Juan Pablo Galavis meets the 27 Bachelorettes on the 18th season of ABC's The Bachelor.

Bachelor Breakdown – You Get Juan Chance to Make a First Impression

Being chosen as the next star of ABC’s The Bachelor would typically change a man’s life dramatically. When we last saw this season’s Bachelor Juan Pablo back in August, he was surrounded in a room full of screaming women who all pretty much wanted to marry him and immediately start having his babies. Everyone was out-of-control excited. Well, let’s fast forward a few months and see how the tables have turned. Now he’s surrounded by a significantly smaller group of women who all want to marry him and have his babi… … …OK, I guess not much has changed. Carry on, Juan Pablo.

Despite not receiving a coveted one-on-one date with then Bachelorette Desiree and very little TV time, Juan Pablo managed to capture the hearts of every woman in America and became one of the biggest fan favorites in Bachelor history. This was particularly – for lack of a better word“AMAZING” considering all he did on the show was get beat at soccer by a women’s team and watch the extended trailer for that horrible Lone Ranger movie.

Oh, and he also danced a little with his shirt off, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary for our man J.P.

Juan Pablo dances in the rap video on the Bachelorette for right reasons with Desiree.

So despite his limited exposure, many of us were left “Juan”-ting more of this mysterious man from Venezuela who kinda, sorta knows English.

Well, congrats all ladies in America because – wish granted. I just hope it’s not one of those situations where three episodes in you’re left thinking “I probably should have been careful what I wished for” because there’s a very good chance that the Juan Pablo experiment ends in LOS DESASTROSO.

Though, considering Juan Pablo took his shirt off about 80 times in the premier I see no issues in the foreseeable future.

Everything You Juan-ted to Know About Our Bachelor…But Were Afraid to Ask

If you’ve been living under a rock OR you just didn’t happen to catch the last season of The Bachelorette (which yes, are synonymous) then here’s what you need to know about Juan Pablo Galavis.

1. Juan Pablo was born in New York, was raised in Venezuela, but now lives in Miami.

On paper this makes him “trilingual” because he speaks Spanish, English-ish, and of course what he refers to as “thay language of looooove” because for some reason Spanish is sexier when you’re not from Mexico.

I’ll give him a full point for his Spanish, and I guess he gets a full point too for the “language of love” thing, but I can only go about a half point for his English. He still sounds like he’s a couple semesters into his English 101 class at Miami Community College. So at best he’s 2.5-lingual.

This makes me worry that I’m going to have to read a bunch of subtitles this season, particularly if there’s a few women who already speak some Spanish. Seriously, if I wanted to read subtitles I would sign up for Film Studies 101 at Miami Community College. Maybe it’s in the classroom next to Juan Pablo’s.

Bachelor Juan Pablo talks to the 27 Bachelorettes.

Juan Pablo also thinks that the language of love is Spanish, but he’s only partially right. “Traditionally” the language of love is French, but the French are also “traditionally” annoying so it’s hard to give that to them outright. I mean, they already have “toast” and “kissing” on lockdown, so it’s not completely out of line to say that another language represents “love” just to piss off the French.

Plus, to a bunch of desperate white chicks ANY foreign language or accent is going to be enough to get them to love you. Seriously, if Juan Pablo spoke German they would all be totally fine with it, but they might tell him to talk even less than he does now and/or ask him why his throat hurts.

2. No matter what, Juan Pablo’s numero uno is his daughter.

As if Juan Pablo needed more ammo to make himself sexier to women, he also has a 4-year old daughter named Camila, or as he says it: CA-MEEE-LA. She was born on Valentine’s Day.

Bachelor Juan Pablo poses with his daughter Camila.

EVERYTHING he does is for Camila, including spending months away on reality shows and maybe/possibly not paying child support to his ex-wife – super hot model and actress Carla Rodriquez. That’s right, according to the National Enquirer, Juan Pablo was ordered by a judge in 2011 to pay about $3,500 in back child support and his wages have been garnished ever since.

I’m not sure why he wouldn’t pay child support if he loves Camila SOOOOO much, but then again, you never know someone’s situation. I would pay her the child support just so I could say I used to be with someone as smoking hot as Carla Rodriquez.

Bachelor Juan Pablo's ex-wife Carla Rodriquez.

It doesn’t seem as though this has affected his relationship with Camila – or his even his ex-wife – for that matter. Carla retweeted someone who was apparently REALLY excited about the premier of The Bachelor, but I don’t know Spanish so this person could have been really mad at Juan Pablo for being a deadbeat dad and I would never know the difference:

Bachelor Juan Pablo's ex-wife Carla Rodriquez tweets during the Bachelor premier.

Plus, I’m sure Carla’s support checks will get a little sweeter after this.

Camila’s face always brightens up when she’s around Juan Pablo and she truly loves her dad, but then I remembered that she has absolutely NO idea what “child support” is, so as long as he takes her to the park once a week she’s bueno.

However, I will take issue with his car safety skills. This guy desperately NEEDS a soccer mom in his life. Seriously, that strap is looser than some of the women he’s dated.

Bachelor Juan Pablo plays with his daughter Camila.

3. Juan Pablo is a former professional soccer player.

I would like to emphasize the word “former” in that statement because he doesn’t play anymore (i.e. he probably sucked), and deemphasize the word  “professional” because a lot of people can get paid to play a sport. Yes, I’m looking at you lingerie football chicks, bowlers, and Adam Morrison.

According to his ESPN FC soccer stats, Juan Pablo played three years in the Primera División de Venezuela and accumulated exactly zero goals, assists or even shots. The highlight of his soccer career included this pretty sweet header while playing for the now defunct Miami FC from the MLS.

…which he then followed up with a yellow card for placing the soccer ball under his jersey during his celebration after pushing the opposing team’s goalkeeper.

“¡ESSSS NO MATTER! WE DANCE!”

Juan Pablo and the Bachelors celebrate after scoring a goal playing soccer for their group date on the Bachelorette. Juan Pablo and the Bachelors celebrate after scoring a goal playing soccer for their group date on the Bachelorette.

5. Juan Pablo does consulting for sports and entertainment, whatever that is.

While it’s not as ambiguous as many other “occupations” of past and present Bachelor contestants, I have no idea what a sports consultant does. To me, it looked like he just got to hang out with the Miami Marlins while they had batting practice. Henderson Alvarez gave Juan Pablo a bat to take to the Venezuela Baseball Hall of Fame – one of his biggest clients – which makes perfect sense because Alvarez is a pitcher. I’m guessing the Venezuela Baseball Hall of Fame isn’t very good.

6. Based on this episode, Juan Pablo likes:

  • Camila
  • Hooking up with chicks
  • Soccer
  • Dancing
  • Saying “wow” a lot
  • Drawing hearts
  • Spanish house music

7. Based on this episode, Juan Pablo hates:

  • Shirts
  • the English language

Enter The Seanfather aka “Hermano Time”

Bachelor Juan Pablo and former Bachelor Sean Lowe are shirtless for the meeting.

Juan Pablo starts a daughter/daddy swing session when he’s “interrupted” by a visit by Bachelor legend Sean Lowe from Season 17. He takes a break to go talk about his strategy for hooking up with all these ladie – errr, I mean, how he’s going to “pick out a mommy for you CA-MEEEE-LA.”

To Juan Pablo, the decision to call Sean was obvious:

“Who else I was going to call to? A guy that knows pretty well what is all going on.” – Juan Pablo

That would’ve scored 7/10 on his English 101 pop quiz BTW.

Juan Pablo is struggling with what to call this…how do you say it “journey?” “How about ‘Adventure'” suggests Sean, as he pulls out his Thesaurus app. “Jess, jess a journey,” agrees Juan Pablo. “Theese is something I will be liking.”

Juan Pablo has been working on his English to pronounce things better, like people’s names [foreshadowing]. Oh, and he also has a horrible time remembering people’s names, but this is also something the women will not care about on the first night.

1. First order of business: REMOVE THOSE SHIRTS!

2. Second order of business: How is Juan Pablo going to mack on all these girls and get away with it? Sean suggests that he not let the Bachelorettes see him kissing other girls. I predict this advice is also foreshadowing.

What Could Have Been

ABC did something a little different this season and took us behind the scenes of how they choose the women for this show. To me, this was a double-edge sword. On one hand I get to see all the crazy chicks they have to filter through to find 25 half-normal ones, and on the other hand it’s a shame that none of these women made it on the show.

Imagine an entire season of choosing from these gems:

The girls do weird things during the casting calls for the Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Tierra from Sean’s season ain’t looking too shabby now, is she? They could totally spin this off and put these chicks into a Bachelor B-sides show and just see who’s alive at the end of it.

Let’s Meet the Bachelorettes!

First, here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:

Alexis

Alexis is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Communications Director
Hometown: Tampa, FL
Favorite Book: The Bible
Top 3 All-Time Favorite Movies: Home Alone 2, Elf and Titanic

Alexis started off on the right foot by saying “Hi” in Spanish, but that’s something anyone can do so not very impressive.

It was good that Juan Pablo sent Alexis home the first night because it sends the “I get it, you think we should date because we both speak Spanish and are ridiculously good-looking. Well guess what? It’s going to take more than that to get with me!” message.

It also sends the message that anyone whose favorite movie is Home Alone 2 will not be tolerated.

“Reality shows are ungodly Juan Pablo. People cheer for you… and you are a false idol.” – Nacho Libre (probably)

Oh, who am I kidding? The crazy, half-Mexican showed up fake pregnant and she made it through, so more than likely Alexis “religious-sized” her way out of a relationship with Juan Pablo. While she wants to do missionary work around the world and educate other cultures about the Catholic faith, Juan Pablo would probably prefer to play soccer with his hermanos once a week and hang out with the Marlins. Just because he’s from Venezuela doesn’t mean he’s Catholic too, Alexis.

Grade: F


Amy J

Amy J. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Massage Therapist
Hometown: Apopka, FL

Amy is a girl that we in the industry like to call, “50 shades of Cray”. She has been unlucky in love, which is interesting because her only dream is to find a man who wants to be rubbed by her. She should have a line a mile long outside her door.

“None of the men I’ve dated have enjoyed massage.” – Amy J.

Amy J practically has an orgasm while giving a massage to Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Well, Amy J. have you ever considered that you probably shouldn’t enjoy the massage MORE than the person receiving it? Rubbing my calves should not make you climax.

Still, many suffer from the same challenges as Amy J. And yes, by that I am referring to her mad “Crazy Eyes Disease”. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Re-watch her introduction package and see if you can’t imagine her going all Sugarland “Stuck Like Glue on you.

Amy J. is one of those girls who wants to tie you up, force feed you birthday cake, and then maybe murder you in your sleep. She’s like Kathy Bates in Misery, but slightly hotter.

Amy J pretends to feed Bachelor Juan Pablo food in her tryout video for the Bachelor.

CED is a real thing people. Hashtag The more you know

Oh, and this:

“I love the Fourth of July because it’s so romantic!” – Amy J.

Grade: C- (It’s the lowest grade I can give her so she passes but still “fails.” I don’t want her coming after me)


Ashley

Ashley is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Hometown: Roanoke, TX
Favorite Author: Dr. Seuss

Ashley really tried to work the “Sexy Schoolteacher” angle, but it was clear from the start that Ashley is one of those women that did not choose to be a teacher – she was born to be a teacher. From her positive praise (“Gold star for you Juan Pablo!”) to her ability to calm temper tantrums (“I’m looking at you Lauren H…. who’s in control right now?”) you can tell that Ashley is someone who likes to bring her work home with her.

Had he chosen her, Juan Pablo’s life would have been full of things like:

“I am talking right now. If you have something very important to say then you need to remember to raise your hand.”

“Is this a question or a comment?”

“1,2,3, eyes on me.”

Grade: F


Christine

Christine is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Police Support Specialist
Hometown: Miami, FL
Favorite Board Game: Monopoly

An alphabet rainbow bead bracelet? Camila’s 4 1/2…not blind. You’re going to be a STEP-Mom, Christine. You have to buy Camila’s love. You should have shelled out for Kay’s.

Grade: F


Kylie

Kylie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Interior Designer
Hometown: Rockford, IL
Tattoos: Four, because of course she does
Favorite Board Game: Jumanji

I’m not surprised Kylie’s favorite board game is Jumanji, because her experience on The Bachelor was no different from the movie – a disaster. However, I am surprised that her favorite movie wasn’t Pretty in Pink, because you could have fooled me with the bright pink dress and the ginger hair.

My favorite rose ceremony moment ever used to be the one where ESPN College Football analyst Jesse Palmer gave a rose to the wrong girl when he called out the wrong name, but the more I think about it that moment is understandable. How’s a bro supposed to memorize the names of 25 girls when he’s been staring at their boobs for several hours? And also, Jesse Palmer folks.

No, that moment was NOTHING compared to the awesomeness of Kylie.

I will forever cherish that.

We also learned three very important lessons from Kylie in her short time on this show:

1. Instead of saying “smoking hot wife material”, bubble gum pink ball gowns scream, “YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MY OLD KEN DOLL!”

2. If there is ever a time in your life when you feel like you’ve made a complete idiot of yourself, you can think of Kylie and realize it could always be worse. Yep, add that clip to your YouTube favorites.

3. 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon may have been right about the dangers of naming your daughter Kylie.

Grade: F


Lacy

Lacy is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Nursing Home Owner
Hometown: Antelope Acres, CA
Favorite Snacks: Hot Cheetos

Lacy comes from a family of 13 and NINE of her siblings have special needs. You know what this means right? Yep, she’s one of the final four.

After watching Lacy’s introduction video, I thought there was no way that Juan Pablo would be sending this chick home the first night. But I guess that’s the thing about Juan Pablo, he does what he Juan-ts. There’s NO WAY he’s going to inherit the responsibility of taking care of a bunch of old people and her disabled siblings. THERE WOULD BE NO TIME FOR CA-MEEEE-LA!

There’s also a good chance that the language barrier didn’t really work in her favor because “disabled”, “elderly” and “care facility” can be difficult terms to understand for a guy who mostly says “WOW!”

Grade: F


Lauren H.

Lauren H. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Mineral Coordinator
Hometown: Edmond, OK

Lauren H. gets the honor of being “that girl” for the first night and rose ceremony. She was cruelly dumped on the phone while at work by her fiancé, but don’t worry people that was “SO last month and she’s SUPER over it now,” says Lauren H. as she sobs for about five hours. In her own words: “It hasn’t broken me.”

She broke down in front of everyone because she couldn’t find a way to get one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. However, she really didn’t even try. She basically sat by herself in a room and wondered why he couldn’t find her. Ummmm, he doesn’t even remember your name, much less if he talked to you or not.

Lauren H. then says, “My love life has sucked, so I deserve a rose.”

“She’s right,” said every other girl in the room, “we’re all here because our love lives are AWESOME.”

If she were a mineral Lauren H. would be topaz, because it’s the worst mineral.

Grade: F


Maggie

Maggie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Personal banker
Hometown: Wagener, SC
City or Country Person? American by birth, Southern by the grace of God! Country all the way.

Maggie is a sweet, All-American, Southern Belle that is just looking for a good man to make some young’ns with. This was also her first time flying, so I can’t imagine she has electricity in the small Southern town she’s from.

The bad news: I knew things wouldn’t last long between Maggie and Juan Pablo simply because that is just too much accent for one relationship.

The good news: Maggie is the perfect candidate to find love on the poor Southern man’s Bachelor more commonly known as CMT’s Sweet Home Alabama.

Jacob_Lambert

Grade: F


Valerie

Valerie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Personal trainer
Hometown: Sutter, CA

Juan Pablo made a good call in sending Valerie home quickly. She’s a “pretty girl who’s not afraid to get dirty” who came on just a little TOO eager for all the girl drama she would be experiencing in the house, meaning:

A) she’s either a closeted Lesbian or
B)…into girls.

Yeah, there’s really no other explanation.

Maybe she thought she could take the cowgirl angle just because he won the Western/Lone Ranger movie challenge with Des. He doesn’t even know what the Lone Ranger is, darlin’.

Juan Pablo gets excited for the horses on the Bachelorette with Desiree.

Grade: F


And now, the Bachelorettes who get to say “hola” one more week:

Alli

Alli is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Nanny
Hometown: Orland Park, IL
Top 3 All-Time Favorite Movies: 16 CandlesPretty WomanGladiator

Alli is my pick for the best pre-meditated introduction gag. She knows how to get a soccer playing man’s attention, and when you’ve got the legs and dress for it, I say, “GET IT GURL!!!”

Alli brings a soccer ball for her gimmick on the Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Alli could go far in this competition because she’s attractive enough, obviously willing to change herself to impress a man, and she works as a nanny so we know that she’s AMAZING at pretending she loves kids that are not her own.

Grade: A


Amy L

Amy L. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Local News Reporter
Hometown: Clermont, FL
Pets: Two Ragdoll cats

This may seem like a harsh grade for a girl that we know almost nothing about, but we do know one thing about Amy L. – she is a super weird hugger. Seriously, she was the first one out of the limo and she comes lunging at Juan Pablo ready to get her Oprah-arms all up on him.

Amy L and Bachelor Juan Pablo share a hug kiss at the limo meet.

Amy L.’s hugging makes her the female equivalent of your creepy uncle you avoid at family functions, “Ay kiddo! Come here and give me a hug! Look how big you’ve gotten!”

No thank you.

From her bio:

If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it?
Walk up to them…how else?

Grade: D


Andi

Andi is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
That’s tough – either getting a murderer convicted in 8 minutes or climbing the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

First of all, Andi’s introduction package was like watching the crappiest Legally Blonde sequel yet, and those of us who saw Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde know that’s saying something.

Andi’s living in her own little “Legally Brunette” world, where she gets to blow people’s minds everyday by being hot AND smart. And I mean, she’s right. Everyone knows that hot girls can only be models, actresses, or paralegals.

Andi Dorfman is a contestant on the 18th The Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Andi – the hot Assistant District Attorney – you are beacon of hope to hot girls everywhere. May this adventure you take with Juan Pablo continue to be filled with you trying to dumb yourself down so that your brains won’t distract him from your beauty!

Books are for uggos!


Cassandra

Cassandra is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI

Being a “former” NBA dancer is probably somewhere between being a former Hooters girl and former car show model. You shouldn’t tell people about a job you used to have that really wasn’t great to begin with.

I think that Cassandra’s introduction tactic was more brilliant than America may have realized. Sure, it looks like she walked up, had nothing to say to Juan Pablo, and sat through a really awkward pause. BUT when she called out the pause for being awkward, and Juan Pablo agreed…BOOM! Common ground. The place where love begins to grow.

I can see her milking this for at least one or two more weeks. “Oh, you like to drink something when you’re thirsty? Me too!” “No, seriously. I love air. I breathe it, like, all the time.” “Wait, you sleep at night?? Get out! We have too much in common!”

Grade: C


Chantel

Chantel is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Account Manager
Hometown: Miami, FL
Top 3 All-Time Movies: John Q, The Notebook, Home Alone 2

Chantel made a connection with Juan Pablo because they both know what it’s like to have people mispronounce their names. They should start a support group with the following people: Hermione Granger, Keanu Reeves, Zooey Deschanel…the possibilities are endless.

And Home Alone 2? This has to be a prank.

Grade: C


Chelsie

Chelsie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH

Chelsie – the young, fun science teacher –  is super cute and very likable. Her little “science experiment” introduction, awkward as it was, made me laugh. Unfortunately, I think her little chemistry joke was wasted on Juan Pablo because “hermano no hablar Ingles muy bien,” or whatever.

Then there was that awkward moment in the photo booth when he asked her how many kids she wanted to have and she replied, “ALL OF THEM!” OOOOO… sorry Chelsie, the correct answer is TWO. I believe that Juan Pablo has made himself very clear on that.

My prediction: America will fall in love with Chelsie, but Juan Pablo won’t.

Grade: A


Christy

Christy is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Aurora, IL
Who is your favorite actor and why?
Adam Sandler – I’ve been obsessed with him since I was little.

Hmmm… The only thing I remember about Christy is her ugly white dress. NEXT!

Grade: C


Clare

Clare is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Hairstylist
Hometown: Sacramento, CA
Favorite board game: Clue

This is seemingly Clare’s contest to lose. She has everything going for her: she’s beautiful, she speaks Spanish, and she’s got a tragic story about her dad dying of brain cancer (complete with a mysterious DVD from him that she can only show to her husband). She doesn’t need a crazy gimmick at all.

So of course what does she do? She hobbles out of the limo with a fake baby belly. Yep, she’s faking a pregnancy! That’s great you want to prove you’re ready to have his children, but dear, sweet Clare, you hadn’t even met the dude yet. Plus, having a baby to keep your boyfriend only works in high school.

So really the message you sent to Juan Pablo (and the rest of America) is that your oven is ready to be filled with ANYONE’S buns. Always remember that the first thing you said to your potential husband was “Ugghhhh….”

Grade: B


Danielle

Danielle is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL
Food dislike: Not a big sushi fan

I’m not going to say anything bad about Danielle because I honestly fear for my life. She looks strangely like the Amazon chick from the casting call who demolished host Chris Harris in arm wrestling.

Danielle talks to Bachelor Juan Pablo and gives his daughter a teddy bear and also arm wrestles host Chris Harris.

Grade: C+ but probably an “A” in P.E.


Elise

Ellise is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: First Grade Teacher
Hometown: Forty Fort, PA
I hate it when my date?
Is arrogant, a smoker, uses profanity, and expresses a dislike of children.

My only notes for Elise where “hot teacher” so she must not have said much. Oh, and she’s learning Spanish too. People, you’re going about this the WRONG WAY! Juan Pablo needs to learn ENGLISH! You don’t need to learn anything! You’re going to be living in Miami, not Mexico City.

Grade: B-


Kat

Kat is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA
Favorite sports team: University of Iowa Football Team

Kat gets an “A” because she’s blonde, she’s a dancer, and she knows that to get a guy’s attention you have to smell good at all times. That being said, Kat, don’t think for one second that I believe you had never done the salsa before in your life.

I’m onto you.

Grade: A


Kelly

Kelly is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA
What is your most embarrassing moment?
At a high school dance – homecoming – I thought they called my name and it was another Kelly. I got so excited for another girl. Ohhhh man, poor Kylie during the rose ceremony.

Kelly’s occupation is “Dog Lover” which probably means she still lives at home and feeds her parent’s cocker spaniel every couple days. Either that, or she literally watches about 500-1,000 dogs a week in order to pay rent and utilities.

Michael G. from last season’s Bachelorette had the ultimate zing of the night:

michael-tweet

How does one become a dog lover? Is it a difficult process? What type of schooling is required? Is it a competitive field? And in regards to Molly, is she going to be living in the mansion as well? Does she get to go on the super dates? Are dogs allowed in helicopters?

Too many questions and loose ends with Kelly. We’ll see.

However, I was secretly praying that Molly would raise it’s leg and urinate on one of the other Bachelorette’s dresses. Hopefully on Lauren H.’s if we’re dropping truth bombs.

Grade: C


Lauren S.

Lauren S. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Music Composer
Hometown: Detroit, MI

Everything about Lauren S. was absurd on this episode. She pulled up riding a piano bike on cobblestone (seriously how much do the producers hate her), messes up her piano piece, is incredibly nervous-looking all night, and to top it all off forgets to even tell Juan Pablo her name.

She seems like a character Kristen Wiig should play, and for that I love her. I hope we get to see a lot of Lauren S. this season.

Grade: A


Lucy

Lucy is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Free Spirit (LOLZ)
Hometown: Santa Barbara, CA
Tattoos: Two (only two, really?)

Lucy will definitely NOT marry Juan Pablo, but she might end up being the most entertaining woman on the show. Seriously, read this chick’s bio:

City or country person? Neither. I am an ocean person.

Who do you admire most in the world and why?
I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin, my mother for her patience with me, and Steve Jobs for always believing in himself.

Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining.

What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
Once I organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.

Lucy is the girl in the group that every other girl is seeing and thinking, “If Juan Pablo is into that chick, then he is definitely NOT going to be into me.” Juan Pablo says that Lucy is, “What we call a ‘happy camper’.” Let me help you out there, Juan. Lucy is what we call a “stoner”, “reefer” or a “pothead.” Take your pick.

She just might be the slightly sluttier, female version of the Dos Equis guy.

LUCY sits on the Bachelor Juan Pablo's lap.

I can totally see the show going to some island off of Greece and Lucy just decides to stay there and marry some goat farmer.

Grade: Blue (free spirits don’t believe in grades)


Nikki

Nikki is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO
Preferred type of dancing: Is drunk dancing a type?

Nikki’s suggestion to Juan Pablo: “Do we have to talk? Can’t we must stare.”

Now you’re talking our language.

I’m also very glad she didn’t go “sexy nurse” with her gimmick, but she did manage to position Juan Pablo’s hand very close to her bosom with the stethoscope trick. Well played, Nikki.

Grade: A


Renee

Renee is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Real estate agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA
All-Time Favorite Movies: Top Gun, The Notebook, The Vow

Renee is basically a female Juan Pablo. No, she doesn’t take her shirt off every five minutes. She’s a single parent too, and they were able to bond over raising their kids. Renee told Juan Pablo she got married really young “because I got pregnant,” so we know right off the bat she’s going to be keeping it real.

Grade: B+


Sharleen

Sharleen is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

Sharleen might be one of the most refreshing women to ever be on The Bachelorette. You could call her this year’s “Brooks.” You know, she’s someone who goes against the grain a little bit and isn’t afraid to break down that “4th wall” between the production of the show and the viewer. Seriously, if that “wall” were made of glass she would have destroyed it with her opera voice.

The best thing about Sharleen is that it seems like she could give a flying crap about being there. It’s like she lost a bet with her opera buddies and they were like “Ok, how ‘boot you apply to be on the Bachelor, eh!!!” and she did it never thinking that it could actually happen.

Sharleen receives the first impression rose from Bachelor Juan Pablo in episode one.

Sharleen was even borderline pissed when Juan Pablo gave her the first impression rose. It was like she just wanted to tell him “Look, thanks I’m sure you’re as great as you say you are, but I just got off a 12-hour flight from Germany so do mind if we do this tomorrow…or like, whenever?”

“It seemed forced.” – What Sharleen actually said

And it just made Juan Pablo want her more. Maybe that’s the secret! Don’t want Juan Pablo and he will fall in love with you.

Even more awesomer was her basic refusal to sing for him:

“I will have to hear you sing.” – Juan Pablo

“uh…yeah we’ll see.” – Sharleen, sneering

Sharleen, you’re incredible.

Grade: A+


Victoria

Victoria is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Legal Assistant
Hometown: Porto Alegre, Brazil

Victoria thought she could bond with Juan Pablo by speaking Portugese, a close relative to Spanish, but still very different. They agreed to teach each other. However, when two people who’s second language is English get together they probably won’t be doing a lot of talking.

Victoria’s “greatest achievement” is her independence. Or in other words, she’s very, very, very proud that she moved out of her parent’s house. I’m also very curious how one becomes a legal assistant in Brazil because I didn’t know they had laws there. She probably works for a drug lord and that job title keeps the law away.

Grade: C


In Conclusion…

My only problem with the rose ceremony is that I think Chris Harrison should just walk up and say “UNO” before the last rose. It would infuse the Spanish culture more.

BACHELOR Juan Pablo and host Chris Harris at the rose ceremony.

Adios! See you next week!

Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:

Episode 1 - Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 - Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 - Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 - Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 - Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 - Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 - Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 - Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 - I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 - And Then There Was Juan

The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


If you want a rose from Special K, then check out Hello, Loser on Facebook

13 thoughts on “Bachelor Breakdown – You Get Juan Chance to Make a First Impression”

  1. 99.7% hilarious. But calling people with special needs “diseased”?? YIKES. You better this post doesn’t go too viral or you will get some serious heat for such a senseless, heartless comment.

Talk to me, loser.