Desiree and the Bachelors compete in the Mr. America pageant on the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – Atlantic City, Baby!

After 26 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, ABC is starting to run out of super date ideas, which can only explain why they chose to visit the Hurricane Sandy-ravaged and freezing cold shores of Atlantic City. But when you have 13 guys with perfect abs, where else can you go but the Jersey Shore? GTL, baby!

But don’t worry Jersey Shore fans, you’ll still get to get see your share of muscular, orange-colored jabronis because the Bachelors had plenty of opportunities to take their shirts off. PLENTY.

So what happened when Desiree and her Bachelors take Atlantic City by storm on episode four of The Bachelorette?

Let’s find out:

“Just follow your nose. Oh, and your heart too.”

Brad and Desiree spend a romantic day on the beach and boardwalk dressed like Eskimos. After enjoying some delicious salt water taffy at a local candy shop, Des just happened to catch a whiff of chocolate and so she led them both on a quest for the source because, SPONTANEOUS!

Brad and Desiree feed each other chocolate on their date on the Bachelorette.

They manage to maneuver their way through some candy factory and start pulling the chocolate right off the assembly line like they just won a Golden Ticket. Plus, neither of them have apparently seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Don’t they know what happened to Augustus Gloop or any of the other stupid children in that movie?

This also pretty much sums up the ending to Brad’s run on The Bachelorette.

“There He Is…Mr. America?”

The other Bachelors competed in a “Mr. America” pageant because Desiree is looking for a husband that can walk around in heels and get along well with gay pageant coaches.

The Bachelors train for the Mr. America pageant with a gay coach on the Bachelorette.

“James, meet Sandy. Sandy, James.”

James and Desiree enjoy go on a helicopter ride to view the devastation left from Hurricane Sandy, which is probably the equivalent of going on a date to the Holocaust museum. Yes, this experience will be sobering and life-changing, but it’s pretty messed up if that leads to a romantic night. It’s probably the same reason you’re not popping in Schindler’s List when you invite your girlfriend over to “watch a movie.”

James had to try super hard the entire time to actually care about the hurricane destruction when all the man wanted to do was mack down on Desiree.

James and Desiree take a helicopter ride to see the hurrican sandy destruction on the BAchelorette.

To make matters worse, they “choose” to give up their extravagant dinner to Manny and Jan – an older couple who’s home was completely dominated by the hurricane. This led to WAAAAAAY too much coverage of “old people on a date,” but fortunately I think their segment adequately discouraged ABC from ever even considering The Bachelor: Grandparent Edition.

And now, let us give a big FUGETABOUTIT to the Bachelors who left us:


Brad on the Bachelorette.

Grade: F

Brad got a one-on-one date with Desiree this week, and unfortunately she just couldn’t see forever with him. That’s funny, because their date felt like FOREVER to me.

Brad proved he had the conversation skills of a small child, which leads me to believe that he really fits the stereotype of a “boring accountant,” or it’s Freaky Friday and he switched bodies with his son Maddox. This means that somewhere in Denver, Maddox is filing some 1090 forms before he has to rush out and DJ a bar mitzvah.

Brad and Desiree share a one on one date on the Bachelorette with a sand castle bench.

This also explains why Brad genuinely had the time of his life riding the roller coaster, stuffing his face at the candy factory, and sitting with Desiree on the sand castle throne. I’m surprised she didn’t have to cut his meat at dinner.

And speaking of dinner, let’s just say it included a lot of water drinking. A LOT.

Brad and Desiree have an awkward date on the Bachelorette.

Brad managed to mumble a little, and probably told Desiree she was “amazing” about a hundred times. Yes, Desiree is so “amazing” that she made you walk up like a million steps to the top of a lighthouse…so she could break up with you.


Zack on the Bachelorette.

Grade: F

Do you prefer to be the center of attention or more mysterious? Zack answers:

“Definitely mysterious. I don’t like to be too predictable.”

Congratulations Zack, you are a complete mystery to us. Seriously, this isn’t hide and go seek, bro. I will send $1,000,000 dollars to anyone who can name what his talent was for the Mr. America pageant.


Kasey on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

We have a new #MrAmerica! Kasey has exactly what it takes to be a contender in most beauty pageants. He’s decent looking, he has a natural charisma, and he has just enough talent that people feel entertained but not threatened.

Kasey wins Mr. America on the BAchelorette Breakdown with desiree.

I also loved the segment that showed him lounging around in his crown and sash at the mansion just like a true Miss America would.


Brooks on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

If Brooks had been in a real pageant he would have found himself voted Miss Congeniality because he’s the talentless, mildly skanky contestant who doesn’t stand a chance AKA a pageant girl’s best frenemy. Brooks decided to play a ukulele and smashes it at the end of the song because, ROCK N’ ROLL.

“Yeah, not many people can say they’ve done that.” – Brooks

That Brooks, he’s so hard core right now, but the joke will be on him when ABC makes him pay for that ukulele later. Talents I would have liked to see Brooks do instead include:

1. Cutting his hair
2. Trimming his hair
3. Washing his hair

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

Turns out that Juan Pablo is the one with a secret daughter, and that’s really not a big deal because he’s Juan Pablo and anything goes when you’re from Venezuela, apparently. He does whatever the freak he wants. I cannot believe that ABC edited out his talent portion because I have a feeling he lit those batons on FIRE! That’s just how Juan Pablo rolls.

However, he did struggle with the interview part because, ¡NO ENGLAIS!

Juan Pablo practices his interview skills for the Mr. america pageant on the bachelorette.


Chris on the Bachelorette.

Grade: B

When choosing from the plethora of talent objects provided, Chris seemed genuinely shocked that no one had selected the heels. Yeah that’s a good idea, Chris, I hear most chicks are super into cross dressers.

Chris performs a hoola hoop routine in women's heels for Desiree on the Bachelorette.

To prove that he can be serious as well, Chris reads some poetry that he wrote himself. Does the Bachelorette seek out attractive men that are super expressive about their feelings? Or is there something about this show that turns them into these raging Men/Women? Either way, it turns out Desiree is also a weirdo who hangs out at poetry slams so snaps for Chris.

Zak with a K

Zak on the Bachelorette.

Grade: B

Zak with a K was dismayed this week when Desiree and Brad “flaunted” their boardwalk date right in front of the rest of the guys. And by flaunted I mean they had a normal date and he creepily watched them from 44 floors up. Brad and Desiree even had the nerve to ride the carousel together in front of the other Bachelors.

“Things always happen on a carousel.” – Zak with a K

Uh, actually NOTHING happens on a carousel. You sit there for 5 hours while they load and unload people onto the carriages. It’s one of the most horrible rides at any amusement park.

Zak with a K serenades Desiree with a guitar song on Mr. america and the Bachelorette Breakdown.

Zak with a K claims he is not really a guitar player or a singer, yet he wrote a song for Desiree. A lengthy song. Guys, I hope you were taking notes because Desiree’s face says it all: It does not matter if you are talented or not, girls do not like to be serenaded. It makes them feel weird. Stop thinking it is romantic.

Picture how you feel when Christmas carolers come to your door. That’s how girls feel when they’re serenaded.


Drew on the Bachelorette.

Grade: C

I originally awarded Drew with a “B” because he had a surprisingly hot bod when it came time for the swimsuit competition. Unfortunately for Drew, he couldn’t resist starting a creepy conversation with Desiree that involved both of them closing their eyes and him starting it off with “Do you trust me?” which is probably what most people would say to someone before they kidnapped them in their van.

Seriously, the “heartwarming sob story that eventually leads to a make-out sesh with Desiree” thing has to stop.


Ben on the Bachelorette.

Grade: C

I just don’t know what to do with this guy anymore. Everyone hates him and nobody knows why. Ben will you please be more blatantly douchey so I can hate you along with everyone else?

However, I did appreciate his tribute to Will Ferrell’s ribbon dance in Old School:

Will Ferrell Ribbon Dance


Mikey on the Bachelorette.

Grade: C

Hey Mikey, what’s the best way to prove your sensitive and not just another douchey guy with muscles?

Answer: Flex your man boobs and do upside down push ups in a Michael Jackson-esque stripper dance.

Mikey on the Bachelorette is tied of being treated like a piece of meat.

And raise your hand if you were surprised that this was Mikey’s first time to the Jersey Shore. There shouldn’t be ANY hands up.

Michael G.

Michael G. on the Bachelorette.

Grade: C

“I’ve always dreamed of becoming Mr. America. Without an audience, this would be a waste of my time.”

Either Michael G. has a hilariously sarcastic sense of humor that the editors have been hiding from us up until this point, or Mikey really is more his type if you know what I mean.


Bryden on the Bachelorette.

Grade: D

His talent proved why male strippers can dress up like men from the Navy or Policemen but never soldiers from the Army. There is something so wrong about seeing a hero of this great nation thrust his junk at Miss America, the mayor of Atlantic city, and the girl he may or may not want to marry.

Bryden performs a strip tease dance for Desiree on the Mr. America pageant for the Bachelorette Breakdown.

Some things just can’t be unseen.


James on the Bachelorette.

Grade: D

Sure, it’s not James’ fault that he got the lamest super date in Bachelorette history, and yet somehow it feels right to hold him responsible.

Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!

Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:

Episode 1 – Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 – All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 – Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 – Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 – Munich
Episode 6 – James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 – Fantasy Island
Episode 8 – Hometown Dates
Episode 9 – Men Tell All
Episode 10 – He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 – The Final Rose

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.

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