Alex becomes a gaucho and JoJo kiss on a horse on the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”

Sometimes love makes people do foolish things, and our Bachelorette JoJo is about to experience that first hand.

Have you ever pretended to be someone you’re not? Probably at some point, especially when it’s for someone you’re trying to impress. And while most of us aren’t going to go Frank Abagnale and do something extreme like fly a plane without a pilot’s license, I think it’s safe to assume that most people will embellish the truth to get what they want.

And hey…it works both ways on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. After all, how do you explain a guy walking around with eight girls on his arms unless he’s Hugh Hefner or filming a rap video.

stewartesses

The Bachelorette is a social experiment. Most of these guys came on the show with hidden agendas or something else in mind, but now we’re to the point where some of them might actually be falling in love.

tumblr_mjokl9QHnp1reymheo1_500

While the other guys might be using the word “love” as a last-ditch effort to bring JoJo home to meet their family.

Will Alex stay true to his claims, or do we finally find out if he’s a horse of a different color?

“I’m Your Goocho”

JoJo hates baggage fees >> Nothing’s shocking >> Chris is a communicator >>  Alex throws a tantrum >> Every dog has its day >> MC Alex drops his first single >> JoJo retakes Spanish 101 >> JoJo likes a man in uniform >> The horse whisperer >> Alex makes a desperation play >> JoJo loses respect

Best

JoJo packs to leave Buenos Aires, but she’s only using one bag and it’s not much larger than an oversized purse. So, either she has one of those vacuum sealers, or she bought her bag at Mary Poppins’ yard sale.

JoJo leaves her hotel in Buenos Aires, Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Worst

Alex describes being “shell shocked” at last night’s rose ceremony even though earlier he called it a “pity rose.” However, at this point in Alex’s life he should never be surprised when a girl feels sorry for him. 99.9% of the time she’s going to be taller, and then she has to explain to her parents why she’s dating a 14-year with a full arm tattoo.

It’s also a shame the guys who listed the Ninja Turtles movies as their favorite aren’t still there, because they would have really appreciated that “shell shock” reference.

ninja-turtles-april-Michelangelo

Best

Chris Harrison claims that he talks to JoJo EVERY NIGHT and knows she’s a strong, independent woman. I immediately expected a jealous Alex to question him about why he gets so much one-on-one time with her, but he probably remembered it was actually Chris who gave him the pity rose and kept his mouth shut.

Alex complains about not getting a one on one date with JoJo on the Bachelorette.

Worst-est

Alex can’t stop whining about not having a one-on-one date with JoJo, but shouldn’t he be boasting that he’s made it this far without one? Come on, Alex, you’re the king of the humblebrag.

barney stinson humblebrag

Things got a little more relaxed and normal once his name was called on the date card.

“I’m not looking at this as a chance for me to fall in love with JoJo, but for her to fall in love with me.” – Alex

Much better, Alex. Much better.

Worst

JoJo is probably glad she didn’t see this pack of dogs tied to a post, or she would have spent all day petting them and never left for her date with Alex.

In retrospect, that could have been the best decision of her life, though the conversation might have lagged as much as it did with Alex.

dogs-jojo-bachelorette-argentina

Best

Compare and contrast:

1. JoJo greets Alex with a courtesy hug as he leans in to kiss her, while…
2. Jordan grinds JoJo against a wall for a 15-minute make-out sesh with a bunch of dudes on the other side.

Alex hugs JoJo before their gaucho one on one date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Discuss.

Best-er

Alex sits in the middle of the back seat on the way to their date, so he’s either barely past the height requirement or they’re breaking all kinds of child safety laws.

Alex rides in the back seat with JoJo on the way to their gaucho date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

I’m not even talking about the five point harness either. Where’s that kid’s booster seat!?

Worst-est-er

Alex doesn’t “normal” very well.

JoJo thinks this date is going to feel like an average day, but only if your day usually consists of babysitting a 9-year old who refuses to take their ADD meds. After several moments of silence, Alex got bored and starting asking stupid questions:

“Is that wheat? Is this the wheat bowl of the country?” – Alex

“I don’t know. Just be normal!” – JoJo, exasperated

…and then tried to kiss JoJo with lips made out of Sour Cream Ruffles.

Alex tries to kiss JoJo with chips in his mouth in the car ride to their gaucho date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Oh my gosh, when is nap time???

Worst

Alex tells JoJo he’s actually pretty good at freestyling and challenges her to give him something to rap about. It’s his “go to line” guys.

“Yo yo, JoJo, gots to go to the liquor sto.” – MC Alex

Ironically, the most clever part of the rap was rhyming “JoJo” with the one place she wishes the car could stop at right now.

Also, rhyming “Yo” or similar words with “Sto” is probably one of the top five most common rap phrases of all time, along with “friends” with “Benz,” “cool” with “school” and “heat” with “beat. So, Alex is basically no more creative in his word play than those worksheets you did in Kindergarten.

diddy

Not so fast, record companies. Diddy already signed him.

Best

Where’s that liquor sto’ at?

Alex rides in the back seat with JoJo on the way to their gaucho date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Best/Worst

I’m still confused about JoJo’s relationship with the Spanish language.

JoJo tells Alex this is an “estancia” which means “farm,” and gives an extensive history of Argentinian horse training. Literally MINUTES later, JoJo can’t even pronounce “Hola” correctly when meeting the gauchos.

One moment she’s the founding member of Rosetta Stone, and the next she’s super villain Megamind. I don’t get it.

megamind

Best

“Is this what female gauchos look like?” – JoJo, already knowing the answer.

No, because unlike most of us, JoJo looks flawless in her riding pants. And in case you’re wondering, this is what actual female gauchos look like:

fat-mexican-gaucho

Worst

If JoJo didn’t want to kiss him before, she sure isn’t going to want to after seeing Alex in full gaucho gear.

Alex shows off his gaucho gear to JoJo on the Bachelorette.

I couldn’t tell if he looked more like Napoleon Bonaparte getting ready for a polo match:

NAPOLEON-BONAPARTE-horse

…An ACTUAL SIZE action figure of G.I. Joe Leader, Flint:

flint-gi-joe

…the little brother of Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast:

Belle-and-Gaston

…or the first male member of the Wilderness Girls from Troop Beverly Hills:

red-feathers

Best-est-est-er

The old guy tells Alex he cannot become a gaucho because you have to be born one. Since gauchos are known as “strong, sensitive cowboys,” then that statement is actually VERY accurate. If gaucho meant “self-obsessed douchebag” then Alex has absolutely nothing to worry about.

Worst

Are we REALLY sure that JoJo is from Texas?

For someone who proclaims to value different cultures so much, she hasn’t even taken the time to experience her own back home. First, we’ve heard her absolutely butcher the Spanish language, and now she has no idea how to correctly mount a horse.

We’re not horsing around. #TheBachelorette is back in action!

What would she do if she ever actually met a real unicorn? Decorate its horn?

Best-est

Since Alex couldn’t become a real gaucho, he was also limited in the type of horse he could ride.

Alex learns he cannot become a gaucho with JoJo on the Bachelorette.

I only wish that horses had height requirements and The Bachelorette aired on NBC, because then Alex could have done a great crossover episode with Little Sebastian on Parks and Rec.

little-sebastion

Worst

Alex insists on riding right next to JoJo and attempts to awkwardly hold hands with her. Alex compares this moment to “something out of a Ralph Lauren magazine ad.” JoJo agreed, but only if the ad was her sitting alone holding a dog and wishing for this date to be over.

ralph-loren-jojo

Best

The gaucho shows them a special technique they use to break the will of the horse and conquer their hearts. He gently – but forcefully – bends the horse’s head down until it lies down on the ground, and then proceeds to give it a full body massage.

Alex and JoJo watch the gaucho tame a horse on the bachelorette.

Alex is lucky this wasn’t a two-on-one date, because the horse probably would have got the rose.

Best/Worst

JoJo and Alex manage to create the least romantic moment in Bachelorette history together as they laid across the horse’s neck while the gauchos were forced to watch them kiss.

Alex and JoJo share a kiss on the neck of a horse on the bachelorette.

Alex leans over and tells JoJo “I’m your goocho” and she surprisingly corrects him. So, apparently you at least need to know more Spanish than JoJo to gain her respect.

Best

JoJo insists on having a dog sit next to her during dinner. She also had someone else drive them to the farm, and then only kissed Alex while lying across a horse and having a gaucho watch. It’s very clear that she’s terrified of being alone with him because she knows the dangers of interacting with obsessed little people.

hobbit

Worst

Alex describes this date as “the happiest day of his life,” forgetting that phrase is something that should never be uttered if you’re a contestant on The Bachelorette. It’s the equivalent of saying “What could go wrong?” in a movie just before you’re sliced to death by an axe murderer.

Best

Alex reveals his love for JoJo, but she can’t reciprocate because his love doesn’t “excite her.”

Alex and Jojo have dinner with a dog on their date on the Bachelorette.

Best

She decides to send Alex home now and not make him wait around all week out of respect. Actually, I think “respect” for Alex walked right out the door once you made him wear that ridiculous gaucho outfit and make out with you while laying on a horse. If I were Alex I’d at least want to chill with the bros at that resort the whole week, so this is actually worse than the potential embarrassment of a rose ceremony.

Worst

For such a self proclaimed “stand-up guy,” Alex couldn’t even look JoJo in the eye or hug her on his way out.

JoJo sends home Alex on the Bachelorette.

Farewell, short prince.



“The Bros On The Bus Go Round And Round, Round And Round”

The Muppets Take Buenos Aires >> East Coast/West Coast battles >> A meat comparison >> Jordan Entitled, Part II

Best

The rest of the guys have to ride a colorful but shady-looking bus to their next hotel. And while it probably wouldn’t pass an emissions test in the United States, they should just be glad a puppet wasn’t driving it, because it looked like Dr. Teeth’s Electric Mayhem bus from the Muppet movies.

Jordan, Luke, Robby, James and Chase board a bus in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Best-er

To pass the time, the guys make up a rap on their bus ride. And while it wasn’t on the same level as Biggie/2Pac, any diss track about Alex is a top 10 hit.

Jordan, Luke, Robby, James and Chase board a bus in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

However, resident “songwriter” James Taylor sure does a lot of waiting around for his one line. Are any of these guys actually successful in their chosen fields?

Worst

Robby isn’t good at comparisons.

The bus stops for a BBQ lunch at some random food cart, and they are served some questionable pieces of meat.

“I would rather be with JoJo than eat cow intestines all day.” – Robby

Usually when you do comparisons like that the first thing is something you normally hate, but the thing you’re currently doing makes that first thing desirable by comparison.

Best

Jordan refuses to eat the BBQ lunch because he’s a “picky eater,” but we know it’s just because he used to the finer things in life.

Jordan is a picky eater on the Bachelorette.



“A Moment To Wine”

Jordan flies the friendly skies >> JoJo learns how to make ham bone soup >> They both put their foot in their mouth >> Jordan isn’t connected >> Aaron has middle child syndrome >> Jordan rewrites history

Worst

In a failed attempt to further shed his “entitled” image, Jordan flies JoJo on a private jet to go wine tasting. He immediately tries to act like an average Joe again by complaining about not being able to wear sweats on the plane.

Jordan and JoJo fly on a private jet to go wine tasting on the Bachelorette.

Best

Jordan tells JoJo that if she comes to dinner in his hometown she will meet his mom, his dad, his brother Luke, and…Carl Weathers? No, not THAT Carl Weathers, it’s actually his brother’s dog. This is equally disappointing for America and for real Carl Weathers, because we all know how much he loves a free meal.

Best

JoJo and Jordan go grape stomping without any issues, but raise your hand if you secretly wanted Jordan to take a huge dive like that Fox News reporter on YouTube:

Grape Stomping Lady Falls

…But watching them take huge swigs of their foot juice was a nice consolation prize.

Jordan and JoJo squash grapes and drink wine on their date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Worst

Chase and Luke agree that Jordan has an edge because JoJo knew about him before the show started.

“If you have box seats to the Super Bowl you’re a front-runner.” – Luke

Ummm…I don’t think a lot of celebrities get box seats to the Super Bowl, much less a former NFL practice squad quarterback. Like, I don’t think Jordan could even score a box seat to a pre-season game in Cleveland if the Packers were in town.

Worst-est

One person who won’t be on his home town date is Jordan’s “middle brother” Aaron. That’s like Tito Jackson asking someone if they’ve heard any songs by his “light-skinned” brother, Michael.

michael-jackson-bubbles

Jordan isn’t close to Aaron, but he makes it sound like Aaron has also completely abandoned their parents.

“That’s the way he’s chosen to do life. I’ve chosen to stay close to my parents and family.”

Jordan doesn’t think Aaron even knows he’s on The Bachelorette. Oh trust me, Jordan, he knows you’re on The Bachelorette, but he’s chosen to ignore it in the same way you wouldn’t acknowledge your uncle who’s a famous porn star. Yes, a lot of people are going to know who he is, but not for any reasons you’re particularly proud of.

Also, JoJo was visibly disappointed that Aaron won’t be there, but not for the reason you think.

Jordan and JoJo have dinner on their date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Worst-er-est

Jordan blames all the disappointments in his life on being compared to Aaron, and that he could have kept playing football, but didn’t want it to define him. In actuality, Jordan is disappointed with football because he sucks at it, and he could not have kept playing football if he wanted to…because he sucks at it.

There are plenty of brothers who have found success in the NFL. If you are good, then you are playing. Ask these guys:

nfl-brothers

Frickin’ Jordan, man.



“Back To The Hotel”

When it rains, it pours >> James must be full >> JoJo experiments >> The guys test their artistic skills >> Robby goes crazy for a full moon >> James brings out the claws >> Robby bounces back >> Chase learns the feels >> James can’t take a hint

Best

When JoJo’s original date plan gets rained out, she invites the guys to her suite for an epic sleepover of playing party games and eating junk food.

JoJo, Robby, Chase and James spend the evening together on their date on the bachelorette.

If this is the best “Plan B” the Bachelorette producers can come up with then I applaud them, because it’s a way better idea than 99.9% of the other date plans they think of. I would much rather watch Robby act out his favorite movie during a normal game of charades than watch Evan try and play football, or listen to Christian talk about his first sexual experience.

Worst

Potato products are not sexy, guys.

James stuffs his mouth with french fries on the bachelorette.

James takes a page from Alex’s dating book before he left, because he tries to impress JoJo by shoving his mouth full of French Fries.

James stuffs his mouth with french fries on the bachelorette.

At least it kept James from singing, so there’s that.

Best

For their first activity, JoJo asks the guys to sit Indian style on the ground and massage each other. I assume that making them perform semi-homoerotic things is either her idea of a playful joke, or she’s actually tired of making out with all of them and wants a change of scenery.

6bLWiqL

Best

They play a game of Pictionary and someone draws a stick figure with muscles. Okay, this one should be easy.

JoJo draws Chad during a game of dictionary on the bachelorette.

The other ones were a little tougher to get.

JoJo draws Chad during a game of dictionary on the bachelorette. JoJo draws Chad during a game of dictionary on the bachelorette. JoJo draws Chad during a game of dictionary on the bachelorette.

Worst

During a game of truth or dare, JoJo dares Robby to strip down to his underwear and run down the hallway. He accepts, and even knocks on everyone’s hotel room door and moons everybody for good measure.

Robby strips down and moons everyone for his dare on the Bachelorette.

Good job, JoJo, for letting him off so easy. Robby is a former competitive swimmer and has travelled to thousands of swim meets. He’s probably done this EXACT SAME THING in his Speedo many, many times. Truth or Dare is supposed to make the other person step out of their comfort zone, not make them perform something they already enjoy doing.

Best/Worst

While sharing some 4-way cuddle time on the bed, James calls out Robby for checking out attractive women on the street.

“What do they call you? W.E.R. – Wandering Eye Robby.” – James, forgetting his worse nickname

What James fails to notice is that his left arm is draped comfortably across Chase’s crotch.

Robby, Chase, James and JoJo cuddle on the bed for the Bachelorette.

Chase was all smiles, so I guess “no harm, no foul” on that one.

Best

They catch an episode of the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. At first it seemed just like the American version, but I think they play by a few different rules in South America.

Robby, Chase, James and JoJo cuddle on the bed for the Bachelorette and watch the Brazilian version of the Bachelor.

Worst/Best-est

JoJo finally confronts Robby about his ex girlfriend, whom he allegedly broke up with just a few months ago in order to be a contestant on The Bachelorette. Robby insists he’s moved on, but JoJo is concerned about how recently it ended.

JoJo confronts Robby about his ex girlfriend on the bachelorette.

Robby doesn’t specifically say why they broke up after three years, but does reveal that he only saw his ex girlfriend’s mom ONCE and NEVER saw her house.

Oh my gosh, did Robby get catfished!?

catfished

Worst

Our lovable robot Chase is still trying to learn how to properly express his emotions to JoJo. He claims that he “likes” her a lot, but also says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Hey, if Chase is just looking for a long-term roommate that he occasionally hooks up with, then he should talk to Wells when the show’s over.

chase talks to JoJo about their relationship on the Bachelorette.

Worst

JoJo says James has EVERY quality she wants in a husband and father, but he questions her physical connection with him when compared to Luke and Jordan.

James talks to JoJo about their relationship on the Bachelorette.

James is living one of his songs.



“All The Pretty Horses”

Luke horse bond runs strong >> JoJo learns gun safety

Best

JoJo basically takes Luke on the same date she just experienced with Alex, minus the potato chip kissing and terrible berets. Similarly to the gauchos, Luke describes his first physical connection to a horse in the same way a normal guy would talk about how he lost his virginity.

“When I was 12 I broke my first horse. That’s when you separate them from the herd and saddle them. Take them from being wild to trusting you.” – Luke, probably needing to get a room

Jo and Luke ride horses for their date in Argentina on the Bachelorette.

Worst

JoJo has a hard time holding the rifle during the clay pigeon shooting portion of the date, but Luke gives her some helpful tips. What he should have done was give her a quick lesson on gun safety, because she nearly points it back at Luke after celebrating her first successful shot.

JoJo and Luke go clay pigeon shooting on the Bachelorette.

Even Luke has to be questioning JoJo’s real home town at this point, right?



“The Final Four”

The guys slow ride >> James makes a valiant exit >> Chase’s section weapon is revealed

Best

The guys travel to the rose ceremony via Argentina’s version of UBER.

uber

Worst

James is predictably eliminated, but JoJo still really wants him to find the perfect girl. This also feels like a HUGE set up for the next season of The Bachelor.

James says bye to JoJo after he's eliminated on the bachelorette.

So girls…sign up now if you want a semi-attractive guy to play the guitar and sing to you for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Best

No wonder Chase snagged the final rose. What he lacks in emotion he sure makes up for in robotic arm attachments.

Chase massages JoJo's head on the Bachelorette.

Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


Check out Hello, Loser on Facebook

Talk to me, loser.