In the aftermath of the James drama bomb in Barcelona, Desiree and the remaining five Bachelors travel to the mysterious, secluded island of Madeira, Portugal. At first glance, this seems like a fantastic idea, since we all know that there’s nothing more romantic than falling in love on an island, right? Well…think again.
“If you can’t fall in love in a place like this you better check your pulse, because you’re probably not breathing anymore. This was built for love.” -- Drew
That’s right, you better check your pulse, Drew, because if you’re on a secluded island with a group of people you’re most likely dead. Don’t believe me? Well, seen any of these movies lately?
- Jurassic Park: eaten by raptors.
- Shutter Island: full of murderers and crazies.
- Escape from Alcatraz: the island’s a prison, people. Enough said.
- Amity Island: eaten by Jaws.
- Pearl Harbor: bombed by the Japanese.
- The Island: your organs are harvested by someone who looks like you.
- The Man with the Golden Gun: killed by Scaramanga.
- Lord of the Flies: killed by your schoolmates.
- and don’t forget LOST or Gilligan’s Island if you prefer TV
At best you can hope to be on the same island as Tom Hanks in Castaway, but you’re still going to be best friends with a volleyball – so there’s that.
So yeah, go ahead and tell me again how islands are SOOOOO AWESOME AND ROMANTIC. Not all of them are Blue Lagoon, bro. Islands are terrible, horrible places. PROVEN FACT.
What’s worse is that Madeira Island is seemingly only inhabited by cats, since we don’t any other people until about 40 minutes into the episode.
And these are scary cats with different colored eyes. Why would you want to be on an island with this? Listen to the cats.
The good news for Desiree is that now she only has to hug five Bachelors whenever she enters or exits a room instead of this mass horde of guys. Seriously, that must have taken like an hour to hug all those bros.
Luckily they caught the last pirate ship out of Spain, and as they enter the Madeira Island harbor they can’t help but rush to the bow of the boat to admire all the “AMAZING” things they’ve never seen before, like rocks, fish, water and caves.
Yeah, and they Titanic-ed the crap out of that boat. They Titanic-ed so super hard.
Chris has to help Desiree walk down the to the dock because platform shoes on a boat? I only hope he works that into one of his poems later on.
The Bachelors find their hotel, and as usual they all shout “hello!? hello!?” as soon as they walk in. Normally I would make fun of this, but even they should at least be somewhat cautious since this is, in fact, an island (see above). You know it’s in the back of their minds that someone is already in there waiting to murder them, or since they’re on Madeira it’s at least filled with a bunch of stray cats.
The weather must have been a little warmer there since I didn’t see all of them in matching hoodies. However, I was legitimately concerned that there wouldn’t be an Old Navy on Madeira since I knew the slub-knit polos were the Item of the Week. Drew is going to be so super bummed.
Desiree leaves to meet up with her “girlfriends” who are actually just a few of the skanks she was contestants with on The Bachelor, including Catherine – the chick who won. But don’t worry, not awkward at all since they are SUCH BFFs now.
And really, if anyone should be mad or jealous it should be Catherine, right? I mean, yeah she got Sean and they’re “happy” or whatever, but Desiree is the one with her own show, which kind of makes her the “winner.” Jackie, who was sent home in favor of the crazy chick Tierra, and Lesley, the girl who set the world record for best on-screen kiss with Sean, are also there. So Jackie reminds Catherine of what great discernment her future husband has, and Lesley creates a wonderful image of some whore Sean out with…on national TV…for like an hour.
BESTIES! I tell ya.
After the girls figured out how to use binoculars, they spent the next 20 minutes critiquing the guys, who had conveniently gathered on the lower level to frolic by the pool and hit the volleyball around, or as Jackie called it “a basketball.”
All of them were HUGE fans of Drew since he had the best body and Des admitted was the best kisser. This will be a real shame when he finally admits he’s gay in a couple weeks.
Catherine asked who had the biggest package, to which Desiree lied and was like “how would I know” before immediately naming Chris. Phew! This will totally help him out when he’s the next Bachelor and all he had going for him were a bunch of crappy poems. I was personally hoping that the largest “thing” went to Jonathan, the creepy guy who invited Desiree into his personal fantasy suite on the first night of the show. No reason…just the bitter irony of it all, I guess.
Also, I have a correction to make, the Item of the Week was board shorts, and apparently Madeira DOES have an Old Navy. Good to know.
“On Cloud Nine”
Brooks was awarded another one on one date with Desiree. I’m sure he thinks she’s wonderful and beautiful and all that, but he must be super pissed that she picked their date to suddenly be super environmentally conscious.
And of course they probably took the scenic route and had to stop at every good view along the way. “Oh look! ANOTHER old church, Brooks! Isn’t it amazing?!”
At the top, they had a picnic at the peak of the mountain, which is literally in the middle of the clouds. A breathtaking site? Yes, of course. But unfortunately that lead to about a million cheesy “in the clouds” references about their relationship.
“There was a breakthrough in the clouds just like there was a breakthrough in our relationship.” -- Desiree
“Lost in the clouds, and I couldn’t think of a better place or girl to share that moment with.” -- Brooks
And my personal favorite, which no one said:
Dinner should have been way more awkward than it was since they tried to determine each other’s feelings by comparing their relationship to a race. They compared each step using “adjectives” like walking, jogging, running and crossing the finish line – which is great – but none of those are adjectives…they’re verbs.
Grammar lesson aside, Desiree admits she’s “running” or falling in love with Brooks, to which he replies that he’s also “running” – errrrrr, “running behind” that is, and is more of a jogger.
However, he does compliment her love of exercise.
“I like that you’re running.” -- Brooks
Which is pretty much PC for “I like that you’re more in love with me than I am with you at this particular moment.” Brooks has the upper hand, knows it, and loves it. Or sorry…he “likes” it.
Did this bother Desiree? Um, no. She still totally made out with him in front of the fireworks.
[Brooks and Desiree: insert cheesy reference comparing love to fireworks here]
“I’m On A Boat!”
Chris actually said he “fist pumped Tiger Woods style” when he found out he got the next one on one date with Desiree…and he means it.
He is going to Tiger Woods the crap out of this date. I just wish he wore a red button up instead of the lilac.
Their date basically consisted of a boat ride…to another island…a deserted one. They’re never coming back, are they?
Well, the island turned out to be safe, so naturally Chris and Des had a picnic to talk about how attractive they think each other is.
“This memory can’t be duplicated.” -- Chris
Uh, actually it can, and pretty easily. No seriously, I can name about ten people I could call right now and say “Hey, wanna go boating out to this island and have a picnic?” and they’d be like “Uh, sure.”
Oh, and they wrote another crappy poem, but this time decided to place it in a bottle, throw it out to sea, and hope that someone finds it someday and is like “Awwwwwww” and then pukes.
However, those dreams were quickly dashed when Chris made the world’s worst throw and the bottle probably smashed into one of those rocks. Good thing he’ll never have to mail any important letters for the Bluth Company.
At dinner, Chris was nervous because he wanted to tell Desiree so super bad that he loved her, and then remembered he could totally tell her in a poem instead and it wouldn’t be so awkward. I’m just describing his thought process, because that isn’t what actually happened.
Yeah, for some reason it sounds better when the guy is the one who doesn’t say “I love you” back, because Desiree pretty much Han Solo’d Chris, and it got slightly uncomfortable.
Annnnnnnnnnd Chris just lost.
By this time Michael HAS to know that ABC just used him to be one of the main antagonists in the Ben and James drama circuses, and that this is basically his last time to spend with Desiree. The best part is that Desiree knows it too, and can’t possibly pretend to care.
Still, Michael tries, and it’s pathethic:
“I think every step of the way there’s been little signs that I’m supposed to be here. It’s a good feeling, like I was meant to go on this journey and meet you. It’s been awhile since I’ve had these feelings for someone.” -- Michael
“That’s cool.” -- Desiree
At this point Michael is just “glad to be here for the experience,” which is the same thing a Cinderella team says if they advance further than expected during March Madness. Yeah, so basically Brooks is Duke, Chris is Kentucky, Drew is North Carolina, and Michael is Middle Tennessee State.
To further patheticate himself, Michael actually dropped another “I HAVE DIABEETUS” reference and also described a really bad breakup he had with girl who dumped him on Facebook. Well, she actually never even did that, he just saw a picture of her with another dude and figured it was over. Wait…what? So as far as he knows that guy was her cousin or something and they’re still going out. Oh, Michael.
“Racing For Pinks”
Drew and Zak had the misfortune of going on the three-person date, but they got to ride go-karts so who cares, right? At least it wasn’t a winner-take-all so neither had to worry about getting a rose.
“No one needs to go home in a two-on-one” -- Desiree
That’s what she said.
Well, Zak must have been a fantastic Mario Kart player back in the day, because he absolutely SMOKES Drew during their race, earning him the first crack at Desiree for some alone time.
Drew doesn’t care because he totall-- HAHAHAHA, who we kidding?! Of course he cares! Sad Drew is SAD.
Zak is still feeling overconfident from his figure drawing class because he chooses to reflect on his time with Desiree through the use of crayons and watercolor paints.
This is a horrible mistake, not only because Zak cannot draw, but because he left out the most important part of their time together: THE NAKED DUDE. Seriously, how great would it have been for him to be like “Hey Des, remember that time we had to stare at that guy’s penis for several hours? Well it kinda reminded me of our relationship and how it’s constantly growing” or some weird, twisted thing like that where all Desiree can do is go “Awwwwww, that’s so sweet” and uncomfortably lie like she always does.
Plus, you shouldn’t pretend to have the same hobbies as someone you like just to make them like you back. It’s insulting…not flattering. It reminds of that scene in Better off Dead when Lane Meyer tries to impress that roller skating chick who only dates the jocks, and ends up accidentally ripping her clothes off in the lunch line before getting beat up by the entire basketball team.
The scariest part of their time together was the rape face Zak makes after he kisses Desiree:
This is not the face of someone in love. That’s pretty much the same face Willem DaFoe’s character makes in Spiderman before he turns into the Green Goblin.
If there’s anything you need to be worried about, Drew, it’s Zak’s facial expressions. They’re starting to surpass yours. CREEPY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE YOUR THING, DREW!!!! DON’T LET ZAK TAKE THEM!!!
See what I mean!? You better lock those up, pronto.
Well, at least Drew got the rose, but that’s going to do him no good when Zak is choking him in the middle of the night with his reversible leather belt.
And now, we say goodbye to the Bachelors who left us:
In Portugese: Adeus
In Spanish: Adios
In Catalan: Comiat
In German: Auf Weidersehen
In Jerseyian: Get goin, fuhgeddabouddit
It doesn’t matter how you say it, goodbye sounds so sweet when it is said in reference to Michael G. Watching him go made me as happy as Juan Pablo when he sees horses.
Oh, how I miss Juan Pablo.
My favorite part of Michael’s limo speech:
“Going to be really hard for me to date because no girl is going to match up with you” -- Michael
Then he called his mom and she’s like “here we go again.”
And now for the Bachelors who survived the Island:
Unfortunately for you Chris, Brandon already stole your thunder by proclaiming his love in like the third week. You are WAY behind the times, bro. And although the poetry proclamation was a new twist, unfortunately it was also pretty horrible.
Chris says he feels great to be in love because it means that he knows everything that Desiree is thinking without her saying it out loud. In that case, would you mind telling us who wins this thing and save us all the trouble of watching you all get your hearts stomped on?
Oh, what am I saying? That’s what we Bachelorette fans live for! #bringonthemantears!
I also give Chris extra credit for the Liz Lemon “I want to go to there” reference on the boat. Bravo.
Zak with a K
Well, he may not be the richest guy, or the funniest guy, or have the best bod, but Zak with a K is, “all over the place” and “the most adventurous” of the Bachelors. That’s important, because those are definitely the qualities that every girl looks for in someone with whom they hope to build a secure and committed relationship.
This probably also means he’s going home next.
See Drew, these are the kind of faces I’m talking about.
If Drew is the best looking guy you’ve ever met in your life AND has the hottest body AND is the best kisser AND is already in love with you, then what are we all still watching this show? Opportunities like this are once in a lifetime! I know he’s easily excitable, but once you get him house trained I am sure it would be smooth sailing from there.
Easily the best moment of the night was when Des confessed she was “running/at the finish line” at the same time that Brooks said he was “jogging”. There were no apologies or, “Errr, it’s more of a fast jog.” Brooks made it very clear that he has the upper hand in this relationship. I wonder if this new found power comes from his luscious locks? And suddenly, it all becomes so clear.
Don’t you touch that hair Desiree! Somebody hide the scissors.
Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 -- All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 -- Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 -- Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 -- Munich
Episode 6 -- James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 -- Fantasy Island
Episode 8 -- Hometown Dates
Episode 9 -- Men Tell All
Episode 10 -- He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 -- The Final Rose
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.
If you want a rose from Special K, then check out Hello, Loser on Facebook