The worst part about “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” is that it’s only 8 episodes long – not nearly enough time to explore the fantastic life of America’s Olympic champion and King of the Bros.
In a very ironic turn of events, this week Ryan travels to Washington, D.C. to give a speech about Muscular Dystrophy – two words I never thought he could pronounce after forgetting the title of his favorite movie “What WOMAN Want” in last week’s episode.
Ryan’s mother, “Ike,” travels to D.C. with him because someone needs to dress him and keep him from peeing over all the national monuments. What becomes very clear in the second episode is Lochte’s undying love for her. At times watching them together is like a “hey you two, get a room” level of uncomfortableness, but leave it up to Lochte to make it seem all right.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went to Washington, DC?”
Well, he might need to brush up on his position on Obamacare, because I’m sure he totally has one.
Let’s meet this episode’s cast:
RYAN “PREZ” LOCHTE
Wants to run for president because he thinks Lincoln had “swag.” Will wink for votes.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
“LIL BRO” DEVON
Still wearing camouflage cargo shorts because “duh” and kind of looks like Matthew Broderick.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
Gene goes FULL “Tiger Woods y’all” and his bromance with Lochte blossoms. Lots of smiles.[/ezcol_1third_end] [ezcol_1third]
Goes with Ryan to D.C. Has no idea what real underwear is. Still can’t say “JEAH!” the right way.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
Keeps Lochte looking smooth for the ladies. Has no idea what drunk golf is (yeah, right).[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
“STALKER” GOLF CHICK
May have slipped a roofie in Lochte’s drink at the golf course. Ryan approves either way.[/ezcol_1third_end] [ezcol_1third]
“CREEPY” TAILOR JOHN
Took him a LOOOONG time to determine if Ryan’s tight underwear was boxers or briefs.[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third]
They try to stump Lochte with political questions, because “duh, all D.C. girls are like this.”[/ezcol_1third] [ezcol_1third_end]
One of the kids at Lochte’s Muscular Dystrophy speech. Wants to be a swimmer. AHHH.[/ezcol_1third_end]
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he got a haircut?”
SUMMARY: Ryan, accompanied by bro-of-bros Gene, gets his locks trimmed before a rousing game of “drunk golf” – or as Lochte probably calls it: “golf.”
BEST: Ryan discovered hair clippers.
I’m so, so, so glad that the new Lochte hairstyle is clean cut because he used to look exactly like his sister, Megan.
It’s hard to have girls notice you when you look like the bassist for a 90s Alternative band.
WORST: Gene…DON’T TALK, just SMILE! Got it!?
Gene is a much better character when he’s jumping up and down, cheering something stupid Lochte just did, or smiling so super big that you’d think he just got a new puppy. I mean, he was soooooooo excited to be there just to watch Lochte get his hair did, that maybe he got a little too comfortable and opened his mouth to say this:
“Hey, you’re looking more like Justins Beibers older brother, man!”
“JUSTINS BIEBERS,” Gene? Nope. Not a real word or person. Nope, nope, nope.
Oh wait, UNLESS it’s like when some black guys say “shout out to my moms” when really they just mean one, singular mom. (Not plural.)
Crap, sorry Gene. You’re still the greatest. I’M the jerk.
WORST: Lochte’s hairstylist pretends to not know what “drunk golf” is.
Yet he clearly has an English accent and is wearing an Affliction t-shirt. I have a feeling Paul Mitchell knows what a lot of “drunk” things are.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went golfing?”
SUMMARY: Ryan and Gene take in 18 holes of drunk golf. Well, definitely 18 holes of drunk…with sprinkles of golf. Oh, and the cart girl may or may not have slipped Lochte a roofie. Also, his pee is neon-colored.
BEST: New light is shed on the pecking order of the Lochterage.
Ryan is not trying to emulate the Mafia because he does not put family first in the Lochterage. In a shocking revelation, it’s NOT flesh and blood lil’ bro Devon that’s 2nd in command, but King of Bros, Gene.
Is it really any surprise, though? Lochte needs someone who doesn’t challenge his methods, and Devon always tries to call him out. Plus, the Lochterage encourages diversity.
BEST-ER, OR EVEN BEST-EST: “Easy G”
Gene’s nickname is so completely fabulous I just want to kiss a unicorn.
WORST: Gene gives terrible golf advice.
Gene cautions Lochte to “not kill the ball” on his tee shot, but then when it’s his turn he suddenly turns into Happy Gilmore and just FREAKING CRUSHES IT!
“It’s all in the hips,” says Gene. Calm down, bro.
WORST: Lochte sucks at yet another sport.
Remember how horrible he was at flag football? Well, multiply that performance by 100 and that’s Ryan’s awful golf game. I love how he tries to call out Michael Phelps before completely shanking it on his approach.
I do have to remember that it’s “drunk golf” though. But still…this?
BEST/WORST: Lochte gear is straight to the point.
While I appreciate his attempt at irony with the Lochte “Golf Sucks” t-shirt, you gotta rock a collared shirt when you golf, bro. And yes, even whilst drunk golfing.
I understand that it’s Lochte and we should just be glad he’s wearing a shirt, but you have to respect the game.
However, I would do anything to see him wear a “Swimming Sucks” shirt at the next Olympics. That would be the ultimate bro move.
WORST: Lochte basically makes a date rape joke.
Ryan and Gene are dead set on finding the cart girl because clearly neither of them are sloshed enough to play drunk golf like it was intended. Once their drinks are full, Lochte accuses her of slipping him a roofie [wink], because everyone knows that DATE RAPE = HI-LARIOUS!!!
If that’s not enough, he also basically calls the cart girl unattractive, like the only way she can “get with the Lochte” would be for her to drug him. Dude, Ryan – get over yourself already. Not EVERY girl wants you, just most of them.
BEST: True love.
Lochte might have a hard time committing to one girl, but his bromance with Gene is absolutely one of the most beautiful, blossoming things I’ve ever seen.
Gene even drops the “L” word. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Lochte can’t quit you, Gene.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks. REAL TEARS, PEOPLE!
BEST: Lochte takes a “neon-colored” pee-pee on the golf course…
…because just like the swimming pool, the world is his toilet…and we’re just spectators.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he got fitted for a new suit?”
SUMMARY: Ryan’s mom joins him for his suit fitting because she’s also joining him for his trip to Washington, D.C. I’m still not sure why those two things need to be related, but whatever. She doesn’t like his choice of underwear (whaaaa?)
WORST: “MOM!!!! Ewwwwwww.”
You’re 28 years old, bro. Why in the name of Moses is your mom there watching you prance around in your boxers!? And she’s not just there as a casual observer. No, she’s actually looking at and critiquing your underwear…in front of a stranger.
Seriously, I think I was in 2nd grade the last time my mom actually accompanied me into a dressing room. It was terrible then, so I can’t imagine if she were to do that to me as a grown man.
And don’t give me the “Well, he wears less than that when he swims, so what’s the big deal?!” argument. No – swimwear has it’s own rules. It’s the same reason girls can rock a string bikini at the beach, but they would NEVER go out in public in just their bra and panties.
See, all the ladies reading this are shaking their heads “Yep, so true.”
EVEN WORST-ER: Lochte’s mom needs a lesson on undergarments.
These are the kind of conversations one would expect to hear in the Lochte household:
MOM: “Ryan, those aren’t boxers. I thought you were supposed to be wearing boxers?”
LOCHTE: “These are boxers.”
MOM: “No, they’re underwear!”
LOCHTE: “Mom, I wear less clothes than this every day.”
MOM: “It’s not appropriate.”
Point #1: Ryan is right. They are technically “boxers” he’s wearing. They’re called boxer-briefs. So…sick burn, mom!
Point #2: Ryan is right, again. Boxers ARE underwear, mom. They are just a different type of underwear.
Point #3: Ryan is right, yet again. The underwear he has on is completely appropriate…because it’s called UNDER-wear! It goes UNDER your clothes, where no one can see it.
WORST-EST: “Who’s side are you on anyway?”
Lochte’s mom always feels the need to mention Michael Phelps, particularly when making comparisons to her son. Never mind that the two were Olympic relay TEAMMATES and oh, that Phelps is actually retired from active competition, but whatever. She just can’t help herself to remind Ryan how dominate Phelps was.
In this case, she gives him a hard time because his wing span is not as wide as Phelps’.
Yes, an entire inch. You’re such a failure, Lochte!
What’s worse is that she actually says this:
“Looks like you’ll just have to train a little harder to get there.”
You can’t TRAIN yourself to have longer arms. Bigger? Yes. But sorry, that’s how long your arms are – end of story. That’s like saying a woman can enlarge her breasts by using some crazy machine from those ads in the 1950s.
You know Lochte’s mom bought one of these. Man, she is such a moron.
BEST: Lochte’s game plan for his speech in Washington, D.C.
First, some of this:
And if that doesn’t work, a little of this:
I cannot wait.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he toured Washington, DC?”
SUMMARY: Ryan and his mom want to see all the historical sites in D.C., but not before he teaches her the right way to say “JEAH!” (Yes, there’s a right way…apparently). Lochte has to hold himself back from peeing in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool because OF COURSE HE DOES.
WORST: “Mom, stop saying JEAH!”
Oh, and it’s way worse than when old people say “fo shizzle.”
Seriously, Lochte’s mom is ruining his $5 million dollar “investment.”
INVESTMENT??? What, pray tell, do you speak of?
BEST: Yep, Lochte actually trademarked “JEAH!”
In August of 2012, Ryan spent filed papers with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on the use and distribution of the catchphrase “JEAH!” What’s worse is he’s actually already made close to $5 million from it, which to me is almost as bad as having to hear his mom say it.
But that’s the hidden genius that is Lochte. He actually trademarked something that he probably didn’t even make up in the first place, and also turned something so incredibly stupid into millions of dollars.
I’m going to trademark “awesome.” Called it!
WORST: He kinda stole the catchphrase.
In a 2009 interview, Lochte explained that the word “JEAH!” is ripped from rapper Young Jeezy’s oft-used expression, “CHEA!” He just made it his own by dropping the “ch” for a “j” instead.
HAHAHAHA oh man Lochte, such a bro move.
WORST: USA Olympic hero Ryan Lochte wants to urinate on a national monument.
First of all, he refers to it as a “pool” because “it’s shaped like one, duh,” but that’s beside the point. Believe me, if he could, Lochte would pee on anything. ANYTHING. I have no doubt in my mind that he would walk right up to the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial and take a gigantic leak on it if his mom or someone weren’t there to tell him that isn’t ok. And yes, he actually needs people to tell him these things, otherwise he’s just like “YOLO!” and “TURNNNN IT UP!” and then he’s spraying urine EVERYWHERE.
And with the amount of booze this guy pounds, you know that’s a TON of piss.
BEST: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PEE YOUR PANTS! WARNING! HAZARDOUS!
Lochte’s mind goes into flashback mode and he recalls the only time he was nervous before a race. He ended up urinating in his trunks while on the starting block because he had to go soooooooo bad.
But thank you, thank you, thank you E! Network for actually having Lochte recreate the “Piss Race” scene while ACTUALLY PEEING IN HIS SWIM TRUNKS – ONE MORE TIME for the most real dramatization I’ve ever seen.
I especially enjoyed the 1) black bar over his crotchal area because WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT and 2) the fact that they need to remind some people to “not try this at home.”
Yes people, do not attempt to pee your pants. SOOOOOOOO DANGEROUS.
Well done, E! Network production staff. Well done, I say.
BEST: Abraham Lincoln is Lochte’s favorite president.
WORST: Abraham Lincoln is Lochte’s favorite president…because he has “mad swag.”
The look of disappointment on the face of Lochte’s mom was priceless. You know she thought he was going to say “I love Lincoln because he freed the slaves!!!” but no, it’s because he’s the only President who can “rock a top hat.”
Seriously, between his clothes obsession and the catchphrases he steals from rappers, Lochte is the white Tom Haverford from NBC’s Parks and Rec.
WORST: Photo crop and depth of field much?
Lochte wants his mom to take a photo of him in front of the Lincoln Memorial, except that he wants it to look like he has his arm around the back of Lincoln’s head. Instead, his mom shoots this photo:
“Not even close,” she says. Yeah, we know, but YOU took the photo. You seriously have no viewfinder on that camera? It looks like Lochte is about to pimp slap President Lincoln.
Nevertheless, Lochte’s idea was doomed from the start. He did not consider that if he wanted it to look like he had his arm around Lincoln, that his arm would actually need to be BEHIND the statue.
Now it looks like he’s elbowing Lincoln in the face. MAD SWAG!
BEST: Lochte takes an appropriate photo in front of the Washington Monument.
I was pleasantly surprised when Lochte didn’t take the photo I thought he would in front of the Washington Monument. You know, where he lies down on the ground and pretends the tower is a penis. Nope, Ryan stayed classy and took a photo where it looks like he’s touching the top.
WORST: …it kind of looks like he’s saluting Hitler.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went on a date with his mom?”
SUMMARY: After a long day of sightseeing, Ryan takes his mom out for a relaxing drink at a local bar. Little does he know that a bunch of “really smart” girls lie in wait to do what any woman would dream of doing with Ryan Lochte in their presence: ask him questions about politics.
WORST: Nice try, E! Network.
For all the promoting they have Lochte doing for his show, the E! Network show producers still seem determined to make Ryan seem like the biggest idiot to walk the face of the earth. But the joke is on them. Lochte might be fully aware how stupid he is and could absolutely care less. He’s not ashamed of himself at all. He’s an open book – even if that book happens to be a children’s novel with scribbles on half the pages.
So when they set him up and force him to answer political questions from a group of “smart” D.C. chicks it just comes across as mean-spirited.
WORST: Who really, truly knows that much about Obamacare?
Answer: hardly anyone. No seriously, could you sit down and have a big lengthy debate about the benefits and drawbacks of President Obama’s healthcare reform? Could you even name three major details about the act? So before you sit there and mock the “simpleton” Lochte you better check yourself.
WORST: D.C. girls are not at all like Ann Coulter.
Now Lochte thinks all the women in D.C. talk about is politics and serious issues. I’ve been there, and you know what type of D.C. women like to talk about politics? POLITICIANS.
Look at these girls? They don’t know any more about reducing carbon emissions than my cat does. I bet they come to this same bar every night, sip on their Cosmopolitans, and complain to each other how they don’t have a boyfriend. You’re looking at D.C.’s version of the Sex and the City chicks.
Plus, Lochte’s not going to go for a girl who’s super smart. He likes girls that he can do body shots off of, or who don’t know what won-tons are.
BEST: His Pope joke was off the chain.
Chubby blonde: “And then the Pope goes and resigns.”
Lochte: “I guess you can call him Ex-Benedict.”
[ba dum dum – crash]
BEST: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Ryan returns from his political debate to find some guy hitting on his mom at the bar.
Hey, when you’re a Lochte, the people come to you. Am I Right!!!!!
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he gave a speech?”
SUMMARY: Lochte’s real reason for visiting Washington, D.C. – his speech for the Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy fundraiser. His mom dresses him.
BEST: The dancing banana.
Lochte reveals what happens when his mind suddenly goes blank: He sees a dancing banana in his head.
… … … …
There are no words.
WORST: A self-proclaimed fashion expert…
…has NO IDEA how to tie a tie. None.
Hey, at least he’s not a gun enthusiast.
BEST: He pronounced “Muscular Dystrophy” correctly every time.
This absolutely shocked me, particularly since he seems to struggle with much simpler words like “emphasis” (empanis) or “women” (woman).
My only guess is that it actually took him about 50 takes to say it correctly and the director is like “Ok, got it!” and then they just plug-in that audio snippet whenever he has to say it again at the speech.
At least that’s what I would do.
WORST: “I represent a charity that’s really close to me.”
Some really distant relative of his actually died from Muscular Dystrophy, so I doubt he was that close to, or even knew who this family member was at all.
It almost sounds like the Lochtes had to find a charity to get behind and this was the only disease they could think of that a family member had.
BEST: Ryan wishes all these kids who suffer from Muscular Dystrophy could have the use of their legs…
…to experience all the things that he can, like riding on a skateboard behind your brother’s car, drunk golf, throwing interceptions in flag football, oh and maybe swimming too. Yeah, definitely swimming.
BEST: Lochte is in his own element around the kids.
All jokes aside, Ryan Lochte has a heart of gold. He took a moment to share personal time with each kid and made them feel special. This one kid, Sam, even told Lochte he wanted to be a professional swimmer. Lochte gave him a free pair of goggles – LOCHTE goggles. Gotta plug the brand.
BEST: He held the microphone – yes, the one you’re supposed to clip onto your shirt – like this during his entire speech.
BEST: Lochte buys his mom a new car.
Which is no problem for him. He made $5 million off the word “JEAH!”
Check back next week, where we finally get the meet the mysterious “Jaimee” – the only girl that Ryan’s family has ever liked.
“JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!”
Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.
If you like to discuss the Obamacare Act, then check out our Facebook page and/or follow me on Twitter @dirtyofthesouth