Is there life for an Olympian once their Olympic dreams are over? In episode 5 of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Ryan tries to answer this question. The only problem is he forgot the question because Carmen Electra just stepped into the room.
If there’s a “best” for episode 5 it’s that there’s plenty of screen time for Gene, who visits Hollywood with Ryan for a promotional tour. Lochte’s schedule is jammed with business meetings, photo shoots, and a red carpet appearance. Oh yeah…he also gets a hot dog named after him, so if I set the over/under at 20 on how many “weiner” jokes they make you better take the over.
The highlight is Lochte’s semi-date with Carmen Electra, his childhood crush. Never mind that she was once married to Dennis Rodman.
So let’s see what kind of trouble Ryan and Gene can get into during their Hollywood adventure. Here’s the cast of episode five:
“HOW I ROLL” LOCHTE
Meets Carmen Electra and gets a hot dog named after him in the same episode. Coincidence???
Loses a bet during game of volleyball. Thinks Tara Reid is hot and a “huge celebrity.”
Visits Los Angeles for the first time in his life. Thinks it’s “A LOT” different than Florida.
Pitches some new ideas for his Speedo line. Cringes when Ryan has “some ideas of his own.”
The marketing director for Speedo and is really, really excited to hear Lochte’s ideas.
Won’t let the cameras film Lochte in an very small Speedo, yet can’t stop staring at him.
Richard and Beverly Pink introduce the “Lochte Dog,” and of course penis jokes ensue.
Yes, there’s actually a Los Angeles faction of the Lochterage, and his name Ed.
CARMEN ELECTRA as herself
Lochte’s lifetime crush. Takes Ryan out for a night of dancing and probably diseases.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he played volleyball with the Lochterage?”
SUMMARY: During a friendly game of “Lochte” volleyball (aka volleyball) Ryan ups the ante with an “icy” offer for his brother Devon. Gene and Ryan can’t stop talking about their upcoming trip to Hollywood. They pretty much ignore the blonde long-haired bro.
WORST: You guessed it, Lochte SUCKS at volleyball too.
Don’t worry shirtless volleyball scene from Top Gun, your legacy is still safe.
Ryan, whom I assume is “Maverick,” teams up with the other black bro in the Lochterage (aka “Goose”) to take on his brother, “Iceman” Devon and Gene as… … “Slider???” in a friendly game of beach volleyball.
1) Gene should have been Goose. This makes no sense.
2) How can they be so horrific at yet another sport? Look at all of them. They’re in good shape, have great bodies, and we know they have TONS of free time. Why are Ryan’s swimming accomplishments their only claim to athletic fame? Seriously, the Lochterage can’t form a city softball team!? You can still get liquored up while you play. I’ve seen other teams do it all the time.
3) When you play volleyball, why is most people’s first reaction to immediately set the ball back over the net upon receiving the serve? This is like the WORST thing you can do. You’re not only giving the ball back to the other team, but you’re most likely setting up your team to have it spiked right back in your faces. Lochte and his bros did this on literally EVERY play.
BUMP, SET, SPIKE, people! It’s not a hard concept.
BEST: Every group of friends has someone they all secretly hate in it.
Look at the Lochterage having a great time playing volleyball. Oh, but wait, who is that standing off to the side? Is that the line judge? HAHAHAHAHA, no. It’s that Shawn White look-a-like Lochterage bro with the long, blonde hair. The last time we saw him the Lochterage was playing “Lochte” pool.
How come he doesn’t get to play? He’s clearly the tallest guy there. He definitely LOOKS like a volleyball player. And not to be racist, but a couple of black dudes doesn’t necessarily scream out “volleyball pros” to too many people. Plus, I watched the Lochterage play. They ALL suck.
Between this and how they all completely ignored him during lunch, it’s pretty obvious they don’t really like this guy. I’m not sure why they keep him in the Lochterage, but every group of friends has to have someone they make fun of, right? I’m assuming this guy is either their weed connection or has a really hot sister.
I don’t feel bad for you, blonde long-haired Lochterage bro. You chose this lifestyle, it didn’t choose you.
BEST/WORST: Lochte is the king of one-sided bets.
Lochte makes a wager with his brother Devon that if his team wins, Devon has to belly flop into a “freezing” pool of water. “Sounds great” to Devon, but he fails to make a counter-bet with Ryan.
Oh, always a game of wits with those Lochte boys.
This also gets a “worst” because there’s no way that pool is “freezing” cold, as Ryan describes it. Come on bros, you live in Florida and you’re playing volleyball with your shirts off. That’s like regular summertime for most everyone else.
WORST: Not often, but sometimes Gene makes terrible choices.
Gene. Gene. Gene. Seriously, bro. What is this????
In the worst decision ever in the history of the world, Gene decided to get a horrible tattoo of his name on his upper back that simply says “GENE.” Not “MOM” or “Gainesville Turns it Up!” or even “Lochterage.” Nope, just “GENE.” It’s not even in cool lettering or that medieval font that gangbangers use. No, it’s like he let his niece ink it on his back for her 3rd grade art project. It’s like the male version of a tramp stamp. Remove it, Gene. Now!
BEST: “Because of swimming, I burn A LOT of calories, so I can’t eat junk food all the time.”
The only semi-healthy thing I’ve ever seen Lochte eat is at that sushi restaurant he takes all his dates to. Other than that he’s unmercifully pounding tequila shots and entire pizzas.
WORST: Lochte seems more preoccupied with his “brand” than his swimming.
Gene and Ryan are going to Hollywood for some business opportunities, and they discuss their plans with the Lochterage during lunch.
“I’m heading to L.A. and it’s going to be a WORLD wind for me.” – Ryan Lochte
That’s great, but I think Lochte needs to understand that his amazing swimming and gold medals are what makes his “brand” – not his stupid catchphrases, his horrible neon shoes, or how many times he makes out with Carmen Electra (and yep, that’s coming later). He should be building a legacy, not trying to capture one that doesn’t exist.
Ugh, sometimes this feels like Lebron before he won an NBA title.
WORST: The Lochterage does not travel.
Ryan goes on and on about how much he loves the Hollywood lifestyle, the fashion, blah blah blah:
“I love L.A. I’ve been going there for years and years.”
And then his BFF and personal assistant Gene pipes in with “This will be my first time there.” Oh man, Lochte you’re like the worst bro. You really can’t take Gene with you one of those times? Dude, you’ve made $5 million off the word “JEAH!” Heck, Gene even says it! You should have done him a solid and bought Gene a plane ticket before now.
WORST: Celebrity status is totally objective.
Lochte exaggerates about how easy it is to spot celebrities in Hollywood. He’s forgetting that he himself is famous and is probably already around a bunch of other famous people anyway. So yeah, of course it’s easy to “spot” Blake Lively when you’re both presenting an award together at the Kid’s Choice awards.
Devon then pipes in to boast about the time he “saw the Papa John’s guy and Tara Reid.” You know…those HUGE celebrities.
I would honestly be more excited to watch American Pie while eating a Papa John’s pizza than to see either of those two in public.
BEST: Foreshadowing…how does it work?
Lochte gets O-faced about the prospect of ever meeting Carmen Electra, his childhood crush since he was 13 years old. That means he probably watched TONS of Baywatch, but I’m not surprised. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that will ever happen?
Hey, I had a huge crush on Samantha Micelli from watching Who’s the Boss? but I’m not still pining for Alyssa Milano. She’s like 40 now.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a business trip meeting with Gene?”
SUMMARY: Lochte and Gene get together to discuss their plans for their trip to Hollywood, which includes a meeting with Speedo, the Hall of Game awards show, a photo shoot, and a HOT DOG!
BEST: Lochte has his priorities straight.
This was Ryan’s reaction after Gene told him about the Speedo business meeting, his photo shoot and the awards show.
This was Ryan’s reaction when Gene told him Pink’s was naming a hot dog after him.
WORST: Devon DOES NOT have his priorities straight.
Devon is even more pumped than Ryan about the Pink’s hot dog:
“That might be better than winning a gold medal at the Olympics.” – Devon Lochte
“SHUT UP, DEVON! WHO INVITED YOU TO THIS MEETING!”
BEST: Gene’s been in Los Angeles for about 5 minutes…
…And he’s already throwing up gang signs.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a meeting with Speedo?”
SUMMARY: Lochte has a top secret meeting with the Speedo marketing team to go over some top secret ideas. These ideas are sooooo top secret that the E! cameras aren’t even allowed in the room.
WORST: Some things don’t need to be taken so literally.
In many companies, there’s typically a room where they get together to brainstorm and hash out new ideas. It’s also a room where million dollar deals are made with clients. This room is often nicknamed “The War Room” because I guess doing all of those things is just like real war.
However, I’m pretty sure that no one actually calls it the “war room,” particularly with a cute little sign on the outside. I wonder if Speedo also has a sign outside their bathrooms that says “Watering Hole.” This would actually explain Ryan Lochte’s treatment of swimming pools.
BEST: Lochte’s ideas raise some eyebrows.
“When you think of business and Ryan Lochte, the two don’t go so well together.” – Ryan Lochte
Lochte offers to pitch a few ideas to the Speedo marketing team, and this is their first reaction:
WORST: “This is a CONFIDENT meeting.” – Ryan Lochte
…and not a CONFIDENTIAL meeting.
Ryan’s big idea is so super top secret that they have to kick out the E! camera crew, so we have no idea what it was, but I can guarantee you it had to do with one of three things:
1) A swimsuit that filters your urine into clean drinking water.
2) A swim cap that doubles as a hoodie.
3) He just wanted to ask that marketing director chick out for sushi.
WORST: The Speedo “War Room” really is that top secret.
Because some guy in that meeting actually wanted his face blurred out.
I can only assume that he heard some of the ideas that Lochte had and didn’t want to be associated with them.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a photo shoot?”
SUMMARY: Lochte does a series of publicity shoots for … … … something, I guess. It’s probably just an excuse for him to take his shirt off a lot.
BEST: Lochte knows where his bread is buttered.
Even though it doesn’t rain in Southern California, if there’s someone who can do it it’s Lochte. And what’s his “rain dance,” you ask? A healthy dose of abs with a sprinkle of eye winks.
WORST: Ohhhhhh, so that’s what he meant…
…by making it rain.
I can’t believe I fell for that.
WORST: Ryan Lochte’s life is really hard, guys.
“You know, being Ryan Lochte isn’t always easy.” – Ryan Lochte
BEST: Blonde model chick looks very…
Either she’s telling herself “You’re getting paid for this. You’re getting paid for this” in her head, or she’s about to kill Lochte if he says “JEAH!” one more time.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went out for drinks with Gene.”
SUMMARY: Lochte and Gene hit up Hotel Shangri La for drinks to discuss their future together. Ryan wants to move to Los Angeles, but Gene is concerned about the Lochterage. This could be a breaking point in their relationship.
BEST: Gene truly loves Ryan.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Never has there been a greater bromance than that of Ryan Lochte and his assistant, Gene. And even though Ryan really, really, really wants to move to Hollywood, you can tell he can’t quite pull the trigger on it without Gene coming along too.
“You’re like…the King of Gainesville, man.” – Gene
Gene is the sensible one, and always has been. He knows if Ryan leaves Gainesville, that the Lochterage will cease to exist. Lochte jokes about “taking the Lochterage with him,” but we all know that he’s only talking about Gene.
Just say it Lochte! Say those three beautiful words to Gene and make him yours forever.
NO! NOT “TURN IT UP!”
WORST: Lochte loves to contradict himself.
“I don’t want a supermodel or a Playboy bunny. I want someone that’s real.”
Lifelong crush is Carmen Electra.
BEST, AND MAYBE THE BEST EVER: Gene + JEAH = awesome.
Holy crap, Gene does the most amazing “JEAH!” ever! It’s like a machine gun flurry.
Oh man, I could watch this forever. So amazing.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he had a hot dog named after him?”
SUMMARY: Lochte and Gene meet up with L.A. Lochterage member, Ed at the world famous hot dog stand Pink’s in Hollywood for the unveiling of the “Lochte Dog.” And yes, get ready for about a million penis jokes.
WORST: The Pinks are worse exaggerators than Lochte is.
Ryan meets up with Richard and Beverly Pink, siblings and co-owners of the Pink’s Hot Dog franchise. As if giving him his own hot dog wasn’t enough, Richard insists on buttering up Lochte by describing him with words like “legendary” and “iconic.”
Eaaaaaasy there, Richard. Lochte is an amazing swimmer and has some gold medals, but words like those are generally reserved for the absolute best of all-time. For example, take any sport and tell me who the most iconic player was. You’d probably get these answers:
These guys are completely legit legends, but should not be confused with these guys who are really, really, really good, but are NOT icons…yet:
BEST: Size DOES matter when you’re a Lochte.
Richard Pink describes the Lochte Dog as “a little hot dog” and Ryan is of course offended because, penis size…or something.
WORST: The Lochte Dog looks disgusting.
No, seriously…that thing will make you crap for days. The Lochte Dog is topped with mustard, chili, French fries and nacho cheese, and includes a side of “Olympian Champion” (not “Olympic” Champion) onion rings.
I may be wrong, but isn’t the person’s hot dog supposed to have ingredients on it that they would actually eat? I was expecting the Lochte Dog to be loaded with California rolls, S’mores and served with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.
WORST-ER: Lochte really does suck at cooking.
Ryan is invited by Richard to make a Lochte Dog, but Ryan has to ask the cook how to open up a hot dog bun.
WORST: You are not unique, Lochte Dog.
“If you get a hot dog named after you…you’ve made it. I don’t know anyone else that’s ever had a hot dog named after them.” – Ryan Lochte
Except for some other hot dogs on the Pink’s menu like one for Martha Stewart, Rosie O’Donnell, Betty White, L.A. Philharmonic Conductor Gustavo Dudamel, Emeril Legasse, Giada Delaurentis, Ozzy Osbourne, Betty White, Lord of the Rings, Leeza Gibbons, etc., etc., etc.
BEST: The Lochterage is basically made up of a bunch of 12-year old boys.
Yes, we all know that hot dogs are nicknamed “weiners,” and so naturally grown men like the Lochterage can’t help but make tons of penis jokes.
WORST: Gene can’t handle Lochte’s dog-hood.
Gene absolutely barfed up the Lochte Dog all over the side of his pants. I love how Ryan tries to blame it on eating the hot dog before they went out drinking. Uhhhh, sorry Lochte. ANYONE is going to throw that thing up, regardless of if they’ve been drinking or not.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he attended an awards show?”
SUMMARY: Lochte and Gene pose on the red carpet for the Hall of Game Awards Show, which absolutely NO ONE has ever heard of. Ryan wins an award that absolutely NO ONE has ever heard of.
WORST: Lochte’s warped fashion sense strikes again.
I’ve touched frequently on Ryan’s completely awful taste in fashion, but this example might take the cake.
“I don’t want to be like everyone else. I like to be different. I will always be the one wearing different clothes than anyone else.”
Except someone forgot to tell his publicist Janice about this.
To be fair, she’s Asian, so it’s not a big deal to her for two people to look alike. HEY-OH!
BEST: Ryan is not the only Olympian in attendance.
Aside from mega-celebrities Nick Cannon and the fat Latino kid on Modern Family, we get an appearance from our Olympic Gold medal women’s gymnastics team.
Except that their nickname is the “Fierce Five.” The name “Fab Five” was given to the amazing 1991 University of Michigan recruiting class that included Chris Webber, Jalen Rose and Juwan Howard.
Also, I don’t see Kyla Ross, so maybe go with “Fierce Four” in this case.
WORST: Lochte is a tough interview.
Ryan feels great about the “easy” part of the red carpet experience. You know, the part where you sign autographs and pose for pictures…where you just basically turn your head from side to side.
The “hard” part is when he has to do interviews. You know, the part where you have to talk and say words and answer really difficult questions:
“If I could have a superhero power, I would be a fly because I love traveling all over the world, and if I could FLEW I’d be there in a heartbeat.” – Ryan Lochte
WORST: Who are you, Hall of Game Awards Show?
The Hall of Game Awards Show has a rich history dating all the way back to 2011. Cartoon Network created it as a way to honor “great” achievements in sports, like what team has the best mascot or which athlete can dance the best. Other categories include:
“Gnarliest Newb,” for the most outstanding rookie
“Whoa-ment” for the most exciting play
“Most Viral” for the one with the most STDs (Derek Jeter three-peated this year).
What most people don’t understand is at these lesser known awards shows (aka anything but the Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys, Tonys or Emmys) that everyone who shows up is going to get an award. EVERYONE. It’s the equivalent of your childhood t-ball team.
BEST: Don’t matter…Lochte is still excited he won.
Obviously Ryan doesn’t know this, because he’s so super pumped when he wins the “That’s How I Roll” award.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he met his lifelong crush?”
SUMMARY: Lochte actually meets Carmen Electra, the girl he’s wanted since he saw her on Baywatch. They talk, go dancing, and probably exchange some diseases.
BEST: Gene is connected.
How in the world does Gene know Carmen Electra???? He prances her in to meet Lochte and acts like they’re lifelong BFFs or something.
BEST: Carmen Electra’s boobs are not human.
Well, we already knew they were implants, but they actually have their own aura. They glow right before Lochte’s eyes.
I can only assume they are radioactive and that this started happening as soon as she married Dennis Rodman.
WORST: Lochte is blinded by the light.
Don’t get me wrong, Carmen Electra is still pretty dang hot for a 40-year old, but did you see her much younger, and much HOTTER friend?
This is a either a monumental mistake by Electra – since you should never be the “ugly” friend in a two-some – or a well played scheme by Gene. Normally if there’s a group of girls available Lochte would get first dibs and Gene, the constant wingman, would get the leftovers. And Ryan is always going to pick the hottest girl. That’s a guarantee.
But in this case, it’s Gene – not Lochte – who walks away with the top prize. All he had to do was distract Ryan with his lifelong crush and he didn’t even give the hotter girl a second look.
Well played, Gene. Well played indeed.
WORST: Lochte has no idea how to talk to women.
Ryan is so star struck by Carmen Electra, that the only thing he can ask her is if she’s seen “What Women Want.”
She had not seen it.
BEST: Lochte boys kiss and tell.
Ryan talks to Devon about his night with Carmen Electra. O-faces ensue:
“That was like the cake, the icing and the cherry on top.”
I see a future with Ryan and Carmen, but only if it’s ok with his mom to date one of her friends.
Tune in next week as the Lochterage goes paintballing and the Lochte family gets together for a family photo shoot. I’m shocked if Ryan keeps his shirt on.
JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!
Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
Episode One – “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two – “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three – “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four – “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five – “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six – “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven – “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight – “Lochte Spring Break”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.
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