Ryan Lochte poses for the Nirvana cover on what would ryan lochte do?

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” – The Brothers Lochte

What has Ryan Lochte said is always the most important thing? No, please don’t say “TURNING IT UUUPPP!” though I’m sure that has merit. It’s family. Family is the most important part of a Lochte’s life, and Ryan would do anything for their happiness. However, in episode seven of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” it feels like his family is dead set on ruining his.

Ryan Lochte has hopes and dreams beyond winning more gold medals at the Olympics, and honestly by the way he’s been training you could argue that he’s already looking well beyond Rio. He sees Los Angeles as the “promised land” for all of its opportunity, and probably because Carmen Electra lives there. Sometimes that’s all it takes for a boy to dream.

Devon Lochte also has dreams. He wants to swim alongside his brother at the Olympics despite taking the last three years off to stock up on his camouflage shirt collection.

Will “Master” Ryan give in to the pressures of his family and stay in Gainesville to train his young apprentice, Devon? Or will the sweet, enticing invitation of Carmen Electra be too much for Lochte to resist?

Let’s find out. Here’s the cast of episode seven:

Ryan Lochte trains his brother Devon on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“JEDI MASTER” LOCHTE
Dips back into the dating pool. Goes out with a Lochterage member who’s not Gene.
Devon Lochte wants to get back into swimming on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“PADAWAN” DEVON
Decides to start swimming again after a 3-year hiatus. Does not wear camouflage swim trunks.
Gene is Ryan Lochte's assistant on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“CONCERNED” GENE
Still worried about the possibility of Lochte moving to L.A. Turns up the “best bro” charm to 11.
Ike Lochte, Ryan Lochte's mom worries about him moving to L.A. and his girlfriend on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
IKE “DON’T LIKE THIS”
Between Ryan’s breakup with Jaimee and his possible move to L.A. Ike is a hot mess.
Kristin Lochte is mad Ryan broke up with Jaimee on Gene is Ryan Lochte's assistant on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“BABYFACE” KRISTIN
Interrogates Chantae before her casual first date with Ryan and becomes worst person ever.
Chantae Miller goes on a date with Ryan Lochte on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“NEW GIRL” CHANTAE
Not sure what’s worse: surviving an awkward date with Ryan, or having to meet his family.
Megan Lochte on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“NICE” MEGAN
The only sister who doesn’t rag on Lochte for all of his life decisions. Loves roller skating.
Matt is Ryan Lochte's physical trainer for the World Championships on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
“SWEATY” MATT
Ryan returns to Matt’s gym garage to prepare for the World Championships.
Dalia and Zaydin Lochte on Gene is Ryan Lochte's assistant on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
DALIA & ZAYDIN
Lochte’s crazy niece and nephew go berserk on nachos and act like an old married couple.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he recreated the Nirvana Nevermind album cover?”

SUMMARY: Lochte is invited by ESPN to recreate the famous album cover for Nirvana’s Nevermind. Yes, the one with the naked baby. And ladies – before you get all excited – he does NOT show his…uh…”Lochtes.”

BEST: Ryan always acts conflicted about his body.

I love how Lochte’s first thought about the photo shoot was not “Oh wow, JEAH! I get to recreate one of the best album covers of all time!!!” but it was “Everyone’s gonna see my wee-wee.” (And yes, he called it a wee-wee).

Now, of course that would never happen because it’s for ESPN and not Playgirl, but you could tell part of him was disappointed. I think he was actually kind of hoping to go Full Monty for the photo because “LOCHTES GO BIG OR GO HOME! or something like that (no pun intended).

Ryan Lochte's Nevermind cover next to the the original by Nirvana with the baby.

It reminded of how he acts “put out” to take his shirt off all the time to show off his abs, when in reality he would never wear a shirt a day in his life.

“At the end of the day I should have been naked. I ain’t got nothin’ to hide.” – Ryan Lochte

See.

WORST: The Lochte family discourages pool safety.

Ryan recounts a story about falling into the deep end of a pool when he was 3-years old:

“A normal 3-year old would have been crying, but I was laughing and having a good time. They pulled me out of the water, and that’s when I started crying. I jumped back in on my own.”

Uh, actually a normal 3-year old would have been DYING, not crying. They can’t swim.

And who lets a 3-year old jump BACK into – or even get near – the pool where they just nearly drowned?

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he trained for the World Championships?”

SUMMARY: Lochte is only a few months away from the World Championships, the second most important swimming event outside of the Olympics. And where does Lochte go for some world class training? Duh, Matt’s garage.

BEST: Matt has his sweat glands under control.

Last time we met Ryan’s strength training coach, Matt DeLancey, he looked like he had just stuffed himself inside a dishwasher on pots and pans mode:

Matt DeLancey is Ryan Lochte's strength training coach on What Would ryan lochte do?

But “World Championship” Matt looks quite different. Look at him all dry in his University of Florida colors. And you know he bought some Old Spice too. So professional.

BEST: Lochte states the obvious.

Ryan hasn’t trained as hard as he should have for the World Championships, and he doesn’t sugar coat it at all:

Ryan Lochte says "I'm f---ed" for the World Championships on What would ryan lochte do?

Say what you want about Lochte, but the dude is straight up honest.

WORST: Lochte is easily distracted.

So his fashion sense is kinda different sucky and he can only play golf when he’s drunk, but we can accept those things about Ryan as long as he does the things he’s good at REALLY well. The main “thing” is being one of the best swimmers in the world, so when we find out that he’s been slacking in his training because of “distractions” then all we want to do is instantly murder whatever those distractions are.

“I’ve gotten behind in my training because my life is so crazy right now. I just ended it with Jaimee, and that kind of hit me hard so I’ve been thinking about taking my friend, Chantae, on a date. To top it all off, my brother Devon wants to start swimming again, and I got happy. So yeah, I got a lot on my mind.” – Ryan Lochte

WE DON’T PAY YOU TO THINK, LOCHTE! WE PAY YOU TO SWIM!

No, seriously Ryan, don’t be the dog from UP.

dog-up

None of the things Ryan talked about should even remotely affect his training. Not a single one of these things are good excuses. Ok, so…

…He broke up with Jaimee: This looks bad on paper, but a) they were NOT exclusive and b) they only saw each other for one week a year. I see my Uncle Harold more than that. The other weeks of the year he was “friendzoned” (his words…not mine) and they Skyped periodically. So, basically Ryan lost his pen pal, not a girlfriend.

…He wants to date Chantae: Great! Go for it! But last time I checked she was also an Olympic athlete and is probably also training the same hours that Ryan is. Maybe you should each do your daily training and then meet up afterward for dinner? I feel like that’s reasonable.

…His brother Devon wants to start swimming again: Even if they are training together, which…**SPOILER ALERT**: they are, then I can only see this helping out Lochte’s performance instead of hurting it. He’s always talking about how he and his brother are SOOOOOO competitive,” so why not make their training sessions a contest?

Since Lochte is so honest, what he should have just said was: “I’m partying way too much and who are we kidding…I already have a ton of medals. If I win a few more I’m just going to hang them in my bathroom.” And then ended with a “JEAH!”

Ryan Lochte has a grill and says jeah!

I’d actually be fine that.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went to lunch with Gene and Devon?”

SUMMARY: The Lochterage administrative council meets at Wing House to discuss Ryan’s future plans. Lochte still talks about moving to Los Angeles, but struggles with the thought of leaving his family behind. And speaking of behinds…the waitresses at Wing House are barely wearing shorts.

BEST: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Ryan hates those “fancy dancy food places,” so the Lochterage decides to meet at Wing House for lunch, which is the exact opposite of a fancy restaurant.

ryan Lochte, Devon and Gene are greeted by the waitresses at Wing House on WWRLD.

Clearly there are MAJOR differences between Wing House and Hooters:

1. The Hooters girls wear tight, skimpy, orange shorts. The Wing House girls wear tight, skimpy, black shorts.

The waitress at Wing House serves Ryan lochte and the Lochterage on WWRLD.

2. The Hooters logo features an owl who’s eyes are shaped like a pair of boobs. The Wing House logo features a pair of wings…which probably become flying boobs if you look at them long enough.

3. The Hooters girl is someone who’s “clean, healthy, natural and vibrant.” The Wing House girl is someone who’s “a girl next door, and brilliant on the basics.”

4. The Hooters menu features…

Ok, I can’t do this anymore. They’re the same thing, people.

In fact, Wing House is such a clear ripoff of Hooters it reminded me of the McDowell’s restaurant in Coming to America. You know, “they have the Big Mac, and we have the Big Mick.”

mcdowells-jeah

Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to have a burger phone right now.

WORST: The grass is not always greener.

Lochte goes on and on about how there are “thousands” of beautiful girls in Los Angeles. Yes, that’s true since L.A. is one of the largest cities in the nation, but how do you know that guys on the west coast aren’t saying the same thing about girls in the South? **SPOILER ALERT**: That’s exactly what they’re saying.

According to most guys, girls are almost always “hotter” somewhere else. Is it true? No. It’s just our way of fantasizing about the unknown. You know how guys always want more.

My point is, there are beautiful women EVERYWHERE, not just in Los Angeles. Well, everywhere except North Dakota. I’ve never heard anyone say “Man, North Dakota! Now, THAT’S where the ladies are at!!!”

Calm down, hot North Dakota chicks. I’m kidding.

BEST/WORST: Typecasting is a double-edged sword.

One of the reasons Lochte wants to move to Hollywood is to start an acting career. This concerns me for two reasons:

1) Ryan’s only previous acting experience includes a couple cameo appearances on 90210 and 30 Rock.

On 90210 Lochte appeared “as himself” and hooks up with Kelly(?)…or Brenda(?)…or one of those chicks on a camping trip. So yes, a HUGE acting stretch for Ryan: he plays himself and macks on a girl. If he’s not nominated for an Emmy…we riot.

I love how he wants to challenge Phelps on the ropes course – a TEAM building activity.

On 30 Rock Lochte played the role of “sex idiot” to Serena, one of Jack Donaghy’s many girlfriends. Or in other words, once again Ryan appeared “as himself.”

I wonder what old person wanted his shirt. Did he run into Carmen Electra again?

My point is, you’re not going to get any longevity out of your acting career if you’re always “playing yourself” in 30-second cameos. No matter how great your abs look, you can only get so much mileage out of those suckers before everyone’s like “ok bro, we get it. I can wash my clothes on your stomach.”

So please, Ryan – for the love of humanity – don’t become “the Situation” from Jersey Shore.

Ryan Lochte plays a sex idiot on 30 Rock.

That being said, you CAN make a long acting career out of playing a certain type of character – just not yourself. For instance, how many times has Gary Oldman played a villain? Millions. How many times has Morgan Freeman played the “wise, old sage?” Uh, like pretty much every movie. And how often have we seen the director just tell Megan Fox to “stand over there, don’t talk too much, and oh…take your shirt off.” Exactly.

Ok, so I guess Lochte probably has a future in movies after all.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went rollerskating with his family?”

SUMMARY: The Lochte family gets together for a crazy night of rollerskating and it’s all fun and games until Ryan breaks the news about Jaimee. Hilarity DOES NOT ensue, but panic does.

WORST: It’s “Gator Country!”

The Lochtes go to Skate Station Funworks, which I’m sure is fine family establishment, but does EVERY business in Gainesville have to use an alligator in their logo? Answer: Yep, probably.

The Lochte family goes to skate station funworks to go rollerskating on what would ryan lochte do?

Look, I get the whole tie-in to the University of Florida, and hey yes…Gainesville does have a crapload of gators there, but there are tons of other things you can use for your logo to make it original.

However, I am SHOCKED the Gator isn’t Tebowing.

BEST: The Lochtes are builders, not destroyers.

Ryan talks about how the Lochtes are all fun and games when they get together, but once those skates are on it’s “like a construction derby.”

Megan pushes ryan lochte while rollerskating on what would ryan lochte do?

RYAN Lochte pushes his mom Ike while rollerskating on what would ryan lochte do?

ryan lochte pushes megan while rollerskating on what would ryan lochte do?

Oh man, yeah, the Lochtes don’t mess around. Ryan literally pushed his mom down. So awesome.

BEST: Like a boss.

How does Ryan’s nephew Zaydin eat nachos?

Zaydin Lochte eats nachos at the rollerskating rink on what would ryan lochte do?

Answer: However the crap he wants to.

WORST: “It’s soo haaarrrrd…to say goodbye…to yesterdaaayyyEEEEE!”

I’ve already talked at length about Ryan and Jaimee’s pseudo-relationship, but I just can’t take another segment of his mom and Kristin asking “why? why? WHYYYYYY?” all the time about her. Lochte breaks the news that they broke it off completely and holy crap you would think Ryan just told them he was going to give away all of his Olympic medals to a terrorist group.

No, actually I think they would freak out less about that.

“My family gets really worked up about the girls I date, which I ‘get it’ because all they want to do is see me happy.” – Ryan Lochte

If you’re so concerned with his happiness, then why would his mom still want to hang out with Jaimee after they broke up. Has she never seen Meet the Parents? It came out in 2000, and we know the Lochtes only watch older movies, so I assume she has.

Meet the Parents (5/10) Movie CLIP – Kevin the Ex (2000) HD

Yeah, I bet Greg had a great time watching Kevin whittle masterpieces and talk about his portfolio.

Hey Lochte’s mom – don’t turn Ryan into Gaylord Focker!

WORST-EST EVER: Dating someone is a process.

Kristin insists on meeting all of Ryan’s girls on the first date so WE can decide if she’s right for you.” I don’t even need to go into how she just needs to shut-up and let Lochte make his own decisions.

And she clearly doesn’t understand the steps in dating. There’s a reason why (most) people don’t go all the way or get married on their first date together. There are rules, people! Meeting your entire family before dinner and a movie? That’s like waaaaaay down the line – like almost when it’s “hey, we’re engaged!” time. A lot of people don’t even kiss on the first date.

Kristin, you’re the worst.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went on a date with Chantae?”

SUMMARY: Lochte works up enough courage to ask Lochterage member Chantae out on a date, so of course his family does their best to ruin it. Kristin interrogates asks Chantae a few questions. Their date kind of sucked.

WORST:You can always tell a Milford man.”

We’ve briefly seen some of the other Lochte males like Megan and Kristin’s husbands and Ryan’s younger brother Brandon, but I have yet to hear any of them say a single word. At this point I would be happy with even a “hey” or a chuckle or SOMETHING! Seriously, it’s like they all attended that Milford Academy school from Arrested Development, “Where children are neither seen nor heard.”

My only thought was that E! Network is trying to avoid paying them as “full-time” extras by giving them non-speaking roles. You have to pay them more if they have even one line.

WORST: Lochte is not a planner.

ryan lochte's family waits at his house to meet Chantae before their first date on what would ryan lochte do?

Here’s some friendly advice: If you don’t want your family to meet a girl before your first date with her, then don’t have them waiting in your house when she arrives.

WORST-EST OF THE WORST-EST-ES: The Mafia is real.

Kristin can’t help herself and and goes all Godfather on Lochte. She forces Ryan to go “bring the car around” while she interrogates Chantae. Chantae acts polite, but totally wants to drop kick Kristin. All Lochte can do is…

Kristin Lochte interrogates Chantae ryan lochte's date.

BEST: Her bark is worse than her bite.

In keeping with the Meet the Parents theme, Kristin made it sound like she was going to strap Chantae up to the lie detector so she could find out Chantae’s “intentions” with Ryan.

meet-the-lochtes

But no, if you actually look at the clock on the microwave you’ll discover that Kristin basically just asked Chantae about 50 questions in the span of a minute. I’m surprised there was even time for Chantae to answer.

Kristin Lochte asks Chantae a bunch of questions before her date with Ryan Lochte on what would ryan lochte do.

So, kind of a huge FAIL on the E! Network. Bang up editing job, guys.

BEST: The Lochte palate is simple.

Chantae and Ryan go to Yamato, another sushi bar. So basically all Lochte likes to eat is sushi and buffalo wings. That’s it.

BEST: The Lochterage promotes from within.

When he broke things off with Jaimee, I thought Ryan would immediately head to his favorite night club and hook up with the first University of Florida co-ed he could find. But no, he saw someone in the Lochterage who wanted an opportunity and gave the spot to Chantae. That’s good business sense.

WORST: The “Friendzone” is permanent.

While I admire Lochte’s ingenuity in pursuing Chantae, he failed to mention until the end of their date that he had already been “friendzoned” with her. In fact, it almost seemed like Chantae didn’t even know she was on a date with him.

“Ok, so WHY did you invite me?” – Chantae to Ryan

Lochte is in the friendzone with Chantae.

“I thought dating Chantae would be really easy, but once you’re in that friendzone it’s hard to get out of it.”

Yeah Lochte…you might as well be painting her nails, bro.

WORST OF THE WORST: I hate it when she’s right.

Kristin said before their date that she “had doubts” about Chantae, and unfortunately she was right. I soooooo hate everything about this.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had dessert with his family?”

SUMMARY: Ryan meets his family for frozen yogurt at SweetBerries. Devon reveals Lochte’s secret plans. Ryan counters…and loses.

WORST: Lochte is not a history buff.

Devon throws Ryan under the bus and reveals that he wants to move to Los Angeles. Of course, this causes Ike to nearly have a coronary, to which Ryan thanks Devon for starting “World War 4.”

EVEN WORSE: Desperate people do desperate things.

Lochte’s mom and Kristin immediately try and find ways to keep Ryan in Gainesville FOREVER so naturally they use Zaydin as a pawn to get what they want:

“Oh, did you hear that Zaydin? Uncle Ryan says he wants to move away from you.” – Kristin to Zaydin

“He said he doesn’t love us anymore.” – Ike to Zaydin

EAAASSSSY there, you two…that kid is like 3 years old. He has no idea what sarcasm is yet. You may as well have told them Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny aren’t real while you’re at it.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he trained his brother Devon?”

SUMMARY: Devon wants to start swimming again, so Ryan is conned into staying in Gainesville to train him. They share a tender moment, and Devon teaches Ryan how to float. Yes, really.

BEST: Brothers being brothers.

I don’t know if Ryan will actually be the one to train Devon, but he basically just made Devon swim a few laps and then they did a bunch of this:

Ryan Lochte and Devon Lochte jump off the high dive on what would ryan lochte do? Devon Lochte teaches Ryan Lochte how to float what would ryan lochte do? ryan lochte trains devon and jumps on him in the pool on what would ryan lochte do? Ryan Lochte does the flag challenge off the diving board on what would ryan lochte do?

Lochte would be the best swim lessons teacher ever for a group of 6-year olds. Olympic training? Not so much.

BEST-ER: L.A. will always be there.

Ryan decides that staying in Gainesville is the best choice for now, and he and Devon share a bro hug. Lochte’s armpit sweat looks strangely similar to the Windows logo.

Ryan Lochte hugs his brother Devon on what would ryan lochte do?

Tune in next week for the “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” season – and probably series – finale. I’ve got two words for ya: SPRING BREAK!

This can’t end well.

JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!

Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.


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