The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Andi in Vietnam.

Bachelor Breakdown – Good Morning Viet-Juan

As the girls and our Bachelor Juan Pablo continue their tour of all things Asian, the key word seems to be “confusion.” Some girls seemingly grow closer to his heart, but are left wondering if he feels the same way about them. Some fall further by the wayside, and are left confused about why he didn’t want to get to know them better. However, shouldn’t ALL of them be asking this question: “Do I really want Juan Pablo?”

Let me explain…

“What About Bob?”

bob-guiney-bachelor

Everyone remembers Bob Guiney, right? He was that slightly overweight, funny guy from the first season of The Bachelorette. He made a few jokes about his weight and got to make out with Bachelorette-goddess Trista, who kept him around for a few weeks before letting him go. Pretty good gig, right? Well, by the time he left the show it was too late: America was IN LOVE with Bob and was so pissed he didn’t receive a rose.

Is this sounding familiar to this season?

Like Juan Pablo, Bob rode that popularity wave into becoming The Bachelor and girls everywhere couldn’t even handle it:

“Oh my gosh, I LOOOOOOOVE Bob so much. He’s SOOOOOO funny and he’ll just make us laugh so much, and we’ll love him, and oh man sign me up, girlfriennnnnd!!!!!!!” – American females in 2003

Well, long story short…Bob as The Bachelor was a horrible idea. He wasn’t funny, he lost weight for the show and didn’t have that “fat guy” charm anymore (looking at you, Jonah Hill), and worst of all – Bob turned out to be kind of a mega douche.

Not to mention that we had to hear his awful evil clown laugh all the time:

However, none of that stopped Bob from becoming one of the most legend…wait for it…dary Bachelors ever. To this day he still holds the unofficial record for having sex with the most women on the show at 5.5 – a stunning total, to say the least. And I know what you’re all thinking: “What girl was the .5 and how do you have ‘half sex’ with someone?”

These are questions that need answers…but I digress.

Anyway, Bob ended up choosing some chick named Estella, but they broke up like ten minutes after the show aired – probably because her name was Estella. Guiney parlayed that relationship into marrying former All My Children actress Rebecca Budig, a HUGE upgrade. Their marriage lasted about six years, which is pretty impressive considering he came from The Bachelor and she came from a soap opera.

Bob hosted a few TV shows and even put out a super, super, super, super terrible album:

Bob Guiney – Girlfriend

Bob probably loves his life, but did America still love Bob? **SPOILER ALERT** Probably not as much.

My point is that things are not always what they seem, and Juan Pablo is coming dangerously close to becoming the next Bob. Don’t make us fall out of love with you, Juan Pablo. If you think disappointing Ca-MEE-la is bad, just wait until you’re up against a nation of pissed off women.

Oh, and PLEASE never make a Spanish house music album.

They say spending time in Vietnam changes a man forever. Let’s see how our Bachelor does this week.

Juan Pablo is excited about the romantic possibilities in one of the most UN-romantic countries in the world: Vietnam. The only things I know about Vietnam are from the movies, so that’s almost a guarantee that at least one of the girls will go crazy and/or turn to prostitution. However, it would actually be funny to see Chelsie walking around some village saying “Me go boom boom long time.” Ratings would skyrocket.

Although some parts of Vietnam are worth seeing, I bet most of his dates will include some of Vietnam’s “finer” amenities such as:

Bachelor Juan Pablo dates Renee in Vietnam.

And if you think that water looks really dirty you haven’t seen ANYTHING. Clare hasn’t even been in the ocean yet.

But I’m getting WAAAAY ahead of myself.

Ok Vietnam, whatcha got?

YES! YES! YES! YES!

OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH! Renee’s going to Wrestlemania, bruuutha!

Renee is excited for her date with Bachelor Juan Pablo. WWE Daniel Bryan and his YES chant.

Well…not really, but she’s probably, maybe, more than likely going to have a chance at kissing Juan Pablo this week. Now she’ll only be ten behind on Sharleen and Clare!

All of the girls seemed genuinely happy to see Renee FINALLY get the one on one date. And…well, they SHOULD be happy since Renee’s probably had to sit and stroke the hair of most of these girls as they cried on the floor of a bathroom stall. However, one piece of advice, Renee: I would not do any of those things in a Vietnamese bathroom. Just sayin’.

At the same time you can’t help but instantly feel bad for Renee. It’s bad enough that she’s being strung along by Juan Pablo, but she clearly is way more into him than he is into her. Her palms even hurt because she was so excited about the date. HER HANDS HURT! If Juan Pablo’s hands were ever that swollen before a date he would be useless. How would he be able to manhandle the girl’s face while he made out with her?

Juan Pablo plans to show Renee around the city. Earlier, Kat compared Juan Pablo to the elusive Carmen San Diego, the fictitious video game character who travels the world and steals things. In reality, Juan Pablo would be the easiest person to find in the world because he SCREAMS tourist. If he’s not walking around by himself saying “Hi” to everyone in broken English, then he’s doing totally newb stuff like holding all his cash out like a 5-year old at the candy store.

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Renee rent a bike for their date.

Hermano, this is Viet-effin’ Nam. Those cyclo drivers negotiate just like everyone else does. He would peddle you around the entire city all day for like five bucks. Heck…you probably could have traded him Kelly’s dog, Molly for that stroller cart AND the guy’s house. Molly would feed his family for a solid month.

Renee then asks Juan Pablo the worst question of the entire show:

“How do you say ‘Hello’ in Vietnamese?” – Renee, forgetting who she’s talking to

Realizing they probably look too much like tourists, Juan Pablo insists on having a Vietnamese dress personally tailored for Renee. He couldn’t help but stare at Renee’s body while the woman took her measurements, because to her son, Ben, I’m sure watching some guy check out his mom’s rack on national TV is way worse than kissing her.

Bachelor Juan pablo checks out Renee's bust size on their date for a new dress.

Renee can’t stop thanking Juan Pablo for all the stuff he’s buying for her. Bro is just MAKIN’ IT RAIN with the dress, the flowers, and Ben’s little Asian rice picker hat. She must not realize that some ABC assistant producer basically stuffed a wad of cash in his pocket ten minutes before their date and was like “Hey, sorry bro, but it’s all we had left in the budget for this segment. I guess share something for lunch?”

And then I’m like “what budget???” Lately it’s been just him and the ladies walking around everywhere doing random things. The expense for the camera crew is about five times what their actual dates cost.

Renee and the Bachelor Juan pablo go to dinner on their date.

Renee shows up in her fancy new Vietnamese dress for dinner. Good thing she got all gussied up because the restaurant sign looks like someone just wrote over the old one with a Sharpie.

Juan Pablo keeps mentioning how he and Renee are “on the same page,” but I’m not sure what book they are reading. Juan Pablo is dating ten other women and basically wants a stepmom for Ca-MEE-la who’s at least as hot as his ex-wife, while Renee is quickly falling for a guy who barely speaks English and has absolutely ZERO interest in raising her son.

It sounds more like they’re reading one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books from the 80s.

choose-your-own-adventure-FINAL-ROSE

Renee’s on page 21 where she is proposed to during the final rose ceremony [THE END], while Juan Pablo is on page 54 where it says:

If you want to string Renee along for another week, turn to page 15.
If you want to send Renee home because you don’t want more baggage, turn to page 45.
If you want to kiss Renee, but not give her a rose, go to page 5.

Despite the “perfect” date, Renee says she’s fine with not kissing Juan Pablo after he presented her with a rose. He shuts her down on the kiss (again) because…Ben, or whatever.

Dude, Ben is an eight year old boy. He doesn’t watch The Bachelor. His favorite show is probably Wizards of Waverly Place or whatever other lame tween show is on the Disney Channel. He has no idea what The Bachelor is. Second, if he did happen to watch this show, I’m sure he’s got a few questions that don’t involve Juan Pablo kissing his mom:

“How come that girl always flashes her privates?”
“Is he married to all those other girls too?”
“Why was he naked with those two girls and those dogs?”
– Future Ben

Seriously bro, throw the chick a bone. Kiss Renee.

Even Desiree kissed Michael G. the same week he knew he was going home.

Michael says he'd die happy after kissing Desiree on their date on the Bachelorette.

The Clare Favorite

The clue for this date was “Can You Go With the Flow?” so all the girls speculated that they were doing something fun in the water. Little did Clare know how true that would turn out to be.

Since bike riding and killing chickens were too costly, Juan Pablo and the girls hit the river for the next best traditional Vietnamese activity – riding in these bamboo circle boats. The bad part is that each boat only holds two people, so after the other girls easily paired off it was Clare left all alone with Juan Pablo. Kelly explains why:

“Here’s the thing about Clare. She doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when he says ‘pair up’ everyone has a friend, and Clare doesn’t. It’s the first time in anyone’s life that having no friends is an advantage.” – Kelly, probably mad she has friends

However, it really didn’t matter who was with Juan Pablo, because they were all still able to have a great time talking together and no one felt singled out or favored.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo kiss on the bamboo boats during the group date.

Hungry from all the mouth paddling, Juan Pablo leads the girls to Tra Que Village, where he asks a random Vietnamese guy for some food. Instead, the guy gives them each a paddy hat and puts them to work in his vegetable garden.

“I think they’re going to show us some traditional things here.” – Juan Pablo

Bachelor Juan Pablo and the girls go to Tra Que Village in Vietnam.

Cassandra is having the time of her life:

“It’s a big community and they all work together. I wish we had this back in America.” – Cassandra

Ummm, we do have this in America. They’re called farms.

Andi is feeling insecure about where she stands with Juan Pablo, but he quickly sets aside any doubts she might have…at least temporarily.

Bachelor Juan Pablo reassures Andi.

Later they eat what they spent hours picking, so I’m thinking they probably don’t have to leave a tip.

Later that evening, Clare is feeling the hate from the other girls, but doesn’t care what they think about her. Juan Pablo doesn’t help the situation when he picks her first for some one on one time. Or should I say…a continuation of their date.

There’s been a lot of talk about Juan Pablo wanting to make Clare “feel comfortable” and how he admires her for “trying new things.” Most guys would say these things as an excuse to hook up with a girl, which is probably why Juan Pablo immediately took Clare back to his suite to go swimming.

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Clare kiss in the pool on their group date.

Clare’s hot and Juan Pablo wants to hook up with her like all the time. We get it. What we DON’T get is what things she’s done that are SOOOOOOO out of a normal person’s “comfort zone” that they deserve to be constantly rewarded.

Here’s the list of things Clare has done so far:

1) Went sledding
2) Had a snowball fight
3) Kind of, sort of ice-skated
4) Made out in a hot tub
5) Cried in a bathroom
6) Sang karaoke
7) Took pictures in a photo booth
8) Went on a paddle boat
9) Got a fish pedicure
10) Ate a tiny piece of octopus
11) Paddled a boat
12) Picked some vegetables

Oh man, Clare, you are SOOOOOOOOOO OFF THE CHAIN LOCO! Just thinking about doing any of those things makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Seriously, she should have her own show on the Travel Channel where she goes to different places and just does like the wildest things. She could go to Paris and feed some pigeons at the Eiffel Tower, or maybe visit Mexico and eat a burrito (as long as the salsa wasn’t too spicy), and then off to Germany to go to a…library. So many crazy, insane things – the possibilities are endless! Plus, the last time I checked Chelsie was the one who had to jump off a bridge. Where are her make-out sessions?

Sharleen is feeling less “organic” about their relationship and questions the connection they have.

“He needs to see me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” – Sharleen

Which is ironic, since every time he kisses Sharleen he mangles her face like a bear trap collapsing on a young cub.

And speaking of bear analogies, even Winnie the Pooh is more careful with his honey pots. Seriously, be nice to her face. She has to perform for a living.

Sharleen kisses Bachelor Juan Pablo on the beach in Vietnam. pooh-honey

In case there was any doubt, the rose went to Clare because, “comfort zone.” Clare was “overwhelmed” and “felt incredible” but what say the other girls?

Alli, Kelly, Sharleen, Andi and Cassandra hate Clare on the Bachelor.

One of Clare’s bucket list items is to swim in a warm ocean, even though she lives in Sacramento, California. Yes, the beaches are pretty cold that far north, but a weekend drive to Los Angeles is not something that’s too far fetched. It shouldn’t be on your bucket list. It’s like someone from Buffalo who really, really, really wants to see the Statue of Liberty. Yeah, just like…drive there.

Clare sneaks off to Juan Pablo’s suite (at 4:00 am) and hopes she can convince him to take her for a “swim” in the ocean. He quickly accepts because, “feeling comfortable.”

Clare invites the Bachelor Juan Pablo for a swim in the ocean.

We’ll never know for sure what exactly went down in that ocean, but Clare and Juan Pablo gave us plenty of James Bond metaphors to try and figure it out:

“I’ve never been all the way in.”
“I wanna get to know more of the Clare I want to know.”
“It was like heaven on earth.”
“She’s on fire.”
“The waves were wild, and we got a little wild too.”
“This thing that we have is nothing like any other.”
“He was holding on pretty tight, and I wasn’t letting go.”
“I just want to have that special moment together and let myself be vulnerable.”
“We just went for it, and I don’t regret it.”
“Pure bliss, in every way.”
“We all deserve to feel that amazing feeling.”
“You know when a baby giraffe is born and they have those wobbly legs? It takes a minute to process everything.”

Ok, the one thing that for sure went down was Juan Pablo’s swimming trunks.

“Do you think they’ve gone to second base yet?” – Kelly

Explain this one to Ben and Ca-MEE-la.

To Hell and Back

At this point it’s hard to tell who is hated more by the other girls – Nikki or Clare – but when Nikki says she can’t wait to leave the house so she “doesn’t have to spend another day with those girls” then she doesn’t do herself any favors. Once again, Nikki…it’s NATIONAL TV.

As he waits for Nikki to show up, all Juan Pablo can think about is last night with Clare. I’m no detective, but a guy isn’t going to obsess over a girl if all they did was take a swim in the ocean together. The fact that Nikki keeps calling Juan Pablo her “boyfriend” makes this so much more awesome.

It became instantly more awesomer when Juan Pablo told Nikki about their date – repelling into a monstrously steep underground cave nicknamed “Hell.”

Bachelor Juan Pablo tells Nikki about their hike to Hell in Vietnam.

“I either live, die or poop my pants.” – Nikki

Juan Pablo went first. Undoubtedly so he could enjoy the view.

Nikki and Bachelor Juan Pablo go repelling in Hell in Vietnam.

Nikki was clearly terrified and uncomfortable, so by Juan Pablo logic he probably won’t kiss her at the end of the date. You better learn to ice skate first, honey. Then you’ll have done something truly worthy of his kisses.

Juan Pablo asks Nikki why she chose to become a “petroatrich”“pedoattrial”“pedroattic”… … …a kid nurse.

“It’s because I’m like super compassionate and I have like the HUGEST heart.” – Nikki

It’s also a big plug for her possibly becoming Camila’s step-mom, and Juan Pablo thinks all of this is so very bueno. “I like Nikki the nurse,” said Juan Pablo, speaking directly to Nikki, when he could have just said “I like you.”

“This is a potential wife right here.” – Juan Pablo

Just wait until she has to share something with Camila.

Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

Tensions were high at the start of the rose ceremony festivities, but Clare broke the awkward silence with a toast that may or may not have contained some hidden meaning:

Andi couldn’t decide if she was in the “friend zone” or just another make-out buddy for Juan Pablo, but after about 30 seconds of mildly serious conversation, they were both sick of talking and kissed again. This is probably Andi’s little “Latino fling” before she goes back to being a lawyer or becomes the next Bachelorette.

Renee was up next, and she was still hopeful to grab a kiss from Juan Pablo. Finally, she told him to shut up about Ben and Camila. He grabbed her face (and she his face!) and the rest is history.

And speaking of history, let’s look at what finally led up to this magical moment:

Renee and Bachelor Juan Pablo kiss in Vietnam.

…and that’s just this episode.

The best part was Juan Pablo’s public shaming of Clare. In an effort to remain “fair” to the other girls, he warns Clare that what they did was wrong and can never happen again. She says that he should follow his heart because “screw fair,” to which he responds “ummmm…Ca-MEE-la?”

Clare responds with her most Oscar-worthy performance yet.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo fight over their ocean kiss in Vietnam.

Don’t worry, Clare…you’re not the first girl in Vietnam to be treated like a prostitute.

I hope that wasn’t on your bucket list.

Here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:

Alli

Alli is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Nanny
Hometown: Orland Park, IL

She will probably miss Chelsie way more than she will Juan Pablo. Farewell, girl who plays soccer.

Grade: F


Danielle

Danielle is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL

“I’m always a little nervous for rose ceremonies because Juan Pablo is hard to read.” – Danielle

A little nervous, Danielle? Here’s some advice for you as you go searching Litchfield for a rebound. If a guy doesn’t ever talk to you: he’s just not that into you. If he never asks you on a date or tries to spend time alone with you: he’s just not that into you. If he never tries to kiss you: he’s just not that into you. And, oh yeah, if he makes out with your roommate Clare in front of you: he’s just NOT that into you. 

Grade: F


Kelly

Kelly is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA

I vote that they give Kelly Chris Harrison’s job and put her commentary voice over on the entire show. Think of the zingers she could come up with with all that ammo!

Kelly “Queen of the One-Liners” – you shall be greatly missed.

Grade: A moment of silence


These Bachelorettes get to stick around for “Juan” more week:

Andi

Andi is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA

If Juan Pablo were a drug, then Andi would be the biggest meth head in the joint. She’s normally the conservative type, but two words with Juan Pablo and she’s jumping out of her clothes to take nude photos with dogs. She is pissed about the group date, but then Juan Pablo says he wants her there and suddenly it’s like the best date of her life. She feels insecure about their relationship, but Juan Pablo takes her for a little walk down to make out beach and there they are sucking face again.

Hold on to this one, Juan Pablo, because she would literally do ANYTHING for just one hit.

Grade: B+


Cassandra

Cassandra is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI

Thank heavens we have Cassandra around to point out every awkward moment that occurs between the contestants and Juan Pablo. I don’t which bothered me more: the fact that every single word that comes out of her mouth is laced with stupidity, or the fact that Juan Pablo (a man who claims he loves his daughter very much) thinks that she would make a great stepmom. Even Cinderella would be like, “No thanks Cassandra, I’m good with the one I’ve got.”

Grade: D


Chelsie

Chelsie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH

Alli getting sent home broke up Chelsie’s main “hoemance” back in the mansion. I wonder how long sweet, peppy Chelsie is going to last in this house full of psychos?

Grade: B


Clare

Clare is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Hairstylist
Hometown: Sacramento, CA

Clare apparently stepped out of her “comfort zone” and really “opened up” to Juan Pablo this week, which is the only reason he let things go too far between them. He didn’t want her to go back into “shell” which is Pablo code for “please don’t stop making out with me.”

When Clare talks about being closed off she is really referring to her home in Sacramento that she has apparently never, ever left. She is way too good at throwing herself at men for any of this to be new.

Clare should be the poster child for Barney Stinson’s “Hot/Crazy Scale.”

The Hot/Crazy Scale

That being said, Clare totally lost it when Juan Pablo said he was uncomfortable with what went down between them in the ocean, leaving all of America slightly ashamed for wondering, what exactly went down in the ocean?

It’s ok, Juan Pablo. Just show me on the doll where Clare touched you.

Grade: C 


Kat

Kat is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA

I bet that Kat was super wishing she had saved her alcoholic dad story for this week so that she could have received a rose for “opening up.” She did make a great Carmen San Diego reference though, and Juan Pablo would’ve appreciated that just as much since that’s a Spanish name.

Grade: A


Nikki

Nikki is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO

Seems that Nikki may be giving Kat a run for her money when it comes to “biggest ego in the mansion.”

“What if I don’t get a rose? That would be stupid because I always do.” – Nikki

Careful Nikki, pride cometh before the fall. And this is not the kind of fall that relates to falling in love, because it will hurt and suck and you will probably end up in tears. So actually, yeah this fall is WAY more like falling in love than safely repelling into a cave.

Questions for single ladies to ponder: is it important to you that your husband is able to pronounce what you do for a living?

Grade: A-


Renee

Renee is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA

Juan Pablo was “hep-ma-tize” by Renee because “she look good in those dress,” but unfortunately Renee is hypnotized by his charm and good looks. Watching Renee get overexcited about anything Juan Pablo does is uncomfortable, and even painful at times. If only she knew about everything he had done with Clare prior to her first kiss.

It’s almost like watching a loving, faithful wife stand by her cheating husband who has like five other families in different states. You just wish you could tell her to run away and never come back.

Grade: A


Sharleen

Sharleen is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

Sharleen – aka female Brooks – is on her last leg with Juan Pablo. Let’s just say that if she were a market, the produce in it seems to be getting less “organic” every week. She’s just too tortured and complex for a guy who’s main goal is to “juss have aye gewd time” and who’s main topic of conversation is telling a girl how beautiful she is before venus fly-trapping her face and kissing her.

Sharleen is playing this little game in the best way possible, though. She’s traveled to some incredible places, made some great friends, and exposed her talent as an opera singer. Now she’ll get to leave on her terms and become a thousand times more popular than she was when she agreed to come on this crazy show.

Grade: A-

In Conclusion…

Am I the only one who loves the Indiana Jones maps when they travel to a new destination?

map-bachelor-vietnam

Adios! See you next week!

Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:

Episode 1 – Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 – Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 – Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 – Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 – Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 – Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 – Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 – Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 – And Then There Was Juan

The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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