When we last saw our Bachelorette JoJo, she was forced to make one of the hardest decisions of her life. I think we all know how that will probably turn out.
The biggest question on everyone’s mind was if JoJo was going to follow her heart and keep Luke for a round in the fantasy suite, or let him go because he doesn’t know the proper way to say he loves someone. Whatever the case, I’m sure we all can think of…
… … …okay, let’s…talk about the Luke situation.
“Love Is Blind…Sighted”
I talked about it in depth last week, but it’s still ridiculous that Luke actually had to pull aside JoJo to specifically say “I LOVE YOU” to avoid some weird “Bachelorette penalty” based on a technicality. What did he do during the hometown date that DIDN’T show that he loved her? I didn’t see Jordan make a giant heart out of roses or construct a hay bail bench. The most romantic thing he did was force JoJo to make out in the Non-fiction section of his high school library.
Maybe JoJo should have spent her time in the library searching for a Thesaurus so she could look up all the different ways to say “love.”
Other than everything Chad says, both JoJo and Luke dropped two of the most honest quotes of the season.
“What if that was a mistake?” – JoJo, saying what all of us already knew.
“I was in love with her, but I never got the chance to love her.” Luke, mid soul crush
JoJo pondered her thoughts while squatting in a skin-tight blue sequin dress.
And Luke gave his quote while apparently watching an entire school house full of children burn to the ground.
I think he’ll get over JoJo pretty quickly.
“I Hope This Note Will Suffice”
JoJo shows off her assets >> Massages, defined >> Robby prefers the team approach >> Running with the bulls >> A great place to Thai the knot >> Ghost write the whip >> Laid men tell no tales >> Robby explores a new career path >> For just pennies a day
Robby slithers into Thailand to greet JoJo. When he lifts her up to hug her, the back of her dress flies up. JoJo acts embarrassed, but then quickly realizes she’s not far from Bangkok, and she could be charging money for things like that.
You need to be very specific when asking for massages in other countries.
JoJo requests a “Thai massage” from one the street vendors, but she was waaaaaay off. It was good, because there’s no chance either of them would’ve laid down face first on that floor anyway.
Just because you’re in Thailand, doesn’t make everything a “Thai [fill in the blank.]” Same thing goes for other countries. Try ordering French fries in France, or Canadian bacon in Canada, and you’ll probably be disappointed. Or challenge a group of Mexicans to “Mexican Train Dominoes” in Mexico, and see how long you last before getting stabbed.
Robby used the massage as another opportunity to clear the air about his ex-girlfriend, Hope, except now he’s made the situation about them as a couple.
Not everything you experience in a relationship is shared with an equal burden. For example, your wife might be expecting a baby in five months, but there’s never a scenario where it’s ok for the guy to say “We’re pregnant.”
No…your WIFE is pregnant. You get to watch.
Robby actually uses the phrase “Grab the bull by the horns” when he brings up their date in Uruguay…again [take a drink]. I bet he has one of those paintings from Dodgeball hanging in his house next to all of his swimming trophies.
Out of nowhere, Robby now only refers to JoJo by her real name, “Joelle.” It makes no sense to go from calling a person by their nickname to something more formal, unless there’s a very specific reason. JoJo didn’t suddenly start calling him “Rob” or “Robert,” even though he’s a grown adult and she probably should. So what gives?
Maybe Robby views this as the “next step” to their relationship, so by the time they’re engaged he can call her “Miss Fletcher.”
Robby still forgets how to geography from time to time.
“What better place to propose to JoJo than in Thailand?” – Robby, while looking on Trip Advisor.
Remember when Robby thought that Uruguay was the greatest place on earth to fall in love? In reality, most cities in South America aren’t even going to come close to making the Top 50 romantic places in the world.
Now he thinks that Thailand – the place where people go to buy knock-off purses and hire inexpensive prostitutes – is the ideal spot to propose to his future wife. And while Thailand does have a high percentage of marriages, they’re usually the kind that involve old, pervy white guys who click on a website ad or place a mail order.
Thailand also boasts one of the highest transvestite populations in the world, so Robby might want to follow JoJo into the bathroom to make sure she’s not using one of the urinals.
According to his latest story, Robby’s dad could tell he was upset about the Hope situation and wrote him a letter of reassurance.
Ok, fine. That’s exactly where the story should have ended.
Here’s where it starts to get dicey…
PROBLEM #1: How did Robby receive the letter?
Instead of handing it to his son like a normal person, his dad allegedly stuck the letter in Robby’s pants at some point during the day, and Robby found it while he was changing for bed.
So, either Robby felt some strange movements inside his pants and thought it was JoJo getting fresh, or his dad is a former magician’s assistant and specializes in sleight of hand techniques.
PROBLEM #2: Why did Robby read the letter to JoJo?
Robby doesn’t think that showing and telling JoJo he loves her is enough. However, it’s hard to blame him for being extra cautious after seeing what happened to Luke last week.
That being said, JoJo could CARE LESS about a random note some stranger wrote to her. Of course Robby’s dad is going to vouch for his character. IT’S HIS FRICKIN’ DAD! That’s like putting all your best friends down as references on a job application and telling your potential employer to call all of them. They’re not going to because they already know what they will say. It’s a waste of time.
Seriously, Robby could have had that letter notarized at the bank and it wouldn’t have made a difference.
PROBLEM #3: Who wrote the letter? No really…who?
The letter was written on a cheap sheet of notebook paper, similar to the ones you might find in…I don’t know…a hotel room. Robby could have easily composed the letter that morning before their date. Combine that fact with the phrase “You are the man!” was used at the end of the letter, and it’s more obvious that someone who’s not a dad had a hand in it.
If it was Robby, you know it wasn’t the first time he’s tried to pull off something like this. How many forged doctor’s notes did he give to his swim team coach, or how many times did he try and get out of going to school?
How great is it that out of all the hotels or resorts The Bachelorette producers could choose to use for the fantasy suites, they still manage to select the ones that only accept skeleton keys from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Robby wants to be “the guy who is late to work because he doesn’t want to get out of bed” type of husband for JoJo. This shouldn’t be tough because I don’t think former competitive swimmers keep normal business hours.
JoJo says this is their first time having breakfast in bed together, but what she really meant was “this is our first time in bed together where food was present.”
Come on, guys! Don’t you know there are starving kids in…well, Thailand, that could eat that!?
“My Body Is A Temple”
An active lifestyle >> JoJo makes Jordan sweat >> The temple of gloom >> Jordan’s bucket list >> Jordan ponders his future >> What’s the most important thing? Breakfast >> JoJo plans a sneak attack
JoJo plans a hike with Jordan for their date. She’s excited because they’re doing something “active,” which is something they’ve “never done before.” Hmmmmm. Jordan must be glad all of their previous dates were so memorable.
If they really wanted to do something different, why don’t they spend the day relaxing by the pool reading a book or staring at their mobile devices? That’s actually more accurate to married life.
Not only was the hike extremely rigorous, but Jordan and JoJo had to compete with the 100-plus degree weather and high humidity. Nothing says “romance” more than Jordan hanging on you in a sweat-soaked t-shirt.
The hike eventually leads them to a small temple, and JoJo instructs Jordan that they are not allowed to kiss inside of it. In fact, JoJo even uses the jacket she’s had tied around her waist to cover her shoulders because “modesty, guys.” Never mind that you can still see the bottom of her butt sticking out of her shorts.
Jordan was probably super pissed he wasted the entire afternoon hiking with a girl where there was no payoff, but I think JoJo just made up the whole temple “rule” to avoid making out with someone who probably smelled like a high school boys locker room.
Jordan says JoJo meeting his family was the “last box for him to check” in their relationship, so either he has no further plans to date her, or he hasn’t forgot what her family did to Ben last season on The Bachelor and has ZERO plans to ever meet them.
Also, there should probably be a few more “check boxes” on Jordan’s list, like these ones:
- First home
- Buy a minivan
- Retire (again)
- Grow old together
JoJo wonders what their immediate future would be like, and asks him the most loaded job interview question in the world:
“So, Jordan, where do you see yourself a year from now?” – JoJo
If you answer this question with ANY other response than “right here, with this company,” then how would anyone ever expect to be hired? You can’t say “Well, I’ll probably work here about 4-6 months until something better comes along.”
Plus, as a lifetime
backup practice squad quarterback in the NFL, Jordan’s probably sick of hearing this question from all of his coaches because he already knows the answer.
After their romp session from the previous night, JoJo explains that they’re “eating our first breakfast together,” even though that’s exactly what she said to Robby the previous day. What she REALLY meant was “This is my first breakfast in Thailand” because her and Robby didn’t even touch their eggs and bacon.
Hoping no one would see her, JoJo wore a green camouflage jumper after saying goodbye to Jordan on her “walk of shame.” However, she forgot they’re on the beach surrounded by sand, so perhaps the Desert Storm version would’ve worked better.
Outer Chase >> Fish lips >> Robby, interrupted >> A change of scenery >> JoJo’s encore performance >> Gone fishing >> Evan scores a new patient >> Robby makes a poor fashion choice >> Chase, monkey trainer
JoJo must only be used to riding in fancy modes of transportation, because she never asks “WHAT IS THIS?” when a limousine pulls up or she gets to drive a convertible. When Chase arrives on a common motorcycle she acts like he stole it from the set of the next Star Wars movie.
If Robby doesn’t win then he has only himself to blame, because he definitely received the “least gross” date of the three. Jordan had to hike up a mountain side in 200% humidity to NOT make out with JoJo, and now Chase is gently forced by JoJo to kiss a dead fish.
Robby visits JoJo at her room DURING her date with Chase because he “can’t stop thinking and dreaming about her.” It was actually another excuse for him to make sure that she kind of, sort of still trusts him.
Robby is one of those guys that would answer his cell phone in a crowded movie theater.
“Hey what’s up, bro. Good to hear from you! Yeah, I’m totally watching this movie, but it’s super lame. So, how’s life!?” – Robby, during Finding Dory
JoJo invites Chase to the fantasy suite, but has to leave suddenly after he tells her he loves her. Normally, when a girl says she’ll be “right back” it’s code for “let me slip into something more comfortable…”
…but JoJo was already wearing a loose-fitting black jumper. Does anything MORE comfortable even exist???
JoJo is a horrible breaker-upper.
It’s like she’s on this twisted revenge journey where she gets all these guys to say “I Love You” and then dumps them on the spot. I only hope Chase was at least smart enough to buy one of the t-shirts on eBay at a discount and avoid paying full price at the fantasy suite gift shop.
“100% of me regrets saying that, because now love means get the @#$%* out” – Chase
JoJo doesn’t know if she can say “I love you” back to Chase in a week, yet every week feelings and situations change so much on this show.
Besides, she should probably keep at least one guy who she knows won’t cheat on her in the first six months. Chase has lived with too many broken promises from his own dad to make those same mistakes. Hopefully that fish kiss from earlier didn’t open some old wounds.
“Is this my fantasy suite?” – Chase, enjoying a beer in the getaway van
Chase compares the breakup with JoJo to “getting kicked in the nuts with your pants pulled down.” And in case you’re wondering, I don’t think this means he’ll be one of Evan’s new patients.
Robby is wearing white skinny jeans to the rose ceremony.
It’s a very bold move, especially considering that Chase is about to show up in about 4…3…2…1
If “Thank you for telling me that!” is the Bachelorette catchphrase to use before you break someone’s heart, then “Can I talk to you for a second?” is what you say before you create a fake dramatic moment.
Luckily for us, Chase’s return was enough to make Jordan very concerned, and Robby instantly wish he wore darker pants.
Chase spent a moment with JoJo to apologize for the night before, but not before convincing one of the local monkeys to try and steal one of the two remaining roses.
Then they would have been forced to start the ceremony with a single rose and declare the winner right there. How great would it have been to watch Jordan have to propose without a ring while forcing Robby to watch!?
Is anyone going to really “win” this whole thing?
“Chad To Be Back”
#$%@& Wit Dre day >> Alex enjoys the pageantry >> Chad confronts Grant >> Derek needs a butler >> Nick thinks Chad’s been naughty this year >> Vinny’s mom confronts JoJo
An excellent choice to dedicate 90% of the “Men Tell All” episode to one person who made this entire season worth watching: Chad. They gave him his own trailer, a meat plate, and another private security guard who looked suspiciously like the NWA version of Dr. Dre.
If it really was Dr. Dre, then it’s the other guys who should be worried. NWA Dre would have ZERO issues with capping any of these fools.
Usually the cheers get progressively better as they introduce each guy in the order they were eliminated. Unfortunately, Alex gets sandwiched right between fan favorite James Taylor and before the recently dumped Chase and Luke, so his applause came up a little…short.
Seriously, even the Asian dude who doesn’t wear panties got a bigger applause.
Chad big times Grant by calling him “Darrell” after Chad accused him of dumping his ex-girlfriend, Jen, to go on the show. What makes it worse is she was trying to get a job as producer on The Bachelorette and Grant talked her out of it.
But don’t just take Chad’s tweets at face value. He actually hooked up with Jen directly, just like he did with Robby’s ex, Hope.
Chad is breaking 4th walls down, guys. He’s the Dead Pool of the reality TV world.
Derek has no idea how to dress himself.
Chad calls out Derek for wearing a pocket square that didn’t match his shirt, but Derek should have been more concerned with his bottom button that was left open THE ENTIRE TIME.
He’s lucky Daniel didn’t see it or he’d be poking that thing all night.
Nick challenges Chad to a fight, but Chad doesn’t want to fight in dress shoes because they’d both fall down. Really, he was just concerned about all the children who might be watching, and he would hate to have to take down Santa on national TV.
Vinny’s mom, for having more air time on this show than Vinny did the entire season of The Bachelorette.
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 – Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 – JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 – “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 – Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 – Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 – Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 – “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 – There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 – Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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One thought on “Bachelorette Breakdown – Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo”
You have til Memorial Day to get us more Yacht Rock posts.