Bachelor Juan Pablo and the rose.

Bachelor Breakdown – Juan Rose to Rule Them All

As the weeks go on and we learn more about our Bachelor, Juan Pablo, you can’t help but compare him to Bachelors past. Is he the best one? Is he the worst? It’s hard to say, but one thing’s for sure – Juan Pablo is totally, completely and absolutely predictable.

There’s no question Juan Pablo is not the BEST Bachelor. That right belongs to Season 17’s Sean Lowe, who’s shirtlessness and charm allowed him to claim the throne of Bachelor demigod. He’s basically the Aragorn of Bachelor lore. And if you think that was the last Lord of Rings reference I’m going to make in this recap, you are sadly mistaken.

That being said, Juan Pablo is certainly not the WORST either. He would have some huge shoes to fill in order to stake that claim. For example, there was (in ascending order):

Ben Flajnik and Francine

1) Ben Flajnik

Not only did Ben look like Francine from that Arthur cartoon, he also had his own naked ocean drama with his eventual fiancée – and equally horrible person – Courtney Robertson. The one good thing he did was claim that awful chick so no one else had to be stuck with him.

2) Jake Pavelka

I could watch this sociopath and his whiny, interrupting ex, Vienna argue for days on end, just like that time he made her break down and cry on their After the Final Rose interview.

JAKE yells at Vienna on the bachelor.

I love this couple.

3) Jason Mesnick

ALL HAIL THE KING! Jason “You’re such a bastard” Mesnick dumped his fiancée Melissa on national television in order to be with the runner-up, Molly. Seriously, no one will come close to breaking this record.

What makes things worse for Juan Pablo is that he’s slowly been revealed as this boring, predictable, but good-looking guy. There’s nothing necessarily “wrong” with it, but it’s not helping make the audience “cheer” for him – especially when the women this season are all extremely likable.

For those that don’t think Juan Pablo is a snooze fest, I dare you to play Bachelor Bingo and not black out your card in the first ten minutes of the show.

Play Bachelor Bingo Juan Pablo edition.

If you want to play at home, download Bachelor Bingo – Juan Pablo edition here!

And while the language barrier thing used to be “sexy,” it’s now clearly become a hinderance. For instance, here’s all he could say during his plane ride over one of the most breathtaking parts of the world:

“I like this place. It is a beautiful place. It has rivers. It has mountains. I will have a good time here.” – Juan Pablo, practicing for his English 101 exam

So what you’re saying is – and I think the New Zealand Tourism Board would agree – is that…

subway-poster-flight-conchords-new-zealand

OK, enough about Juan Pablo, let’s talk about what went down in the Shire.

“My Main Squeeze”

Andi can’t believe she’s had to wait this long for a date with Juan Pablo, even though she’s already hooked up with him about half a dozen times. This is probably a perfect example of that saying “why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” Then again, that could probably apply to any girl on the show, so never mind.

This hasn’t stopped Andi from doing what she does best – showing us “super cute but worried Andi face” – and yes…it’s ADORABLE. I hope she’s made the same face after arguing a case in court, and the jury just goes “Awwwwww” and then they find in favor of the plaintiff ANNNNNNNND that cute little lost puppy named Andi.

Nikki, on the other hand, looks equally disappointed, even though she had her date last week AND got a bunch of other group date roses too. It’s also a great reminder that women who were the only girl in their family should never come on The Bachelor. She’s probably equally disappointed that she doesn’t receive EVERY rose at the rose ceremonies.

Andi and Nikki worry about the one on one date with Bachelor Juan Pablo in New Zealand.

Clare is surprisingly shocked that it wasn’t her, even though she pretty much had a one on one date last week. Then I remembered it’s Clare, so that last sentence should have read “unsurprisingly.” Regardless, she warns us that she’s “building up pressure and could erupt” in New Zealand, which I pray is not a metaphor for having sex inside a volcano.

Cassandra “never thought” Andi would be the one going on the date with Juan Pablo and feels extremely jealous. Apparently, Cassandra has never been taught what the term “process of elimination” means. I guess everyone that tries out for the Detroit Pistons dance team makes it???

Haters aside, Andi is pumped to finally get past the physical attraction she has with Juan Pablo and dive into some meaningful conversation…

The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Andi go on a jet boat for their New Zealand date.

…in the back of a speeding jet boat.

Juan Pablo talked to the locals about a romantic place called “The Squeeze,” and I bet he language-barriered the crap out of that conversation, which probably went something like this:

Juan Pablo: “Hiyee, do you know of a place that has much romance for my date?”
Kiwi: “Oy, you looking to drop your gear and get a little randy?”
JP: “No, I do not want to drop anyone, and her name is ANDI…not Randy.”
Kiwi: “You’d be off your face if you didn’t rattle your dags and take her to the Squeeze, mate.”
JP: “Oh yes, I always grab their faces when I give besos, and I do the squeeze too!”
Kiwi (talking to his mate): “Hahaha, this one’s mad as a meat axe! Just give him a map and tell him to naff off.”
JP: “¡Pray-tee good! Gracias!”

The boat stops and it starts to rain, but that’s the least of Andi’s worries. After all, she did wear her bathing suit under her clothes. You see…unbeknownst to Andi and Juan Pablo, “The Squeeze” is one of those names that has a double meaning. At the end is a secluded, natural hot water pool – the perfect place for romance. However, to get there you have to “squeeze” through a series of EXTREMELY narrow rock passages.

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Andi swim through the Squeeze in New Zealand.

And if we’re honest, if you weigh more than Juan Pablo or Andi then you probably should never attempt “The Squeeze” unless you’re fine with the possibility of being wedged between two boulders for a few months. It would be like that time on The Simpsons when Homer got stuck inside a water slide, but way less funny.

Once they reached the waterfall at the end, I bet Andi couldn’t wait to finally get to know Juan Pablo better. You know…since it was really hard to have a good conversation on that jet bo—

Oh…ok, maybe just…ummm…you just let me know when you’re finished.

The Bachelor Juan pablo and Andi kiss at the Squeeze in New Zealand.

As Flight of the Conchords sang, it was clearly “Business Time.”

Keeping with the…um, wet theme of the date, the two finished the evening at Te Puia Springs. A geyser explodes and ruins their dinner, but Andi doesn’t care because YOLO, and also because I don’t think any of these girls eat a lot anyway.

As shown by her recent actions, Andi also REALLY values her conversations with Juan Pablo. I’m just glad there’s not a dollar amount assigned to everything that’s said to each other, because Juan Pablo would have to charge by the word.

“I’m just feeling a lot of different things right now. What do you think about all of this? I’ve been worried from the start. I just want that great love. If I had nothing else – like if I didn’t have a great job or nice things – but I had love then I would be ok. It’s supposed to be easy and fun like this. It’s supposed to be where my cheeks hurt. I’m glad I’m here, though. I can’t wait to have a family. It makes me smile.” – Andi, pouring out her soul

“I’m glad you’re here.” – Juan Pablo, stroking Andi’s hair, and probably understanding about half of what she said

At least we’re catching a glimpse at the next Bachelorette.

“The Special Juans”

Cassandra is still upset she didn’t get a one on one date with Juan Pablo, but then she reveals it’s her 22nd birthday so it’s hard not to feel sorry for her. That is…until she calls him “Juan” yet again, and not by his full name.

Bachelor Juan Pablo goes sorbing with the girls in New Zealand.

I don’t think she’s being disrespectful, though. Maybe she’s just making sure she can say the first part really good before she adds the more complicated two-syllable “Pablo.”

Juan Pablo kicked the date off with an inspiring toast at their picnic:

“I am here with many beautiful women, and hopefully we can get to know each other more this day, and have a good day, and a good party tonight.” – Juan (if you’re Cassandra)

Chelsie steals him away from the group because she probably wants some meaningful time and deep conversat —

…oh never mind, they’re blowing grass whistles.

chelsie and Bachelor Juan pablo blow grass whistles in New Zealand.

The date card said “Let Love Roll,” and besides being a horrible word play off a Lenny Kravitz song, it could only mean one thing since they’re in New Zealand…the birthplace of ZORBING!!!!

If you’re not familiar with zorbing it’s not complicated: you basically get inside of a large, transparent plastic orb and roll down a steep hill. Think of it as if you crossed one of the cast members of Jackass with a hamster. It sounds really dangerous, but the only people who died from it lived in countries like the Philippines, the Czech Republic and Russia. Yeah…I wouldn’t drink the water in those places, much less go zorbing there.

And like Andi’s date, I guess the date clue did have a double meaning. For example, Kat and Juan Pablo went zorbing,” while Nikki and Juan Pablo went “zorrrrrrrrbing.”

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Kat in the Obo while zorbing in New Zealand. Bachelor Juan Pablo and Nikki kiss inside the Obo while zorbing in New Zealand.

Seriously bro, in an Ogo?

Plus, those orbs make the CUTEST babies!

Sharleen slides out of the ogo while zorbing in New Zealand.

[PUSH PAUSE ON YOUR REMOTE]

Ok, now is the part where you tell your boyfriend or husband to start watching, because they’re having their cocktail party at frickin’ HOBBITON from Lord of the Rings! Sharleen goes full dork and describes it as the best location for cocktail party, and she’s totally right. It has the Hobbit houses, the fields of the Shire, cider, swords, bows…

Bachelor Juan Pablo with his shirt off.

The mothers – Renee and Cassandra – have been on Juan Pablo’s mind through this entire process. And by “on his mind” I mean that he’s tried to set a good example by making out with all the other girls except them. He’s thinking about the children.

His “Special Ones,” as he affectionately calls them, hold a dear place in his heart because he understands the things they struggle with as a fellow single parent. As a result, Renee is developing some strong feelings for him, and appreciates that he doesn’t view her as “baggage.”

“I haven’t felt this in a long time. I feel like where I’m at with Juan Pablo now is where I’ve been in past relationships after 6-8 months.” – Renee

So basically, some of Renee’s ex-boyfriends have only taken her on one date, kissed her one time, and bought her one dress in the span of almost a year. Those are the ones you hold on to and never let go.

And speaking of his “Special Ones,” Juan Pablo certainly has some very tough decisions to make this week. After all, he can’t keep everyone around. Someone has to go.

Bachelor Juan Pablo struggles to send Cassandra home from New Zealand.

Nikki is scared that she’s falling for Juan Pablo. He plays with her hair a lot, which I’m now convinced is his way of saying he’s not listening. They kiss again, but for some reason the ABC cameraman felt very strongly about capturing a close up of their tongues wrapped in battle. I would honestly rather watch Gollum eat a raw fish.

Nikki and Juan Pablo kiss at Hobbiton.

Tensions are high and the girl clan of Bachelorettes is in disarray: Chelsie and Kat are competing for the final rose, Sharleen is starting to feel very un-organic, and Cassandra is feeling neglected despite the fact that it’s her birthday. It’s like she invited the best-looking guy in school to her sweet sixteen party, and all he does is talk and make out with all her friends.

Naturally, the group date rose went to Sharleen and NOT Cassandra, because that would have actually made sense. To make the already awkward situation worse, he escorts Cassandra outside and sends her home.

Bachelor Juan Pablo breaks up with Cassandra on her 22nd birthday.

Juan does not eff around.

Happy Birthday, Cassandra.

Sharleen is surprised that Cassandra left by the Bachelor Juan Pablo.

“Just So We’re Clare”

Clare respects Juan Pablo’s honesty last week, but she thinks there’s a BIG difference between honesty and hurting someone’s feelings. That’s why their date on the rockiest beach in New Zealand was a perfect metaphor for their relationship. It’s HONESTLY the worst spot to have a picnic, and it’s going to HURT your butt.

The Bachelor Juan Pablo and Clare on their New Zealand date.

In reality, it was the best place for them to go on their date. It would have been pretty difficult for Juan Pablo to apologize for calling her a slut while tumbling around inside an Obo pod.

“Today, he’s more than welcome to say ‘Clare, I’m sorry'” – Clare, preparing to be disappointed

Juan Pablo explained that he said “yes” in the moment, but should have told her his policy ahead of time. However, if his “Hookup Appropriateness” policy in any way resembles his kissing rules, then Clare had every right to come booty-calling at four in the morning. [allegedly]

And while Juan Pablo never really, actually apologized for shaming her, whatever he said seemed to satisfy her hurt feelings.

BAchelor Juan Pablo and Clare work out their feelings in New Zealand.

Clare is still unclear on what “the boundaries” are between them. Juan Pablo has three simple rules for dating:

1) Never hold hands in front of Camilla
2) Never kiss in front of Camilla
3) Never spend the spend the night in front of Camilla

So when he brings one of these girls home it’s going to be “Heeyyyy, this is daddy’s friennnd.” This makes me wonder if Camila even knows she’s getting a new mommy. Juan Pablo should have had a prep talk on that one.

Clare still can’t figure out if they did anything inappropriate, because “Never have sex in the ocean” isn’t in his bylaws. She also claimed this moment as their “first fight,” because Clare likes being first. Both of them detest fighting and conflict, so if they end up together I predict about 1-3 years of happiness, 4-7 years of fake happiness, and a solid three weeks of them screaming at each other. No, no…make that six weeks.

ABC was either REALLY lazy this week with the dinner plans, or they blew their budget on the jet boat and the zorbing. Regardless, Clare and Juan Pablo welcomed a casual evening in his hotel room. He even let her borrow a pair of his MC Hammer pants.

Clare dances in MC Hammer pants on her date with Bachelor Juan Pablo.

This was particularly appropriate, because according to Juan Pablo’s new relationship rules: YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS!

Please Clare, don’t hurt ’em.

“Not Every Kat Has Nine Lives”

Hey guys, it’s Chris Harrison! Remember, that guy who’s supposed to host the show. He talks to Juan Pablo about his decision to dump Cassandra and what he expects to get out of the rose ceremony:

Bachelor Juan Pablo talks to host Chris Harrison in New Zealand.

Nikki is nervous but confident in their connection. In a shocking twist, it’s Juan Pablo who opens up by revealing he’s wearing pink underwear. When he tells her “I like you a lot,” Nikki wants him to define how much “a lot” is. Eaaaasssy there Nikki. Defining feelings and analyzing things in real-time is Sharleen’s gig. Stick to your own gimmick of acting selfish and entitled.

Chelsie and Kat quickly determined that one of them was the next to leave. Chelsie acted nervous and humble, while Kat was already booking her flight for Miami and probably didn’t even pack her luggage.

Kat and Chelsie talk about the rose ceremony with Juan Pablo.

The only thing Chelsie has in her favor is that she kissed Juan Pablo. Both of their dates are a wash since one involved exercising and the other involved jumping off a bridge. Chelsie just knows she wants to find true love – something she’s sure to find on The Bachelor.

Kat tries to compete by telling Juan Pablo she’s been journaling about her alcoholic dad. While I’m sure it’s therapeutic for Kat, all he sees is a girl with daddy issues who can dance. Plus, she was forced to play with her own hair during their conversation, which is a sure sign that she’s not lasting much longer.

Predictably, Kat’s nine lives ran out, as she was sent packing. It made sense to eliminate both of the former NBA dancers in the same episode. Juan Pablo’s probably a HUGE bandwagon Heat fan, and it would be bad karma to show up in Miami next week with those two in the fold.

Farewell Kat, we will miss your confidence.

Here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:

Cassandra

Cassandra is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI

There are probably worse things that can happen to you on your birthday than being dumped by a guy. What if that guy dumped you on NATIONAL TELEVISION on your birthday? That would be awful.

You knew Cassandra didn’t have a chance when she was unable to properly Salsa during her one on one date, and then couldn’t follow the choreography when she had to dance on stage with 2NE1 in South Korea. Dancing is very important to Juan Pablo. Cassandra should actually consider herself lucky. If this were So You Think You Can Dance? she wouldn’t even come close to “going to Vegas.”

Grade: F


Kat

Kat is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA

“If there’s one rose and it’s Chelsie and I, I am not going home.” – Kat, jinxing herself

This is what happens when the women get overconfident. They think they have it in the bag and then they go and bore Juan Pablo with stories of journaling about their alcoholic dads. You don’t have to be a body language analyst to be able to tell when Juan Pablo really doesn’t give a crap about something.

Grade: F


These Bachelorettes are going to…Miami:

Andi

Andi is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA

Andi is probably pretty high in Juan Pablo’s book right now because their date included all of his favorite things: swimsuits, making out, and very little talking.

Andi wins for the best love analogy of the season so far: “Love is a lot like ‘The Squeeze’.” Therefore, love is dark, cold, claustrophobic, silent, and uncomfortable. Sounds delightful. I hope to be a part of that someday.

Grade: A-


Chelsie

Chelsie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH

Juan Pablo proved that he is useful for two things (and two things only):

1) He can make your zorb go faster with his weight
2) He blows a mean grass whistle
3) He looks good while doing it

Now that you have had his best, leave while America still loves you, Chelsie, because Juan Pablo never will.

Grade: A


Clare

Clare is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Hairstylist
Hometown: Sacramento, CA

Clare and Juan Pablo had their first fight before most girls even got a second date. Ladies, save yourselves the trouble and just let Clare have this one. Juan Pablo’s insanely attractive, but kind of the worst. Clare’s insanely attractive, and definitely the worst.

It just fits.

Grade: C+ 


Nikki

Nikki is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO

High point this week: Wearing a bright red dress to the cocktail party when everyone else decided to dress like they were going to a funeral. Come on guys, you could not have liked Cassandra that much.

Low point this week: Wasting her time kissing Juan Pablo in a Zorb. Zorbs are for laughing and/or screaming and THAT IS IT! You can kiss anywhere. Zorb time is sacred time, don’t waste that on your silly little crush, Nikki.

Huge mistake.

Grade: A-


Renee

Renee is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA

She picked up sheep poop. If Renee is not the undisputed “most deserving” girl of Juan Pablo’s love then I don’t know who is. She’s already proved she can mother a bunch of 20-year olds – Camila will be a piece of cake.

Grade: A+


Sharleen

Sharleen is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

Sharleen is using Juan Pablo as her very own Sex Idiot (though in their case it’s really more of a Make Out Idiot) just because she can.

I can’t wait to see her “peace out” next week.

Grade: A-


In Conclusion…

Renee throwing sheep poop? Renee throwing sheep poop.

Renee and Bachelor Juan pablo throw sheep poop at each other in New Zealand.

Adios! See you next week!

Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:

Episode 1 – Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 – Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 – Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 – Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 – Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 – Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 – Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 – Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 – And Then There Was Juan

The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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10 thoughts on “Bachelor Breakdown – Juan Rose to Rule Them All”

  1. I thought this would be the best season ever but there is literally no one on this show I care about. Of course, I will keep watching because, like a tragic accident, I have to see the end wreckage. But mostly I will keep watching so I can fully enjoy the hilarity of the breakdown!!

Talk to me, loser.