For two months we’ve followed our Bachelor Juan Pablo with excitement on his journey to find true love. Little did we know that somewhere along the way we’d discover what a gigantic tool he turned out to be. So the question remains: do we still care about what happens to this handsome-but-idiotic foreign guy – and if we do – are we as ashamed of ourselves as we should be?
To date, Juan Pablo has managed to piss off every group of people, and that doesn’t even include ALL the women in America. What once was one of the most anticipated seasons in Bachelor history has quickly become one of the most boring – and controversial – in the show’s history. In fact, Juan Pablo’s popularity has dropped so much that now even pieces of candy are stealing his girlfriends.
Now the question on everyone’s mind is: was Juan Pablo really there to find love in the first place? Well, we know he was at least there to find “like” so that’s got to be worth something, right?
To answer that question we’re going to let a LIVE studio audience and an “expert” panel of former contestants tell us. And as if it’s not already going to be awkward enough watching this episode, let’s make it more uncomfortable by bringing in a bunch of people who have all hooked up with each other.
How’s this for a panel of experts:
1) there’s Desiree, sitting right next to her fiancée Chris and four people down from the TRUE love of her life, Brooks.
2) Arie, a runner-up who couldn’t get over being dumped by Emily and then flew to her house and left his diary on her doorstep (Yes, I know…what bro has a diary?)
3) Michael, the lawyer from Desiree’s season who probably just wanted the early jump on Andi, because “hey, I’m a lawyer, you’re a lawyer. We should hook up.”
4) and then of course Bachelor King of Kings, Sean, who just admitted to lasting longer with a stingray than his wife, Catherine, on their wedding night.
What’s in store for Juan Pablo and his final two ladies, Nikki and Clare? Let’s find out who finds true love, and who will be going home crying.
…Or in this case are those both the same thing?
“The Coast Is Clare”
By this point Clare is dedicated to Juan Pablo and can’t stop talking about her “fairy tale” ending with him, despite the fact that he pretty much called her a slut just a few weeks earlier. However, this shouldn’t be too surprising, since it’s become VERY apparent that Clare did not grow up watching the Disney adaptations of fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella where everything ends happy.
No…she clearly stuck to the original versions of fairy tales where Sleeping Beauty is raped by her father, the king, and Cinderella has her feet chopped off by her sisters, so there’s no way she should expect anything less demeaning from her relationship with Juan Pablo.
So…I guess if we’re dropping truth bombs then what I’m saying is “Clare, prepare to be… … …well, not really that disappointed.”
Oh, and if Clare’s sisters ever did cut her feet off like Cinderella’s did, you know Laura would be the first one to shake a little salt and pepper on that thing and eat it like a turkey leg you get at the county fair. (That’s my last Laura joke, I promise).
Meanwhile, at the Galavis camp, Juan Pablo helps the producers dress the set for his family’s first meeting with Clare.
His family wants the 411 on Clare before meeting her, but Juan Pablo chooses to keep her a mystery:
“She is from Sacramento. I’m not going to tell you anything else.” -- Juan Pablo, because that’s probably all he knows about Clare.
Juan Pablo says his attraction to Clare is “on fire” which finally explains why they’re always in the water together. However, he’ll be keeping a close eye on her to see how she gets along with his family. I bet the first thing they check for are how many hand print marks Clare has on her face. Trust me…they’re there.
Camila makes her grand entrance and doesn’t even acknowledge Clare. Juan Pablo gets SUPER PISSED and rips her drink away.
“Ayyyy, at lease say ‘Hi’ before I send her home!” -- Juan Pablo, in his head.
Camila acts very solemn and quiet around Clare, and Juan Pablo accuses her of drinking too much juice. What he should have accused her of was being a FIVE YEAR OLD, because he clearly does not understand the effects of juice on a young child.
“How ADORABLE was Juan Pablo with his daughter!?” -- Clare, already making excuses for Juan Pablo being a jerk to Camila.
Trying to find common ground, his dad asks Clare if she speaks Spanish. Juan Pablo immediately adds that “her mom is Mexican!” without thinking that he’s totally setting them up for a HUGE let down: Clare’s ENTIRE family speaks Spanish…except for her.
It’s hard to imagine how this is even possible, because one would think she could have learned Spanish purely by osmosis. Were Clare’s sisters sick of speaking it by the time she was born? Did Clare not look “Latino” enough, and so they were like “Ehhh, she’s pretty. She’ll be fine.” No seriously, this was mind-blowing. It’s kind of like being the only kid from a traditional Asian family that doesn’t know how to use chopsticks.
Clare LOVES the type of dad Juan Pablo is and thinks it makes him “even hotter.” However, all those amorous feelings should have been completely erased once she had to watch Juan Pablo feed his FIVE YEAR OLD daughter from his lap during dinner.
Okay, yes…it’s not the grossest thing you can do with your child, but I feel like these meal time habits are just gateway drugs to something more disgusting or awkward. You don’t want to end up like Clueless star, Alicia Silverstone, who fed her 11-month old son, Bear, by chewing up food and spitting it into his mouth.
And before you go “Ewww, AS IF!” your first question should be “uhhhhh, why did she name her son, Bear???”
Speaking of children, Clare CANNOT WAIT to be a mother, and would like to have at least three kids with Juan Pablo, or “as many as it takes to get a boy” according to his brother, Rodrigo, who probably should have asked if Clare was the youngest of six girls. **SPOILER ALERT** She is.
Clare’s first interview is with Mama Galavis, who gives Clare the “you’re making the stupidest decision of your life” stare the entire time. She did seem genuinely concerned and knew her son as a mother should, since her first two questions were “Do you feel love from him?” and “How is your communication?” She also wasn’t shy about admitting Juan Pablo’s rude behavior.
As a shout out to Clare’s deceased father, she also gave Clare the opportunity to ask any question she wanted.
“What’s something about Juan Pablo that I’d want to know, but that he’d never tell me?” -- Clare, already assuming the rudeness part.
“He ess super epperactif. He has so energy.” -- Juan Pablo’s mom, possibly attributing him being a jerk to his ADD.
Next up is our favorite 10-year old cousin with braces, Rodolfo, who wastes no time by asking Clare the hard-hitting questions:
Clare talks about being in love with Juan Pablo, and that if he proposed it would be the happiest day of her life. Rodolfo can tell she’s “an angel,” but knows that Juan Pablo has a tendency to walk away when a relationship has problems. He knows that there could definitely be some issues down the road if they were to stay together.
Rodolfo eventually meets up with Juan Pablo to pass along what he learned from his conversation with Clare:
“I’m not saying she’s begging for it, but she’s ready.” -- Rodolfo, trying to be one of the guys.
Clare probably spent about ten minutes with Juan Pablo’s father, and he was already 10,000 times more complimentary to her than Juan Pablo had been in two months of dating. He even told her he loved her by saying “Te Quiero,” but maybe he was just testing to see if she really knew Spanish or not.
Clare sees Juan Pablo as a true gentleman and knows he was raised right.
“I could see myself 1000% part of Juan Pablo’s family…forever.” -- Clare, being a little too ambitious.
Oh man, this is going to be the best fairy tale of all time.
“Just A Few Nikkis And Scratches”
While waiting for Nikki to arrive, Camila and Juan Pablo’s niece ask him to play Barbies. He should have taken them up on it since he could probably benefit from acting out some fake relationships with dolls first before he tried it on actual people.
What doesn’t bode well for Nikki is that Juan Pablo had to remind his parents who she was, despite the fact that they had already met her two weeks ago at his daughter’s dance recital. Even Camila didn’t really acknowledge who she was. In fact, the only person who might remember Nikki is Juan Pablo’s ex, Carla, who probably just knows her as “that blonde girl who’s not a model like I am.”
His dad asks how Nikki feels about Juan Pablo being a single father, and she thinks Camila has “made him the man he is today.” This makes sense because most of the time Juan Pablo can’t make up his mind about anything and wants to do nothing but go swimming and dance. He also warns that being married to Juan Pablo will not be easy and could be A LOT of hard work since he is so stubborn.
His mom, Nelly, asks Nikki how she imagines a weekend with Juan Pablo would go when he has Camilla for visitation. Nikki cannot wait to do all the super fun activities she has planned, like going to the beach, the pool and playing games.
“Oh, he like to stay at home and watch TV.” -- Nelly, destroying Nikki’s plans for fun activities.
Then she asked Nikki twice if she really wanted to be with Juan Pablo – the second time sounding more like a “You REALLY do, huh?”
Next, Nikki sat down with the boy wonder Rodolfo and agreed that you don’t need to know EVERYTHING about someone before you can love them. She realizes she could be engaged in a few days, but she knows that her love for Juan Pablo will -- -- --
The young wisdom of Rodolfo knows that this relationship with Juan Pablo could be a bumpy ride with A LOT of fighting, and she should be prepared to defend herself. True, Juan Pablo likes to bail when there’s contention, but he’s also a hard-headed person that likes to get his way. Apparently for Venezuelans, this is “love” … or something:
“If there’s no fighting there’s no passion there. Latinos are passion as hell.” -- Rodolfo, supporting conflict.
It was an unfortunate coincidence that Rodolfo chose to use the word “passion” here, since that’s how Juan Pablo tried to describe gay people before calling them “perverted” instead. So either Venezuelans really do understand the difference between those two words OR they are simply interchangeable.
“If there’s no fighting there’s no perversion there. Latinos are perverted as hell.” -- what Rodolfo probably meant if he were Juan Pablo.
Nikki said her goodbyes and reiterated that she couldn’t wait to be a part of Juan Pablo’s family. And while it was great for Rodolfo to get some more screen time, part of me was extremely disappointed that we never got to hear from Juan Pablo’s brother, Rodrigo, who totally looked like a Latino Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
I would have loved to watch him try to sell Nikki some Blue Öyster Cult tickets.
“Calling Clare A Slut, Part 2: Electric Boogaloo”
For Clare’s final date she takes a helicopter ride with Juan Pablo around St. Lucia, and Chris Harrison promised that we would see something that “we’d never seen before” on The Bachelor.
There have been many helicopter rides on this show, so we’d need to see one of the following happen for this one to be special:
1) Clare falls out of the helicopter.
2) The helicopter crashes.
3) They have sex on the helicopter…until I remembered that James kind of did that with himself last season on The Bachelorette when he caught a glimpse of his face in the window.
4) Juan Pablo sings a freestyle Latin love song to Clare à la Kasey Kahl.
Ohhhh, please let it be that. “Her…the city! Her…the city!”
The helicopter ride seemed fun, but it still lacked the best opportunity for Clare and Juan Pablo to have a meaningful conversation before they maybe get engaged. This was crucial because Juan Pablo still talks about Clare the way a “John” would talk about his favorite hooker.
“Clare is hot, sexy and cute. She kisses like Ay Yay Yay!” -- Juan Pablo, appreciating Clare for her personality.
When the helicopter landed, they shared a rare moment without any cameras. Clare was expecting him to say something heartfelt and romantic, but then she probably should have remembered she’s dating Juan Pablo and not Westley from The Princess Bride.
Clare should have dumped him right then. And yes, how fantastic would it have been for Clare to also push Juan Pablo down the hill and hear him shout “AAAAS YOUUU WIIIISH!” as he tumbled to the bottom.
Unfortunately, Clare isn’t that smart, and she continued to stick with him even after his vulgar and offensive comments. Sorry Clare, but now we’re to the point where at least some of this is your fault.
“If this doesn’t go further than a physical connection then I’m outta here.” -- Clare, who probably should have left after their snow date where he blindfolded her.
Back in her hotel room, Clare couldn’t stop thinking about what he said. Even she couldn’t rationalize his comments with the classic “language barrier” tag because I highly doubt there’s a different meaning in Spanish for “We don’t even know each other…but I love f***ing you!” (Yes people, ACTUALLY what he said).
And if what Juan Pablo said is really a compliment in Venezuela, then VENEZUELA…A GENTLEMAN YOU ARE NOT!!!
Clare needs to know Juan Pablo’s honest feelings for her because she didn’t come on this show for just a hookup. In an act of worst timing ever, he follows that up with a kiss request.
Clare confronts Juan Pablo about “Helicopter-gate” and wants to know what he thought about his comments. As if this story couldn’t get any better, Juan Pablo totally didn’t even remember what he said.
Summoning her inner Sherlock Holmes, Clare still has a hunch that this relationship is still purely physical. If Juan Pablo has doubts, they better be put on the table RIGHT NOW or she walks. He puts it back on her when he reveals that SHE’S THE ONE who broke their non-kissing pact. Juan Pablo even goes so far as to claim he doesn’t even need a physical relationship with her AT ALL. So yes…it’s literally Clare’s fault that she’s being treated like a prostitute.
“If I’m going to be with somebody, I need to know that they want to be with me.” -- Clare, probably giving in.
Juan Pablo reaffirms that Clare is special to him because he met his family and his daughter, but this probably means that Nikki is double as special because she met them twice. It didn’t matter, though. Clare is eating his sweet talk up faster than Juan Pablo on a plate of BBQ ribs.
“I know if I decide I love you that we will have a baby in a year and two months.” -- Juan Pablo, forgetting that they did it in Vietnam a month earlier, so it would actually be eight months.
Clare is convinced there’s more now, and to seal the deal Juan Pablo drops some Josh Krajcik “No Better Lovers” on her from his iPhone, the guy who performed during their first one on one date. Well, enjoy that song while you can, Clare, because after this week you’re going to listening to a lot of this:
I didn’t think it was possible for Nikki to wear less clothing than she did on her previous date, but…
Oh look! It’s ANOTHER boat ride date with a make out bed. I really hope Juan Pablo has one of these yachts back home in Miami, because it’s going to get old REALLY fast for Nikki if she has to try and kiss him while he’s trying to watch a baseball game on his sofa.
She worries about Juan Pablo being so guarded and scared to open up, or if he’ll ever be able to say he loves her. What Nikki SHOULD be worried about is why he’s already talking about spending quality time by himself once the show’s over.
The worst part about watching Nikki is that she can’t really challenge Juan Pablo on anything he says, because deep down she knows she’s only in the final two by default. There’s no way you will ever convince me that if Sharleen and Andi decided to stick around that Nikki would even be having this conversation on the beach with Juan Pablo. You KNOW after they left Nikki had to be thinking “Hey, I might actually have a chance at taking this thing!!!… … …oh yeah, and falling in love too.” [sigh]
To illustrate my point, let’s put their relationship in sports terms. For example, everyone knows it’s March Madness time. Let’s imagine the final eight girls on The Bachelor as if they were schools in the NCCA basketball tournament.
The Great Eight
1. CLARE is DUKE -- A clear #1 seed from the start, but most of the other girls hate her, can’t stand the constant attention she gets, and want her to lose.
2. RENEE is MICHIGAN STATE -- Strong contender and no matter how far she gets you’ll always respect her and the program she runs.
3. KAT is GEORGETOWN -- Consistently overrated but she still thinks she can beat all the other schools.
4. ANDI is KENTUCKY -- Had the talent to win it all, but with too many “one and done” players she would rather “reload” for next season (…on The Bachelorette).
5. SHARLEEN is KANSAS -- Picked by most experts to win the championship, but something self-inflicted keeps her out of the finals.
6. CHELSIE is GONZAGA -- A great “feel good” story and you can’t help but root for her, but she had no legit chance at winning.
7. CASSANDRA is ARIZONA -- Started off VERY strong, but fizzled out earlier than expected.
So which school is Nikki? Well, it probably depends on what decade you lived in. Your first intuition might be to compare Nikki to the 1983 NC State team led by the legendary coach Jim Valvano, but be careful. Yes, they were a six seed, but they beat #1 seeded Virginia to reach the Final Four, and also overcame Houston’s heavily favored “Phi Slamma Jamma” in the finals.
They earned it.
The 1985 #8-seeded Villanova team doesn’t compare either. They beat #2-seeded North Carolina, #2-seeded Memphis, and a beastly #1-seeded Georgetown team in the finals.
No, I think Nikki is more like 2011 UCONN, who benefitted from early exits of two #1 seeds (Duke and Kansas), #2 seeded Florida, and then faced the #8 seed Butler in what’s regarded as one of the worst NCAA finals ever.
Hmmm, isn’t also that what everyone’s saying about this season of The Bachelor?
Later that evening, Juan Pablo visited Nikki in her room. She pours out her soul to him in a thank you card that looked eerily similar to Chris Harrison’s handwriting. Juan Pablo’s only response is “I’ve gotta go,” and then creepily “Judas kissed” her on the cheek.
Nikki wept on her couch for the rest of the evening.
“No Clare Winner”
I’m sure Clare was super pissed she spent six hours styling her hair for the big final rose ceremony, because it was instantly ruined on the boat ride to meet Juan Pablo. It didn’t matter, though, since this was finally her “moment” to stick it to Nikki and her doubting troll sister, Laura.
Yes, I said I wasn’t going to make any more Laura jokes, but come on.
Clare looked great, but probably should have saved herself some time and just showed up in a sports bra and a pair of sweats. Still, after her previous chat with Juan Pablo she sounded hopeful:
“This could be the day my fairy tale comes true.”
“Juan Pablo says to trust him and everything will be okay.”
“I have no doubts. We have something special and I believe in him.”
“There were times I was scared and wanted to leave.”
Juan Pablo looked like he was wearing WAY too much lip gloss and knew he needed to do one more thing to finally achieve douche-level 1,000.
“I have to say goodbye to you.”
“I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
And just like that, Clare’s search for love came to a screeching halt. She had her “Darth Vader turns back into Anakin” moment when she refused to hug Juan Pablo and basically called him the worst father on earth, but up until that point it was a major struggle to cheer for her. And raise your hand if you think Juan Pablo is super relieved that he never has to watch that DVD Clare’s dad made for her.
Everyone should be raising their hand.
So what’s next for the hairdresser from Sacramento? Well, let’s just say you can probably safely book your cut and color for next Friday:
Nikki is up next and she’s REALLY confident she’s getting engaged today. She can’t imagine spending life without him. Juan Pablo waited patiently and fondled the engagement ring he had absolutely NO intention of using, but it’s ok since Nikki probably has a few of those lying around at home.
Nikki was practically begging Juan Pablo to say “I love you” after she pledged her full commitment to him, and she couldn’t wait to hear everything Juan Pablo hadn’t been able to say before.
He REALLY tried, people. He did.
“I love… … …so many things about you.”
“I love… … …how much you care about other people.”
“I love… … …your honesty.”
Juan Pablo brings up the subject of a proposal, but he hasn’t stopped thinking about the advice Nikki’s father gave him – that you should be 100% sure first. Seriously, I’ve seen older brothers tease their younger sisters less than this.
If James Patterson, Alfred Hitchcock and J.J. Abrams were watching even they would be like “Whoa, easy there on the suspense, bro.”
After the dramatic build up to the ring and proposal, Juan Pablo ultimately decided NOT to “put a ring on it” because he wasn’t completely sure. However, he did inform Nikki that he cares for her just as much as a pet or his favorite movie:
“I’m 100% sure that I like you a lot. A LOT.” -- Juan Pablo
Instead, Nikki received the final rose – the worst consolation prize to a $75,000 diamond ring – and also probably REALLY, REALLY hated her dad for the first time in her life.
HASHTAG fairy tale ending.
“So, Is It A ‘Like’ Like?”
The Live Final Rose After Party Extravaganza felt more like a funeral since we were left with so many unanswered questions about the disappointing finale:
1. Did Juan Pablo lead these women on?
2. Why was Nikki satisfied with a “like” from Juan Pablo?
3. Was he really here to find a wife?
4. What’s the BIG surprise he promised later tonight?
5. Why are Kelly, Sharleen and Kat making those faces?
Clare comes out first and basically repeats everything she said before, except she still won’t come out and say exactly what Juan Pablo said to her in the helicopter. She claims it’s something she “doesn’t want to repeat,” but really it’s just because it would force her to admit that she and Juan Pablo had sex.
As proof of his free-falling popularity, about five people clapped when Juan Pablo took the stage for his segment with Chris Harrison. He tries to rally the audience by mentioning how distraught he’s been over the turmoil in Venezuela. Even a plea for support garnered ZERO response, so he probably could have mentioned he found a cure for cancer and all the women in the audience would have still been like “Oh that poor Clare. How could he lead her on like that!”
Juan Pablo had no regrets from his time on the show, but took the time to call out all the Internet bloggers (i.e. me), Twitter followers and other people who “has been in the com-pew-ters” for their criticism of him. Things GOT REAL between them once Juan Pablo started to attack the show’s editing crew.
Nikki comes out next, and Chris Harrison asks the burning question on everyone’s mind:
“How is the relationship?”
…but of course she meant the show. Yes, she’s still in love with Juan Pablo, but…
“Is he in love with you?”
Nikki has never told someone she loved them first, so it’s been hard for her to wait for Juan Pablo to admit that he loves her back. She did admit that he cares for her deeply and has a lot to take into consideration.
Juan Pablo joins Nikki on stage and immediately buzzkills the whole “surprise” they were pumping at the beginning of the show. He was probably intending to announce his upcoming stint on Dancing With the Stars, but when you mess with the gay community they mess with you right back – by taking away your ability to Salsa and Foxtrot.
Chris Harrison made several frustrated attempts to make Juan Pablo tell the audience that he “LOVES” Nikki, but Juan Pablo could only repeat how “done” they were with the show that brought them together. This angered The Bachelor gods:
While it’s completely fine that Nikki and Juan Pablo take things at their own pace, they did both sign up to be on a television show that documented and PAID FOR their relationship. I mean, ABC flew them all around the world and had them stay in the nicest hotel suites, the least Juan Pablo can do is half pretend to love Nikki for ten minutes.
Juan Pablo could have benefitted from talking to someone like Haymitch from the Hunger Games before he went out on stage.
That being said, Nikki and Juan Pablo are technically on a “reality” show, so Chris Harrison and the audience shouldn’t be too shocked at what they’re hearing – that two people who “should love each other deeply” are… … …well, just kind of trying to have a normal relationship.
Let’s not make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. It’s not like they’re trying to “take down the Capital” and Juan Pablo is not the “Mockingjay.” They’re just two people who really like each other. However, had Juan Pablo reached for some poisonous berries and acted like he was going to eat them, I don’t think anyone would have stopped him.
“Sorry if the show did not end up like the way you wanted it to.” -- Juan Pablo, still talking when he should just shut up.
By this point, Chris Harrison had lost his mind and started to treat Nikki and Juan Pablo like they were “ruining” the show. I’m not excusing his d-bagginess, but I was not aware that Juan Pablo signed a contract obligating him to fall in love with someone. All he signed on to do was travel around the world, make out with a bunch of women, and then choose the one he liked the most. People seem to equate The Bachelor with some 8th grade science experiment, where you dump a bunch of female rats into a cage with one male rat and track how many of them get pregnant. Answer: ALL of them.
Now, I’m sure there are some cases where the male rat only chooses one of the females, but that only happens on The Hills.
Chris continued to act unprofessional and petty, while Juan Pablo and Nikki couldn’t stop kissing each other and telling everyone to mind their own business. However, it was quite fitting that a disastrous season ended in such awkward fashion, and like Chris said…we should all probably just “shower this one off.”
But ABC should always remember that Juan Pablo was ultimately their choice…not ours. And somewhere, the producer of The Bachelor has just been locked into a room with a bowl of Nightlock berries.
Like I said after the first episode: “Be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true.”
Ok, so he didn’t get asked to be on Dancing With The Stars, but at least Juan Pablo had sense enough to keep his day job.
Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:
Episode 1 -- Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 -- Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 -- Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 -- Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 -- Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 -- Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 -- Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 -- Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 -- I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 -- And Then There Was Juan
The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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