Our Bachelorette JoJo has to choose who to love between four different guys, but is she looking for the right qualities…and the right reasons?
As a kid, I remember watching Sesame Street, and they would play that game “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other.” You would see four different people or items on the screen, and you had to decide which one didn’t belong.
In this example, you might think that girl in the top right square doesn’t fit because she’s white and other kids are minorities.
Of course, you’d not only be kind of wrong, but also very racist. Clearly, it’s because she’s upside down. However, it’s an honest mistake because maybe you weren’t looking at it with the right criteria in mind.
For our Bachelorette JoJo, she has similar choices to make with the four remaining bachelors. One is haunted by a painful past, one wants to relive his past, one wants to forget his awful…well…”present”, and the other guy? Ummm, yeah…I don’t see any red flags.
But red flags or not, it doesn’t matter. The real question is: Does JoJo see love?
I guess it depends on how you say it.
Ain’t no sunshine >> JoJo catches cold >> Chase has an old card up his sleeve >> A broken home >> Chase beats the odds >> Chase doesn’t pass inspection >> Cat’s in the cradle >> Momma’s boy >> Love, defined >> Better late than never
Chase is from Colorado, where it apparently snows every single day of the year. However, this actually explained A LOT about his cold and distant personality, because I doubt he’s ever seen the sun.
It’s going to be hard to convince JoJo – a Texas native – to move to a place where she has no use for any of her butthugger shorts or breast-revealing dresses. She looked like she was a couple of minutes away from hypothermia in her thin little cardigan sweater.
Remember, in Star Wars the Rebels actually hid on the icy planet Hoth because they knew NO ONE ever wanted to go there. Colorado isn’t far off.
At least playing outdoors allowed Chase to do all the things he always wanted to do with his dad, but never had the chance. JoJo was a good sport, but could have done without the singing.
There appears to be no expiration date on Chase’s “My Parents Are Divorced” coupon, because he’s using it again for the THIRD time this season. This is a pretty gutsy move, even by Bachelorette standards. I only recall Chad talking about his recently deceased mom once, and we didn’t find out about Evan’s three kids until the fourth episode.
Apparently, if you struggle to express simple emotions like joy, sadness and love, then the more complex ones like awkwardness and embarrassment are completely foreign to you. Chase is pretty much Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2. He needs basic things like clothing and transportation, but sees no issues with walking buck naked into a crowded biker bar to get them.
Chase claims he comes from a “broken home” because his parents divorced when he was eight. He is now 27 years old. True, divorce is hard, but I can think of A MILLION other things that would’ve upset me way more at that age, like losing my favorite toy, or finding out Santa isn’t real.
Divorce is such a complex thing for an 8-year old to fully comprehend and understand its effects. It would be like trying to explain to a group of second graders about the potential health and environmental dangers of hydrofracking. Yes, it’s a serious subject that potentially effects millions of people, but here’s all they’re probably going to get out of that conversation:
Here’s a news flash, Chase. Over 50 percent of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. That’s like…over half. To put that in perspective, here are some other statistics that are true for LESS THAN HALF of the United States.
Percentage of Americans who…
• …have left the country: 36%
• …subscribe to Netflix: 40%
• …attempted college, but not graduated: 22%
• …live paycheck to paycheck: 43%
• …don’t own a gun: 38%
Honestly, if Chase broke down in tears about how he wasn’t able to watch House of Cards I would probably have felt more sorry for him. Such a great show.
Chase takes JoJo back to his house for a tour. You could tell right away it was a true bachelor pad due to the lack of decor and furniture. In fact, I would bet my entire life savings that one of the producers sent an intern with $100 to Target an hour before they arrived because the walls were COMPLETELY bare. Too bad they only came back with two ugly pottery frames, a plant, a cheap end table, and a…stuffed lion?
However, the lion was a nice Easter egg and obvious shout out to Chase’s GIGANTIC lion tattoo on his lower torso.
OH WOW! Now it all makes sense…
I’ve figured out the source of all your pain, Chase!
Chase doesn’t know how to safety.
There’s absolutely NO railing on Chase’s stairs. That will need to be child-proofed someday if he’s hoping for anything long-term with JoJo. In the short-term, though, I’m guessing he’s not planning on having his nephew over anytime soon.
Chase’s relationship with his dad teeters between normal, bizarre and dysfunctional. First, he credits his father for giving him a “big heart,” and then five minutes later chooses to use a reality TV show to finally confront his father about why he divorced his mom twenty years ago. Most episodes of Jerry Springer include less blind side moments than that one.
Chase’s clearly doesn’t trust his father, yet obviously still feels a need for his approval and attention.
Chase described his parents’ divorce as “bad…with lawsuits,” but his dad merely blames the split on him “climbing the corporate ladder” and being gone too much.
I’m no attorney, but I’m pretty sure 99.9% of messy divorces don’t start from dad being gone a few extra weekends a year. It’s kind of like the same way Jordan blamed his last relationship on “too much football” and not what it really was…cheating.
Chase describes the time he and JoJo have spent together as “out of this world,” but all he’s done with her is taken a crazy yoga class, lost a game of touch football, tangoed with another guy, and played Pictionary.
I would hate to see what Chase considers a “bad” time with someone.
Chase’s little nephew Everett wore a fake mustache as a nod to the mustache gimmick Chase used on the first night with JoJo. I think we’re all just glad she’s meeting his family and not Nick or Jonathan’s.
Somehow, Chase’s mom Sandy cast a spell that captured all the emotions from her children and transferred them to her body, because she’s by far the most enjoyable person in the family.
No wonder Derek accused Chase of acting like a mean girl, because Sandy is basically Regina George’s mom.
Chase talks to his sister about the word “love” and how it means more to them than most people because there’s “commitment and emotion” involved. I’ve never read the Webster’s dictionary definition, but I think she pretty much repeated it word for word. I can only imagine how they define other words.
Chase tells his mom that he’s ready to propose to JoJo, and in the process sheds a single tear! Either he’s finally learning how to express his emotions, or he was long overdue for an oil change.
Chase isn’t the best at timing.
As she’s literally about to get into the car, Chase tells JoJo in a “hug-turned-whisper” threat that he loves her.
It’s a good move on his part because now she’s way too afraid of him to send him home this week.
“Would’ve Won State If I Started”
The Rodgers family moves >> JoJo is easily distracted >> Jordan is Uncle Rico >> Eternal bench warmer >> Joran checks out the kama sutra >> Take a picture, it will last longer >> JoJo, pageant queen >> The Aaron situation
Jordan’s hometown Chico, California is nicknamed the “City of Roses.” It’s either a strange coincidence, or he actually lives in Redding, and the producers forced his family to move to Chico for the entire duration of the show.
It would be fine either way, though, since it wouldn’t be the first time they’ve stretched the truth about Jordan’s life.
Now we know why JoJo loves dogs so much, because she acts exactly like Doug the Dog from UP when a pack of deer run behind her during an interview segment.
Can you imagine if they gave JoJo her own nature show? She would probably explode.
While Chase tries to escape his past, Jordan tries desperately to relive his past by dropping by his old high school for a visit. And no…it’s not even Homecoming.
“This is where it all started!” – Jordan, wishing he had his letterman’s jacket
And if you’re not immediately wondering what “it” is, then you’ve either never watched an episode of The Bachelorette, you’ve never watched the NFL, or both.
The “it” is Jordan’s deep, soul-crushing jealousy of his more famous and talented brother, Aaron.
It was also probably an excuse to show the large Viking mascot on the Pleasant Valley sign. No wonder he and Aaron don’t get along.
Jordan introduces JoJo to his favorite football coach Tony, who coached Jordan on the JV team, but wouldn’t start him. Two things that are very important here:
- Jordan played on the JV team
- Jordan didn’t even start on the JV team
Tony is my favorite coach too.
Jordan tried to impress JoJo by introducing her to his Spanish teacher, and insists that he was her favorite student. Unfortunately, we know that JoJo’s Spanish is extremely limited, so she couldn’t understand what his teacher said to her, but it was probably this:
Jordan makes an attempt to act out all his high school fantasies, including making out in the library. However, he probably forgot that school was still in session, so he most likely committed a few acts of lewd behavior by fondling JoJo in front of a bunch of 9th graders.
Even JoJo – who we know will make out with most anyone, anywhere – found this to be a little ridiculous.
“Maybe I’m his new high school sweetheart.” – JoJo
Either someone at his high school has Jordan at the center of some huge conspiracy theory…
Or Jordan snuck into someone’s office and taped photos of himself on the wall so he could have even more opportunities to talk about how great he is.
It was probably the latter, because all the original pictures were hung using push pins, and all of his photos were placed over the top of the ones that were already there. Ten bucks says they were all pics of Aaron.
Also a dead giveaway was the ONE photo of Aaron on the wall. Jordan dismissed it, but was probably secretly pissed he forgot to cover that one too.
JoJo is nervous to meet Jordan’s mom, so to make a good first impression she brings her a Miss Universe-sized flower bouquet.
It was perfect, because Luke’s girlfriend Lindsay was rockin’ her pageant hair.
If you’re going to feel sorry for any of the Rodgers boys, then look no further than Luke. Not only does he have to live in the shadow of BOTH his brothers, but he also inherited the worst physical attributes from both of them.
It was easy to see why someone would think Jordan is “entitled” or at least privileged when his mom Darla looks exactly like Queen Lillian from the Shrek movies…
…and his dad resembled the talking tree from the upscale Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas.
His mom refers to Jordan as her “spicy child” because he misbehaved a little, but knew his limits. Luke starts to talk about Jordan “kicking a teacher,” but he’s quickly cut off by Darla with one of those lame “my kid tried to run away” stories where they never make it past the front gate.
It would have been more entertaining to hear Luke’s story, particularly if Jordan ran into that teacher while giving JoJo a tour of his high school.
Listening to the Rodgers family talk about their relationship with Aaron makes me feel like I’m Jerry Seinfeld doing my stand up routine.
Here’s what I think:
- Aaron has been estranged from the family for a couple years.
- Aaron started dating Oliva Munn in April 2014.
- That’s a couple of years ago.
If Aaron wants to spend a few years of his life big-timing his family, being famous and dating hot chicks, then let him. Do you really think he wants to bring her home and have the entire city of Chico all up in their business?
Yeah, didn’t think so either.
The average length of an NFL career is 3.3 years. You have such a small window to capitalize on your athletic ability. And look, I’m sorry Jordan sucks at football in comparison to his brother, but he can’t act like football hasn’t provided him with some great opportunities. He’s probably going to “win” The Bachelorette, and I didn’t see Aaron make a cameo in Pitch Perfect 2.
“No Hope For Robby”
Robby shows off the town >> The importance of trust >> Pleading the 5th >> JoJo has a doppleganger >> A love explosion >> The Hope situation
Robby’s home town of St. Augustine, Florida lays claim to being the oldest city in the U.S. and they absolutely are not messing around. Either it was “Colonial Con” that weekend, or all the townsfolk still dress in traditional 1500s European clothing, and they insist on using a horse and carriage for transportation.
Robby apparently knows how to tour guide, but probably not.
We didn’t get to hear any of his tour around St. Augustine, but knowing Robby let’s assume that his facts were 90% completely made up. To put this in perspective, Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec would have made a better guide.
This amazing tour is all happening while JoJo is sitting in a booty romper on hot leather. There is no way JoJo – or at least JoJo’s perfect butt – is enjoying this date.
If you’re looking for a new drinking game, take a shot every time Robby talks about Uruguay. You’ll be passed out in less than three minutes.
If you don’t drink, then do a push-up every time Robby has to remind JoJo that he’s telling the truth. You’ll be the next Crossfit champion in less than three minutes.
People that say they’re honest usually aren’t honest.
Robby doesn’t know how to timeline.
“I just want to be happy. And for the first time in a while I’ve been happy with you.” – Robby
He tells JoJo that he’s been “waiting for this day for a long time” to bring her home to meet his family, even though he’s only known her for a few weeks. Yet, when he’s confronted about breaking up with his girlfriend a few months ago, he acts like it was something that happened twenty years prior.
I’m glad Robby’s a swimmer and not a history teacher.
Robby should consider collaborating with Flight of the Conchords on a a sequel to “The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room).”
JoJo is worried that she’s a replacement for Robby’s ex-girlfriend, Hope Higginbotham, and that he may not be completely over her. It’s kind of ridiculous that she could even think that, because the two are clearly nothing alike.
Robby’s very fortunate he wasn’t trying to date JoJo and Hope at the same time, or he might have to have to carry around a black Sharpie like Michael Scott from The Office:
The first thing Robby mentions at dinner is the private fireworks show in Uruguay [take a drink] where he told JoJo he loved her.
“There were literally ashes falling into our eyes.” – Robby, talking romantically
JoJo says it was the “best fireworks she’s ever seen in her life,” so obviously she’s never been to Addison, Texas – 20 minutes north of her hometown, Dallas – which boasts one of the TOP TEN fireworks shows in the United States “Kaboom Town.”
That would be like Robby’s parents describing the best orange juice they had on their trip to Canada. HOLY CRAP – YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA!
In addition, what is so romantic about fireworks? They’re extremely loud, usually draw huge crowds of annoying, drunk people, and are often associated with those huge nerds that spend their entire savings at the Indian reservation.
At first I thought Robby was interrupting his sisters and JoJo because he was pissed at them for drinking wine in his bed, but I’m sure they’re rich enough to afford Memory Foam mattresses so it’s all good, right!?
No, the real reason he interrupted was to try and clear the air with JoJo about Hope. Remember earlier when I said that Robby was terrible at time lining? Well, he’s back at it again.
Here’s the jist of their confrontation: Robby adamantly denies breaking up with Hope to be a contestant on The Bachelorette. JoJo just wants to know the truth. Robby just wants to be happy. JoJo doesn’t want her heart-broken again on national TV. Robby just wants all this to go away.
Logistics prove that Robby is super, duper shady.
- The Bachelorette films over six weeks starting in March 2016, and premiered in May 2016.
- They were already issuing casting calls for the 2017 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in March of this year, so we can only assume the same happened last year.
- So, Robby could have applied for this season as early as March 2015.
- Robby claims their relationship went bad at least 9 months prior to it ending over Christmas 2015. That would put him starting to loathe and despise Hope around March 2015 – the same month he probably applied to be on The Bachelorette.
During the 9 months that he allegedly couldn’t stand Hope, he still managed to take her on an expensive birthday trip to Italy in November…
…pose with matching pajamas for Christmas, and also spend New Year’s Eve together, even after the “official” break-up.
If this is how Robby breaks off all his relationships, then I’ll totally go out with him.
Robby is so screwed.
“Deep in the Heart…of Luke”
A town celebration >> Suspicious meat >> JoJo finally becomes a Texan >> Love, defined >> In a Big Country, dreams stay with you
Luke’s hometown date must have conflicted with the Burnet, Texas annual BBQ, because he ended up inviting the entire town over to meet JoJo. It was a good effort on his part to “keep it real,” but you don’t want your girlfriend and potential wife to think she’s joining a cult.
I know we always joke about how Luke resembles a werewolf and would likely actually eat JoJo if given the chance, but did you see the size of that GIGANTIC Traeger smoker!? That could easily fit a body inside it.
All of the sudden, JoJo is the most TEXAS person on the face of the earth.
First, she shows up wearing the cowboy boots Luke gave her, then she’s judging the quality of the BBQ meat and winning at corn hole. I’m surprised she didn’t give her prognosis on the upcoming NFL season for the Cowboys, because the JoJo of old would’ve sounded like this:
But not new, improved Texas JoJo! Nope, now she’s breaking down both sides of the ball:
In probably one of the most genuine, romantic moments of the season, Luke sets up a candle path leading to a heart made of roses.
“I want you to know that my heart is yours. It’s out there for you. And it’s all of it.” – Luke, saying “I love you” but in a different, more creative way
JoJo leaves that situation not knowing if Lukes loves her or not.
In the real world, there are multiple ways to tell someone you love them, but not on The Bachelorette. You actually have to say “I. LOVE. YOU.” for it to count.
It’s like knowing all the answers on Jeopardy, but not being able to phrase them properly in the form of a question. Despite his bad phrasing, you gotta respect Luke for sharing his true love for JoJo.
Between James Taylor’s heartbreaking plea for love upon leaving last week, and Luke’s overly romanticized southern hometown date, it is clear that The Bachelor producer’s are aiming for a re-do of Prince Farming’s season, but maybe one where America’s beloved cowboy doesn’t turn out to be a cheating loser?
Also, who are Dan and Shay related to on this show? WE GET IT.
“Let Me Rephrase That”
A new mission >> Typecasting >> A final plea
The rose ceremony took place inside an airplane hanger because they have to IMMEDIATELY fly off to their next destination. I get the drama factor, but Chris Harrison stands outside like he’s recruiting for the next Mission Impossible movie.
I wonder if JoJo has a type?
JoJo has to say goodbye to a guy that has made her look at relationships differently and take a look at herself. Since when has she cared about what Luke says? He’s logged even more make-out time than Jordan has.
Luke’s still going home, guys. But he’ll probably be the next Bachelor.
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 – JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 – “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 – Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 – Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 – Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 – “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 – There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 – Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
Check out Hello, Loser on Facebook