When we last left Ryan Lochte he was forced to deal with the “disappearance” of his semi-girlfriend and long-distance love interest, Jaimee. How will Ryan Lochte react to this heartbreaking goodbye? Well, the official E! title for this episode is “What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he got plastered?” so that should give you a clue.
Now you might think this means Ryan and the Lochterage are going to spend the entire episode getting mind-numbingly drunk – which, yes they totally do – but that’s only the half of it. You see, unbeknownst to Ryan, but beknownst to us, the word “plastered” has multiple meanings, and the city of Gainesville is about to erect their own version of the Statue of Liberty – except this Statue of Liberty is much smaller and has exposed nipples.
Ever heard the expression “Once you go black, you never go back?” Well, if Ryan Lochte has I’m sure he’s already tried to trademark it. We also see the beginnings of Ryan’s relationship with fellow Olympian Chantae McMillan. And yes, of course she’s black…her name is Chantae.
Yes, there are many story lines going on at once – including the death of a Lochte family heirloom – but that’s just a typical look into the life of a Lochte.
Let’s sit back and see what happens as we meet the cast of episode four:
“ABS OF STEEL” LOCHTE
Now that Jaimee “disappeared” Lochte is totally into black chicks and doing bro stuff again.
Eats a bunch of bananas and Sprite just to prove he can puke in the name of science.
THE GENE “-IOUS”
Tries to get Lochte to focus on some new business ideas. He has a new girlfriend too.[/caption]
An Olympic heptathlete and female Lochterage member. Ryan “talks black” around her.
Manager of 101 Downtown, Ryan’s favorite night club. Wants Lochte swag to hang on the wall.
LOCHTERAGE “BRO #1”
One of the worst members of the Locheterage, but gets some decent screen time.
LOCHTERAGE “BRO #2”
I’m pretty sure this guy’s sole purpose in the Lochterage is to laugh at ALL of Ryan’s jokes.
Owner of House of Plaster. He can’t wait to get his hands on Lochte’s chiseled body.
Hired for exactly one day at House of Plaster so she could oil up Lochte’s body for the mold.
THE UNDER “TOW” KER
Comes to take away Devon Lochte’s old, beat up scooter. Tears are shed.
Courtney is Devon Lochte’s long-time girlfriend. Likes a guy who can puke up bananas.
Gene’s new girlfriend Morgan is probably the luckiest girl in the whole, wide world.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he watched his brother Devon take the Banana Challenge?”
SUMMARY: Devon decides to do a little experiment by downing three bananas and then drinking some Sprite, and yes, he TOTALLY throws up. Their mom gets pissed. The bros high-five in the name of science.
WORST: “Different” doesn’t always equate with being “good.”
Lochte continues to amaze me with his self-appointed sense of “high fashion.” In this opening scene he’s rockin’ the same horrible plaid vest your grandpa would wear to a Christmas party, and in the last episode we see Ryan donning a pair of fluorescent green, flower-covered, teddy bear shoes that had probably been to about 200 Grateful Dead concerts.
Neither of these things look good for anyone to wear, and I legitimately fear for the success of his fashion line. Can he get away with pumping out a bunch of t-shirts with “TURN IT UP!” and “#LOCHTENATION” plastered all over them? Absolutely. Other bros like him will buy truckloads of those things.
But seriously, Lochte, Lady Gaga wouldn’t wear this garbage.
WORST: “I know his a** don’t eat no bananas!”
I respect Lochte for being a fantastic bro – and honestly one of the best bros to ever live – but when he starts trying to “talk ghetto” it’s worse than his fashion sense. And yes, there’s a black girl he likes in this episode so his “black-cent” comes out quite often. It’s horrible.
BEST: The Lochte boys LOVE to vomit.
Devon Lochte decides to take the “Banana Challenge” because, TESTING THEORIES! And also because they are always looking for new and creative ways to throw up. Knocking down a bunch of shots at a night club and then falling asleep in their own puke is commonplace for these guys.
I love how Ryan acts like he’s never seen anyone throw up before. Bro … VOMITING IS YOUR LIFE!
“Proving science actually works!” – Ryan Lochte
Seriously, where are their Copley medals?
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a business meeting with Gene?”
SUMMARY: Gene needs some new marketing ideas from Ryan, so he calls a meeting of the Lochterage executives. Lochte wants to make babies more stylish.
WORST: Lochte thinks he’s the only person who wakes up early or has goals.
And by “early” I mean 5:30 in the morning.
“If I sleep in like everyone else, I won’t accomplish my goals.”
Never mind that TONS of people wake up that early…or earlier. Like, pretty much most people with jobs are up by 6:00am, and they have to go sit in an office, or go to boring meetings, or drive a car around, or…you get the point. Lochte has to wake up and go swimming and lift weights. His “job” is basically working out for a few hours a day, and then he gets to go pound body shots off the stomachs of all the University of Florida co-eds because, goals.
BEST: Lochte plays Call of Duty during his meeting with Gene.
Look at Gene all official with his pad and pen. Gene, I love you man, but you should know better. This is not your normal business meeting…this is a LOCHTE business meeting, where a couple of bros get together and just shoot the breeze over a case of Coors Light. There are no concrete ideas or innovations discussed at a LOCHTE business meeting – just things someone would dream up just before they passed out.
I love Lochte’s demeanor here. He tries to act like he’s Willy Wonka or the zany dad from Silver Spoons. He can’t possibly take anything seriously because “that’s NOT how Lochte works best.”
WORST: Lochte wants babies to “look like pimps.”
And this is probably example #4,567 why Lochte’s business meetings are so unproductive. His only idea is that he wants to create an entire baby line of clothes, but not “lame, normal-looking” clothes. No, these babies should dress with some swagger.
To which Gene responds with this:
Regular, cute babies aren’t good enough for Lochte. He wants them to all look like Lil’ Wayne.
The good news is that most babies will totally know what the word “SWOAH” means.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went to a club with the Lochterage?”
SUMMARY: To take a break from his stressful life of swimming and playing video games, Ryan joins the Lochterage for a night out at 101 Downtown, his favorite night club in Gainesville. TURRRRRN IT UUUUUPP!” ensues.
I dare you to find me a better couple of bros in the entire world. Good luck with that.
WORST: Ryan doesn’t obey sanitation laws.
He spends the entire night drinking out of the same white styrofoam cup that he brought in with him from the limousine. That’s got to be some sort of health code violation.
BEST: There’s a black FEMALE member of the Lochterage.
In further efforts to promote diversity and equality, Ryan introduces us to Chantae McMillan, a full-fledged Lochterage member and Olympic Heptathlon competitor.
And Lochte also has his eye on Chantae because he can “totally be himself around her.” Wow, for her own sake I really hope Jaimee never watches this show.
This also brings the total number of black Lochterage members to four. You KNOW Martin Luther King is loving this. DREAM = FULFILLED.
BEST: Gene is full of good ideas.
Alex, the 101 Downtown Club Manager, tells Lochte that the club is “his home” because of course Ryan could probably pass out and spend the night there any time he wants. However, Alex wants something of Lochte’s to hang on the wall, and no…it better not be one of Ryan’s #LOCHTENATION t-shirts. Lochte offers up a pink Speedo, but Alex is smart and knows the Speedo is only good if Lochte is wearing it. Gene just chimes in with “give me a couple of days” and that’s all Lochte needs to hear.
Seriously, why does it seem like Gene is one who comes up with all the good ideas? Why is this called the Lochterage? It should be called the “Gene Pool” because, get it? “Gene” is his name, and then “pool” because Ryan swims.
Yep, that will totally stick.
BEST/WORST: Ryan wakes up the next morning at his house.
…But never made it to his bed. He slept on the stairs instead. In semi-creepy fashion, key members of the Lochterage are already sitting on his couch, waiting for him to wake up. How very un-bro of them to not carry Lochte to his bed. Gene totally dropped the ball on this one.
WORST: Like his fashion, Lochte thinks his Twitter posts are the bees knees.
Lochte discovers that he had accidentally “butt-tweeted” the night before. Of course, five years ago this would have meant something different, but now we know that means he probably unintentionally created some illegible post on Twitter while his phone was in his back pocket.
I will say it’s impressive that he can still spell out the word “dope” while butt-tweeting, and I love how Twitter offers to translate it for me. I’m sure it means “TURRNNN IT UPPPP!” in Vietnamese.
Anyway, this leads to a conversation about how awesome and deep he thinks he sounds on Twitter:
“Twitter is just another way you can communicate to your fans. And I’m not like everyone else. I’m not going to write those boring tweets. I’m going to do something different, OF COURSE.” [rolls eyes]
And then he goes and tweets some “deep, original” things like this:
Quick! Someone put those on a Hallmark card.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if his brother’s scooter broke down?”
SUMMARY: The famous Lochte scooter breaks down for good. The Lochterage bro with the 1980s George Michael beard tries to fix it, but Ryan has other plans.
WORST: “Every family has something that’s passed on from generation to generation.”
Here’s the “long” history of the Lochte scooter: Ryan bought the scooter, used it, and then gave it to Devon.
That is NOT a family heirloom, that is a hand-me-down.
WORST-ER: You don’t throw away family heirlooms.
It’s not their great grandmother’s wedding dress, or grandpa’s gold watch he used during World War II – it’s a scooter. Not even a scooter that their great-uncle drove through Europe, or something like that. Nope…just a scooter.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he visited a sculpture artist?”
SUMMARY: Lochte, accompanied by Gene and black bro #2, visits House of Plaster to create his masterpiece – a sculpture of himself.
BEST: Lochte imagines big, but doesn’t think big.
In true Lochte form, Ryan immediately wants to copy the famous “Thinking Man” statue. However, I think he forgot that this will be hanging up in a night club in Gainesville, Florida so about 98% of the people would be like “Ryan Lochte is Tebowing!!!!!”
Oh, and because no one is going to EVER associate Ryan Lochte with someone thinking.
WORST: “I hate to say it, but the Lochte abs ARE famous.”
Gene’s idea is to just do a mold of Ryan’s chest and stomach, because OF COURSE HE DOES! Gene knows Lochte’s audience and fans better than Ryan does. Here’s what people want from Lochte: 1) win gold medals, and 2) take his shirt off.
“I go to talk shows in a full suit, and they just want me to lift up my shirt, so I’m just like: Alright, here we go.”
So Lochte, don’t play it off like having a great body is some cross for you to bear. That’s just like those girls who have big boobs, but complain about all the attention they get when they wear a low-cut shirt.
BEST: Strike up the 70s porn music!
No sooner does Lochte finish whining about the curse of his fabulous abs, that he’s taking his shirt off so the mildly attractive girl can rub lotion on him.
Also, there is NO WAY this girl worked at House of Plaster before today. I can just imagine the ad they had to put in the paper:
WORST: “Has anyone ever died from this?!”
Lochte starts to freak out because from the weight of the plaster on his chest, and this is everyone’s response:
I wouldn’t be laughting, Lochterage! Ryan is your bread and butter. You know, between this and letting him pass out on the stairs I’d say you’re 0-2 in protecting your bro leader. FAIL, Lochterage. FAIL.
BEST: Lochte doesn’t need drugs or alcohol to say awesome things.
Two of the best Lochte quotes while he’s waiting for the plaster to harden:
“Is this what you do to mummies?”
Yes, because we’re in ancient Egypt, and…
“Is this going to rip my nipples off?”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he performed his famous trick?”
SUMMARY: Ryan shows Gene, Devon and their girlfriends his swim cap trick and hilarity ensues.
BEST: Well done, Gene. (and I guess Devon too).
Say what you want about the Lochterage, but these bros know their women. They’re connoisseurs that way.
WORST: Sometimes “knowing” women doesn’t always translate into “knowing” women.
I’m sure Gene and Devon’s girlfriends (Morgan and Courtney, respectively) would want nothing more than to watch Ryan and Gene play the Xbox, while only one of the girls gets to sit comfortably in one of the three leather chairs.
I’m not totally convinced “What Women Want” is Lochte’s favorite movie.
WORST: The “famous” Lochte swim cap trick…
…is basically Howie Mandel’s glove exploding on his head trick from the mid-80s. So Lochte not only steals catchphrases from rappers, but also stupid gags from comedians.
BEST: “I almost have three lungs.”
Now only if he had three nipples, then we wouldn’t worry about the plaster tearing them off.
What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went ziplining?”
SUMMARY: Lochte takes the Lochterage on a high risk adventure to Canyons Ziplining, a place normally reserved for teenage boys to take their dates. He challenges Chantae to a race. Chantae is black.
BEST: Lochte’s t-shirts are simple, direct, stupid, and soooooo obvious…
…but they work. When he has to wake up early for swim practice, he wears his “I Am Swimming” shirt. When he plays drunk golf, he rocks the “Golf Sucks” one. So naturally when he goes out in public the “Yes It’s Me” works like a charm. He answers your question before you can even ask it, even if it wasn’t “Hey, aren’t you Ryan Lochte?”
WORST: Group tattoos.
I’m not much of a “tattoo guy” but I have nothing against someone who wants to get one. That being said, I stand firmly against people who get group tattoos. Case in point:
Those guys aren’t even Asian, so for all they know those tattoos read “Massive Douchebag” in Japanese. Group tattoos are just a terrible idea, and are a perfect example of when you’re mom used to say “Well, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you too?”
Yes, those kids all would, but I guess that’s ok.
You also see that both Ryan and Chantae are sporting Olympic ring tattoos on their right biceps, which leads me to believe that group tattoo-ing happened at the London Olympics. They may as well have taken steroids. No, actually taking steroids would have even been a better idea.
WORST: Lochte doesn’t know his shapes.
Ryan is trying to describe why he likes Chantae, but can’t remember what event she competed in during the Olympics. He starts naming every single shape he can think of. And man, I was SOOOO disappointed that he didn’t throw out a “Rhombus” or a “Rectangulon,” but he does say “Octagon” which is at least associated with another sport.
BEST: Lochte flirts like a first grader.
Ryan is totally into Chantae, but the only way he knows how to flirt with her is by beating her at races, insulting her, and stuffing S’mores into her mouth.
Seriously, if she had piggy tails he would probably pull those too.
WORST: Lochte trivia.
Lochte reveals that his dream job was to be an accountant because he “likes dealing with money.”
Except that when you’re an accountant you don’t typically see any actual cash. You do people’s taxes, and you’re dealing with other’s people’s money, not your own. I think what he meant to say is that he wanted to be a bank teller…for his own bank account. That’s his dream job.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…for the premiere of his body sculpture?”
SUMMARY: The entire Lochterage heads back to 101 Downtown for the big reveal of Ryan’s chest and abs sculpture. Lochte vows revenge on Gene.
BEST: The Lochte Pre-game is better than the game.
“Who is the best dancer in the Lochterage?”
You’d think with three black guys and a Cuban that there’s NO WAY Ryan is the best dancer, but hey…judge for yourself:
Holy crap, did we just get served?
BEST: Ryan hates his sculpture.
This is the first, and might be the ONLY time that Ryan Lochte will ever do something that I didn’t expect him to do. I thought for sure he would LOVE seeing his famous Lochte abs as a permanent edition to someone’s wall, but you can tell Ryan was legitimately embarrassed to see it.
Actually no…wait. I think he was mad at all the attention the sculpture was getting. HAHAHAHAHAH! Yep, Ryan Lochte is actually jealous…of himself.
Oh man, Lochte, you’re the worst.
WORST: “From what I’ve heard, I am a sex symbol.”
“From what I’ve heard, I am fast.” – Usain Bolt
I don’t know why Lochte continues to act to naïve about his chiseled body and ridiculously good looks. He had no trouble saying how he was the “fastest human in the water” – even though it’s technically NOT true – but when it comes to talking about his sex symbol status he acts like it’s breaking news. It’s like he’s one of those “nerdy” chicks in movies that suddenly realize how hot they are once they take off their glasses and let their hair down.
Join me next week as Ryan Lochte visits Los Angeles, where he gets a hot dog named after him and apparently hooks up with Carmen Electra because, duh…Baywatch.
JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!
Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.
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