When we last saw Desiree Hartsock, she was pleading with Bachelor Sean Lowe after he shockingly let her go without a rose. Now it’s her turn to give out the roses as she starts her journey as ABC’s newest Bachelorette. In episode one, Desiree meets the Bachelors who will try to win her broken heart, and from the looks of it I’m 100% sure they will all suck at it.
Yes, it’s like that old saying goes: “Always the bridal stylist and never the bride.”
In all fairness, Desiree seems like a strong person despite what she had to endure on national television. There’s definitely a reason that “Eat, Pray, Love” is her favorite book. It’s not only a “personal journey of overcoming and finding love and happiness” but I’m sure the reason she’s spent many a night sleeping in sadness on her bathroom floor since Sean dumped her. But hey, when Desiree falls, she gets right back up.
I personally thinks she looked better with the bangs she had in Sean’s season, but hey this is her show now and we ladies have to stick together.
Speaking of being a lady, I am indeed one. Our resident expert on all things “Bachelor” has unfortunately had to step down for the season, leaving me to take his place. While I may not share his uniquely male perspective, I do still very much enjoy making shallow judgments and mocking people. So don’t worry, dear Bachelorette Breakdown fans, I think we shall get along just fine.
Desiree keeps describing herself as “Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming,” but unfortunately for her, the casting director was thinking more along the lines of “The Princess and the Frog” and brought her a whole lot of toads instead…and also Robocop?
Seriously, what’s wrong with some of these Bachelors?
Let me tell you:
1) A good majority of them admitted to watching Desiree on Sean’s season. Yeah, she’s got herself a bunch of dudes that sit around and watch The Bachelor. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of guys that watch the Bachelor, but the important difference is that they would never admit to watching the Bachelor on national TV.
2) They’re willing to be on the Bachelorette. Point made.
First, let’s take a look at the Bachelors who FAILED to make the grade and were sent home:
Dental Student / “Male Model”
Dallas, TX (orig. London, England)
He may not have had an accent from growing up in London, but he did have pretty nice teeth, which is always a huge “plus” if you’re a Brit. Unfortunately, he came to his introduction dressed in a white lab coat in an attempt to look like “McSteamy” from Grey’s Anatomy. That makes sense because the best way to make yourself look good is to dress up like someone else that is WAY hotter.
In his bio he wishes he could be Tom Brady for one day despite the fact that he looks more like Mark Sanchez, but I’m sure Mark Sanchez would say the same thing.
ER Doctor and NOT a creep
While Larry will choose to believe that he got kicked off for the fateful introduction dip that went wrong for the rest of his life, he will be living in denial. “48 out of 50 trials were pure success! Why?!?! WHY?!?!!??!”
Maybe if he would have tried a couple more times with the CSI: Miami taking off your glasses thing he could have made the creepiness go away.
Larry also lists “ego, shame, and poor communicator” as his three worst attributes. Yes, those are his “WORST” ones, people.
Marketing Manager and heir to the throne of Loren(?)
Lake Tahoe, CA (orig. Penha, Brazil)
***Note to all future contestants*** When a girl says she wants a ‘knight in shining armor’ she never means it literally. Never.
“I love it when my date isn’t trying to be someone else or act different to impress me. When they can be candid and goofy and let the date proceed naturally.” – Desiree
Tailor / Magician
One of his relationship deal breakers are what he calls “high-maintenance label whores” which are women with no motivation or goals. I was sad to see him go. I bet he would have come up with some pretty spectacular “illusions” because “magic tricks” are what high-maintenance label whores do for money…orrr candy.
And now, for the biggest Bachelor Flunkee of the Week
And no, that’s not the “F” word. That’s how many minuses Jonathan gets after his grade.
He introduced himself to her by inviting her to the fantasy suite right off the bat. Holy presumptuous. She was clearly put off by that, but did that stop him? Of course not! He set a trap in his own fantasy suite so that he could “kiss Desiree on the mouth.” Surprisingly enough, it did not work. Did he give up? Definitely not. Third time’s a charm, right Jonathan? No, third strike gets you sent home douche bag. Here’s some of his best lines:
“I was being funny and you didn’t get it.”
“My mom says I’m good looking.”
“My love tank hasn’t been depleted for years.”
Good riddance, Jonathan. You will not be missed. At least you have your full love tank to keep you warm at night. #predator
Now here’s the Class Rankings for the Bachelors who will actually be sticking around:
The “single parent/entrepeneur” gimmick is a wild card because it usually translates into “my ex is dead or crazy/unemployed.” But when you have a living, breathing child that can serve as proof that you have incredible genes, you totally win. Congratulations on being the only guy with an “awww”-inducing introduction.
I was kinda hoping that Brody would stay in the mansion with Ben, but yeah, that would be weird. It’s probably an inappropriate atmosphere for a child, and who would help him go potty on their super dates?
I bet it still would have been precious to watch.
Iraq War Veteran
He does seem to love his dog A LOT, but he served in Iraq. He earned second place at the 2010 National Soldier of the Year competition, and of course all of us horrible people are thinking “well, who won first place?” I know…we’re terrible. The good news for Bryden is that being a war veteran means he pretty much has a free pass for at least a couple of weeks. Desiree couldn’t possibly send a war hero home in week one, right? That would pretty much make her a terrorist.
Bryden’s most embarrassing moment:
“I thought I was texting a girl I liked but I had mixed up numbers and was texting a gay dude that had been hanging out with us.”
Which begs the question: why did you have the guy dude’s phone number in the first place? Shhhhhh…don’t ask, don’t tell.
Digital Marketing Analyst
He has a tragic background story and a boyish charm about him. I predict he will go far. He would also probably do quite well on American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance. Drew lists “one leg being longer than the other” as one of his worst attributes. YEAH it is.
Los Angeles, CA
I am skeptical as to whether he really did invent “sign spinning”, but if he were going to lie couldn’t he have come up with something cooler?
I bet everyone at Little Caesars just LOVES Robert. Plus, his face is So. Dang. Cute. A!
Former Pro Soccer Player/ Venezuelan Dreamboat
Miami, FL (orig. Barquisimeto, Venezuela)
I’m not sure what type of schooling you need to get into Venezuelan Dreamboating, but I’m guessing it’s nothing the University of Phoenix could offer. Oh, and that accent…
Costa Mesa, CA
His background will either make him super awesome or raise a whole lot of red flags. On the bright side, he looks like a pretty decent wake boarder, and that is important to women. FACT.
#Advertising #Executive #marriagematerial #twitterrules #LOL
#San #Luis #Obispo, CA
Yes, he spells his name like a #female. Yes, he complimented Desiree in #hashtags and then continued to use them in conversations for the rest of the night. #witty
Still, you remember who Kasey is, don’t you? #likeateenagegirlwhogotpermissiontogetatwitteraccountFINALLY #itwillgetoldfast #istilllaughed #notproud
Chicago, IL (orig. Federal Way, WA)
A banker who does yoga and high fives strangers?! What’s not to like? Will admits that he likes to take his dates to the gym because it tells him a lot about their work ethic and daily habits, but for some reason saying “Sooooo, wanna meet for crunches on Friday?” seems odd.
“I love a woman who pursues me.”
He thinks that Desiree might develop a hunch back in her old age and still loves her. He also looks like pretty much every villain in every 80s movie.
Sales and Marketing
Salt Lake City, UT
He is from Salt Lake City so there is a 99.9% chance that he will turn out to be a douche.
Accountant / DJ
He seems like a nice enough guy, but it’s the /DJ that worries me. Brad also DREAMS about having lunch with Mike Tyson. Desiree should worry about that part, because it either means Brad’s a rapist, or she’ll end up with a tiger in her bathroom after one of their dates.
Miami Beach, FL
Michael G takes Desiree over the fountain where she and Sean tossed pennies and made wishes. He wants to find her penny for a “do-over.” Of course the pennies aren’t still in the fountain. This is a reality show set, not the mall.
He is a grown man named “Mikey” and probably should have tried out for Jersey Shore about 3-4 years ago.
Newport Beach, CA
He was rocking those black chucks.
Sorry bud, the “fake marriage proposal bend down to tie your shoelace” bit only works when you’re Jim Halpert.
Decided to keep it cas’ because he dresses in a suit every other day of his life. Ok?
Girls don’t like poetry. Nobody likes poetry.
Beverage Sales Director
Las Vegas, NV
Dan lists “always trying to please” and “too trusting” as a couple of his worst attributes. Kind of like when people say “I’m a perfectionist” during job interviews. #humblebrag
Denver, CO (orig. Detroit Lakes, MN)
He decided to show up in a monstrosity of a suit that he made himself because Desiree showed up to meet Sean in a dress that she had designed for herself.
That’s cool for Desiree because she is a dress designer. His suit looks like something Batman villain Two-Face would wear if he drove in NASCAR. For him to put his suit in the same category as Desiree’s dress was the biggest slam of the entire night. What a dweeb.
Also, you’re 32 and still a law student? Come on, Micah.
Zak (with a K)
Drilling Fluid Engineer
Poor Zak with a K is so desperate to be taken seriously that he decides to strip down and jump into the freezing pool. #streaking
Yeah, that makes sense. Does the dude even own a shirt? But hey, Des keeps him around cuz “Mama liiiiiike” or something.
I don’t believe in watching the season sneak peeks, but just by looking at the pool of men I can tell this will be one dramatic and entertaining season!
Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!
Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 - Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 - All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 - Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 - Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 - Munich
Episode 6 - James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 - Fantasy Island
Episode 8 - Hometown Dates
Episode 9 - Men Tell All
Episode 10 - He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 - The Final Rose
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.
If you want a rose from Special K, then check Hello, Loser out on Facebook