If you wondered “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” if he ever had the chance to go on Spring Break then today is your lucky day. The answer: EVERYTHING!
You see, Lochte has never been on Spring Break since he’s always “on the grind” training for swim meets and the Olympics. I don’t feel too sorry for him, though, since let’s face it…from watching this show it’s pretty safe to say that his life is a “Spring Break.”
In the season finale, Ryan takes the key members of the Lochterage to Miami for a weekend getaway, so you know there will be tons of the following: drinking, shirtlessness, TURNING IT UP, pool shenanigans, and a lot of horrible dancing.
Will Ryan and Lochterage come back to Gainesville in one piece, or will they fall prey to tons of OK to half-decent girls in bikinis? Remember…two “5’s” equals a “10” AM I RIGHT!
Let’s find out. Here’s the cast of episode eight:
“TURN IT UP!” LOCHTE
Ryan enjoys his first Spring Break EVER because normal partying “totally SUUUUUCKS, bro.”
Goes ring shopping for Morgan at probably the same place Ryan got his grills. Almost drowns.
Covers everyone’s bar tab in Miami after losing a bet and is the Lochterage guinea pig.
Can’t wait for all the women Lochte discards to come his way. Hates wearing his hat straight.
Feels tied down by his girlfriend. Noticeably absent on the Lochterage Spring Break.
Skanky club chick who can’t keep her hands off Ryan. She makes a memorable impression.
Jessica’s wing-woman and probably just as skanky. Does not want to be there AT ALL.
The hostess for Lochte’s private hotel cabana suite. Just stands there and stares at him.
THE LOCHTE FAMILY
Since they are “CHAOS” the Lochte bunch starts a food fight at the cupcake restaurant.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went on Spring Break?”
SUMMARY: Ryan meets with the core Lochterage members at Havana’s Downtown Cigars to discuss plans for Lochte’s FIRST Spring Break. WARNING: There will be lots of “JEAHS!”
BEST: This isn’t the World Series of Poker.
Lochte and Gene seem to be playing some sort of card game with each other, but it doesn’t look like Texas Hold ‘Em, Bridge, Hearts, or even Uno.
Nope. Pretty sure it’s Go Fish.
WORST: What time does school get out?
Devon enters and says he “just got done with his last final” but it’s almost 9:00 at night. Normally that would seem weird, but I forgot that University of Phoenix offers their tests online so you can take the final anytime.
BEST: Honesty continues to be the best policy.
Much to the surprise of the Lochterage, Ryan reveals that he’s never been on a Spring Break because he’s always stuck at home training for the Olympics. Instead of making up some cheesy, lame excuse like “Champions are made from hard work and dedication, guys” Lochte just keeps it real and tells us exactly how he feels about swimming for four hours every day:
I would have loved to have seen Lochte as a child. He’d totally be the kid in Kindergarten who told all of his friends that Santa Claus wasn’t real.
WORST: Don’t feed the animals.
We’ve already heard about the “dancing bananas” that appear in Lochte’s head when he has a stupor of thought, but now he’s added a purple monkey to the mix. However, wouldn’t this contradict his explanation of why he gets confused since – in theory – the purple monkey would eat the bananas, and as a result eliminate the distractions in his head? I just realized I’ve thought about this way too much.
BEST: Not them too?!
The Lochterage decides to invade Miami for Spring Break, and now he even has the cameraman saying “JEAH!”
Oh, and just FYI…there’s no way this trip ends well.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…when he arrives in Miami?”
SUMMARY: Lochte checks into Miami’s Shore Club for some beach, babes and booze. A notable Lochterage member doesn’t make the trip.
WORST: I hope they didn’t use Priceline.
Ryan is super pumped for his first Spring Break EVER and he even has his own private bungalow with a pool. But does he just chill out there with his close friends like a normal celebrity would? AH, HELL NAW! WE’S ‘BOUT TO TURRNNN IT UPPPP! and he spends the entire time by the public pool with all the ladies.
“I’ve heard some good things about this place.” -- Ryan Lochte
Now you might say “Uh, what’s wrong with that?” Normally nothing, but have you read the reviews for the Shore Club?
“Musty, mildew stench in our room. Mildew scented pillows to match. Low rent decor/green fluorescent lights in rooms, blasting house music 24/7 and lousy food.” -- Trip Advisor
“Someone must have stubbed their toe on the IKEA bed frame. Blood was on the frame and carpet. It was never bothered to be cleaned up.” -- Yelp
“I was on the 6th floor, and at 4:00 am two male guests bring back 3 prostitutes to their room. They decide they don’t want the 3rd one and kick her out. She then kicks up a huge LOUD fuss until security comes.” -- Hotels.com
“Don’t look too closely at fabrics & upholstery: some of the stains look more DNA than piña colada related.” -- Yelp
“Shore Club is the epitome of pricey crass.” -- Trip Advisor
“Feels a little ‘Jersey Shore-ish’” -- Everyone
So, what do you think, Lochte?
…says Ryan, enthusiastically.
BEST: Go BED or go home.
Ryan’s bungalow also comes with an outdoor bed that could either be my great grandmother’s or the one used in that Disney classic Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
Plus, why do they need a bed outside? If the Shore Club really understood their client they would know Lochte only sleeps in a heap on the stairs.
BEST: Lochte broke another world record…
…for the amount of time it took him to keep his shirt on – about 4.7 seconds. Their hostess and some other hotel lady literally stared the entire time because, professionalism.
WORST: Raise your glasses!
Seriously, the Lochterage LOVES to “toast” things. They can’t get enough of it. Going on a vacation? TOAST IT! Best friend getting married? TOAST IT. Went to a strip club? TOAST IT! Going to get the mail? TOAST IT! Some girl Ryan knows gets a lower back tattoo? OH YOU KNOW WE’S GONNA TOAST IT!!!
Making toast? DUH, TOAST THAT!
BEST: Devon is whipped.
Ryan is sad his brother Devon can’t come on the trip because he has a “GIRL-FRIEND” and yes…he actually uses air quotes to describe Courtney. However, Gene also has a girlfriend, Morgan. So either Courtney is a complete shrew or Morgan has already made peace with the fact that she’s going out with someone who treats everyday like it’s someone’s bachelor party.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went to a pool party?”
SUMMARY: The Lochterage hits up the Shore Club pool party. Ryan talks to every girl there because, shirtless.
BEST: This is pretty much…
…the only way to describe Lochte at the pool party.
The pure joy on his face. Like a child on Christmas morning.
BEST: Know your role, and shut your mouth.
“It was like a Lochte feeding frenzy in that pool, and I was the bait.” -- Ryan
I’ve decided that the Lochterage is pretty much the Rolling Stones of bro groups, and it of course has nothing to do with talent. It’s because they understand the important dynamic of a successful rock band.
RULE #1: The lead singer is always the most important member. ALWAYS.
It doesn’t matter how big of a d-bag they are, how many drugs they do, or how much talent they have – the lead singer is the focal point of the band. They should always be in the center of the photo shoot. They should always be interviewed first. They should always have first dibs on the girls back stage. If you treat your lead singer like a star your band will almost never break up…unless they die of an overdose.
So when Lochte wears those stupid neon green shoes and takes a piss on the side of someone’s car it better be the “greatest frickin’ thing in the world” to everyone in the Lochterage.
RULE #2: Everyone will know the lead singer’s name. EVERYONE.
Pick a band – ANY band – and I bet you can name the lead singer without hesitation. Rolling Stones? Mick Jagger. Guns N’ Roses? Axl Rose U2? Bono. Led Zeppelin? Robert Plant. Red Hot Chili Peppers? Anthony Kiedis. Did anyone have to use Google for that? No, of course not.
RULE #3: Most people will know the lead guitarist’s name. MOST.
Let’s try this again using our examples above: Rolling Stones? Keith Richards. Guns N’ Roses? Slash. U2? The Edge. Led Zeppelin? Jimmy Page. Red Hot Chili Peppers? (Careful on this one). Most people would say “Flea” but he’s actually the bass player. However, he plays the bass like a lead guitarist so we can count it. Gene understands this. He’s never going to be Lochte, but he can hold his own in a solo career. And just like Keith Richards, I hope Gene lives forever.
RULE #4: No one is going to know the bass player or the drummer. Deal with it, bass player and drummer.
I honestly couldn’t name either from any of those groups listed above without the help of Google…and those are some of the most famous bands of all time. Imagine trying to name the drummer from White Lion. So, “sorry” Uncle Rick and Roger, but up until last episode I only knew you as “1980s George Michael beard bro” and “the other black Lochterage guy.” That’s no different than your average rock band. Deal with it.
LONG LIVE ROCK N’ ROLL!
I don’t want to hear another chick complain about guys trying lame pick up lines on them after some of these gems:
So ladies, now “I want to take you to sushi, and I’m buying” doesn’t seem so bad, does it?
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went clubbing with the Lochterage?”
SUMMARY: After a busy day of flirting with chicks at the pool, Lochte takes his bros out for a night of flirting with chicks at club Rokbar. Gene has an unfortunate mishap.
BEST: Sometimes you have to teach people a lesson.
Ryan had pulled Gene into the pool while he had his cell phone in his pocket and Gene is a hot mess about it. No seriously, he’s mega-pissed. Ryan counters Gene’s rage with…logic??? Huh?
“What kind of guy wears his cell phone in his board shorts at a pool party?”
Makes sense to me. Yeah sorry, Gene. You were dumb and paid the price. The only thing that would have made this scene better is if somehow Lochte got J. Walter Weatherman from Arrested Development to help prove his point.
And then you see Weatherman’s bloody, detached arm in the pool holding Gene’s iPhone.
WORST: Rice – how does it work?
To fix his waterlogged phone, Gene buries it in a bowl of uncooked rice. The premise of the “rice trick” is that the dry grains will absorb the moisture and bring the phone back from the dead. Noted “scientist” Ryan Lochte is not convinced this is going to work. “No way, this is not like the banana/Sprite challenge, guys.”
“That thing’s been sittin’ there for 3 hours” -- Lochte
Never mind that it takes 24-48 hours for the water absorption process to work, but hey that’s just “science.”
BEST: Gene is whipped too.
HAHAHAHA oh man, no wonder Gene is about to murder Ryan. He needs his phone to work because he’s “in a relationship” which is just a nice way of saying:
“Bro, I barely got permission to go on this trip from my girlfriend, and now Morgan’s going to call to ‘check in’ and I’m not going to be able to answer my phone! And if I don’t answer I’m done…FINISHED! She’s going to kill me!” -- Gene (in his head)
BEST: This is Lochte’s Rumspringa.
I’ve never seen Ryan happier than on this Spring Break trip. Seriously he’s like one of those Amish teenagers who gets to leave the community to “experience the real world.”
WORST: Dude, get a room.
Lochte is trying to just lay low in the corner of the club when he spies Roger in full freak nasty mode on some club skank. Ryan’s only reaction is a very nonchalant “hmm. ok. carry on.”
If Lochte is truly wanting a relationship he’s definitely looking in all the wrong places. In clubs like this you don’t capture love, it just grinds up against you for about 3 minutes.
BEST: He’s a dead man.
Well, needless to say the rice method DID NOT work on Gene’s phone and he is beyond pissed at Lochte. It was good to see this side of Gene, though, because no one is that happy in real life.
But note to self: never make Gene angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went shopping with Gene?”
SUMMARY: Gene finally gets a new phone so he can stop whining about it. Gene is going to pop the question??? Gene is going to pop the question.
WORST: Gene did not “go to Jared.”
Gene is thinking about proposing to Morgan and so he takes Lochte to a jewelry store that looks more like an extremely shady pawn shop or one of those souvenir stores that also sells “I Love Miami” t-shirts and fake Marlins hats.
“This is going to be fun, because I like bling.” -- Lochte
BEST: What do you do for a living?
Lochte can’t remember that a person who works at a jewelry store and shows you jewelry is called a “jeweler.” Incredible.
BEST-ER: A one-track mind.
Gene is trying to have a serious moment about proposing to Morgan and all Lochte can think about is…
WORST: How about that economy, huh?
Gene asks Ryan what we would expect to spend on a wedding ring.
“Oh, probably at least $100 thousand.”
So apparently Lochte wants to either marry a rapper or Mr. T.
BEST: “We’re not alone.”
He was only on the screen for a split second, but I had to call attention to the creeper watching them from outside the jewelry store. Good thing Gene didn’t buy a ring because this guy would’ve stolen it and then probably murdered all of them.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he could fly?”
SUMMARY: Ryan wants to choose the fun activity, so he takes the Lochterage to Rocketman Experience for some high adventure jet pack action. Uncle Rick loses a costly bet while Gene tries to drown himself.
WORST: Temper your expectations, boys.
When the Lochterage arrives they get a chance to watch a true jet pack professional in action. This guy is flying and spinning through the air like he’s Peter Pan. He made it look easy. You can see the glimmer in Ryan’s eyes as he thinks “JEAH! That’s what Lochte wants to do. I want to flew! Flew through the sky like a bird!!!” Except that the Lochterage looked more like this guy:
WORST-ER: Live within your means.
Uncle Rick must be a trust fund kid or he secretly won Powerball, because this guy keeps making these crazy expensive bets with Ryan. Remember the hot wings challenge from the last episode? Well that’s NOTHING compared to this wager. He bets Lochte that he can’t fly better than he does, and the loser has to pick up the bar tab later that night.
Uh, hey Rick, do you have any clue what you’re dealing with here?! If you think you have enough cash to pay off a Lochte bar tab then you might as well give President Obama a call and offer to eliminate the national debt. It would be cheaper. No seriously, you could buy dinner for every person in China and you would still come out more ahead than paying this bar tab.
Uncle Rick better not lose this bet. **SPOILER ALERT** he does.
“Of course I knew I was going to win the bet with Rick because I’m an ath-letic.” -- Ryan Lochte
BEST: They put a man on the moon.
Needless to say, everyone pretty much sucked at the rocket pack:
However, Roger did put in a solid performance and was easily the best one. So apparently he has other talents outside of wearing his hat sideways and dry humping ugly chicks at clubs.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went clubbing with the Lochterage?”
SUMMARY: On their last night in Miami, Ryan and Lochterage show the night clubs who’s boss. Lochte meets up with an interesting friend. There’s lots of drinking. Lots.
WORST: Let’s start off on the right foot…
…with – you guessed it – a toast.
Do you run ten miles to the gym so you can go work out? NO. Then you don’t need to pound a bunch of vodka before you spend the entire night pounding a bunch more vodka. Pace yourself, Lochterage.
BEST: “This place has everything.”
Only if Stefon from Saturday Night Live were there to describe the not one, not two, not three, but FOUR clubs they went to. But we can pretend…
“…MANGO’S. It has dancing Army men, a laser show set to lullaby music, bankers in dreadlocks, Cool Ranch Ritz crackers, and a gypsy parade.”
“…JELSOMINO. Built by the infamous gangster Hobbit YOLO Swaggins, this club has everything! Tin foil disco balls, garden weasels, Carl Weathers in a string bikini, the invisible cloak from Harry Potter, and a tap dancing homeless man!”
“…DOWNTOWN MIAMI. It has geckos that look like Rango, bejewled port-a-potties, the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie’s, and a Huggy Bank!”
“…BAMBOO. Located in an abandoned coal mine, this club is the cat’s meow. It has dancers that look like TRON characters, a Jewish princess, the one dentist who doesn’t recommend Crest, rabies, and the secret password to get in is:”
Oh nice! Lochte’s getting into Bamboo for sure.
WORST-EST: Girls -- Part Deux.
Ok, let’s talk about the big, skanky elephant in the room. Her name is Jessica, and she is pretty terrible. Apparently, Lochte noticed her boobs at a football game and just had to meet her. She lives in Miami, so naturally Ryan invites her to hang with the Lochterage on their last night of Spring Break.
“Thanks a lot, bro.”
Sincerely, the Lochterage.
What makes Jessica so awful, you ask? It’s not her annoying personality, or her nasally voice, or that she plays with her hair every 3 seconds. No, not those things. It’s not her bossiness or always needing to be the center of attention. It’s not her creepy smile or her fake boobs. It’s not even that she dragged her friend Jacqueline out with her when she clearly doesn’t want to be there, only to ignore Jacqueline the entire night to try and hook up with Lochte. No, I’m good with that.
It’s not that she tells Ryan “he makes her nervous” but then continues to pound free drinks (“thanks Uncle Rick, LOL!”), flirt with him, whisper stuff E! has to bleep out in his ear, and grind on him all night on the dance floor. No, that can’t be it. It’s not this (but it should be):
It’s not the way she says “JEAH!” which is worse than Ryan’s mom, by the way. It’s not that she has “so much in common” with Ryan, like salt and vinegar chips and the white gummy bears. It’s not that she’s no different than all of these other attention-seeking girls who leech onto Ryan so they can get on camera, or touch his glorious abs, or maybe even hook up with him. No, it’s none of those things.
So, I guess I just can’t really explain why Jessica is so awful. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she’s a wonderful person. Yep, I’m sorry, Jessica. My bad.
BEST: “Captain, I can’t make it go any faster!”
The Lochto-Party Meter has reached critical mass. And yes, “Lochto-Party Meter” is a thing.
BEST-ER: I told you!
Poor Uncle Rick. Literally. His credit card was denied.
So naturally, onto the next club!
BEST: There’s always a “but.”
Lochte decided they could not be together since Jessica lives in Miami and he lives in Gainesville. He doesn’t do long distance relationships anymore after the whole Jaimee thing, you know. This is, of course, PC for:
BEST: Lochte trivia.
Ryan has no idea where his grillz are. He lost them. However, I guarantee if he goes back to that
pawn shop jewelry store in Miami someone hawked them there for a used handgun.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…if he went out for dessert with his family?”
SUMMARY: Back home from his Spring Break adventure, Ryan spends time with his family at Sarkara Sweets for some cupcakes. “Chaos” ensues.
WORST: “Line, please.”
We’ve seen glimpses of Ryan’s younger brother Brandon during the show, but he has never said a single word when the family is together. Nothing. I’ve never even seen him crack a smile. I hypothesized last week that he’s only on the show as an “extra” and if they let him talk on camera that E! Network would have to pay him as an actor. That kind of works, but then why be on the show at all? I mean, your little nephew Zaydin gets to talk so why not you?
Then it hit me: HE HATES BEING THERE! Hates it. Look at his body language. Brandon just sits there like some emo teenager who’s one snarky comment away from stealing all of his mom’s jewelry and hijacking a school bus to Mexico. He’s pissed that he was adopted into this family. He’s pissed his parents divorced. He’s pissed they lost their house to foreclosure to pay for Ryan’s swim training. He’s pissed that everyone in the family swims because he prefers basketball. Brandon’s pissed, people. Hell will freeze over before he utters one single “JEAH!” You can bank on that.
BEST: Oh no you di-ent!
The Lochte’s start a food fight at the cupcake restaurant because, CHAOS!
Oh man, Megan, you’re lucky that wasn’t on one of Ryan’s #LOCHTENATION t-shirts or you’d have a hefty dry cleaning bill.
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do…at the WWRLD wrap party?”
SUMMARY: Ryan celebrates the season one finale and comments on how he has matured. He then heads straight to the bar to pound shots all night, but not until he delivers the most memorable line of the entire show.
BEST-EST OF THE ABSOLUTE BEST-IEST BEST: The Love Journey.
The interviewer asks about the current state of Ryan’s love life and reflects on his past “relationships.” There was Megan (1 date), Chantae (1 date), Carmen Electra (1 “date”) and then, Jaimee (1 week). Let me see…am I forgetting anyone? Oh, that’s right: And there was Jessica…
Annnnd, scene. JEAH! JEAH! JEAH!
Check out all the Best & Worsts of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”
Episode One -- “Enter the Lochterage”
Episode Two -- “Mr. Lochte Goes to Washington”
Episode Three -- “Love Lochtedown”
Episode Four -- “Lochte or Bust”
Episode Five -- “Lochte Got Game”
Episode Six -- “Lochte ‘Em or Leave ‘Em”
Episode Seven -- “The Brothers Lochte”
Episode Eight -- “Lochte Spring Break”
“What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” airs Sundays 10:30/9:30 Central on the E! Network.
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