing semi-nude with dogs…and with other girls.
b) Playing a sport you suck at, like soccer…with other girls.
c) Singing – something else you hate…with other girls.
d) Watching another girl kiss your boyfriend all day and farming…with other girls.

Yes, those sound “GREAT!”

Bachelor Juan Pablo reassures Andi.

That being said, Juan Pablo kissed Andi several thousand times on those dates, so he would agree. This one’s a tie, so they both get a point.

JUAN PABLO: 3
ANDI: 1

 “Not once did he ask anything about me. Every time I would start to talk about something from my past it was always him who was telling his own story. I just didn’t see someone who cared for me.” – Andi

At some point Juan Pablo needed to simmer down on his kissing attacks and actually spend time having a conversation. True, he’s not the best at speaking English, but he’s definitely not the worst either. It’s not like the girls are dating a Korean foreign exchange student or one of those African tribesman that only speak using clicking noises.

JUAN PABLO: 3
ANDI: 2

 “When he said he had an overnight with Clare. It was inappropriate to me. It blew my mind that he thought that was ok to talk about.” – Andi

To Juan Pablo, honesty is the best policy, even if the truth is hurtful. If you ask him if you “look fat in those jeans” he’s most likely going to say “yes” followed by a “well, why did you want to know?” Juan Pablo would have the hardest time landing an interview for a job because he would never embellish on his resumé, and I’m sure Camila found out long ago that Santa Claus isn’t real.

He’s like Jim Carrey’s character in Liar, Liar except that he would never slap his hand over his mouth when he said something offensive. However, I bet Andi would LOVE to face him in court.

Liar Liar – Turkey Scene

JUAN PABLO: 3
ANDI: 3

 “I realized that I wasn’t in love with you.” – Andi
“It’s fine. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Ess okay.” – Juan Pablo
“It’s not okay. When you say ‘esss okay’ that bothers me.” – Andi

Andi needs to understand that feelings go both ways. While Juan Pablo cannot force her to love him, she also shouldn’t expect him to react a certain way because she’s leaving. It’s like she’s mad that he’s not…mad. Of course, this is the same guy with two other girls in his back pocket, so Juan Pablo has the advantage in this one. It would be like playing poker against someone who had a royal flush in their hand and you try to call their bluff.

JUAN PABLO: 4
ANDI: 3

 “You only has to think about one guy, and I has to think about 27 other girls. Am I going to die right now. No. Is it sad for me? Yes. I like Andi. If I did not like Andi then trust me, you would not be here.” – Juan Pablo

First of all, Juan Pablo’s bumping up his numbers here a little bit so I need to correct him. He cut twelve of the girls on the first rose ceremony. Do you really think he spent any time thinking about the crazy massage chick after the first night?

Well…maybe a little.

Amy J practically has an orgasm while giving a massage to Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Of the fifteen that are left, he’s really only tried with a handful of them: Clare, Nikki, Andi, Sharleen and Renee. You might even be able to convince me that he gave Cassandra and Chelsie a chance, so at the most he liked seven girls. How many of us have had seven girlfriends at the same time? How many of us have had seven girlfriends in our entire life?

JUAN PABLO: 5
ANDI: 3

 “I want to die if I hear ‘ESS OKAY” again.” – Andi

Andi should be more sensitive to his “language barriers,”  but she’s right.

JUAN PABLO: 5
ANDI: 4

 “You said it was between Renee and myself, and I am here ‘by default’ or something.” – Andi
“The word ‘day-fault’ is not in my vocabulary. I said you ‘barely’ made it here.” – Juan Pablo

Bachelor Juan Pablo tells Andi she was not there by default.

Remember, this is the same guy who referred to gay people as “perverted” when he meant to say “passionate.” Still, if you’re going to use synonyms you have to understand that they don’t mean different things.

JUAN PABLO: 5
ANDI: 5

 “There’s a difference between being honest and being an a**hole.” – Andi

Obviously Juan Pablo never read “Highlights for Kids” as a child. He could have learned some things:

The Bachelor Juan Pablo as the Highlights cartoon Goofus and Gallant.

JUAN PABLO: 5
ANDI: 6

 “What religion do I practice? What are my political views? What are my views on social issues? How do I want to raise my kids? Do you have any idea about any of that???” – Andi

The short answer is “no” – Juan Pablo doesn’t know any of those things about Andi. The long answer is “why should he have to learn those things in something called the FANTASY SUITE?” Call me crazy, but not many people’s “fantasy” involves debates about the pros and cons of Obamacare or an analysis of how we can solve childhood obesity. The fantasy suite is for one thing: fantasy-ing.

Those things should have been discussed during all the “great” dates she had with him instead of sucking face.

JUAN PABLO: 6
ANDI: 6

On the flip side…

Bachelor Juan Pablo asks Andi what his religion is and she replies Catholic.

Okay…touché. You should know SOMETHING about her, bro.

JUAN PABLO: 6
ANDI: 7

What in the?

Bachelor Juan Pablo pulls Andi's eyebrow.

I’ve seen gorillas at the zoo do less hair grooming than Juan Pablo.

JUAN PABLO: 6
ANDI: 8

 “Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit. She is a lawyer. I’m not wanna argue with a lawyer. Honestly, putting words in my mouth, it just kill it right there.” – Juan Pablo

Well, someone has to put words in your mouth. If Juan Pablo’s “out” whenever there’s a disagreement then how is this bro going to get married? Best of luck to Nikki and Clare.

JUAN PABLO: 6
ANDI: 9

 “He doesn’t get it. He never will. It’s not a language barrier. I like honesty, but no one wants to be with someone who’s that honest and makes you feel bad about yourself and puts you down. No woman wants to be with someone like that.” – Andi

It’s probably not a language barrier, but it’s definitely a gender barrier. Sorry ladies, a lot of guys just aren’t going to care as much as you do.

FINAL SCORE
JUAN PABLO:
 6
ANDI: 10

Congratulations, Andi. You’ll probably be the next Bachelorette.

Chances they had sex: Are you kidding me? Hey…two for three ain’t bad, though. Juan Pablo may not not have reached Bob Guiney status, but…

Andi and Kelly make fun of Juan Pablo and ess ok.

“Two Different Worlds”

At the rose ceremony, Clare and Nikki awaited the arrival of host, Chris Harrison. They gave each other their usual warm and cordial greeting.

Clare and Nikki wait for Juan Pablo at the St. Lucia rose ceremony.

Chris Harrison explains Andi’s departure in his usual not alarming and not “making-it-sound-like-they-died” way:

“Andi’s…no longer here.” – Chris

There were two roses…and two women, so the intensity of the previous rose ceremonies wasn’t there. But then again, didn’t we all kind of know it would be these two in the end anyway?


In Conclusion…

Looking forward to this:

Clare and Nikki cry on The Bachelor.

Adios! See you next week!

Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:

Episode 1 – Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 – Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 – Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 – Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 – Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 – Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 – Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 – Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 – And Then There Was Juan

The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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