Our Bachelorette JoJo is quickly discovering that sometimes you have to fight for love. And if you can’t fight for love…you can always at least mildly contest it.
In every good story, a villain will emerge. He’s handsome. He’s cool. And he usually has a sidekick who will do ANYTHING he asks.
He’s evil because he wants the same thing as the “good” guys, but he tries to accomplish it the wrong way. The good guys stick together and play the game by equal rules.
“May the best man win” is their motto, not “by any means possible.” They’re united in their love of the game…and the prize.
If they are forced to fight by the evil that surrounds them, then they must, but ONLY as a last resort.
However, when you’re on The Bachelorette, the rules are slightly different. The word “fight” is used in a different way:
On with the show!
This week we’ve got a fire show, a trip to the Bay, a visit with SportsNation, and A LOT of meat.
“Hose Before Bros”
Evan is hooked on phonics >> JoJo puts out her own fires >> Alex has performance anxiety >> Chad isn’t hooked on phonics >> Wells starts puberty >> Grant does the obvious >> Evan goes limp >> “Amazing” isn’t always what you think
Evan has obviously never received a romantic note in his life, because he actually pronounces the end of the date card as “Heart, JoJo” instead of “Love, JoJo.” At least she didn’t sign it with the universal symbol for “hugs and kisses.”
Despite having such an incredible hero story from his bio, Alex – or ANY of the other Bachelors – makes absolutely ZERO attempt to save JoJo from burning alive inside her limousine.
Alex, you specialize in saving people from burning cars! You gotta play to your strengths when you’re only five feet tall. Society isn’t going to help you.
Chad doesn’t alphabet very well.
He refers to the Bachelors leaving on the group date as JoJo’s “B-Team,” yet forgets that he’s stuck at the house with a bunch of dudes. If Derek got the one-on-one date I assume he’s the “A-Team,” and the guys who got no date are on the “D-Team.” That would make Chad on the “C-Team.”
“C’s get degrees, am I right, guys?” – Chad, probably
Also, this will not be his worst analogy from this episode.
The Fire Chief tells the Bachelors that JoJo wants to know “which one of them could protect her the best.” The answer should be “NONE” because they all just watched her limousine burn to the ground.
This first group date wasted no time in getting down to the heart of The Bachelorette: objectifying men and over-sexualizing their careers. In all fairness, firefighters make it way too easy with all their pole-sliding and making sexy calendars.
I think we can all be grateful that the producers chose Grant’s career and didn’t attempt to sexualize someone like Christian’s job. I’m no marketing expert, but I don’t think the “Sexy Men of Telecom Consulting” calendar would sell well.
JoJo describes this as her “Hottest Date Ever” since she gets to stare at the super-ripped guys dressed in firefighter gear all day.
Oh, and Wells was there too.
“I want to keep him!”- JoJo, probably
Wells looked exactly like a kindergartener dressed up in his dad’s firefighter gear for career day at school, which coincidentally may also be the last time that Wells ever worked out. After a run with the hose and a few swings of the firefighter axe, Wells looked he was going to die.
Even the tough old Fire Chief wanted to give him a hug and a juice box, but it did earn Wells something better: alone time with JoJo.
Wells is doing a magnificent job of playing to his weaknesses, which in this case is…weakness.
Evan seems unusually scared of the large hoses, which is surprising because he’s used to handling long, limp objects.
Grant was put in a no-win situation.
It’s not hard to understand why the contestants eventually HATE going on group dates and participating in these meaningless competitions – there’s not always a clear way to win them.
For example, Grant is a firefighter.
Grant has to take this challenge very seriously because if he loses then he doesn’t get time with the girl he’s trying to date AND everyone thinks he sucks at his job. If he wins, then everyone’s like “You’re a FIREFIGHTER. What do you want…a cookie?”
So, in the end, Grant proved to be the best “protector” of JoJo, yet doesn’t manage to earn the group date rose. This should not surprise anyone after what we learned last season on Kaitlyn’s Aladdin date: Just because you win the competition, it doesn’t really make you a “winner.”
Luke losing to Grant may have finally set off his PTSD because he suddenly turned into this emotional, brooding, X-men Wolverine-like state.
If Chad doesn’t kill everyone, then Luke is my second choice.
JoJo calls Wells’ gutty performance on the firefighter course “amazing,” but also says the same thing when Evan reveals he’s the father of multiple kids.
I suppose it’s all about voice inflection.
“Ride My Whip, Whip. Watch The Bay, Bay.”
Derek goes rollin’ in JoJo’s six-fo’ >> They both earn frequent flyer miles >> JoJo is very hands-on >> A Golden picnic >> Derek opens up
It never takes long for the producers to force the Bachelorette to do or say something “black” even though they are usually the whitest girls on the face of the earth. And while JoJo calling her borrowed convertible her “whip” was a little cringeworthy, it pales in comparison to Des and her abominable rap video she made with equally abominable hip-hop artist Soulja Boy.
While the “Choose Your Own Adventure” date was a nice new addition to the show, JoJo and Derek should have been given more options with various outcomes to make it more true to its genre. I don’t know about you, but in my “Choose Your Own Adventure” books there was only one path that lead you to a happy outcome, and the rest of the choices ended in horrible, gruesome deaths.
Then again, maybe JoJo and Derek are just extremely lucky or REALLY, REALLY good at making decisions. Perhaps the other choices did lead to something terrible and they never knew it. Maybe if they had chosen “sea” they would have gone swimming with sharks, but only one of them got to be in the protective cage.
Sorry, Derek, but your bright, piercing blue eyes are practically begging the sharks to tear you to shreds.
If they had chosen “South” over “North” maybe they end up in Mexico where they had to infiltrate a drug cartel.
Si Señor, they would be using REAL bullets.
I know, “South sign guy.” We all would have liked to see that.
It’s hard enough watching the Bachelorettes drive fancy cars on the date, but when you throw JoJo’s unponytailed hair into the mix it was just too distracting. She might as well be texting and driving.
“10 and 2” JoJo!!!
Every Bachelorette has an annoying quirk or nervous habit, and JoJo’s is her awkward hand holding techniques. She has no idea how to simply caress the top of a guy’s hand or interlock fingers like normal people do.
Instead, she’s playing some weird version of “Itsy Bitsy Spider” with Jordan, enjoying a round of “Patty Cake” with Christian, or in this case…trying to win a round of DOUBLE thumb war with Derek.
When you’re in San Francisco for the first time, the obvious choice for a romantic picnic is looking out across the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, but nothing would have prepared them better for marriage than a drive together down Lombard Street, the famously crooked road known for its 27-degree decline and eight hairpin turns.
JoJo is on a mission to find out about every guy’s past relationships, and since we know from her conversation with Daniel that she doesn’t know how to use the Internet, she does the next closest thing to Facebook-stalking: She just asks them.
JoJo acts like she can “relate” to Derek as he opens up about his ex fiancé. However, her “past” with Ben was played out on national TV in front of millions of people, while Derek’s breakup happened in private……errr……until now.
A tough spot for Derek. If you don’t open up to JoJo then you’re “distant and uninterested in her,” and if you do then you look like a loser on national TV.
“At Protein Gym, We’re Better Than You…And We Know It.”
Daniel and Chad create an unholy alliance >> The other guys create the world’s worst song >> Chad creates a new workout routine >>
Welcome to Camp Wannadateajojo – where Bachelors are free to (kind of) be themselves for an entire summer!
Meet Evan, the enthusiastic Camp Counselor. He’s always there to “lift” your spirits with a good practical joke. Don’t worry, though, he’s just giving you a “hard” time and likes to see if he can get a “rise” out of you.
Chad is our resident fitness and diet specialist. Imagine if the band Nickelback overdosed on steroids. Thattttt’s basically Chad.
Can’t have a successful campfire without a song from our music instructor James T. You also can’t have a conversation without a song from James T., so don’t ever talk to him.
So come to Camp Wannadateajojo! There may only be one girl at the whole camp, but the booze is free!
Just like at all great summer camps, some of the bros are forming friendships that will last a lifetime. But none are more precious than the bromance brewing between supervillians Daniel and Chad.
They connect over their love for black wife beaters (the shirts…annnnd maybe the people, too), protein shakes and degrading women (probably).
Chad is the more intense of the two, but Daniel provides the much needed comedic relief to ease the high levels of Chad’s douchbagery.
They’re basically Jafar and Iago from Aladdin.
Chad has no idea how to analogy.
“If you were making a protein shake made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would be, like, have zero chance.”
Yes, it’s hard rhyming things with the word “JoJo” but the guys really, actually, probably may have created the worst song in the entire world. And I even took “Achy Breaky Heart,” “Friday” and “The Thong Song” into consideration.
Even Chad tried to stop them, and he HATES those guys.
However, a small “Best” here for Wells who refused to sing or even dance to this atrocity. He just sat there in his beanie and probably wanted to kill himself.
This is why you rule.
“The Worldwide Leader in Dorks”
JoJo breaks down the NBA >> Jordan feels the burn >> Alex shoots down the competition >> Chad uses the N-word >> Jordan doesn’t count >> James T. dabbles in poetry >> Alex stands tall but sits short
“You haven’t seen JoJo your entire life, you can’t wait one more day?” – Chad
Chad insults the three guys who weren’t chosen for any of the dates, but only because he actually gets to go on one. He’s like that 9th grader who BARELY makes the freshman basketball team, and then calls the kids who got cut “losers.”
The guys were probably pretty stoked when they showed up to the set of ESPN’s SportsNation, but the first thing they see is Max and Marcellus asking JoJo is she thinks Steph Curry is the “greatest NBA player of all time.”
That’s like asking if she thinks Lance Bass was the best dancer in NSync. Yes, he technically did “dance” with the group, so he’s in the conversation, but no one in their right mind would ever say he was better than Timberlake.
This might have been one of the worst Bachelorette dates of all time. At least the television audience had background music and camera editing on their side, because I can’t imagine being a producer or cameraman and having to sit through those touchdown dances or awkward interviews. It was like watching a poorly planned and weirdly romantic elementary school field day.
I once had to go on a date where the activity was called “Extreme Croquet” where you had to choose a dare from a hat if your opponent hit their ball through a hoop. Keep in mind this was a FIRST date, and my first dare card asked me to “Tell me three things you like about me.”
It might as well have asked “How can we create peace in the Middle East?”
Point is, just because the rest of the guys were good at cheesing their way through a proposal on the first date doesn’t mean that they’re awesome. You know Chad has called some of his dates way worse things than ‘naggy’.
Good thing he played the “inherited a tiny puppy from my dead mom” card because now JoJo totally believes he’s just misunderstood.
However, Chad should have limits on his “real man” card if he’s walking a maltese yorkie puppy around town.
Jordan is worried about his chances in the “power rankings” because host Marcellus was a defensive guy and he was a quarterback.
What he really should have been worried about was the Astroturf he just slid on knee first, but if he actually ever got a chance to play quarterback he would have already known that.
Instead of using the rose as a horse to gallop around on, or spiking it like a football, Alex turns the rose into a sniper rifle and “playfully” guns down the other Bachelors.
Jordan was asked to list the “Best THREE qualities in your wife.”
“Uhhh, I’d say loyal, spontaneous, strong and independent.” – Jordan, forgetting numbers
I can only imagine Jordan in the huddle during a game. “Okay, guys Spider Y Banana Z on three!!!! Break!”
Snaps it on four.
Who said the words “naggy” and “proposal” don’t go together? That’s pretty much what a proposal is.
James T.’s kind-of, sort-of poem? It felt more just like a bunch of random thoughts he had scratched down on a cocktail napkin. It made JoJo cry, but I think she was just overcome with happiness that he didn’t sing another song.
To the producer who let Alex have his one on one time on the giant chair.
Or was it a normal sized chair???
“Pleased to Meat You”
Chad is a carnivore >> Alex came to fight >> Chase is cold >> Will doesn’t look good on paper >> Saturday morning cartoons, revisited
The guys spend the ENTIRE evening whining and talking about Chad, but spent little time enjoying the complimentary buffet.
Also, their list of grievances were really just observations:
- “Chad went outside.”
- “Chad talked to JoJo first.”
- “Chad’s tie matches JoJo’ dress.”
- “Chad’s eating a lot of meat.”
If anything, I would be a little upset at Chad’s meat selection. He seemed to waste most of his calories on processed turkey slices. I saw that spread they had – go for the steak and shrimp kabobs. This could be your last night here, bro.
Chad constantly cut in on the other guys’ alone time with JoJo, which led to a bunch of idle threats and then a slight confrontation with Alex. It was like watching a baseball fight between a manager and an umpire over a blown strike call.
Alex is extremely lucky he didn’t poke his finger in Chad’s chest or try and kick dirt on his shoes, or we would be reading a brand new edition of a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book:
But that’s probably next week.
It was totally overshadowed by the whole “Chad-Eating-Meat” situation, but Chase actually made it snow! Or as he calls it, “blizzarding.”
Someone allowed Will near paper products again, and he ends up trashing the entire Bachelor mansion with rolls of toilet paper. Seriously, they need child safety locks on the supply closet.
Chad compares his confrontation with the other Bachelors to fighting a group of Care Bears, but he’s obviously never met the ferociousness and never-say-die personalities of “Gay & Lesbian Alliance” Bear, “Transgender” Bear, “Forgot to Take My Meds” Bear, or my favorite…”NRA” Bear.
“Let’s Meat In The Middle”
Chad provides the color >> “S” goes down >> Alex is mislead
I wish Chad could narrate every rose ceremony.
“Who is that guy?”
“He’s too short.”
“The best thing about Jordan is his brother. The worst thing about Jordan is he’s not his brother.”
Then you could literally call this show “amazing.”
JoJo FINALLY resolved the “James problem.”
We’ve had not one, not two, but THREE James-es on the show. Normally, that would be a little weird, but manageable, but not when two of the James have similar sounding last initials. “F” and “S” ??? Think of how confusing that would have got down the road, particularly on a group date.
James S. didn’t seem that bothered. After all, he probably predicted himself to leave in the 2nd round, so now he wins this week’s Bachelorette Prediction Pool.
Alex believes that to get a rose means that you’re one of the best Bachelors in the country, you’re a good guy and you’re here for the right reasons.
Ummmm, not necessarily.
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 – JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 – “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 – Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 – Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 – Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 – “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 – There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 – Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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