When I was in high school, kids thought things from the 70s were cool. They wore bell-bottoms and smoked a lot of weed. When I was in college, people thought things from the 80s were cool (yeah, I’m talking to you idiots who go to 80s dance parties). Nowadays, kids think stuff from the 90s is rad. And you know what…they are 100% right.
But these youths didn’t live in the 90s.
They don’t remember this glorious decade and all that it brought to society. So, it is my civic duty to educate them. I now present to you “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” by Canada’s own Celine Dion. These youths need to learn their Canadian history before they can appreciate America.
“It’s All Coming Back To Me Now”
[DISCLAIMER: I thought Celine Dion sang this song first. I also thought, “Dang, this video is a rip-off of Meatloaf.” Then I found out Meatloaf wanted to record it first, but the dude who wrote it said no. But they ended up recording it in like 2008, ten years after Celine Dion released it and 20ish years after Pandora’s Box released it. You can learn something new everyday, kids. The world is your campus.]
:01 – Nice mansion. A little known fact for the kids today is that everyone had mansions in the 90s. LITERALLY everyone. Then we had to give them all back to the government because of Obama. Thanks Obama.
:04 – “It’s pretty stormy out. I probably should take the bike out for a spin.,” says bad decision guy.
:13 – This dude looks out and sees how rainy it is and is like, “Yeah, this is one of the best ideas I’ve had today.” That was just the normal sentiment in the 90s. We took risks. We made moves. Movers, shakers, and producers. Remember Gak? Well, it was basically boogers.
By the way, this kid also had his mansion taken away by Obama, but at least he still has his colored, synthetic snot to play with. Anyway, you think we would have invented Gak if we had the attitude of not riding our motorcycles in crazy lightning storms? I submit that we would not.
:22 – Celine Dion is Canadian and that dude is an American (allegedly). That’s why they are showing a picture of her trying to choke him to death. Nice try, Canada. You can’t kill America.
:35 – “I can’t see with all this rain in my face! But I have to get to my friends house to play BattleToads!” You see, there was barely any internet gaming in the 90s. You had to go to people’s houses to play video games with each other. And sometimes, you had to travel in the rain. But it was worth it – BattleToads is amazing.
:45 – That dude was probably going 5 mph and still blew up.
1:07 – There is a fire in the fireplace, but nobody was tending to it. That is a fire hazard. Also, lit candles everywhere. Fire hazards.
Note: If you actually grew up in the 90s you would know that’s Jim Carrey’s Fire Marshall Bill character from In Living Color, but if you’re one of those poser “youths” I speak of then you’re probably like “I didn’t know Jim Carrey was anorexic.”
1:20 – The wind blows the doors open, knocks the picture of Celine choking her “husband” off the table, and breaks it. This reminds me that this music video is a rip off of Meatloaf’s I’d Do Anything For Love which is a rip-off of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Phantom of the Opera.
1:54 – Brushing your already perfect hair with a huge brush was sooooo 90s. It was a time of excess and greed, so you just did things because you could. You know what I did in the 90s? I wore my clothes backwards. Why? Cause I could. So how about you shutup and keep reading.
2:05 – Creepy ghost husband’s shadow is getting his fingers warmed up to tickle Celine’s hair.
2:15 – Tickle time!
2:19 – “There were things I’d never do again, but then they always seemed a-right.” This is literally the motto of the 90s, except I don’t really get it because I would do all that stuff again. Here is a great video about stuff from the 90s that I would do without thinking twice or even three times.
2:23 – Who’s that kissing on her neck? …Are they actually brother and sister? You know…Lannister style.
2:45 – Man, this house has those walls like the ones in Bill Gates’ house that change depending on who enters the room. I’m just waiting for this dude to give Celine the biggest hickie ever.
3:03 – After watching that montage, it seems like this guy never actually stands in front of Celine. I wouldn’t either due to her being a Canadian.
3:19 – “Ahhh!! Wind blew me over!”
3:28 – Ghost motorcycle guy rides his motorcycle down the hall and through the door? Good thing there isn’t any carpet in there. Didn’t we learn our lesson from Ghost Dad in 1990?
3:57 – Who put that candle in the middle of the hall way? She acts like if she just came across some bear scat or something.
4:30 – Celine Dion’s real husband is only 26 years older than her. So that’s cool.
6:02 – Oh man, this video is over. Once again, this song is awesome, but the video makes me want to kill Meatloaf.
What did we learn about the 90s today?
1) Celine didn’t sing this song first.
2) Her husband is 2.6 decades older than her.
3) The 90s consisted of dunkaroos, Gak, and wearing your clothes backwards.
4) The Chinese do everything better than us.
…But “thank you” Canada for Celine.