It’s Week 4 for our Bachelor Juan Pablo, which can only mean one thing: they’re going somewhere foreign! And since Juan Pablo barely speaks English this can only mean another thing: those Koreans are going to have to talk REALLY loud and REALLY slow.
Over half the girls are gone, and by now Juan Pablo’s had a chance to become familiar with his remaining choices. Sure, the cameras can’t show everything about every girl – and there are a few we still know nothing about – but there’s not a girl who stands out as being the perfect match for Juan Pablo.
But is “perfect” what Juan Pablo is looking for?
Since he’ll be in Seoul this week, perhaps he should consult some ancient Korean wisdom:
I invite any of the remaining girls to step forward if they feel like they meet ALL THREE of these requirements.
Eaaaasy there, Kat. You can take a step back.
So what happened in South Korea?
Juan Pablo spends some time with Ca-MEE-la and can’t wait to talk to her on “the com-pewwwwter” when he’s out of the country. There’s a couple of reasons why this segment was completely awesome:
1) It seems like Camila knows less English than Juan Pablo. I see ten years into her future and would pay money to hear all the fantastic stepmother/daughter arguments in Spanglish she’s going to have.
2) I finally learned how to say “I have a wedgie” in Spanish. Thank you, sweet child.
The girls were all expecting to go SOMEWHERE cool since they’ve probably all watched earlier seasons of The Bachelor and know what the formula is – when Week 4 rolls around it’s pretty much a guarantee you’re leaving the country.
The problem was they all got WAAAAY too excited and acted like the announcement wasn’t expected. Eaaaaasy there, ladies…you’re going to South Korea for a few days, but don’t treat it like you’re on Oprah’s Favorite Things.
Oh, and they have one hour to pack, but if you’re a contestant on The Bachelor do you ever UN-pack? To me that would come off as overconfident.
Host Chris Harrison announces South Korea as the “land of K-Pop and Gangnam Style.” First of all, 2012 called and they want their pop culture dance back. Secondly, I hope they next visit New York and make a Harlem Shake video with the Brooklyn Nets, and then bring Miley Cyrus on to show them how to twerk.
Also, I’m sure most Koreans are proud that’s all Americans know about their country. Truth be told, Korea is actually one of the leading exporters of ginseng, kimchi and mushrooms, but dancing in crazy outfits while holding some vegetables doesn’t get TV ratings.
Wait…who am I kidding?! This is Asia. Dancing with vegetables would get HUGE ratings.
Clare sobs because she didn’t pack the right clothes, triggering a semi-racist comment in 4…3…2…1…
“Korea!? I don’t even have a kimono!” – Clare
That’s Japan, but at least she got the continent right.
Elise thinks that visiting a new culture will “bring her closer” to Juan Pablo. This makes me wish they would’ve gone to North Korea instead. That would’ve brought her closer to many, many things…but not to Juan Pablo. Nikki is all kinds of pissed that she has to go on another group date because she doesn’t “thrive” in that setting.
“I’m halfway around the world and have to spend the day with five other girls who are quite annoying.” – Nikki
“Good thing they’ll never see this,” thought Nikki.
The girls are super excited because they get to dance with the world’s worst band name acronym 2NE1 (pronounced “Twenty-one”), who happen to be the “best” K-Pop group in Korea.
Why are they the best? Because they clearly stand out from all the other K-Pop groups.
None of these pictures are of 2NE1, by the way.
For those of you who are not familiar with what K-Pop is, Juan Pablo explains:
“K-Pop is Korean Pop. It’s like electro pop music with like Gangnum Style. It is taking over America. 2NE1 are as big as the Spice Girls back in the day.” – Juan Pablo
So basically K-Pop can be anything you want as long as it involves at least a few hot Korean girls. Based on this logic, my favorite nail salon is probably K-Pop.
Surprisingly, Nikki is very outspoken about how much she HATES dancing, particularly since that’s one of the qualities Juan Pablo looks for in a woman. 2NE1 wants the girls to show them their moves. Kat immediately jumps right in with her stripper dance, while Nikki wants show she’s a team player and not throw a giant fit, even though that’s what she’s been doing the whole time anyway.
“I am totally crushing this. I am the best.” – Kat
Kat thinks she has the rose in the bag just because she’s a dancer. Eaaaasy Kat. Juan Pablo got kicked off during the soccer episode on The Bachelorette so don’t be too confident. I’m going to bet that Kat was probably the first girl in the house to unpack her bags.
After some choreography lessons, 2NE1 takes the girls to a gigantic five-story mall, where they surprise them with a chance to perform with the group LIVE on stage. If 2NE1 is as popular as the girls say they are, then I’m expecting everyone to get mobbed before they even get to the food court.
“I hope we’re performing for the South Korean School for the Blind.” – Nikki
Well, judging by the thickness of this super fan’s glasses I think they got pretty close.
Plus, even the School for the Blind would be able to tell that Cassandra is a horrible dancer.
Well, the girls and 2NE1 didn’t get swarmed by fans, so Luke Perry and Jason Priestley from the original Beverly Hills 90210 can relax. Their record for most insane mall mobbing is still intact.
During their performance, Kat continued to be her ridiculous self and even went off the choreography, which pissed off the other girls. Hey Kat, it may have worked for Anna Kendrick in Pitch Perfect, but when you’re representing the biggest K-Pop group in Korea you best not bring shame to them. Koreans do crazy things when they’re shamed.
“I’m on stage and I turn into a star. They’re watching me, taking pictures. The fans are excited even though they don’t know who we are.” – Kat
This is also the same thing a stripper would say.
Other than the soccer game, this was probably Juan Pablo’s favorite group date. He even wore his combination skinny jean/Hammer pants to prove it. Juan Pablo LOVES girls who dance for him.
Unsurprisingly, Kat was the first to pull Juan Pablo away for some one on one time after the concert. She’s very concerned that Juan Pablo only sees her as the girl with awesome dance moves who’s really, really, really, really fun. She wasted no time in dropping the “my dad was an alcoholic” card. Her father had a whopping SEVEN DUIs and never received any treatment. Holy crap – SEVEN!? So basically her dad is Lindsay Lohan.
Kat talks about the courage of her mom using the most obvious analogy in the world.
“My mom made lemonade out of lemons.” – Kat
By this point in the evening everyone pretty much hates Nikki because she’s such a negative person. Elise even calls her an “unfit mother” and says she would never allow Nikki around her children. Yes, this is coming from the same girl who hooked up with The Situation from Jersey Shore and also starred in a movie titled “Yule Log Hotties.”
Nikki disagrees. She wants to meet Camila and thinks she can take the responsibility of being a mother head on.
And I think we know where this is all heading. If you’re trying to figure out who got the rose, just use the simple “if A and B, then C” argument:
A) If Person A (Nikki) was the worst person on the date.
B) And Person B (Juan Pablo) always gives the roses to the worst person.
C) Then Nikki received the group date rose.
And suddenly Nikki LOVES dancing.
“I think everybody hates me right now, but at least I’ve been myself.” – Nikki
Yes Nikki, but unfortunately “yourself” is kind of a terrible person.
The clue to Sharleen’s date card was “Are you my Seoul mate?” and of course everyone has to play Sherlock Holmes and try and figure out what it could mean. If Cassandra were there she’d probably be like “Ohhhh cool, are they going to make you guys into black people?” [giggling]
Sharleen is less enthusiastic and states the obvious:
“I hope it means we explore Seoul together.” – Sharleen
Sharleen is nervous she’ll get sent home because she still isn’t sold on Juan Pablo, but for some odd reason she’s one of his favorites. I mean, they’ve made out a few times already and talked a lot, so maybe this date will push their relationship to the point where she actually smiles. Regardless, Sharleen is a classy chick, and makes every effort to appear as Asian as possible.
They start out their date at a Korean market, which – according to Juan Pablo – is a “mice” (maze) of shops and food carts that are “praaay-tee good.” Sharleen eats something gross and then washes it down with something even grosser.
This also reminds me that we haven’t seen Kelly’s dog, Molly at all during this episode. So either Molly didn’t make the trip to Korea, or she’s hanging up for sale at one of these meat vendors. Then I grow very concerned that Sharleen just ate a part of Molly. Those sexy dog photo shoot people are going to be so pissed.
Sharleen’s love of opera started when she was very young when she used to harmonize to Disney songs in the car. This led to her earning a Masters degree in Voice Performance. Juan Pablo wishes he could have earned a degree in soccer, because he really loved recess as a child.
Determined to hear Sharleen sing, Juan Pablo takes her to a private courtyard and coaxes her into rattling off a few bars. Sharleen acts like he’s asking her to move in with him.
“I never sing for a guy this early. I don’t want the early stages of any relationship to have anything to do with that I’m an opera singer.” – Sharleen
Juan Pablo even offers to close his eyes and she finally gives in. And while her voice is, yes…amazing, I couldn’t get over the fact that she warms up her vocal chords just like Sharpay in High School Musical.
This leads to yet another awkward make-out session. I don’t know what it is, but their cadence is completely off and they look like two guppies fighting for the same piece of fish food. At this point I wish she would just pick up one of those creepy Asian anime body pillows so she can practice kissing Juan Pablo before the cameras are rolling.
Juan Pablo can’t believe how much they have in common. For example, when Sharleen moved to Germany she was frustrated because no one there spoke English. Juan Pablo left Venezuela to study English in the United States.
Ok, so bad example. They don’t even have English in common.
Another thing they have in common is their love of children.
“How many kids do you want?” – Juan Pablo
“Me?” – Sharleen
So despite her avoiding the question, stating how career focused she was, and even relating a story about how she backed out of a relationship with a guy who had a four year old daughter, Juan Pablo still presents her with a rose.
“If she’s taking the time from her career to do this, then she’s serious.” – Juan Pablo
This can’t end well.
For the second group date, Juan Pablo thought it would be a good idea to just wander the streets of Korea and do a bunch of really, really crazy “Korean” things. You know…things you can’t do in America like sing karaoke, drink lemonade, take pictures in a photo booth, and ride some paddle boats. The most foreign thing they did was the fish pedicure, which was probably a nice change of pace from a normal pedicure. Fish aren’t going to gossip about you in another language.
Clare hasn’t had proper attention for five minutes, so she goes super drama bomb when forced to eat a tiny piece of octopus. Kelly zings Clare with the zingiest of zings:
“Clare is the most dramatic person I’ve ever met. Her piece was tiny, and I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that.” – Kelly
Yeah, and remember Clare’s octopus face later because it’s the same one Juan Pablo SHOULD have made before deciding to kiss her.
And speaking of kissing, that was all the girls could talk about later that evening. While some were at peace with being in the friend zone with Juan Pablo, there were others who couldn’t bear another moment without tasting his sweet, sweet lips.
Ironically, Juan Pablo chose this night to unveil his new kissing policy, which is basically this:
1) Juan Pablo is not here to kiss a lot of girls, just most of them.
2) Juan Pablo does not want Camila to see him kiss a lot of girls, even though she doesn’t watch the show.
3) If you have already kissed Juan Pablo, then the rules don’t apply.
4) If you have NOT kissed Juan Pablo, then your only chance is on a one on one date.
5) If you have a child, Juan Pablo will not kiss you.
6) If you’ve thrown up from eating disgusting food, then yes ABSOLUTELY he will kiss you.
Renee is the first to try, and while I admire her George Michael/Maeby Arrested Development approach, Juan Pablo did have a point – absolutely no one wants to see their mom make out with some dude on TV.
Oh, but don’t worry Renee – he’s not stringing you along at all. He promised.
Lauren S. deserved a kiss simply for the fact that she asked him in Spanish. But hey, Alli didn’t get one either and she plays soccer. At this point it’s clear that Juan Pablo DOES NOT play favorites. HASHTAG sarcasm.
No one should be surprised that Clare was the only one to receive a kiss. Not only does she meet items #3 and #6 of his kissing bylaws, but she’s also “irresistibly sexy” according to Juan Pablo. However, I don’t think he was completely sold on the octopus barf breath so he slipped Clare a piece of chocolate before they noshed on each other. Everyone knows that in certain situations chocolate can be used as a kiss condom. Good call, bro.
The most rewarding moment of the evening came when Juan Pablo passed Clare over and gave the rose to Andi instead. Clare acted like she was Meryl Streep and just lost the Best Actress Oscar to Kristen Stewart.
This episode also proved to be the starting point to what could be one of the greatest rivalries in Bachelor history: Nikki vs. Clare. Both are dead set on claiming Juan Pablo as their own, neither has a problem infringing on other people’s time, and both are highly competitive.
Thankfully we have Kelly to ease the tension.
I can’t wait for Vietnam.
Here are the Bachelorettes we said “adiós” to:
Occupation: First Grade Teacher
Hometown: Forty Fort, PA
I’m just going to say it: Elise is a liar.
Up to this point, Elise’s hook was that her dead mother’s last wish was for her to be on The Bachelor. Supposedly she wrote some letter before she died that Elise “found” one day. Even if this story were true, I find it disturbing that someone’s mother would want their daughter to share a boyfriend with 25 other women and broadcast it on national TV.
Once she got booted, her story suddenly changed:
“My mom didn’t want me to be around such ugly people. Not outside, but in.” – Elise, lying
So what happened to the dream you had where there were like angels and rainbows in the sky and your mom spoke from heaven about you winning The Bachelor? There’s nothing worse than hearing someone’s made up dream.
I also doubt that she’s actually a school teacher. Or if she is, she loves to make terrible decisions, like work at night clubs in L.A. and be a booty call for a guy who’s only claim to fame is going tanning and showing his six-pack every five minutes.
I’m sure she has a story about how she also has an evil twin.
It’s also hard to believe that a town called “Forty Fort, Pennsylvania” actually exists. Forty Fort? I wonder what street her “Housey House” is on? Is it on “Streetey Street?”
Grade: F for “fake”
Occupation: Music Composer
Hometown: Detroit, MI
I can’t imagine anything worse than going in for a kiss and getting completely shut down, unless that guy was also a guy who was notorious for kissing EVERYBODY. And it was on television for all of America to see. Yes, Lauren S. just lived a worst case scenario and because I have such deep pity for her I will let her leave in peace.
These Bachelorettes get to stick around for “Juan” more week:
Hometown: Orland Park, IL
Alli must be REALLY good at soccer, because she hasn’t even kissed or dated Juan Pablo yet, and we still know nothing about her.
Occupation: Assistant District Attorney
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Andi did well for herself this week. She may not be a singer, but at least she appeared to be more easy-going than Nikki McPoorSport. Juan Pablo said that he likes Andi because she gets his jokes. He said that lots of times when he’s joking around people misunderstand him and think he’s just being mean. What kind of floosies does Juan Pablo surround himself with that they don’t understand your basic sarcasm?
Juan Pablo also said that Andi is just perfect, and when he sees her he just wants to kiss her, but since he told himself he wouldn’t kiss anyone on this date he just pinches her nose instead. Bummer, a noogie would have meant that he like liked her.
Occupation: Former NBA Dancer
Hometown: Shelby Township, MI
There are so many things to dislike about Cassandra. When the date card says “POP!” Cassandra assumes that they will be making popcorn. Yes, Cassandra, you flew all the way to Seoul so that you could make the ancient Korean cuisine that is popcorn.
I thought this K-Pop date would finally be her chance to back-up those “Former NBA Dancer” claims she’s got going on. I was not disappointed – mostly because I hate Cassandra – and I was so pleased that she is as untalented as I knew she was. Apparently the NBA uses the term “dancer” very lightly. I’m guessing they mostly mean “boobs in sequins” and by that definition she’s a perennial All-Star.
Occupation: Science Educator
Hometown: Lexington, OH
Not much from Chelsie this week, but she did reveal that her dream was to be a back-up dancer to Britney Spears. Knowing Chelsie I assume she meant pre-shaved head Britney.
Hometown: Sacramento, CA
Clare is shaping up to be one of the fiercest competitors on the show, and the promos for next week make it look like she either purposely made Juan Pablo get her pregnant or she murdered Nikki. Hey, it’s Vietnam so anything can happen.
Occupation: Psychiatric Nurse
Hometown: Litchfield, IL
Well, Danielle isn’t even a good dancer so there’s no explanation as to why she’s still on the show. That bear she gave Camila on the first night must be pretty special. It probably sings or wets its pants, or something.
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Iowa City, IA
“I’m the best…at everything.” said Kat.
She probably has a set of spare roses in case Juan Pablo ever forgets to give her one.
Occupation: Dog Lover
Hometown: Conyers, GA
Kelly continues to be fantastic because she’s not afraid to say what everyone at home is already thinking. She’s like the Dowager Countess of Grantham on Downton Abbey, but hotter.
Occupation: Pediatric nurse
Hometown: Kearney, MO
This pretty much sums up Nikki:
“I would love to go on a date with NO other people. I don’t have sisters at home and I don’t have to share things like my boyfriend.” – Nikki
Oh, I hope her and Clare destroy each other.
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
Hometown: Martha’s Vineyard, MA
Renee might be the most deserving person on The Bachelor, but she has got nowhere with Juan Pablo. There’s no way Juan Pablo is interested in raising her son. This show is all about Ca-MEEE-la and no one else. Leave now while you can.
Occupation: Opera singer
Hometown: Ottawa, Canada
I’m convinced Ashton Kutcher started Punk’d back up again and Sharleen is his main actor.
Andi and Kelly recreate the octopus scene:
Adios! See you next week!
Need more Bachelor Breakdown? You’ll Juan-t to read these:
Episode 1 – Juan Chance To Make A First Impression
Episode 2 – Juan Hot Mess
Episode 3 – Juan Small Leap For Man
Episode 4 – Me Love You Juan Time
Episode 5 – Good Morning Viet-Juan
Episode 6 – Juan Rose To Rule Them All
Episode 7 – Not The Juan For Me
Episode 8 – Just Hold Juan, We’re Going Home
Episode 9 – I Juant You To Juant Me
Episode 10 – And Then There Was Juan
The Bachelor airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
If you want a rose from Special K, then check out Hello, Loser on Facebook
10 thoughts on “Bachelor Breakdown – Me Love You Juan Time”
This was the best one yet and that’s saying something!! I’m still wiping my laugh tears away!