Bachelor Breakdown – Juan Hot Mess

Our Bachelor Juan Pablo has just entered the best part of his experience on this show: the week AFTER the first rose ceremony. What makes it so great? Well…let’s just say that for the next few weeks he can literally do no wrong.

You see, Juan Pablo has just entered what I call “The Pipefish Phase” and it’s awesome…well, for him at least.

The pipefish is one of the few animals to exhibit female competition over males. In one species, the females are larger than the males, and the males tend to choose larger females (“Only if I were a pipefish, am I right ladies?”). In the other species, the females can change their color to impress males. In both species, females are less choosy than the males.

So yes, male pipefish are basically the human equivalent of being the last man on earth.

nad-lembeh-housereefpipefish

So the next time all the girls “Woooooooo” and fix their hair when Juan Pablo walks into the room, or Amy L. organizes a “welcoming committee” for a date she’s not even on, or Alli goes on for ten minutes about “how amazing Juan Pablo looks in blue” – remember the pipefish.

Never forget the pipefish.

Okay, so what happened this week?

“Clare and Present Danger”

Clare describes herself as just a “normal girl” living a “normal life” before she came on The Bachelor. Now she’s being blindfolded by a Latino guy who wants to take her somewhere secret to “surprise her.” Normally this would be cause for alarm. I’ve seen enough movies to know that this situation usually leads to the person being shot it the back of the head in the middle of an abandoned warehouse.

“I know this sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband.”

Well, at least you know it sounds crazy, Clare.

Clare is blindfolded by Bachelor Juan Pablo for their one on one date.

Juan Pablo talked about when he saw Clare for the first time. He recalls how “funny, clever and easy going” she was, but failed to recall that she was also fake PREGNANT.

“I like surprises.” – Juan Pablo

For their date, ABC constructed a gigantic “winter wonderland” in the middle of Los Angeles, because I’m sure that was more cost effective than flying them both to Canada.

They go sledding and “kind of” go ice skating.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo go sledding and ice skating during the one on one date.

Juan Pablo is excited that his surprise paid off because “looking at Clare’s smile is better than a million bucks,” though he probably wouldn’t be saying that if they were contestants on The Amazing Race.

When hot tub time rolled around, Clare pleaded with her body to “please help me to control myself,” while Juan Pablo was just grateful that he could still find a way to take his shirt off despite being surrounded by snow. Clare spent a bunch of time talking about her father who passed away, but Juan Pablo was clearly not used to talking during hot tub time. In Venezuela, hot tub time is for making Camilas and NOTHING else.

Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo talk and kiss in the hot tub during their one on one date.

In keeping with the snow theme, Clare goes “Elsa from Frozen” on us when she talks about her special necklace. “I turned into the ice queen and shut down. This necklace is a reminder that it’s good to feel.”

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Well now they know.” – what Clare should have said

Juan Pablo takes that opportunity to pull her in closer, double palm her head like a basketball, and drop some make out on her adorable face.

“Clare and I have high standards.” – Juan Pablo

Their jam session is interrupted by more surprises as they are serenaded by X Factor runner-up Josh Krajcik, who looks like a fatter Jimmy Fallen doing his Eddie Vedder impersonation.

Josh Krajcik from X factor performs for Clare and Bachelor Juan Pablo.

I was waiting for him to bust into his Dylan voice.

“Another Bright Idea?”

It must have killed notorious DOG lover Kelly to say the name on the next date card.

Dog lover Kelly reads the date card for Kat and Bachlor Juan Pablo's one on one date.

Juan Pablo has been excited to dance with Kat since their first meeting, probably because it’s another activity that doesn’t require any talking.

They take a private jet to their date destination. As Kat guesses where they might go, she is convinced that her future relationship with Juan Pablo would include “jet-setting with my Latin Lover” to romantic places around the world. First of all, NOTHING on this show is Juan Pablo’s. Not even the clothes. Second, those hopes were quickly dashed when he comes out wearing a track suit covered in glow sticks and tells her to put on some neon-colored work out clothes.

There’s no way this date is going to include romance when you both look like extras from a TRON movie.

The build up to the date reveal was simply fantastic. They jogged down a lighted sidewalk and you could just see the fake excitement on Kat’s face as they rounded the corner to what looked like the most un-raviest rave in the entire world.

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Kat participate in the Salt Lake City Electric Run.

Her fake excitement turned even fakier once she realized it wasn’t a party all. Silly Kat. This is Utah. They don’t know what raves are. No, this was the starting line for the Salt Lake City Electric Run and they were slated to kick off the festivities.

So yes, Kat…for your date you get to … EXERCISE.

It’s the much larger – and brighter – equivalent of asking a girl out and then taking her to poker night with 12 of your bros so she can watch you play Texas Hold ‘Em all night.

Kat was a good sport through the whole thing and played it off like she was having the time of her life. Plus, she fit right in since looking your best is a prerequisite to working out in Utah. Let’s just say if Kat lived in Provo she wouldn’t be the only one wearing perfume and makeup to her Zumba class.

The Utah crowd was overly pumped to watch The Bachelor dance on stage with a girl he would forget about in a couple weeks, but in the end Kat received a rose, so hopefully it was worth it.

I guess you could say they’re both “jogging?” if you were to compare their relationship in the same way Brooks and Desiree did from The Bachelorette.

Bachelor Juan Pablo gives kat a rose during their Electric Run date in Salt Lake City.

I still imagine how great would it have been for Juan Pablo to NOT give Kat a rose at the end of the date … … …in front of thousands of people… … …after making her run a 5K. That would be like when people propose at sporting events and get turned down times a thousand.

“For A Good Cause”

Sadly, not all the Bachelorettes had the opportunity to spend time with Juan Pablo, but in the end Sharleen, Desiree and Amy L. should thank their lucky stars. The group date was basically like hanging out at an animal shelter all day long, but with more cameras and nudity than normal.

The girls were forced got to do a photo shoot for two dog charities: Models and Mutts, who raise money for dog rescues, and Best Friends Animal Society, who seek to end the senseless killing of dogs. Needless to say, Kelly probably enjoyed this more than getting a rose from Juan Pablo.

The sexy photo shoot with dogs on the bachelor Juan Pablo group date.

Each photo shoot was themed, so some of the girls were costumed to look like their dog.

Christy’s outfit made her look like that mangy dog from the 80s movie, One Crazy Summer.

Christy in the bachelor juan pablo dog photo shoot.

…while Chelsie resembled 90s rapper Lady of Rage.

Chelsie looked like the Lady of Rage during the dog photo shoot on bachelor juan pablo.

If you combined Kat’s glow stick date with Kelly’s full dog costume she could have easily starred in the Busta Rhymes “Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See” video.

Kelly dresses up like a dog for the sexy photo shoot with Juan Pablo on the Bachelor.

Or, this…

michael-kelly-tweet

In some cases, no dog was needed since the photo was more “educational” in nature. Here, Victoria demonstrates the proper way to help someone who’s choking: straddle the victim and press vigorously on their chest.

Victoria and Chantel demonstrate the proper technique for the hymen maneuver during the dog photo shoot on the bachelor juan pablo.

HASHTAG language barrier.

Meanwhile, Juan Pablo helped Nikki prepare for her shoot.

“Nikki’s really taking care of her dog. She’s looking cute and she’s looking sexy too.”

We assume he meant Nikki.

There was no drama until Elise and Andi were shown their “costumes” by the evil, blue-bearded art director. And by “costumes” I mean a white cardboard sign that wouldn’t even cover their private parts. So yes, the first grade teacher and the lawyer were forced to pose nude… … …for dogs.

After a “trust me, you’ll be fine. It’s for a good cause” from the art director, Andi goes into full panic mode.

“Photo shoots and being naked are not in my comfort zone” – Andi

Because most women are perfectly fine with both those things. Instead of complaining, first grade teacher Elise offers to swap costumes with Lucy, who ironically was the most covered of any of the girls.

“I’m happy to take off my top, as always.” – Lucy

Andi eventually decided it was okay once she found out Juan Pablo would be naked too, which somehow makes her way worse than Lucy. Kelly drove the point home AGAIN that this was all “for a good cause.”

“If one of these dogs is adopted because of this shoot then it’s worth it.” – Kelly

You know what else are good causes? Stripping to pay your way through college and selling meth to pay for your cancer treatment. Besides, if everyone from that shoot were eligible for adoption, here’s how those numbers would shake out:

Would you adopt the dog, Bachelor juan pablo, lucy or ansi?

“Go Home, Victoria. You’re Drunk.”

I’m convinced that Juan Pablo is the worst rose giver outer in the history of The Bachelor. On the first night, he gave the first impression rose to Sharleen – a girl who didn’t even look like she wanted to be there and said “sure” when he handed it to her.

He follows that up with giving the group date rose to Kelly – a huge dog lover, so much that she listed it as her occupation – because it “took great courage for her to do that transformation.” Never mind that she would probably trade this entire stint on The Bachelor to actually become a real dog.

And COURAGE? What about the chicks who had to get naked? (Lucy doesn’t count). So basically, what about Andi?

But, do we really care about who got the rose? No, we don’t. This night was dedicated to Victoria being… … …Brazilian.

Bachelor Juan Pablo and Victoria talk with a dog.

Victoria stole the show after having a few too many cocktails at the rooftop pool party. And by a “few too many” I mean she probably drank every cocktail in the entire hotel and the entire world. During that time she dropped a few choice quotes:

“I just got here. I’m not hammered. This is how I am sober!”

“Just want me some Juan Pablo time all the time.”

“Kelly wants to put a bark collar on me because i’m too loud. I’m not loud, I’m just a b***h.”

“Juan Pablo is my boyfriend!!!!”

And my personal favorite:

“I’m going to straddle him every day because that’s what life is about…straddling people…and things.”

No seriously, that should be a Successory poster on everyone’s office wall.

Victoria straddling is what life's all about on the Bachelor juan pablo.

The girls didn’t seem to mind that Victoria was self-destructing.

“She’s digging her own grave. Makes me look better.” – Kelly.

No Kelly, Victoria makes EVERYONE look better to Juan Pablo, even your dog Molly.

After running around like an idiot for several minutes, Victoria retreated to a bathroom stall and cried. Renee risked contracting Hepatitis by crawling under the bathroom door to comfort her. “Everyone is so happy you’re here” said Renee, lying.

michael-tweet-victoria

Juan Pablo eventually tries to rescue her from the toilet, but the damage was already done. What a great memory they can tell their kids about their first date.

A drunk Victoria sits on the floor of a bathroom stall while Bachelor Juan Pablo talks to her.

If Brazil hosting the World Cup is anything like Victoria, then thank you, Brazil.

Farewell, Victoria. May you forever straddle things.

Here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:

Amy L

Amy L. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Local News Reporter
Hometown: Clermont, FL

I’m sure Amy L. has been kicking herself all week for choking on her introductions. She had this great plan to do a mock interview and show off her reporter skills while simultaneously getting Juan Pablo’s first impression of her. Yeah, that would have been good LAST WEEK as her intro gimmick, not one week later when Juan Pablo actually wants to talk to you. Can you imagine if Kacey from last season’s Bachelorette was still using his hashtag gimmick on week six? Desiree would’ve sent him home before the rose ceremony.

On an awkward scale of one to Micheal Cera’s short-lived moustache, Amy L. and her reporter/Oprah ways are a solid seven.

Grade: F


Chantel

Chantel is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Account Manager
Hometown: Miami, FL

Apparently the Bachelor’s aren’t required to keep the token black girls past the first week. (And in case that doesn’t make me sound bad enough, as I was watching the show my roommate walked in and said, “Isn’t that Condoleeza Rice?”)

Grade: F


Victoria

Victoria is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Legal Assistant
Hometown: Porto Alegre, Brazil

Victoria was able to accomplish a lot on her short time here on the show:

1) She gave me a new life motto that I hope to buy on a T-shirt one day, “That’s what life is about: straddling people and things.”

2) And she gave Juan Pablo a glimpse into the future of Ca-MEE-la’s teenage years.

Best of luck to you both.

Grade: F


These Bachelorettes get to say “hola” one more week:

Alli

Alli is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Nanny
Hometown: Orland Park, IL

Alli is skating through entirely on her good looks this week because I didn’t notice her, but I didn’t NOT notice her, so…you could say things are going pretty well for Alli.

I do remember her describing the rooftop pool at the hotel being “Like a dream. Well, except there are 12 other women along.”

Grade: B


Andi

Andi is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA

Andi is the type of girl who sends people to jail for a living, and she brought a one-piece with her on the Bachelor; she could never do a photo shoot in the nude!

Yeah that lasted about 5 minutes.

Andi talks to Bachelor Juan Pablo about being naked in the dog photo shoot.

Well now we know that Juan Pablo’s the guy to call if you ever need a woman to be talked out of her clothing. Oh and charity! Andi was doing it all for the dogs.

Grade: D


Cassandra

Cassandra is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI

Cassandra decided it was time to drop the “single mom bomb” on Juan Pablo. I really don’t get how some women get to come on the show dubbed “The Single Mom” and others are a “Former NBA Dancer with a secret.” Do the women get to choose? Do the producers? And either way, how is that ok? It’s either:

Cassandra: “Yes, I have a son. But please don’t mention that to anyone. I am going to decide when and if I want to tell my potential future husband about him.”

OR

Producers: “Cassandra, we get that you have a son. Love it. Cute as a button. Let’s not actually mention him at all on the first night… and possibly for the first few weeks. We kinda already have a single mom this season so let’s just play it by ear and we will let you know when it is a good moment to talk about the ‘love of your life’. Great, you’re a doll.”

Either way, I have a feeling there will be some hefty therapy bills in young Trey’s future.

Grade: B


Chelsie

Chelsie is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH

Juan Pablo may not seem to be digging on Chelsie too much yet, but I totally am. Any girl that can wear that a-fro-city of an outfit (ha, ha, you see what I did there?) and still smile through the date gets mad props from me. And seeing as she loves seeing Juan Pablo with other girls, I think that Chelsie is going to definitely enjoy her time on The Bachelor.

Grade: A


Christy

Christy is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Aurora, IL

When Juan Pablo called Christy as the last name on the rose ceremony my roommate asked, “Who’s she?” “She’s the one that wore that heinous white dress last week.” I replied.

Christy, I will drop it when you give me something better to work with.

Grade: C


Clare

Clare is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Hairstylist
Hometown: Sacramento, CA

Clare is “ah-mazing” and we are all having such “ah-blast” watching her and Juan Pablo fall in love. It is interesting to me that Clare wouldn’t be one to try online dating, yet going on a reality television show is right up her alley. Isn’t e-harmony basically like you’re own personal version of the Bachelor? Sure, there’s no mega-dates, but also there’s no one to watch you when you make out in the hot tub all night. 

Also, this may sound horrible, but I found it interesting that Clare was so touched that she could feel her father happily watching down on her date with Juan Pablo. If my dad were watching me get frisky in a hot tub with some guy I had only known a week he would be many things, but “proud” wouldn’t be one of them.

Grade: A


Danielle

Danielle is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL

I honestly didn’t even think Danielle was on the show anymore until the rose ceremony. Don’t straighten your hair right after the first episode. We can’t recognize you. It would be like Lucy suddenly deciding to wear a bra.

Danielle accepts a rose from Bachelor Juan Pablo.

Danielle didn’t get a date this week and I’m wondering if Juan Pablo is just going to try to wait her out. They do this every season where they make one contestant either go on no dates or all group dates for a few weeks, and then they finally cut them and say something like, “I just feel like I’m just starting to get to know you and I already have such strong connections with the pretti… er, I mean, with the other women. Friends?”

Grade: C


Elise

Ellise is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: First Grade Teacher
Hometown: Forty Fort, PA

Elise was also given a cardboard sign to wear on the group date and instead of throwing her moral compass to the wind decided to trade costumes with Lucy. I’m telling you, it is always handy to have a way super slutty friend around. Elise gets an “A” because even if she may or may not have been a soft core porn actress, at least she doesn’t do it on National TV when her students are watching.

Grade: A


Kat

Kat is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA

Let’s just imagine Kat’s date without the private jet and the Bachelor fan fare. She goes out with some dude who forces her into wearing a skimpy light up outfit so he can take her to a run, which is really like some giant rave without the ecstasy. When they get there, the music is so loud she can’t hear a thing her date is saying. There are a TON of people – mostly women – that are all trying to get next to her so they can grope Juan Pablo. The awkward dance with each other and this horde of strangers for what feels like DAYS all while neon lights are flashing everywhere and probably giving her a migraine.

WORST. DATE. EVER.

But, Kat smiled through the whole thing and earned herself a rose so more power to her. Plus, all the neon lights gave her a lot of opportunities to talk about the “spark” and the “electricity” she was feeling with Juan Pablo.

Grade: A


Kelly

Kelly is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA

Reasons why Kelly is awesome:

1) She is the first girl to have a dog in the mansion. I am confused as to why the producers allowed Molly to stick around because it just opens the door for future contestants to bring in whatever they want. What if one of the next Bachelors is Komodo Dragon Lover? I see potential issues there.

Also, for being such a “dog lover” Kelly doesn’t actually seem to spend that much time with Molly, but I’m a cat person so maybe I just don’t get it.

2) She is full of great one-liners. “It’s either taking pictures or eating cheese: and I’m great at both.” “They say I look like an alien, but I think it looks like a giraffe.”           “She’s digging her own grave…. makes me look better.”

3) She has permanent stoner eyes so everything she says is just a little bit funnier because you think she’s high. (Picture her eyes and then go back and read her one-liners, you’ll see what I mean.)

Grade: A


Lauren S.

Lauren S. is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Music Composer
Hometown: Detroit, MI

Lauren S. got a rose this week, and she wasn’t forced to push around a piano this week so things are looking up for her.

Grade: A


Lucy

Lucy is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Free Spirit
Hometown: Santa Barbara, CA

Lucy was right in her element what with all the sex, pooping, nudity and disorder that was going down at the Sexy Dog Photo Shoot. She was probably just sitting around laughing at all the other girls freaking out. “Come on you guys, this is just like any other Tuesday.”

Lucy may be a crazy, hippy nudist, but she is nice enough and the other girls even seem to mildly enjoy her company.

It’s interesting that she doesn’t even want a one on one date with Juan Pablo.

“I want the group date. I’m not going to go unnoticed.”

…says Lucy, topless in the hot tub.

Grade: R for Nudity


Nikki

Nikki is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO

Though Juan Pablo cannot pronounce “pediatric nurse”, he still seems pretty impressed with Nikki’s occupation and is glad that she took time from her [pantomime stethoscope here] to be on the show. It is a good thing Nikki is used to one-sided conversations, seeing as Juan Pablo’s language skills are probably shockingly equal to some of her patients. 

Grade: A


Renee

Renee is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Real estate agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA

Renee won some mad mom points for trying to smooth over things with Victoria AND Cassandra. However, the “mom” card is a tricky one to play. The women think that it’s best to be the most motherly in the house because Juan Pablo is looking for a mother for Camilla. WRONG! Juan Pablo is looking for a smoking hot wife to be Camilla’s stepmother. Those are two very different things.

So far Renee is awesome, and (aside from the whole ditching her kid for a reality dating show thing) seems like a pretty awesome mom. My guess is too awesome for Juan Pablo’s liking, but perhaps I am underestimating him. We shall see…

Grade: A


Sharleen

Sharleen is on the 18th Season of ABC's The Bachelor with Juan Pablo.

Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada

After receiving the first impression rose, Sharleen probably realized that she may not be super into this guy, but he seems super into her so she could totally have him if she wants him. I’m hoping she sticks around just to mess with Juan Pablo and cause copious amounts of drama for the other girls in the house. Long live Sharleen!

Grade: A+


Adios! See you next week!

Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:

Episode 1 – Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 – Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 – Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 – Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 – Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 – Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 – Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 – Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 – And Then There Was Juan

The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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11 thoughts on “Bachelor Breakdown – Juan Hot Mess”

  1. I laughed so hard I cried. It’s the little things… heinous white dress, “Come on guys, this is like any other Tuesday”, and Don’t straighten your hair the second week of the show. Can’t wait til next week!

Talk to me, loser.