James and Desiree talk and cry on the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – James and the Giant Leech

In following with their long tradition of visiting “romantic” cities like Atlantic City and Munich, this week The Bachelorette visits Barcelona…so I guess 1 out of 3 ain’t bad, right? But how can any of these Bachelors find love with Desiree when there’s a giant leech in their midst? Yes, I’m looking at you, James.

Desiree didn’t see it, but she should have kicked him off the show just for hanging out in the tub eating chocolate covered strawberries.

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But now he’s been exposed for something worse than being the poster boy for metrosexuality. Yes, James actually is on this show to become famous.

Oh, the humanity.

What will happen in Barcelona? Will James the leech dig in deeper on Desiree’s digestive tract of love, or will he finally get burned?

Find out this week on the Bachelorette Breakdown – Barcelona.

“Kiss Me Deadly”

Drew immediately kisses Desiree during the start of their one on one date on the Bachelorette.

Drew must not have practiced on his pillow like I imagined he would, because he wastes no time in IMMEDIATELY kissing Desiree at the start of their one-on-one date. EAAAAASY THERE, Drew…there’s still plenty of date to go, brosef. Are you worried you’re not going to get a kiss from her, because that is a fear NO ONE should have on this show. No seriously, Desiree probably made out with the cameraman, the boom guy, and a couple old Spanish dudes waiting for you to show up. Desiree LOVES to kiss, Drew. She loves it so super hard.

And unfortunately, this set the tone for entire first half of their date, as they pretty much made out for a solid 30 minutes before coming up for air to down a cup of hot chocolate. But hey, I guess that’s what happens when there’s nothing planned, so…thanks ABC for letting me hear their kissing noises in 7.1 surround sound.

Drew also shares some important family secrets that of course have everything nothing to do with their relationship. Ok, let me guess – Drew was either abandoned as a child, has a child, or someone in his family has a life-threatening disease.

“He’s my hero. I look at my dad and I see the man I want to be – he is a recovered alcoholic.” – Drew

“Wow.” – Desiree

Dang! That was going to be my third guess, though.

“He just told me he also has cancer.” – Drew

Knew it.

Then suddenly Drew’s “emotions” take over and he goes completely off script to whisk Desiree away before they can even start dinner. And by “emotions” he totally meant his groin.

Drew and Desiree on a date on the BAchelorette.

And guess what his big surprise is? No, they don’t get to awkwardly slow dance while Taylor Swift sings to them, and he didn’t write her a poem either. Yeah, Drew basically slams her up against the wall of some random alley and goes violent make-out sesh on her because, “EMOTIONS.” Good thing, because up until this point they had barely laid a finger on each other [sarcasm].

Of course, in any other scenario where you get a kiss at the start of the date, eat dessert first, and then go straight to the post-date make-out party without even buying the girl dinner you would NEVER get a second date. And honestly Drew’s pretty lucky there were cameras there. You can’t lead a girl into a dark alley on your first date and expect her to not totally pepper spray you or at least reach for her rape whistle.

I’m just so glad those old people from Atlantic City weren’t given this date. Throw-ups all around, am I right?

“The Beautiful Game”

Juan Pablo should have completely owned the group date, because the Bachelors were forced to play soccer against a professional team from Spain – a professional WOMEN’S team.

Notice I said “should have.” Because from this photo it looks like they are playing a bunch of 8th grade girls.

The Bachelors are overconfident against the women's soccer team during their group date on the Bachelorette.

“Listen Girl Scouts, we’re about to bake some cookies.” – Brooks

The first two goals went to the Bachelors, and they had the most fantastic celebrations planned.

Juan Pablo and the Bachelors celebrate after scoring a goal playing soccer for their group date on the Bachelorette. Juan Pablo and the Bachelors celebrate after scoring a goal playing soccer for their group date on the Bachelorette.

Well, obviously the Bachelor team had never seen Bend it Like Beckham, because Desiree’s team turned on the heat and knocked off ten straight goals, no thanks to James being the worst goalie in the history of goalkeepers. James was about as afraid of the ball as he is about not using an ultra-moisturizing conditioner in his hair.

And as far as things that could “EMBARRASS US FOREVER,” losing to these “Girl Scouts” doesn’t even come close to actually being a contestant on The Bachelorette. Two for two, boys. Nicely done.

Later that night, Kasey, Michael and Chris confronted James about his “secret” conversation with Mikey, where he basically said he wanted to make the final four to become the next Bachelor and party with chicks on Mikey’s yacht in Chicago.

“You sound like you’re auditioning for the Jersey Shore” – Michael

James attempts to clear the air by responding with something that no one on the Jersey Shore would ever say:

James says "F You" to Michael, Chris and Kasey on the Bachelorette.

“F*** you, Michael. F*** you! And f*** you!!!” – James

“Case dismissed,” as Michael would probably say.

I also couldn’t help but compare this to that famous scene from Half Baked – the one where Scarface quits his job at His Royal Beefiness:

Later Desiree shows up unexpectedly to talk to James about what he said, and of course he denies everything. He then proceeds to tell the two biggest lies of the entire show, which is impressive because he’s already told some whoppers.

“Mikey and I are two different people!”

To which everyone watching thought to themselves: “Really?” And…

“It was the best date I’ve ever been on.”

To which everyone watching thought to themselves: “Really?” because his date consisted of looking at hurricane wreckage from a helicopter while two old people took their dinner reservations.

“The Naked Man”

Zak was initially concerned about his date with Desiree because of all the drama the day before with James. However, what he should have been concerned with is the naked guy he’d have to stare out for the next few hours in their drawing class.

First they each sketched a clothed model and Zak didn’t do half bad for being a Fluid Engineer or whatever he does for a living.

Then, they each sketched each other, and Zak’s drawing of Desiree resembled the one Napolean Dynamite did for Trisha prior to their prom date.

Zak shows his drawing of Desiree on their date on the Bachelorette.

Then it was onto the surprise model – a male nude.

I would have paid over a million dollars if Zak chose that moment to reach over and kiss Desiree. “SO MANY EMOTIONS!” We know, Zak.

Zak and Desiree are forced to draw a male nude model during their date on the BAchelorette.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” – Zak

Probably not what he meant, Des.

The next morning, 80s teen movie villain James managed to sweet talk Desiree AGAIN into letting him stick around, and we got to see the most awkward hangout session a group of bros has ever experienced:

I could watch that clip all day.

“If James gets a rose tonight I think the group is going to collectively s— themselves” Michael

And now, we say goodbye to the Bachelors who left us:

James

James on the Bachelorette.

Grade: F

I don’t think that James’ biggest problem is that he is too much of a “realist” for the Bachelorette. I think the issue is that he has WAY too much self-confidence. Whether he said it aloud or not (and quit crying Des, because it is obvious that he totally did say it) why is he so positive that he is someone that America would want to watch as the Bachelor? The facts are:

  • You cheated on your girlfriend of five years. That is not a ship that most women willingly board. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I right?
  • You did not block a single goal in a soccer game against tiny female players. You are 6’2″ and 260 ibs. If you would have just stood there instead of flinching away like a little pansy you could have at least blocked one or two shots.
  • Your neck is so thick you can’t even button up your precious collared shirts you love so much.
  • A long sleeve button down with flip-flops?
  • The puddles of underboob stains on his lilac Oxford shirt were a nice touch.

So, James, have fun partying it up in Chicago with Mikey. You two crazy kids were made for each other.

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo on the Bachelorette.

Grade: F

To send Juan Pablo home at all is just wrong because he’s by far the coolest bro on the show, but to send him home after he completely owned that soccer field?! He doesn’t deserve this. I can only think that Desiree craves a man that comes with a little drama, and Juan Pablo had ZERO drama. Just look at him when all of them were yelling at James for being a liar. He was just sitting their silently on the corner of the couch. No seriously, if he had a cell phone with him there’s no doubt he would’ve got in a few games of Angry Birds during that.

According to his bio, all Juan Pablo is looking for is a girl with, “a fit body, good size breasts, and a nice smile.” Is that too much to ask for?!

Adios, Juan Pablo. I shall never forget you.

#Kasey

Kasey on the Bachelorette.

Grade: F

Poor #Kasey wasn’t even allowed a dramatic limo exit when his name wasn’t called this week. That is no way to treat a Mr. America! Had we been able to hear his final parting words, I’m sure they would have sounded something like this:

#deshasmadeahugemistake

#ijustwantsomeonetoloveme

#foreveralone

#whyyyyyyy

#fyoujames

And now for the Bachelors who survived Munich:

Chris

Chris on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

Even without going on a one on one this week, it is clear that Desiree is super into Chris. I agree with Desiree that Chris seems to be good at everything he tries. His latest achievement: Acting!

“Oh my goodness Des, that poem was amazing! I loved it so much!”

And also the scene of him “shhhhh”ing all the guys in that heated confrontation with James was just awesome. “Hey fellas, this is a library. Keep it down will ya?”

Zak with a K

Zak on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

Zak with a K believes that he is still single because he can’t stay in any one place for too long without getting bored. I think it mas more to do with the fact that he looks like the result of a one night stand between Will Arnett and an orange Troll Doll.

That being said, Zak with a K has proved to be a pretty cool guy that would always be interesting to have around. I do kinda wish that he and Drew would have swapped dates this week because I can only imagine what Drew’s face would have been when that nude model guy dropped his robe.

Drew

Drew on the Bachelorette.

Grade: B+

We finally realize that indistinguishable quality that has attracted us all to Drew this entire season: he is a human puppy dog!

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  • He is loyal and easily excitable.
  • You better not mess with his owner.
  • And puppy loves kisses!
  • He’s lovable, and I’m sure he will come in handy if Desiree ever needs him to fetch anything.
  • He gets so completely pissed when he sees his owner with another dog:

Drew gets mad when James and Desiree make up on the Bachelorette.

Brooks

Brooks on the Bachelorette.

Grade: C

Brooks was king of the one-liners this week, which shows us that ABC wants to keep him at the front of our mind. I’m smelling a finish in the top two in his future. If only I were also smelling a barbershop, then I may be able to feel excited about it.

Michael G.

Michael G. on the Bachelorette.

Grade: D

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I believe Michael Scott described it best when he said, “If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and [Michael G.], I would shoot [Michael G.] twice.”

I hope next week the date involves eating a deep fried Twinkie sundae and we will all get to enjoy watching Michael G. go into a diabetic shock.

Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!

Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:

Episode 1 – Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 – All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 – Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 – Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 – Munich
Episode 6 – James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 – Fantasy Island
Episode 8 – Hometown Dates
Episode 9 – Men Tell All
Episode 10 – He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 – The Final Rose

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.


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14 thoughts on “Bachelorette Breakdown – James and the Giant Leech”

  1. I loved everything about this post. So funny, and so on the money. I was glad James left, but Michael g. sucks so bad! Why is he still here?

  2. Drew’s facial expressions, and Brooks one-liners really make this show for me. Des keeps repeating how she has “a great group of guys”, but I’m thinking she’s just trying to convince herself, cause none of the the viewers are buying it.

  3. Desiree gives the first one-on-one date to Drew Kenney with an invitation reading, “Let’s build a foundation for love.” Drew’s idea of a foundation is clearly planting a kiss on the bachelorette, as that’s precisely what he does the first chance he gets. Their date involves a stroll through the streets of Barcelona, taking in the architecture, sipping some hot chocolate and some opening up from Drew. He tells Des all about his father – a flawed man with an alcohol problem who he loves dearly. Later on, the couple enjoys a romantic dinner that’s interrupted by Drew’s urge to make out with Des in a “secluded” alley. At the end of the date, Des gives Drew a rose and Drew gives Des the truth about James – he’s using the show to improve his dating life and hopefully become the next The Bachelor star. A shocked Des, thanks Drew for clueing her in.

  4. So we’re swept away by all this drama whilst forgetting that the “purpose” of this whole “journey” was for her to find love. And not for her to watch the men bicker with each other.

Talk to me, loser.