It seems like our Bachelorette JoJo has everything: good looks, popularity, and possibly love. But what happens when someone tries to take it all away?
Thus far in her journey, JoJo has met little to no opposition. The guys all worship her, she gets to travel to exotic locations, and her name is on the lips of most Americans every Tuesday morning. Her biggest challenge has been deciding what to wear for her super date hiking with Jordan.
Last week, JoJo put the nail in the coffin of super villain Chad-Bear and his protein-fueled rage when she denied him a rose. All the Bachelors and stupid people in the world were like:
But was it grool, or was it the worst decision of JoJo’s time on The Bachelorette?
I think we’re about to find out…
“Death To Tyrants!”
Chad, remembered >> the Dragon King returns >> Keep it simple >> Robby with a sick zing >> Reading the fine print >> Knocking on death’s door >> Jordan wants to pump you up >> Evan sends Chad to collections >> Chad is a luxury Internet user
“Farewell, sweet prince.” -- Wells
Although it’s terrible for the ratings that Chad is gone, it was fitting for radio host Wells to host his vigil. However, he could have used a little bit more of his music industry pull to bring in a particular 90s R&B group to sing “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday.”
Keith Sweat was also probably available to sing “Twisted,” which may have been more fitting.
It’s a good thing that it was pint-sized Alex who slayed the “Chad-dragon” because can you imagine those dudes trying to hoist Chase up on their shoulders without Chad there to help? Bloody noses all around, right Evan?
The celebration was also a nice twist on the usual fairy tale ending, because normally dragons eat the short, douchey guys.
Let’s be more concise, guys.
They’re all chanting “Slayer of the Dragon” when they should be saying “Dragon Slayer,” right? It’s like calling Grant a “Fighter of the Fires” or Evan a “Specialist of the Dysfunction of Erectiles.”
Less is more.
Between all the littering with the protein powder, the cake mess on the carpet, and the fireworks INSIDE the house, I don’t think the guys are going to get their deposit back from Nemacolin.
Robby’s “diss” to Chad sounded more like something a 1st grade bully would say to the wimpy kid during recess.
“See ya never, ever, ever, ever, ever again.”
I wonder if this is how Robby responds when he accidentally sees another guy making out with JoJo.
All the other guys act like the Grim Reaper arrived when Chad shows up at the front door and wants to come inside. Luckily, Chad’s minion Daniel is the only one with some common sense and lets him in.
BIG MISTAKE, Daniel, because Chad’s about to calmly say “Hi” to everyone and tell them about his date.
Chad is not the Zika virus and you are not in The Purge movie, guys. I think you’re fine to let him enter.
Then I remembered that they no longer had the services of their house bodyguard since they moved to Pennsylvania. So, unless the producers hired the Amish mafia to watch the house, then yeah…those guys are probably screwed.
Jordan gets pissed at Chad for working out by himself ONLY after Chad nearly crushes his fingers during their handshake. Maybe if Jordan spent less time running his fingers through his hair and more time on the weights he could have developed better hand strength.
Good thing Evan is a penis expert and not an accountant.
“Do you have your wallet on you? Because you still owe me a shirt.”
This is a dumb move on Evan’s part for several reasons:
- Chad is no longer on the show and therefore has ZERO incentive to not punch Evan in the face.
- Evan just took part in dumping out Chad’s protein powder. That stuff is WAAYYYY more expensive than his buy one get one free V-neck. By our calculations, Evan actually owes Chad about $30.
- If Evan really wants a new shirt that badly, he’s now a semi-celebrity and could easily start a GoFund Me account. Oh wait…someone already did.
The guys should have considered hosting the same sort of vigil for Evan’s shirt, because he’s obviously having a really hard time letting it go. The Bachelorette show’s life blood is V-necks.
Is anyone else a little disappointed that Chad never actually punched anyone? It was an unsatisfying ending. It’s like when you spend the whole movie rooting for the two people to get together in the end and then they don’t even kiss. We need closure!
The only silver lining to Chad’s departure is that he’s now free to unleash himself on social media. He first shared an Instagram video of him watching himself on The Bachelorette for the first time, which helped him understand how people could think he was a potential serial killer. What made it great is that he didn’t even blame how he acted on “bad editing.” Chad actually enjoys being a douche.
Next, he familiarized himself with Twitter.
Then, Chad purchased the domain names of several of his Bachelorette rivals and redirected them to his Instagram account. We’re talking about their ACTUAL names: Robby Hayes (RobbyHayes.com), Derek Peth (DerekPeth.com), Chase McNary (ChaseMcNary.com) and Alex Woytkiw (AlexWoytkiw.com).
And finally, Chad travelled to all the way to Jacksonville, Florida to hang out with Hope Higginbotham…Robby’s ex-girlfriend who he allegedly dumped to be on the Bachelorette.
Seriously, can we just give Chad the entire Internet and say “here, this is your playground.”
For anyone who’s ever had to sit down and watch a video of themselves, we know that lots of times it’s uncomfortable to see yourself from others’ perspectives. Your voice sounds weird, your dance moves don’t look as hot as they were feeling that night, or you find out about some weird habit you never even knew you had. I watched my wedding video and found I have some weird head patting fetish.
However, there are plenty of things I don’t have to see myself doing on video to know that it would be embarrassing.
The men are surrounded by cameras 24/7 and that has to be rough, but the guys know the cameras are there, so at least they have some control. If you don’t want everyone to think you’re gross, then don’t pick your nose or your wedgie in front of the camera. If you don’t want people to think you’re weak, then go cry silently in the bathroom or under the covers. If you don’t want producers to paint you as the season’s villain, don’t punch doors, threaten everybody in the house, or do things like this:
“Rose Before Bros”
Robby’s wishes expire >> James is no Shel Silverstein >> Wells shows his nerves >> Farewell, Canada >> JoJo, world traveler
Robby takes JoJo outside and
demands encourages JoJo to make a wish. However, he did set some pretty strict parameters:
“You can’t say what the wish is, but obviously it needs to be about you and I, and should be about an intensely shiny object, maybe 42 days from now.” -- Robby, buzz kill expert
That’s like a kid giving their mother one of those homemade coupon books for her birthday, but including a bunch of disclaimers and an expiration date at the bottom.
For someone who knows so much about unicorn folklore, it was shocking to hear JoJo ask “So how do we do this?” in reference to the actual wish-making process. Well, JoJo…it’s very simple.
Step 1 -- Pick a coin. ANY coin.
Step 2 -- Throw the coin in the fountain.
Step 3 -- The end.
Either JoJo’s childhood consisted of zero wishes, or she’s become so good at playing clueless to stroke a man’s ego that it comes naturally to her now.
Either way, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with JoJo when trying to change a flat tire.
“Her heart is like a treasure. Her dreams not far away. And whenever she decides to hand someone the key. That man should let her know and daily help her see. The wonder that is her. The beauty that is she.”
James F. claimed he had carried a poem in his pocket for the past few weeks, but was waiting for the right time to share it with JoJo. In reality, it looked liked he had Googled “love poem” that morning and scribbled the first one he found on a piece of notebook paper.
Apparently the “right time” was once Chad was gone and he knew JoJo was going to start weeding out the guys with no personality. I bet he’s kicking himself for giving her free boxing lessons.
James F. handled his dismissal like any loving dad would do, and says he just wants JoJo to find happiness. However, I’m sure the limousine interview where he confessed he’s “not mad, just disappointed” and “thought she had been raised better than that” was cut for time.
JoJo refers to the rose ceremony simply as “rose.”
Wells was obviously nervous for this rose ceremony, and it showed. Every time the camera cut to him it looked like he had dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pale, and he was sweating. It looked an awful lot like his dehydration/exhaustion face from the firefighter date a couple of weeks back.
But, maybe that’s just his resting face?
Or maybe Wells just has a face for radio?
Daniel’s exit speech.
“Obviously she’s going for personality, and my personality is $#%*@ right? If it was based solely on looks there’s a good chance I’d be here. She doesn’t care about a good body because Evan and Wells are still here. These guys aren’t on my level, bottom line. No one is on my level. The chances of her falling for me are getting struck by lightning while…shaving my face.”
And he’s right. “Jump in the Pool on the First Night” guy lasted four weeks. The only thing more impressive is that Evan is still around.
When JoJo announced she’s taking this show “International,” the guys all reacted the same way they did when she said they were leaving Los Angeles.
BUT, that was before she told them they were going to Pennsylvania instead.
Imagine everyone’s excitement when she tells them their next destination is Uruguay and not Paris, London, Australia or heck…even Vancouver.
At least they’ll all get a new pair of sandals since they won’t be able to shower barefoot.
A new regime >> Vinny goes full Italian, and not full Spanish >> The barber shop is open >> Don’t believe the hype >> Jordan doesn’t get physical >> JoJo clears the air
FINALLY everyone is starting to realize that Jordan is the true villain of the show, as they are all visibly – and vocally – pissed when he snags the one-on-one date with JoJo.
In true Sopranos fashion, Vinny immediately searches for a place to “take care” of Jordan.
Vinny is also really hoping to impress JoJo with his pronunciation of “Uruguay.”
Vinny has had a barber shop this entire time??? Why has this place not been the focus of their group discussions about Chad, or at least a place where they could argue about boxing with James F. like those dudes in Coming to America?
At the very least he could have got Jordan or Evan in the chair for a little trim off the top.
The guys find a magazine with an interview from JoJo’s ex-boyfriend, Chad. No, not the protein-fueled rage-aholic Chad who almost murdered Alex, but the guy who nearly ruined her life last season on The Bachelor:
In true Bachelorette fashion, the guys immediately begin to question whether is JoJo is here for the right reasons.
The crucial detail in this story is that this article was in an In Touch Magazine. In case you’re not a fan of the tabloids, here is just a light sampling of the “ground-breaking” news they cover.
Doubting the girl you’re dating because of something you read in In Touch is the like the equivalent of choosing who to vote for based on a meme someone posted on Facebook.
A group of dudes who openly watch The Bachelor should at least have some idea about tabloids.
Raise your hand if you think that Jordan’s version of his past relationship left a lot more questions than answers:
Jordan says he wasn’t a good boyfriend because “sports,” but there was no “physical cheating.” By that same logic, Chad was a bad roommate because “protein,” but there was no “physical violence.”
Were there threats of assault? Yes. Was there social and emotional abuse as he clashed with the other guys in the house? Plenty. Therefore, Jordan is as innocent of cheating as Chad is of fighting.
So, you’re right JoJo…you have nothing to worry about here.
JoJo confronted the guys about the interview with Chad and she’s understandably emotional, but no guy wants to hear about a girl’s ex-boyfriend, much less about BOTH of them at the same time.
So, most of them did what any guy would do when forced to listen to a long, pointless break-up story.
They stared at her boobs.
You got to make eye contact and do a head nod every now and then, fellas.
“Like Sands Through the Hour Glass”
Jordan and Robby have some “me time” >> Wells deserts JoJo >> Evan clots up >> James is an avid reader >> Derek makes a horrible decision >> The students become the masters
Robby gets super catty about Derek’s insecurities…
…as he enjoys a spa day with Jordan.
That’s like ordering a Diet Coke with your Super Size nugget meal at McDonald’s because you’re “trying to watch your weight.” Drinking a few less calories isn’t going to mask the larger issue.
We all knew Wells (and his beanie) would be fantastic at sand boarding, but he picked the wrong time to stand out since this may have been one of the most insignificant group dates JoJo will ever have.
Apparently, the show spent most of their budget actually transporting the cast and crew to Uruguay because they all basically just rolled down sand dunes all day. If this was their only idea to show off the “beauty of Uruguay” then you can bet the Bachelorette producers are going to get a phone call from Manuel at the Travel and Tourism Department.
Evan is legit concerned he’s going to get another bloody nose so he doesn’t even try to go sand boarding, but he’ll probably tell his boys how “great the date was!!!”
James T. tells JoJo he doesn’t believe she said any of those things in the article because he read it THREE TIMES. That’s like saying, “I saw this movie and I knew it was garbage, so I watched it two more times just to be sure. Yep, total garbage.” He received a kiss anyways because JoJo was probably just glad he didn’t sing the article to her.
Derek obviously didn’t learn much from his “making choices” date with JoJo, because using the sympathy card too often on The Bachelorette is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette.
Let me get this straight. Chad was “wrong” even though:
- Luke puts down all the guys for being “fake” and going out of their way to do everything for JoJo.
- Derek turned into a whiny, insecure chick who practically begs for a rose.
- All the guys now think Jordan is there for the “wrong reasons.”
- Alex is now the one calling people a “whiny little b—-es” and he “knows exactly what JoJo needs.”
Everyone is basically becoming an “Uncool Chad.”
“A Leap Of Faith”
The odds are in Robby’s favor >> He learns a new catchphrase >> Gosling comparisons >> A spontaneous leap >> Don’t text and drive >> Love is in the air
Robby is literally the only guy left, but is still nervous about the possibility him of going on a date with JoJo in Uruguay. The odds of the sun coming up tomorrow are actually worse than Robby’s date chances.
“All right. All right. All right.”
Add another “mini-Chad” to the mix, because Robby is now using Chad’s catchphrases from his Bachelor bio. It’s almost like Chad was Voldemort and he left little horcruxes of his personality inside each of the leftover guys. I’m waiting for Chase to suddenly develop a love for lunch meat and Wells to start a morning weightlifting routine.
JoJo puts a cap on Robby and says he looks like Ryan Gosling from The Notebook. Since that’s (allegedly) every Bachelor’s favorite movie, then Robby should know to be concerned if he ever makes it to the hometown dates because JoJo’s parents would never approve of him.
JoJo considers Robby the “spontaneous crazy one,” yet they both already have their bathing suits on underneath their clothes.
In fact, their outfits for this date were very confusing. JoJo’s legs are too hot for real pants but her top half is so cold she needs a big thick sweater.
And Robby is dressed for a casual lunch with friends, yet still managed to hide a swimsuit under those tight lady-pants.
Robby is not good at odds-making.
JoJo and Robby share a playful game of hide and seek by the famous La Mano sculpture in Punta del Este. The artist created the “drowning hand” to act as a warning for all the swimmers in the area, since the waters at the beach had rougher waves.
Instead of following common sense, Robby decides to take JoJo cliff diving without first checking for rocks down below.
So let me get this straight: Robby spent all morning worrying about a date card that was ABSOLUTELY his for the taking, but is all “YOLO” when it comes to jumping off a 60-foot cliff he’s never been to.
JoJo feels comfortable jumping with Robby just because “he was an Olympic swimmer.” Actually, Robby was a “competitive swimmer,” which could really mean anything. I joined a YMCA swim team in 5th grade. I am also a “former competitive swimmer.” See…it’s easy.
Also, they might seem related because they both involve water, but swimming isn’t even close to the same as diving. That’s like thinking someone can train a tiger because they take really good care of their cats.
Robby opens up to JoJo about a “friend” who was texting while driving and drove off a bridge before he could propose to the love of his life. That sounds less like a true story and more like the plot line to one of the movies I had to watch in driver’s ed class.
Remember the one about the girl who drove while putting on lipstick and she kills the road worker? The lipstick got all over her face, and I bet that shade of red was a nightmare to remove. Lesson learned.
This experience helped Robby understand that if he’s not happy with his life he can change, because “tomorrow might not be here.” As a result, he quit his job and broke off his four-year relationship with his girlfriend.
His friend would’ve wanted that for him.
JoJo’ ring looked like a gigantic solar panel.
JoJo doesn’t cry at all after Robby tells her he loves her, yet she sobbed during James T.’s song and James F.’s terrible poem. She could have at least given him the Han Solo treatment.
Robby probably earned a “D” in physics.
“Love is magnetic. If love is there on one side, then it is there on the other.” -- Robby
Unless it’s not. The term is called “unrequited love,” and it’s what keeps the literary world and most Broadway plays alive. Don’t believe me? Just ask these guys:
** SPOILER ALERT ** Unrequited love usually ends in death. So if Robby’s cliff jumping didn’t kill him then his feelings for JoJo probably will.
Then again, maybe he just wanted to be the first one to say “I love you” because he’s a big fan of fireworks.
“I Can’t Help It That I’m So Popular.”
Derek feels attacked >> Alex shaves for the first time >> Evan boners his chances with JoJo >> Vinny gets emotional >> Luke considers his modesty
Alex, Robby, Chase and Jordan decided to gang up on Derek because someone needed to fight against Derek’s unbridled sensitivity, and also because it’s Wednesday and they all wanted to wear their pink V-necks.
Derek should just be grateful he hasn’t seen his page in their Burn Book.
Alex’s beard makes him look even shorter, because now he sort of resembles one of those garden gnomes.
Congratulations, Evan. You lasted exactly one week longer than Chad.
JoJo skips the cocktail party because this week helped her “think about the type of man she wants.” So basically, she’s not into guys who study wieners and black dudes.
The fact that Vinny was still there is a Bachelorette miracle, but did he get a bunch of off camera time we didn’t see? He’s ABSOLUTELY UGLY CRYING and all we know about him is that he has a secret barber shop.
Luke tries to have a serious conversation with the other guys, but they’re distracted by his side boob.
Our thoughts exactly!
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 -- JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 -- “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 -- Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 -- Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 -- Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 -- “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 -- There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 -- Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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