What do you get when you take two guys, one girl, and put them in a hot tug? Well, maybe that came out wrong, but the answer is a lot of drama. This week the Bachelorette travels all the way to Munich, Germany who’s motto is “München mag dich,” which disappointingly translates to “Munich likes you.” So much for being the most romantic city in Europe.
“A Farewell to Arms”
Chris received the one-on-one date with Desiree where they got to experience everything a normal German person would if they were to go out: wear lederhosen, go dancing in public, drink tons of beer, and get into a fight.
It really wasn’t that much different than what Clark Griswold did in European Vacation:
Meanwhile, back at Bachelor headquarters, Bryden is experiencing his own personal Vietnam as being on the show and his failing relationship with Desiree takes its toll. Either that, or he actually realized what a terrible decision he’s made to be on the Bachelorette. He spends all afternoon looking for them during their date, only to tell Desiree that she can’t fire him, because “I QUIT!”
I was just glad because he stopped Chris and Desiree from making the worst decision of their lives – to keep dancing in public.
So thank you, Bryden, you’re a hero to us all.
“I Will Climb the Highest Mountain”
The rest of the Bachelors went on the group date every 8-year old boy dreams of: sledding and snowball fights.
They also had some chill time (pardon the pun) in an ice hotel similar to the one in James Bond’s Die Another Day, but without the creepy Korean dude with the diamonds in his face.
But hey, who are we kidding, Desiree probably would have made out with him too.
We all knew that the two-on-one date with Michael, Ben and Desiree wouldn’t be pretty because as my mother used to say, “nothing good ever happens on a hot tug.” Which is surprising, because I thought anything you could buy from a Skymall magazine would only make your life happier.
Michael basically spends the entire date taking snotty girl shots at Ben in his best snotty girl voice, and honestly came across as a gigantic jackhole. However, since Ben is a Super-Christian he refused to give into Michael’s comments when most of us would’ve given him the beat down of his life.
However, in the end he does expose Ben for the horrible human being that he is: a small business owner who wants to become a little bit famous.
Yeah, you could have basically inserted any of the Bachelor contestants who’ve ever been on this show in Ben’s place and had the same results.
And now, we say “Auf Wiedersehen” to the Bachelors who left us:
Apparently someone forgot to remind Bryden that infringing on someone’s time with Desiree is only reserved for group dates and the cocktail parties, but try telling that to an Iraq War Veteran on a mission to break up with her.
Bryden became the Kanye of Bachelorette contestants by interrupting Chris’s date just to tell her he was leaving her. “Yo Chris, I’m really happy for you…Imma let you finish, but I just gotta say Desiree you are not the greatest chick of all time!” To which Desiree replied in her half-sincere, half-snotty girl voice “Ohhh, so are you leaving right now then?”
I may be branded as a terrorist for saying this, but Bryden the Iraq War Veteran, you are kind of douchey here, bro. However, hats off to you for milking ABC for a free trip to Munich.
We finally learn why Ben is such a horrible, awful person during his two-on-one date with Desiree: He didn’t go to church on Easter.
DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY TO HELL, BEN!
However, despite Michael’s interrogation, Ben’s exit in the limo gave us exactly what we were waiting for, SO many reasons to hate him.
“You guys aren’t going to have anyone left to be the Bachelor. You missed out on the single dad from Texas. How long do I have to wait to be seen with someone in public because I don’t want to wait. Let’s go have some fun.”
Congratulations, Desiree. Bullet dodged.
While Mikey never did anything particularly wrong, he still never did anything right. It had to have hurt a little bit to know that she didn’t want to waste her time talking to him at a cocktail party – she was that done with him. Don’t worry though, Mikey still has his protein powder to keep him warm at night.
And now for the Bachelors who survived Munich:
When will ABC finally give America what they really want – a whole show of Juan Pablo trying to pronounce things. Guaranteed it would be 10 times more interesting than watching the rest of these dudes talking about their feelings.
And don’t be surprised if Juan Pablo makes it to at least the final four. There’s just always going to be some Bachelor who is a worse person than him every week.
Answer me this: if you are out on a date with a beautiful girl having a wonderful time, what makes you want to say, “I don’t think anything could go wrong.” There is PLENTY that could go wrong.
- You could get food poisoning from the questionable sausage you ate earlier and throw up all over your date.
- A drunken German could get behind the wheel and run over you.
- You could die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
- One of your friends who is also dating your girlfriend could come interrupt your time with her just to break up with her and possibly crush her heart.
Don’t put that challenge out there, boys. The universe has a sick sense of humor.
That being said, Chris handled his date, interruptions and all, like a champ and somehow Des still seems to be super into poetry (#whyyyy). I’d say at this point Chris is definitely a front runner.
Zak with a K
This week we found out that Zak with a K was on track to become a priest, until he realized he was blessed with a different kind of “gift of tongues” if you know what I mean. While I am still not sure why this deeply sensitive shirtless ball of contradictions is still around, I was happy to see him interrupt Mikey’s time with Desiree.
Brooks proved that his flirting techniques have not advanced passed that of a middle-school crush by smashing a snowball right in Desiree’s face. Whitewashing, the perfect recipe for love.
When I see Brooks and Desiree’s one-on-one time, I can’t help but flashback to Emily and Arie’s eerily similar relationship. She gushes about how easy it is to talk to him, but when they sit down to have a conversation she could not be less interested in what he’s saying and just wants to make out. Also, they both clearly need to work on their transition from talking to kissing.
Be careful Brooks, in the end it didn’t work out so well for Arie.
Now that Ben is gone, it looks like James is the new person everyone hates. Drew is absolutely abhorred when he finds out there won’t be a cocktail party for him to expose James’ fraud.
And this only leads to one conclusion for the rest of us – that Drew will probably murder James next week. No, like literal murder.
Unfortunately, Kasey and Drew are in the exact same boat this week: Neither of them did much to prove themselves on this episode, but they both have plans to expose James for not being there for the “right reasons.” Since all the guys in the house have made it clear that they are all fans of the show, I am shocked by their decision. Have they learned nothing?! Snitches get cut! I do not see next week going well for the two of you. Enjoy the mansion while you can.
If I had to describe Michael G. in five words or less they would be: Worst. Human. Being. Ever. Ok, yes Ben is a fraud and you need to expose him for the dirtbag he really is. But do you really think that being a dirtbag in the process is going to help your game at all?
Turns out James is here to further his career and hopefully land himself the role of the next Bachelor. How could he create that horrible rap video and not even learn his lesson?! If you’re there for the wrong reasons, never admit to it! Lie through your teeth. That mistake is gonna cost you James. I’m so excited to see you cry next week.
James also gets the award for gayest GIF of the week with his face massage on Mikey.
Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!
Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 - Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 - All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 - Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 - Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 - Munich
Episode 6 - James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 - Fantasy Island
Episode 8 - Hometown Dates
Episode 9 - Men Tell All
Episode 10 - He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 - The Final Rose
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.
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