“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” – Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em

If last week’s Hollywood trip showcased the high points of Ryan Lochte’s life as Olympic champion and “King of the Bros,” then be prepared for a massive letdown for episode six of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Lochte is down, people! I repeat: LOCHTE IS DOWN!

Most people have heard the famous line from that Police song: “If you love someone, set them free,” but for anyone who’s been in a serious relationship it’s easier said than done. If your relationship isn’t that serious there’s another saying that’s not as famous: “If you kind of like someone, break up with them in the most cowardly way possible.”

Yeah, so try making that into a song lyric, Sting.

How will Ryan deal with the inevitable? Soak himself in alcohol? Probably.

Here’s the cast of episode six:

Ryan Lochte breaks up with Jaimee on WWRLD.
“SAD” LOCHTE
Ryan never needs a reason to drown himself in alcohol, but now he has a good one.
Devon Lochte goes paintballing and learns about fashion from Ryan Lochte on WWRLD.
“CAMO” DEVON
Learns about fashion from someone who dresses exactly like he does. Showers with dogs.
Gene goes paintballing and wins a bet on WWRLD.
“G.I.” GENE
Finally gets his chance to paint Lochte’s behind after winning yet ANOTHER bet from Ryan.
Uncle Rick eats 50 wings in under 30 minutes with Ryan Lochte on WWRLD.
UNCLE “RICK-O”
Voluntarily eats 50 hot wings because of course he does. That’s Lochtese for “appetizer.”
Ryan Lochte's dog Carter on WWRLD pees on the bed.
“DOGGYSTLE” CARTER
The real Lochte dog takes a huge piss on Ryan’s bed. Does not come with a side of fries.
Jaimee breaks up with Ryan on Skype on WWRLD.
“SKYPE” JAIMEE
Our last image of Lochte’s long distance girlfriend looks like she’s a Taliban prisoner.
RYAN Lochte's mom Ike gets ready for a photo shoot on WWRLD.
“NAGGY” IKE
Let me guess…she gets on Ryan’s back about something and makes lots of worried faces.
Ryan Lochte's sister Kristen on WWRLD.
“NAGGY 2.0” KRISTIN
“Oh awesome, Kristin is in this episode! Should be a good one!” said no one, ever.
ryan lochte's sister Megan poses for a photo shoot on WWRLD.
“OTHER SISTER” MEGAN
Does some really “fun, quirky” things in this episode because she has a polka-dotted scarf.

 “What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he ate hot wings with the Lochterage?”

SUMMARY: Lochte gets the Lochterage together for some all-you-can-eat hot wings at Gator’s Dockside. Uncle Rick almost bites off more than he can chew in a bet with Ryan. Gene brings up “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” and Ryan nearly chokes because, commitment.

WORST: Uhhhh, when were you going to tell us.

So, if there are plot twists on “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” we have the first big news of episode six. It’s finally revealed that the “1980s George Michael beard” bro is actually “Rick,” Ryan’s uncle. Huh? This would have been great information to know oh, I don’t know…around the first couple episodes, but whatever E! Network.

You could have saved me from having to make fun of this guy for being a freeloader trying to mooch off of Lochte’s fame. Now that I know he’s family it’s suddenly less “moochy” for some reason – like you’d expect him to be on the show because “HEEEEEY, IT’S FUN UNCLE RICK, EVERYONE!”

Or, just maybe (and I hope I’m right) he’s not really Ryan’s Uncle Rick, but he’s “Uncle Rick” and they just call him that because he likes to lie about things he wasn’t good at like another famous uncle we all know:

Ryan Lochte has an Uncle Rick in the Lochterage on WWRLD.

If we find out “Uncle Rick” used to be a Tupperware salesman don’t say I didn’t warn you.

BEST: Gene is suddenly Barbara Walters.

The first topic of conversation isn’t “how much they drank last night,” or “how hot Kate Upton is” but Gene dropping a “So, how’s Jaimee?” bomb right in Lochte’s grill. Ryan can only respond by nearly choking to death on his suicide wings.

Gene asks Ryan Lochte about Jaimee and Ryan chokes on a hot wing on WWRLD.

Seriously, Gene. Keep it light, bro. We’re all trying to eat.

However, to be fair to Gene, Lochte doesn’t need to act like he’s at Hogwarts and someone just said “Voldemort.” It’s a legit question.

WORST: You can’t bet against the house with house money.

Lochte challenges Uncle Rick to eat 50 of the suicide wings in less than 30 minutes. If he does, Ryan will pay for his lunch. Uncle Rick decides to up the ante and bets Lochte $1,000 dollars that he can do it. Lochte accepts, because why not lose another bet.

There are a couple issues here. First, here is the probable order of who was going to actually buy Uncle Rick’s lunch anyway:

1) E! Network
2) Ryan Lochte
3) Gene
4) Uncle Rick

Second, Question: Where is Uncle Rick going to get $1,000? Answer: From Ryan. There’s no way Uncle Rick has a thousand bones lying around for him to pay off some stupid hot wing eating bet. He didn’t trademark “JEAH!” He doesn’t make t-shirts that say “SWOAH” on the back. And I didn’t see him making out with Carmen Electra either. My point is: Lochte wipes his but with $1,000 bills. Uncle Rick doesn’t.

Lochte was an idiot for taking this bet BTW. Either way he loses.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if his family came over for lunch?”

SUMMARY: All of Ryan’s family visits for a free lunch and another opportunity for them to complain about everything he does. They plan their big photo shoot.

BEST: Lochte should loan his fridge to Hollywood.

It might have cost a little extra to check it on the plane, but Ryan made a big mistake by not bringing his refrigerator to L.A. with him. Seriously, look at that thing:

Ryan Lochte's fridge has a bunch of old food on WWRLD.

He could have sold this to any Hollywood director for a prop. It’s like the perfect “bachelor fridge” that you always see in the movies, where the guy only has a bottle of ketchup, some old Chinese food and a six pack of beer.

And where is the six pack of beer in Ryan’s fridge, you ask? People, this is a LOCHTE fridge! The beer never makes it there.

WORST: If you’re on the Lotche Christmas card list, prepare to be disappointed.

Devon Lochte wears white when the Lochte family wears all black for the Christmas card.

Here is their card from 2012. There are so many things wrong with it – the lighting, their positioning, the cropping –  that their decision to wear all black doesn’t seem as bad as it really is. BUT BLACK? Look, I know black is slimming, but it’s not like the Lochte’s are going to be on Biggest Loser: Family Edition anytime soon.

All black should only be worn by the following people:

1) funeral attendees
2) mimes
3) cat burglers
4) goths
5) ninjas
6) stage hands
7) the Blue Man Group
8) German graphic designers

That’s it.

Whether he did it on purpose or not, bravo to Devon for being the only one to wear white, and for those two little Lochte toddlers for mixing it up with some plaid.

WORST: Stop telling your family about EVERY girl you go out with.

“My son only has time for one night stands.” – Ryan’s mom

Lochte needs to understand that just because you hook-up with some random chick at a party, or even get as far as to take her out for sushi, that he doesn’t need to tell his mom about it. I mean, after a while wouldn’t you just want to throw up after hearing about about all the girls your son has slept with? “Oh cool, Ryan, you had sex with five more chicks! JEAH! Is that how you say it?”

No…only tell your mom about the girls you are serious about, or at least the ones who’s names you remember. Those ones.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if the Lochterage went paintballing?”

SUMMARY: Ryan and the Lochterage head out to First Strike  for a not-so-friendly round of paintball. And as always, bets are made, and of course…Lochte loses.

BEST: Things are already gettin’ REAL.

In an awesome act of betrayal, Courtney picks Ryan first to be on her team instead of her own boyfriend – and Lochte’s brother – Devon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And why did she do this? Well, because according to Ryan he’s the “fastest gun in the West.”

They live in Florida.

BEST-ER: Lochte gonna twist some caps, son!

Gene and Ryan make best 2-out-of-3 bet as they are on opposing paintball teams. The winner gets to shoot loser in the butt at point blank range. Lochte then suddenly turns into Doughboy from Boyz in the Hood and tries to pump his team up with some gangsta talk:

Ryan Lochte says let's make this rain during paintball on WWRLD.

Except, doesn’t “makin’ it rain” mean you’re earning a lot of money? I’m not sure what that has to do with paintball.

WORST: This isn’t Call of Duty or Halo.

Gene’s team dominates Ryan in round one, thanks to Gene’s sniper shot on Lochte as he tries to take cover behind a metal barrel. Ryan calls it “the luckiest shot in the world” even though this was his idea of protecting himself:

Ryan Lochte loses round one in paintball to Gene on WWRLD.

Lochte also thinks only “head shots should count.”

WORST-ER: Dress for the occasion

Why does Ryan, Devon and the Lochterage go to bars and clubs dressed like No Limit Soldiers, completely decked out in camouflage gear, but then when it comes time to do something that ACTUALLY calls for you to dress in camouflage – like paintball – this is what they wear:

Ryan Lochte and the Lochterage wear camouflage during a paintball game on WWRLD.

And Devon – the KING of camouflage – only wore a camo baseball cap, which of course fit right under his black paintball mask.

BEST: Devon went back in time to the 1920s.

Either Devon thinks they’re living in the Prohibition era, or he just watched The Godfather marathon on TBS because he asks for a “Tommy Gun” from the First Strike manager when he wants to upgrade.

WORST: Note to self…NEVER take Lochte to Vegas.

Ryan hasn’t won a single bet since this show started except for the volleyball game, and I’m guessing his partner scored most of their points.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he took Devon clothes shopping?”

SUMMARY: Ryan is embarrassed of Devon’s wardrobe choices for the photo shoot, even though all the clothes look like ones that Lochte would wear. He takes Devon shopping at a “really fancy place,” so you know they went to the mall.

WORST: Lochte has terrible self-awareness.

Ryan’s dog, Carter, takes a GIGANTIC piss on Devon’s bed and Lochte acts like it’s the most disgusting thing he’s ever seen in his life, yet he doesn’t think twice about urinating in a swimming pool where TONS of other people swim. Yeah…that’s actually way worse since Devon’s the only one who sleeps in that bed and you can wash the sheets. You can’t wash the piss out of a pool.

Devon shows Ryan his clothing choices, and unless their big photo shoot is Army-themed then Devon has NOTHING to wear. Ryan then lectures Devon about his clothes:

“You’re a Lochte. You gotta dress like a Lochte.”

LOL, What?! I’ve seen Ryan wear all of those exact same things.

BEST: Devon keeps it real.

Devon Lochte has broke college style for his clothes on WWRLD.

Unlike Ryan, Devon doesn’t try and act like he’s Gianni Versace and calls his fashion sense “Broke College Style.”

BEST: White men CAN jump, just not high enough.

Ryan Lochte tries to dunk a basketball on WWRLD.

But Gene LOVES it, and that makes it worth trying.

WORST: Devon is the envy of all middle schoolers.

To prove his point about being a fashion expert, Lochte takes Devon on a shopping spree to the mecca of the fashion world – Zumiez – and you could hear the jealous cries of 13-year old skaters all around the world.

Ryan Lochte takes his brother Devon shopping at Zumiez.

“This going to be a game-changer for you, Devon.” – Ryan Lochte

BEST: Protect “the region” at all costs.

“Nothing’s better than basketball shorts.” – Devon Lochte

This might be controversial, but I’ve got to agree with Devon about guys wearing skinny jeans. True, there are tons of dudes who wear them – mostly hipsters and skaters – but it’s just one of those things that doesn’t look right to me.

skinny_jeans_are_for_girls_not_guys-242040

However, I DO support skinny jeans on Devon if he continues to do those lunges in them.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…on a photo shoot with his family?”

SUMMARY: Lochte and the family get together for another photo shoot. Everyone except Ryan is nervous. He chokes Devon.

BEST: “Say cheese!”

Ryan Lochte yells jeah on a photo shoot.

Lochte actually screams “JEAH!” at the top of his lungs during his photo shoot and woke up like every animal and person in a 3-mile radius. Then he caps it off with this fabulous King Tut dance:

Ryan Lochte does a king tut dance during his photo shoot on WWRLD.

WORST: Meanwhile his annoying sisters…

…are doing crap like this:

Megan Lochte posing weird for photo shoot on WWRLD.

Which reminded me a lot of this:

george-bluth-sr-chicken-dance-arrested-development

BEST: Lochte is not amused.

Megan delivers the best line of the episode, surprisingly.

Megan asks Ryan Lochte to please put a shirt on WWRLD.

Seriously, Lochte is going to be one of those old dudes who walks around naked in the men’s locker room.

BEST: Here’s comes another $5 million!

Lochte made up a new word – SCIRM – which is a combination of “scared” and “squirm.” No seriously, he did. I checked Urban Dictionary.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he broke up with Jaimee?”

SUMMARY: Ryan makes his weekly Skype video call to Jaimee, who still lives in London. They discuss their always complicated relationship, and of course get nowhere. She finally breaks up with him over the phone instead of in person because, “it’s complicated.”

BEST: Lochte DOES NOT negotiate with terrorists.

Ryan says that since he and Jaimee can’t meet face-to-face, that talking via video Skype is the next best thing. He’s right, but seeing her on the computer screen felt like watching an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer and Chloe are trying to get information from the Taliban.

Ryan Lochte and Jaimee Skype on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

WORST: Let me translate for you.

So basically Jaimee and Ryan’s relationship conversations always take the same boring, nebulous route: we are together for a week, then we’re friends, where is this going? blah, blah, blah, blah. However, there is much more than meets the eye. Here’s what they’re REALLY saying to each other:

“I saved those roses you gave me. I dried them out and flattened them in a book so they’ll never die. They look really cute.” – Jaimee

TRANSLATION: “I don’t forget about you when we’re apart. How’s Carmen Electra?”

“Oh, that’s pretty awesome.” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “I don’t remember giving you roses, and I could care less what you did with them.”

“My family is always asking what’s going to happen with you and Jaimee?” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “I’m going to let YOU break up with ME.”

“I have the same question.” – Jaimee

TRANSLATION: “Uh, you’re the one who can’t even cook a pizza. You tell me first.”

“We’ve been doing this for three years. Every time you come see me it doesn’t get any easier when you leave.” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “I forget about you the second you get on that plane, but it’s your fault.”

“There’s so much that comes with you, but I can put up with all of that as long as we’re in it together. But I feel like…we’re not.”

TRANSLATION: “If I have to be with someone who says ‘JEAH!’ every 10th word then you’d better have a good reason for me to quit my sales manager job at Fossil.”

“I’m ready for a relationship. That’s what I really want.” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “She’s never going to move here, so let’s see if this scares her away.”

“We’ve never got a chance to see what a real relationship would be like.” – Jaimee

TRANSLATION: “How many Olympic medals do you really need?”

“I do want to move on with my life, and have a family and all of that, it’s just…it’s complicated.” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “If this doesn’t make her break up with me, then I don’t know what will.”

“We’re stuck. We can’t do it anymore. We either need to do something or I come out and say goodbye properly.” – Jaimee

TRANSLATION: “Can you just break it off right now? I don’t want to have to spend money on another plane ticket.”

“It’s killing both of us.” – Lochte

TRANSLATION: “Please kill me.”

BEST: How ironic…

…that Jaimee breaks up with Ryan while he’s at his favorite sushi place.

WORST: How tacky…

…that she went on and on about saying their goodbyes “properly” but then dumps him over the phone. That was very un-British of Jaimee. Seriously, why not just text him?

photo

This felt like in grade school when you’re “going out” with someone and they send their friend to go “break up” with you during recess.

Oh, so you don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that just happened to me.

WORST-EST: How unrealistic can you get?

Maybe someone needs to educate me on the rules of having a “reality” show, but I’m pretty sure the producers of a show are contractually entitled to record everything about your life – and I mean EVERYTHING – except for going to the bathroom, sleeping, and maybe having sex (though that never seemed to stop those skanks on the Real World).

So I’m sure I wasn’t the only one left confused when Lochte suddenly gets veto power to wave off the cameras when Jaimee called him on the phone to dump him.

Ryan Lochte waves off the E! cameras when Jaimee calls to break up with him over the phone on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

Why would you not want that filmed other than the threat of possible embarrassment? You’ve done WAY more humiliating things on this show, Lochte, and honestly capturing this moment probably would’ve helped your ratings. Sorry, but the truth hurts.

Here are some times Ryan probably should have waived the cameras off for, but didn’t:

1) When he couldn’t remember how many Olympic medals he’d won.
2) When he didn’t know how to talk about Obamacare with those D.C. chicks.
3) When he made a statue of his chest and abs.
4) Every time his mom says “JEAH!”

WORST: “Sad” Lochte…

…is very sad.

Ryan Lochte is sad after his break up with Jaimee.

Have fun explaining that one to the family. Oh wait, Ryan gets to do that in the next episode. He also trains for the World Championships and murders Nirvana.

JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!

Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.


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7 thoughts on ““What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” – Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”

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