ABC's The Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher poses with the Season 12 Bachelors.

Bachelorette Breakdown – Not Your Average JoJo’s

What is love? Our newest Bachelorette, JoJo Fletcher is about to find out… … …again……maybe.

When we last saw JoJo on The Bachelor she was not in a good place. Well…technically she was in a good place, because staying at a fancy villa in Jamaica sounds prettttty awesome.

No, she spent most of the time crying on the bathroom floor and making faces like this:

Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher gets rejected by Ben on the finale.

You know, the same faces you make when you’re told you’re getting a car for your 16th birthday…and it ends up being your uncle’s 1993 Toyota Camry that still has a tape deck. “Hey, it’s a car, ain’t it,” says your dad.

Well, much like sad birthdays and promises unfulfilled, JoJo experienced the “’93 Camry” of relationships when Bachelor Ben Higgins said he loved her. Unfortunately for JoJo, he loved someone else just a little bit more.

Of course, time heals all wounds, and JoJo was able to recover. But can she find love again? Well, she almost didn’t even get the chance. Ben’s second runner-up Caila Quinn was originally supposed to be The Bachelorette this season, but producers pulled the plug at the last-minute and offered the gig to JoJo.

Apparently they wanted JoJo just a little bit more.

Now she has 26 more reasons to fall in love…again……maybe.

Let’s meet JoJo’s Bachelors!

Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Alex

Alex

(aka Short Man’s Syndrome)

Occupation: U.S. Marine
Height: 5’7″
Tattoos: “Yes. They are all family or work-related.”
Favorite movies: Troy, Inglourious Basterds, 300
Do you like to dance? “Not really. I typically will only slow dance. I’m not into the whole ‘booty dancing’ thing.”
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? “Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”

Best

Alex has gone out of his way to let everyone know how manly he is. This is somewhat refreshing since most of the Bachelor contestants walk around in skinny jeans and SWEAR that The Notebook is their favorite movie. Come on guys, just admit it’s really Weekend at Bernie’s and stop your web of lies.

If Alex really ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled an unconscious driver to safety then that is 100% dope. And if he DOESN’T bring that up on the first night then HE is a 100% dope. Maybe he could even set the limo on fire and reenact it for JoJo as his big entrance.

Finally, anyone who refers to it as “booty dancing” knows their place and shouldn’t be on the dance floor anyway. I bet when he slow dances he actually counts the steps out loud too like Willard from Footloose. “Real men don’t dance. They drive trucks and kill people.” Right, Alex?

Worst

When you can tell a guy is short just by looking at a picture of his face then he’s already in big trouble. At a mere 5’7″ there’s no doubt Alex has been compensating for something most of his adult life.

walmart-tattoo

Would you tramp stamp Walmart’s logo on your lower back? NO! I don’t even care if you were Employee of the Month. There’s only a few situations that would necessitate a “work-related” tattoo:

  1. Hot Topic manager
  2. Barista worker (ANY Barista)
  3. On the show Inked or Ink Masters
  4. Circus performer
  5. If you were Michael from Prison Break

Prediction

If there are other short guys among the cast, Alex can skate through for a couple of weeks before JoJo sends him home. If not, he better watch his back that first night OR just stand in the back row on a shoebox.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Ali

Ali

(aka the Arachnophobiac )

Occupation: Bartender
I love it when my date…: “Dresses sexy.”
Favorite movie: Dumb and Dumber
Do you have a serious fear of any animal? “Bugs, cockroaches, bees.”
What’s your favorite flower? “Seriously!? ROSE!”

Best

When you meet someone new, your main goal (without having to actually get to know them) is to figure out if they suck or not. A quick preliminary test is to ask them if they like the movie Dumb and Dumber. If they say “yes” then you can feel confident giving that person at least a few more minutes of your time. Ali passes the initial suck test.

Worst

While bugs, cockroaches and bees are all gross, they are technically NOT animals. That’s like saying your favorite vegetable is a tomato. This also means JoJo will have to kill all the spiders that come into their house. Something to consider.

If a rose is REALLY Ali’s favorite flower, then he should also know that roses attract bugs. Do you see the hole you’ve dug by saying that, Ali? Don’t pick the obvious choice unless you can deal with the consequences.

Also, his aggressively salmon shirt is just really hard to get past. Apparently “dressing sexy” only applies to his dates.

Prediction

If Ali’s introduction to JoJo doesn’t halfway resemble this then he’s not taking full advantage of his name:

tumblr_n5h6wbwxWo1r4q7zxo4_250 prince-ali giphy



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Brandon

Brandon

(aka Dmitry from Project Runway)

Occupation: Hipster
What are your three best attributes? “Humble, creative, athletic”
All-time favorite movies: Good Will Hunting, The Dark Knight, Her
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? “Yes, hopeless. I see love everywhere. I want to experience someone from the inside out. I want The Notebook-type of experience.”

Best

He looks just like Dmitry from Project Runway.

This season will be amazing if he calls out the other Bachelors like Dmitry did the other designers. Any morning that sees Brandon going off on Christian’s outfit choice will be magical.

its-like-diah

Also, people who describe their best attribute as “being humble” are fascinating, and every reality show should have at least one.

Worst

He looks just like Dmitry from Project Runway.

Also, for someone whose occupation is “hipster-ing” Brandon certainly likes a lot of very mainstream things. Your favorite movie is The Dark Knight? You know who else loves that movie? Pretty much any male born from 1995 on up. True hipsters would never watch The Dark Knight unless it was some black & white French Indie film with subtitles, and then they would immediately hate it once it got nominated for an Oscar.

If you’re going to major in hipster – much less have it be your career – then you need to learn to pretty much hate everything that most people like.

Prediction

Brandon will stick around until he realizes he’s a “fan favorite” and then he’ll leave on his own terms. “I liked JoJo before any of you even knew about her.”

J/K – Brandon would never be a fan favorite.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Chad

Chad

(aka Lord of the Douche)

Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
Who do you admire most in the world and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”
What’s your worst date memory? “A girl got blackout drunk and passed out during dinner.”

Best

Probably the part when I stopped reading his bio. His Matthew McConaughey impression was spot on, though.

serious

Worst

Everything Chad says. The girl who blacked out on their date probably had the right idea.

Prediction

Chad is the quintessential 80s teen movie villain, which means he’s going to make it far enough that the other contestants tattle on him to JoJo because he may not be here for the “right reasons.” JoJo will feel torn because Chad “is such a great guy around her” and Chad will plant the seed in her head that the other contestants are “just jealous of their connection.”

Count on JoJo making out with Chad at least half a dozen times.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Chase

Chase

(aka Cat’s in the Cradle)

Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Tattoos: “Lion on my left ribs.”
Favorite movies: Gladiator, Ace Ventura, The Chronicles of Narnia
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “My dad, to get a better understanding of the decisions he made.”
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? “Sell my truck.”

Best

Chase is good-looking in his face, or just very photogenic, or both.

Worst

Other than LOVING The Chronicles of Narnia movie, there’s no major red flags in his bio. This usually indicates some major internal issues, and Chase clearly needs to come to terms with his daddy. Did he see his father drive off in a truck and that’s why he won’t sell his??? Does his lion tattoo represent the safety and protection he missed out on not having his dad around??? Hopefully these questions can be answered by going on a group date with 5 other guys to play dodge ball.

“DAD WOULD NEVER PLAY DODGE BALL WITH ME!!” – probably what Chase would say if they played dodge ball.

Prediction

Chase will make it far, but only if JoJo can convince him he is “NOTHING like his father!”

Also, he can bring up the dad thing, but if does it too much everyone will stop caring – even JoJo. He needs to use it on the first night and then not again until he senses that JoJo is going to dump him.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Christian

Christian

(aka A Real Go-Getter)

Occupation: Telecom Consultant
What are your three best attributes? “Work ethic, ability to assimilate and connect with all types of people, ambitious and hungry to learn.”
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? “Two cats. Ex took my Chihuahua.”
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “Strip shows and lap dances in college.”
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? “1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.”

Best

A man who owns two cats AND admits it can face anything life throws at him.

Shaq-and-cat-gif

Worst

Judging by his three best attributes it sounds more like he’s applying for the Head of Southeastern Regional Sales position at Kinkos than trying to score with JoJo. If she asks him what his biggest flaw is I hope he says “Ummmm, welllll…I guess being a perfectionist.” If Christian also inquires about JoJo’s stock options I’ll lose it.

Prediction

Christian and Grant will confront Jake at the “Men Tell All” for claiming to be the “REAL black guy” this season.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Coley

Coley

(aka Phonius Nameious)

Occupation: Real Estate Consultant
What’s your favorite holiday and why? “4th of July…because ‘Merica.”
What’s your worst date memory? “When she told me she was moving in – a week after the first date.”
What’s your all-time favorite book and why? “The Harry Potter series. It’s something that I grew up with and it got me into reading.”
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? “1) Go on an African safari 2) Visit every U.S. State 3) Visit the 7 Wonders of the World.”

Best

He likes Harry Potter.

Worst

“Coley” is not a real name. But, then again, neither is “JoJo” so maybe they’re probably a match made in heaven.

Prediction

If Coley can work the “I’m a real estate agent, you’re a real estate agent” angle then he’s guaranteed to go far. If not, he’ll have to convince her that a great couple name for them would be “CoJo.” Then he probably wins the whole thing.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Daniel

Daniel

(aka Lambo)

Occupation: Male Model
Tattoos: “No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.”
All-time favorite movies: “I don’t have faves, but one top recent movie was The Revenant.”
What’s your biggest date fear? “That she doesn’t look like she does in pictures. Or when on a date, she embarrasses me in a restaurant.”
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? “Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?”

Best

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Though he has declared war on Chad for biggest douche, so there’s that.

Worst

Daniel.

Prediction

Daniel will say at least ten things the first night that make you want to punch him in the face, but JoJo will still give him the “first impression” rose.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Derek

Derek

(aka Hot Macgyver)

Occupation: Commercial Banker
What are your best attributes? “My baby blues seem to get a lot of front-end attention.”
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? “As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.”
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? “Fluffy kittens.”

Best

Derek would rather survive on a deserted island with duct tape instead of food, so he’s basically a combination of Bear Grylls and MacGyver.

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Worst

Derek comes across as a blue-eyed elitist. They’re only attracted to girls with similarly pretty blue eyes so that someday they can have pretty blue-eyed children and teach them to believe they are better than everyone else. And no, I was never rejected by someone with pretty blue eyes, so stop asking!

Prediction

Derek’s eyes are too mesmerizing for JoJo to dump him anytime soon. I just hope if he gives her a ring it isn’t made from a paper clip and a wad of gum.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Evan

Evan

(aka The Guy Who Like Boners)

Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction (ED) Expert
What are your three best attributes? “Openness, fun, first impression.”
What is your favorite memory from your childhood? “Going to Disney World with my Grandma.”
What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships? “Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.”
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? “Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.”

Best

At first glance Evan possesses no redeeming qualities, but you’ve got to agree with him that NOTHING is worse than chipped nail polish or a crippling food allergy. He fights battles few of us are willing to fight.

Worst

His job. I have so many questions for him:

  1. Can you think of a worse career choice than yours in 10 seconds or less?
  2. What is your degree in, and did you experiment on frog penises in your lab classes?
  3. Are you an expert at researching and treating methods to stop erectile dysfunction, or are you an expert at not getting erections?
  4. How do you graduate from being a ED Novice to an ED Expert?
  5. A simple “yes” or “no” question, Evan: Do you stare at wieners all day?

Prediction

Since one of Evan’s finest attributes is “first impression” we can expect A LOT of Evan in the season premier. Unfortunately he’s probably going to boner his opportunity.

ron-burgundy-boner

No, it’s not “the pleats” Evan.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Grant

Grant

(aka the black guy with all the tats)

Occupation: Firefighter
All-time favorite movies: Home Alone, The Bourne Identity, Ninja Turtles (the original one)
What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “Evaded police in Mexico on an ATV.”
What’s your worst date memory? “Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes.”

Best

The fact that he specified which Ninja Turtle movie was his favorite. That’s like saying you prefer “The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure” over “The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock.” It’s really inconsequential. You – a grown adult – just admitted you LOVE the Land Before Time movies.

Worst

He probably will want to fight Coley on the first day.

images_article_2015_09_24_controlyouremotions1

Prediction

Grant could last a few episodes, but if they ever go to Mexico on a super date then he’s screwed.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Jake

Jake

(aka Black Superman)
Occupation: Landscape Architect

All-time favorite movies: Ninja Turtles III, Skyfall, The Hangover
Where do you see yourself in five years? “Married to The Bachelorette with our first child.”
If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why? How would you use it? “I would love to fly, because traffic in LA sucks. I’m sure I would use it to help others as well.”
I hate it when my date…: “Chews with her mouth open.”

Best

Like Grant, Jake is also very specific about which Ninja Turtles movie he likes. I might be assuming something, but apparently Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze was a huge disappointment. I’m sure it had nothing to do with Vanilla Ice.

Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap [HD] Go Ninja, Go Ninja GO! – High Quality

Worst

Jake wants to be able to fly like Superman, but not to help and save humanity. He just wants to beat rush hour traffic.

Prediction

Jake actually claims to want to marry JoJo, so he will probably make it far enough for JoJo to prove to America that she is not a racist, at which point he will promptly be sent home due to “lack of connection.”



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant James F.

James F.

(aka Dad)

Occupation: Boxing Club Owner
Age: 34
Tattoos: “Right shoulder, left bicep, one on my back. All are being lasered off.”
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “Left the safety of chiropractic to pursue my fitness and acting dreams.”
What is your all-time favorite book and why? “Besides the Bible (since that seems cliché!), I liked The Circle series by Ted Dekker, or Wizard’s First Rule. Both create such vivid battle scenes you can almost smell the environment.”

Best

As the oldest Bachelor this season (34), James F. is here to show all these young bucks what they have to look forward to in the next 7-10 years.

  1. Start a mid-life crisis by quitting your dependable income job to try and become an actor.
  2. Remove all your killer tribal tats because “my dad bod’s a temple now, guys.”
  3. Assume that everyone’s favorite book is the Bible. James, bro…it’s 2016. Most people would say Harry Potter is their favorite book. (Sorry Coley)

I can’t wait until he hits up Evan for some ED advice.

Worst

If you’re going to pursue fitness dreams, make sure they are relevant to 2016. A boxing club? Where are you located – between the newspaper stand and the shoemaker? Can I listen to your fights on the radio right after Little Orphan Annie comes on?

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UFC. Pro Wrestling. Yoga. Heck, even Tae Bo. Those are fitness dreams I can get behind.

Prediction

If James F. starts getting over protective about JoJo or tells her to “cover up” on the first night, it’s probably his last.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant James S.

James S.

(aka the obsessed fan)

Occupation: Bachelor Superfan
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? “Yes, very much so. I’ve been intimate with very few women because I think sex is very important and not to be taken lightly. Never had a one-night stand or any intimacy with anyone I haven’t gotten to know for a while.”
I love it when my date…: “Doesn’t attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn’t touch on a date: the door and the bill.”
What’s the closet you have every come to being married? “It was to my girlfriend of seven years. We talked about a ring and family, but she couldn’t bring herself to move.”

Best

James S. seems like a good, old-fashioned gentleman, and someone you could take home to meet your parents…

Worst

…and speaking of parents, James S. obviously still lives with his because being a “Bachelor Superfan” isn’t a job. I checked.

Prediction

While James S. appears to be a swell guy, he might move a little too slow for a show like The Bachelorette. I mean, he could be faced with the decision of a fantasy suite in just a few weeks, yet it took his ex-girlfriend 7 years to decide she couldn’t move by him.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant James Taylor

James Taylor

(aka not THAT James Taylor)
Occupation: Singer-Songwriter

Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? “Party-starter all day!”
If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? “Starting NFL QB. How much fun/pressure would that be? Hero one week and hated the next…Love that pressure.”

Best

Somehow James Taylor was the only one of the three Jameses who wasn’t forced to use an initial for his last name. Why doesn’t he have to go by James T.? It must be in his contract.

Worst

Not only does he share the same name as 5-time Grammy winner and Rock-and-roll Hall of Famer James Taylor, he also chose to be a singer/songwriter like him too. I’m sure this is exactly how the real James Taylor feels about him:

If he busts out the guitar and starts strumming “Fire and Rain” – so help me.

Prediction

My money is on James Taylor to be the one who gets super drunk the first night and shows us what it’s really like to be an American.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Jonathan

Jonathan

(aka the token Asian)

Occupation: Technical Sales Rep
Tattoos: “Yes, my grandma on my inner arm and a tiger and Asian artwork on my left shoulder.”
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? “I’d say the party starter. I really like to dance, especially when I have had a few drinks.”
What foods do you most dislike? “Pretty much all vegetables. I eat like a 12-year-old. Gluten? I don’t think that’s a real allergy.”

Best

Jonathan calling out all the  Gluten Intolerant fakers,  is pretty great.

Worst

When he decided to wear that shirt.

Prediction

** SPOILER ** In a continuation of poor clothing choices, Jonathan decides to wear a kilt on the first night in the Bachelor house. He already has enough to overcome being the token Asian on the show, so why make your chances worse by culture-mixing? I refuse to believe there are any Asian Scotsman on this earth.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Jordan rodgers

Jordan

(aka Aaron Rodgers’ little brother)
Occupation: Former Pro Quarterback

Favorite movies: Gladiator, Wedding Crashers, Princess Bride
What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom? “Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.”
I hate it when my date…: “Doesn’t want to eat in front of me.”

Best

A hot football player who loves Princess Bride is probably the ultimate dream guy for most women. Fingers crossed that his first line out of the limo is:

princess-bride-suicide

Plus, JoJo would automatically get to hang out with Aaron Rodgers and Oliva Munn for like…the rest of her life. Or at least until Oliva dumps Aaron for Cam Newton.

Worst

Eaaaaaaasy there, Jordan. Let’s take a look at your “Pro” quarterback career. You went undrafted to the Jags in 2013, who immediately cut you in July. Tampa Bay picked you up in October, where you played on the practice squad before being cut AGAIN in February. The Dolphins signed you that April, only to release you just over a month later in May 2014.

Plus, you played at Vanderbilt, which barely has a football program.

Nice try, but don’t try to “Jessie Palmer” your way into this.

Prediction

Jordan has to be the immediate favorite to win the whole thing. I just hope when JoJo says “yes” that he immediately Discount Double Checks the camera.

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I also hope that James Taylor tries to talk to Jordan on the first night, since James’ dream is to become an NFL quarterback.

“That makes two of us, bro,” says Jordan, probably.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Luke

Luke

(aka the maybe, probably a serial killer guy)

Occupation: War Veteran
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? “Mark Cuban, because I want to know what he thinks made him successful.”
I hate it when my date…: “Talks about an ex, can’t make up her mind, or name drops.”

Best

By praising Mark Cuban, he’s already planning ahead for when he’s kicked off The Bachelorette. I have no idea what invention Luke would pitch on Shark Tank, but I’m sure it would be something that could wipe out all of humanity.

Worst

Luke looks exactly like a werewolf in the middle of the transition. Is he a man?? or a wolf?!? Ahhhhh! He’s both and we’re all dead.

thriller_wolf

Prediction

Luke will probably murder at least half the Bachelors and kidnap JoJo if he doesn’t get a rose the first night.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Nick B

Nick B.

(aka the Duck guy)

Occupation: Electrical Engineer
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “I would be the woman I want to marry so I could find out what’s in her head. Plus, I’m pretty sure I could only last a day being inside a woman’s head.”
Favorite magazine? “Ducks Unlimited”
Most romantic present you have ever received and why? “I don’t think I’ve ever received a romantic present — and I’m not sure why.”
How would you describe yourself as a lover? “Eager to please.”

Best

Nick B. thinks that women are SO insane that it would be difficult to last a single day inside their head, yet he subscribes to “Ducks Unlimited” magazine.

Classic Electrical Engineer foreplay.

Worst

This isn’t really Nick B.’s fault, but any questions about someone’s performance as “a lover” are like hearing the word “moist” or “curdle” whispered in your ear several hundred times.

When a guy is willing to admit that he is eager to please it’s usually the best way to say “super, super desperate.” I’m actually shocked Nick B. has never received a romantic present.

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Prediction

Nick B. will be the first guy to tell JoJo that he loves her, and we know how that turned out. #nevertoosoon



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Nick S.

Nick S.

(aka Fred from Scooby-Doo)

Occupation: Software Salesman
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “Chased a mountain lion.”
What foods do you most dislike? “Scary cheeses”
If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why? “Don Draper? James Bond? They kill it…”
What is your greatest achievement to date? “Eagle Scout”
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? “Visit every national park, sail around the world, and run a ranch and tomato farm.”

Best

Nick S. is still very proud that he earned his Eagle Scout award. So much so that he’s also on a campaign to bring back the ascot.

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Worst

His interests and accomplishments are so completely all over the board, that it’s really hard to determine what Nick S. stands for. He’ll risk his life to chase a mountain lion, but is scared to death of Colby Jack. He wants to run a tomato farm but still find time to sail around the world and spend three weeks at Yellowstone.

I feel like if he ever did get with JoJo that he’d be like “I love you, honey. Now let me introduce you to my 7 kids with my other family.”

Prediction

If Don Draper and James Bond are his heroes, then he probably thinks he’s having sex with JoJo within the first 20 minutes of meeting her.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Peter

Peter

Occupation: Staffing Agency Manager
What’s your most embarrassing moment? “My pants fell down in a football game.”
If you could live in any other time period, what would it be and why? “Mesozoic Era, so I could see dinosaurs.”
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? “Sk8er boi. I also went through a pretty ‘thuggish’ stage.”

Best

He knew the word “Mesozoic.” And “Era.” And what the Mesozoic Era is. And how to use it correctly in a sentence. Daaaang.

Worst

What would Thuggish Peter say if he saw you today in a pink V-neck rocking a molestache, Bachelorette Peter?

Prediction

Clueless Clip – 90's Baggy Pants Speech 'All the Young Dudes'

If Peter manages to recreate his “pants falling down at a football game” fiasco from high school he might not have a shot with JoJo, but Tai Frasier would be all over him.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Robby

Robby

(aka the guy in the Speedo™)

Occupation: Former Competitive Swimmer
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? “Yes, I have spent more of my life in a Speedo™ than in everyday clothes! #swimmerproblems”
What is your favorite flower? “Honeysuckle – delicious!”
Do you plan on having kids someday? “If yes, how many and why? Yes!! And hopefully soon! 3 … 4 … 5 … whatever my future wife and I are comfortable with. But coming from a large family, there’s no chance we stop at two!”

Best

Thank you, Robby, for clarifying that you were a competitive swimmer and not a PRO swimmer (see Rodgers, Jordan).

Worst

Improper use of the #swimmerproblems hashtag. Wearing a Speedo™ is not a swimmer problem, it’s a swimmer advantage. Drowning is a swimmer problem. So is being eaten by sharks. I would even accept ear infections.

Prediction

Robby has a solid shot at challenging Jordan for all the JoJo’s. I hope she’s fine with popping out 5 babies, though.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Sal

Sal

(aka the “and you arrrrre?” guy)

Occupation: Operations Manager
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “I egged a gym teacher’s house when I was in high school.”
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? “Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner. No Kardashians on the island.”
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? “A bowl cut as a kid.”

Best

No Kardashians allowed on Sal’s desert island. Preach. Though this does screw him out of any future appearances on the upcoming E! show Kourtney and Kim Take Ball’s Pyramid.

Worst

Cell phones will not work on desert islands.

Prediction

If Sal gets let go the first night (which he will), I really hope he eggs the Bachelor house.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Vinny

Vinny

(aka the Godfather)
Occupation: Barber

Tattoos: “None, my mom would kill me.”
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? “Oh, man! I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake — boy-band style.”
Do you consider yourself a good cook? “Yes, I like to cook Italian food.”
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? “Use turkey meat.”

Best

Your name is Vinny, you’re a barber, you refuse to use turkey meat, you listen to everything your mom says, and you frosted your tips in the 90s. Could he BE any more Italian?

Worst

Vinny’s most embarrassing style was looking like Justin Timberlake during his 90s heart-throb phase? Oh, that must have been so hard for you.

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Prediction

If a group of mobsters walked out of the bushes with tommy guns and shot up Vinny’s limo before he could get out I honestly wouldn’t be shocked.



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Wells

Wells

(aka the idiot who hates pizza)
Occupation: Radio DJ

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? “Syndicated, married with a couple kids.”
What foods do you most dislike? “I don’t love pizza. I know that’s weird, but it’s true.”

Best

He can dedicate a song to JoJo and he doesn’t even have to call into the radio station and wait on hold for 45 minutes.

Worst

It’s really, really hard to trust someone who doesn’t like pizza. There’s like…millions of different pizzas in the world, and he hates all of them. This is almost like saying you don’t like water. How do you live?

Prediction

People actually choose to listen to Wells talk first thing in the morning, so he’s got to be somewhat interesting. Question is, does he talk himself out of a rose?



Bachelorette JoJo Fletcher contestant Will

Will

(aka the guy who might be dead)
Occupation: Civil Engineer

Height: 6’2 ½”
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? “Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “Probably John Mayer because I want to melt faces with a guitar solo, then melt hearts with some sappy lyrics.”

Best

Will added the extra half-inch to his height.

Worst

Will openly admires John Mayer.

No Will! That’s like wanting to be like Chad or Daniel.

Prediction

I would openly rejoice if Will played dead and two guys carried him out of the limo while moving his arms and head saying “Whoa! Hey JoJo! Sorry, Will had a little too much in the limo – if you know what I mean – but he’ll talk to you later inside. Ummmkay bye!”

weekend-at-bernies

And then Will spent the next few weeks just chilling fake dead by the pool. That would be next-level “Bernie-ing.”

Good luck, JoJo!

Who stays and who goes home??? Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!

Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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6 thoughts on “Bachelorette Breakdown – Not Your Average JoJo’s”

  1. SERIOUSLY. I have the Hello Loser Shirt and this update is outta bounds. Can wait for your weekly updates!!!!!

Talk to me, loser.