Brooks breaks up with Desiree in Antigua on the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – He Brooks My Heart

As Desiree nears the end of her journey to find true love on The Bachelorette, she visits the island of Antigua in the Caribbean for some fantasy suite-ing with Drew, Chris and Brooks. Antigua means “ancient” in Spanish, and is there anything older than a love story gone completely wrong? We’re about to find out.

First of all, do I need to refresh everyone on how terrible islands are? If you don’t believe me, just watch the pilot episode for LOST and then we’ll talk.

I’m not going to waste any time, so here goes…

rock

James was right. You apparently DO need a “Plan B” in life.

Damn you, James.

“Woman’s Best Friend”

It had been a long time since Drew the Dog received individual attention from his owner, Desiree, so naturally he proceeded to lick her face for the first ten minutes of their date. He also jumped up and down when he found out about the possibility of spending the night with Des. No more sleeping on the back porch! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!

No seriously, you would think Drew’s been locked up in his kennel for the past two weeks by how excited he was acting. If he actually had a tail he would be wagging the crap out of that thing.

HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS – HE’S SO SUPER EXCITED!!!!!!

Drew goes on a date with Desiree at Betty's Hope Antigua on the Bachelorette.

For their date, they basically rent a Jeep and go exploring around the island. Now, if you remember Barcelona and what happened the last time Drew and Desiree went “exploring” for their date, you also know that at least half of the date includes them trying to literally suck the other person’s face off.

Seriously ABC, can’t you plan something for them? Remember, Drew is half dog. When dogs get bored they chew up your favorite shoes, dig up your flower beds, or in Drew’s case probably impregnate at least half of the other dogs in the neighborhood. Drew needs structure.

This also probably explains why they meet at a place called Betty’s Hope for their super date. It used to be a sugar plantation back in the 1600s, but it still seems to be producing plenty of “sugar” even in 2013.

Drew and Desiree pull over on the road to kiss in Betty's Hope Antigua on the Bachelorette.

At least Drew was safety-conscious enough to pull over on the side of the road to make-out with Desiree for the 80th time that day. He’s probably not a “text while driving” person either – something Des should take note of if they ever have kids together.

Wait! Why is the dog driving!!?? Have you never seen those Toonces the Driving Cat SNL sketches?

Toonces the driving cat snl

Along the way, Drew and Desiree chat about how much they want each other, pause to take a selfie, and make insightful observations about Antigua’s beautiful surroundings.

“It’s so blue – the water.” – Drew

Then they stop at Shirley Heights to hang out and party with some of the locals, but really all you see are a bunch of other tourists and a couple “locals” playing steel drums and trying to get them to buy some worthless knick-knacks.

“Everything we buy is one more memory we have of this amazing place. We’re going to keep these forever! It will be in our house one day.” – Drew

…says every kid who wants a souvenir at Disneyland. Yeah, so basically Drew and Des’ house will be decorated with Mickey Mouse ears, glow sticks, keychains and shot glasses.

Luckily, Drew got to buy a maraca, and showed it off by doing one of the worst limbo dances in the history of limbo-dancing.

Drew and Desiree limbo at Shirley Heights Antigua on the Bachelorette.

So, sorry Dancing with the Stars. If Drew’s not the next Bachelor then it looks like you’re out of luck too.

The best vendor was the palm leaf sculpture guy, who not only made Drew and Des a palm rose and heart, but practically forced the two of them to kiss in exchange for them.

“Yes, kissss. kissss. Intense.” – Palm Leaf Sculpture Guy

A man makes a grass heart and wants Drew and Desiree to kiss on the Bachelorette date at Shirley Heights Antigua.

His 10-year old daughter was forced to look at the ground, but it felt like she was used to these propositions by her dad. They must not have Cinemax in Antigua.

After an afternoon picnic/make-out sesh on the hillside, Drew and Desiree meet up again for a campfire dinner, only there’s a gigantic rainstorm and they are “forced” to go directly to the Fantasy Suite. Neither of them looked upset, and honestly the rain gave them the moisture boost they both needed to get through the evening ahead. I bet they were a little mad that they both had matching umbrellas, though.

On a side note, I’m starting to become a little concerned for Drew’s nutrition. Between this date and the one in Barcelona, he’s now skipped two dinners in favor of hooking up with Des. Plus, he only ate a few slices of pineapple for lunch before grabbing Desiree’s head to kiss her.

Ok, now I’m putting two-and-two together. His appetite is sex…and it can never be quenched.

Desiree invites Drew to the fantasy suite on their date in Antigua on the Bachelorette.

Once inside the Fantasy Suite, Desiree presents Drew with an invitation to spend the night with her, although since they’ve been making out literally ALL DAY it’s more of a formality. It’s kind of like getting your driver’s license renewed. “I don’t need this piece of paper to tell me I can drive this car, am I right?!”

Also, at this point, do we still need the host, Chris Harrison, to invite two consenting adults to spend the night with each other? I’m sure they do it to save the Bachelorette the embarrassment of actually asking, but it feels too much like those notes you’d have your friends write to someone you liked in junior high.

note

Drew accepts the invitation because, duh.

“I haven’t had a good morning yet. I’ve only had good nights.” – Drew

Desiree then explains how important communication is to her in a relationship, and how her ex-boyfriend never said “I love you” to her or expressed his true feelings about her. However, what she failed to explain was how knowing all of this information still makes Brooks the odds-on favorite to marry her. [foreshadowing]

After a loud, rabid kiss that sounded like someone eating a banana right next to your ear, Drew finally had to tell the cameras “Alright guys, time to leave,” but not before we faintly hear Des say “It’s so hot in here.”

“My mind is made up. I’m going to marry this woman.” – Drew

So congrats, Drew, if anything I guess you got “firsties” with Des.

“Falling Forward”

Desiree shows up for her date with Chris wearing something one would wear if they were either an alligator wrestler, a yoga instructor or a bartender at Coyote Ugly.

Desiree wears a green bikini top for her date with Chris in Antigua on the Bachelorette.

Thankfully he didn’t greet her with a poem – presumably because it’s hard to find something to rhyme with “Antigua” – but he did manage to immediately start making out with Des. Drew must have told Chris: “well, that’s what I do, and the cool thing is you don’t even have to buy her dinner!”

Desiree wants to see the rest of the island, so she has a helicopter come pick them up for a tour. The only this is…Chris is afraid of heights. Interestingly, Chris is NOT afraid of wearing high heels and making helicopter motions with hula hoops on national TV, but so help me don’t make him climb a 30-foot ladder.

Chris puts on heels and hoola hoops for Desiree on the Bachelorette.

“Des and I are literally on top of the world right now, and it feels amazing.” – Chris

Actually, they were only hovering a few hundred feet above ground level, but to someone who’s afraid of heights that’s a lot.

This was also a HUGE improvement over the last helicopter date with Des and James, but anyone would be lying if they weren’t half expecting Chris and Desiree to fly over a flooded “Disneyland-Antigua” while some old Caribbean couple stayed in their Fantasy Suite.

They land on Barbuda Island – once home to a “slave sanctuary” in the late 1600s – but now home to Chris and Desiree’s private make-out beach. My, how far we’ve come.

Chris and Desiree share a picnic on Barbuda Island Antigua on the Bachelorette.

I have no idea what they discussed during their picnic lunch, because the sun shining in Drew’s eyes was too distracting. No seriously, Drew and Des got matching umbrellas when it was raining, so why can’t Chris at least get one of his baseball caps? It looked like someone punched him in the eye.

The two of them made out in the waves, and I’m pretty sure Chris wrote a poem about it afterward.

Chris and Desiree kiss on the beach in Barbuda Island Antigua on the Bachelorette.

But there’s no way that’s worse than the heart she draws for Chris in the sand.

Desiree draws a heart in the sand for Chris on the BAchelorette.

After describing sharing one girl with 20 other guys “the best two months of his life,” Chris breaks the news to Desiree that he would want her to move to Seattle because he “loves his job so much.” I know, you’re probably thinking “I thought Chris worked for a mortgage lender?” and he does, but that’s not what he meant. I’m sure he was referring to his modeling career. You know, the kind of modeling that adds in extra hair on your receding forehead.

chris-bachelorette-model

Des looked less than thrilled at the idea because “California is my home” and so she basically lied and told him a bunch of crap about “sacrifices” and stuff. I’m sure if Brooks had asked her to move to Salt Lake City, she’d be like “Awwwwww, I love the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!” and then would’ve immediately bought a one-way plane ticket.

She should think of it this way: at least she didn’t end up with Zak and was forced to serve snow cones to little kids the rest of her life.

Desiree gives Chris the invitation to the Fantasy Suite, and Chris’ first idea is go out and watch the stars. This throws Des off guard because I think she was still in Drew-mode from the night before where it was “GO TIME!” about five minutes after entering the room.

“Awwww, yeah…um, watch the stars. That sounds…great.” – Desiree (in her head)

Plus, I’m sure she couldn’t wait to find out if he really did have the biggest, um…thing.

Chris predictably shares a poem to Desiree after dinner. Well, it was really less of a poem and more a string of random phrases strung together that made absolutely no sense. It’s like he was trying to imitate Zak’s poem from the Men Tell All, but couldn’t quite get his flow down.

Thankfully, this was probably the last poem we – and Desiree – will ever have to hear.

“The Finish Line”

If you looked up the definition of “hot mess” on Urban Dictionary last Monday, you would have undoubtedly found a photo of Brooks right next to it. In fact, he’s so super torn up about his feelings for Desiree that all he can do is go to the park and meditate on a bridge. Look at him – he’s thinking the crap out of that bridge.

Brooks thinks about his relationship with Desiree in Boise.

But wait? Why is he wearing a sweater and jeans? This isn’t Antigua, people. No, Brooks is actually in Boise visiting his family in hopes that they can make some sense of his crazy situation, because being on the Bachelorette ALWAYS makes sense.

Before we go any further, let’s just get this out there: Brooks was raised Mormon. I have no idea if he currently practices the religion since I don’t know the guy, but I do know that there are certain aspects of the show that could cause issues for someone in that faith. This would include something like spending the night with someone, or as Brooks calls it, the “exotic” part of the date.

When he refers to “certain comments” that his family members have said I can almost 100% promise you that they are religious in nature. Mormons definitely have a unique view and special set of beliefs on the topic of marriage, and I swear if anyone is trying to think of a clever polygamy joke right now I would slap you so super hard if I could. Be original.

My point is there are most likely very “real” issues that Brooks is dealing with, even though they coincidentally create drama and improve ratings for the TV show.

Brooks talks with his mom and sister about Desiree in Boise on the Bachelorette.

That being said, his mom couldn’t have looked LESS interested in any of Brooks’ concerns. His sister was the one answering all of his questions, giving him great advice, and showing support, while his mom looked at him like he just brought home a report card with all F’s. And, as someone who is divorced, she could very well be thinking “Why bother…we all know how this ends anyway.”

But the WORST part of this segment was ABC’s decision to show it right before Desiree’s date with Chris. It basically left the viewing audience half-invested in their date, which I guess is fine because we all only half listened to Chris’ poem.

Brooks leaves for Antigua, but before his date with Desiree he meets with host Chris Harrison to talk about his feelings. And wow, did he look like he just came back from a 3-day bender in Vegas.

Brooks talks with host Chris Harrison about Desiree on the Bachelorette.

Chris seemed legitimately concerned for Brooks’ welfare, but even more concerned that Brooks was going to literally destroy the entire season of The Bachelorette. Being the host, he HAD to have already known the “inside scoop” on what’s going on, and could see a future where this all ends very, very badly. The audience doesn’t want to invest time in a show where the Bachelorette doesn’t end up with anyone.

However, at the same time Chris and ABC have to be so super pumped that a contestant actually has the gonads to speak up and say how ridiculous the entire show and process is. It’s already what everyone watching is thinking anyway. How CAN you actually fall in love with someone after a couple fantasy dates and a one-nighter in some bed covered in rose petals? And then to want to marry that person on top of all that? It would be like deciding to go to four years of medical school – plus a residency and fellowship training – just because you really like the idea of walking around wearing a lab coat with a stethoscope around your neck. Brooks understands that the image of love and marriage is nothing like the reality of love and marriage.

Meanwhile, Desiree gets dressed for her big date with Brooks. For some odd reason, the producers decide to ACTUALLY show Des putting her clothes on as she first walks out in her bra and underwear. Maybe they thought that by first showing her a little closer to naked that we wouldn’t think she was skanky when she walked out in a half shirt and booty shorts. It reminded me of that scene in Clueless when Cher is about to leave on her date with Christian and her dad yells at her for wearing her skimpy Calvin Klein dress.

Desiree dresses for her date wtih Brooks on Antigua on the bachelorette.

Also, it could have been a metaphor for her feelings toward Brooks. You know, like now she’s “naked and exposed” because she’s ready to express her love for him. Either that, or the cameraman is a total perv.

Anyway, at this point Desiree is Beyoncé level CRAZY IN LOVE with Brooks, and isn’t afraid who knows it:

“Today is going to be Brooks and I, hand I hand, stress free, no worries.”

“He’s one of a kind.”

“When I’m with Brooks I do see my future.”

“Feels great to be falling in love!”

“Even though I’m falling in love with the other guys I have deeper feelings for Brooks.”

“I know that I am falling in love with him.”

“If Brooks got in one knee and proposed to me I would definitely say yes!” – Desiree, all of them

Seriously, couldn’t the producers have warned Des, so that she didn’t get her heartbroken wearing a half shirt?

Brooks decides to man-up and confront Desiree, who can’t wait to be with him again.

desiree-head

But after a quick hug – and NO kiss – from Brooks, Desiree’s mood quickly changes for the worse.

desiree-head2

They spent the rest of the show sitting on a bench on the dock, and that is where Brooks ripped out Desiree’s heart in one of the greatest moments in Bachelor or Bachelorette history.

No seriously, put your feelings aside and think about how epic this moment was. Brooks pretty much changed reality TV forever. You can thank him later.

  • He made the decision to marry someone an important one.
  • He magnified the importance of true love vs. infatuation.
  • He took the audience behind-the-scenes and let them see his true feelings.
  • He is not afraid to do what’s best for himself over what’s best for the show, yet at the same time everything he’s doing helps the show WAY more than if he’d been just like “I love you Des, let’s get married yesterday!!!!”
  • He has no problem quitting the show even though he’s clearly the front-runner.
  • He made Chris Harrison do more than walk in and say “This is the last rose this evening.”

So there’s your “All the Right Reasons” Desiree. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, SON!?

I know that seems insensitive, but just because you’re hot and an awesome person doesn’t mean that EVERYONE is going to like or fall in love with you – even if you love them.

Brooks and Desiree break-up in antigua on the Bachelorette.

Now, I’m not going to recap every single word that was said between them, but it basically included A LOT of the following:

  • Ugly crying
  • Brooks putting both hands over his face
  • Brooks pulling his moppy hair back
  • Des asking “Why?”
  • Brooks saying “I don’t know”
  • More ugly crying

Another thing that was made evidently clear is that Brooks IS NOT a runner. If this were an actual marathon, then Desiree is the determined Kenyan – who slowly and surely does everything she can to eventually cross the finish line – and Brooks is your Uncle Larry, who really, really, really wants to get into running but hasn’t found a pair of shoes he likes. Brooks will stick to jogging.

If this relationship were compared to that famous Aesop Fable, The Tortoise and the Hare, then Desiree is the good qualities of both. She started off fast and strong like the hare, but finished and won the race just like the tortoise. Brooks seemed to start off really slow and then didn’t even bother to finish.

One of my favorite moments of the big break-up was the huge snot rocket Brooks shot out when he was crying alone in the palm tree forest.

Brooks blows a snot rocket after breaking up with Desiree on the Bachelorette.

He could have save a lot of time talking to Desiree if he had shot this on her when they first got to the dock.

I also loved how the cameramen were suddenly afraid to get within 100 yards of Desiree when she’s sobbing on the edge of the dock, but they were more than happy to get all up in her business when she was getting dressed that morning.

Desiree cries on the dock after Brooks broke up with her.

So the big question now is who will be the rebound guy for Des? You can’t help but feel sorry for both Chris and Drew now that they both know they are Plan B. Oh, but no one has other plans when they come on the Bachelorette, right everyone who lied?

Somewhere James and Mikey are smiling…on a yacht…with tall, rich women.

Chris

Chris on the Bachelorette.

Grade: B

Unfortunately for Chris, they put his date right after they showed Brooks going to Boise to discuss his feelings with his sister and mom, making Chris’ date all the more boring. Since we all know that Des is actually only here for Brooks, it feels wrong to enjoy the other guys’ dates too much because then it feels like we are the ones leading them on mercilessly – only to stomp on their hearts in a few days.

I would say that Chris is my second choice for Desiree, but if he actually does end up with her then it is clear that he has ZERO self respect. Don’t feel too bad for Chris though, because there are a bunch of floosies blowing up Twitter gushing over how romantic he is with his poetry. Yuck.

Drew

Drew on the Bachelorette.

Grade: B

Although Drew’s intentions are pure, he still doesn’t really stand a chance to be the one that Desiree chooses at the end. Des has made it really clear that he was “one of the nicest guys she ever met.” Anyone else ever notice how the “nicest guys you have every met” are the ones that you set someone else up with instead of dating? However, Drew is definitely NOT friend-zoned with Desiree, because then she goes on to talk about his body for a solid five minutes.

Oh my gosh, Des, he’s a man. Not a piece of meat. Right, Mikey?

So maybe he’s “friend-with-benefits-zoned” or something.

Brooks

Brooks on the Bachelorette.

Grade: A

I might be a horrible person, but I was stoked that Brooks broke up with Des. It’s a nice dose of reality for this “reality television” show, because it does not matter how hot you are, it is impossible to make every guy you meet fall in love with you.

Some weeks I watch this show and I think, “Man, wouldn’t it be great to force 3 men to fight over me?” This week I watched this show and I thought, “Man, isn’t it great that when I get dumped there aren’t TV cameras trying to get a shot of my crying fave from every angle.” Seriously, I hope one of those camera guys was at least decent enough to offer her a tissue after they had filmed her sobbing for a solid 45 minutes. And these weren’t normal cries. No, these were ugly, heartwrenching ones.

Brooks is receiving an A as his final grade because he listened to his heart. But will it be his final grade? I have a sneaking suspicion (and keep in mind I am not a spoilers reader so it is only that) that we have not seen the end of Brooks.

Tune in next week for Part 2! It’s gettin’ real!

Miss an episode of the Bachelorette? We’ve got you covered:

Episode 1 – Desiree Meets the Bachelors
Episode 2 – All the Right Reasons
Episode 3 – Love is a Battlefield
Episode 4 – Atlantic City, Baby!
Episode 5 – Munich
Episode 6 – James and the Giant Leech
Episode 7 – Fantasy Island
Episode 8 – Hometown Dates
Episode 9 – Men Tell All
Episode 10 – He Brooks My Heart
Episode 11 – The Final Rose

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on the ABC.


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