Looks like everything’s “coming up roses” for our Bachelorette JoJo, and that’s absolutely the worst thing that could happen to her.
The season is more than half over and her boyfriends are all starting to act cocky. Each one thinks they’re the top guy, and they want JoJo to know it. The problem is…sometimes it sounds like JoJo believes all of them.
It’s like entering an important soccer tournament. Before it starts, everyone thinks their country is the best and has a shot to win it all. Now, we all know that’s not the case. So…Trinidad & Tobago, if you think I was including you in that conversation, then go ahead and send yourself home right now.
The final eight Bachelors are all strong suitors, but at this point who’s to say who the top guy is? I mean, Argentina was ranked number one in the world prior to this year’s COPA America Cup. But unlike Argentina’s soccer team, the final eight still have a legitimate shot at victory.
Things are about to get Messi. Let’s go to Argentina!
“A Bachelorette First”
JoJo has a strange fascination of wanting to play with EVERY dog she sees. Last week she chased a stray mutt around that drowning hand statue in Uruguay, and now she walks up to some random woman walking her dog. This would be fine if she were in Central Park in America, but they’re in Argentina, so this lady has NO IDEA idea what JoJo is saying, and probably thought she wanted to steal her dog.
In fact, if some beautiful random lady approached me surrounded by a camera crew, I’d assume I’m either going to be on the 6 o’clock news or kidnapped for ransom.
Further forgetting what country she’s in, JoJo greets host Chris Harrison in English after he says “!Hola!”
JoJo…you’re from Texas. Surely you picked up on some basic Spanish by now.
Robby isn’t the best at geography.
Robby can’t think of a “better city to fall in love than in Buenos Aires, Argentina,” but he declared his love for JoJo last week in Punta del Este, Uruguay.
So…at BEST he picked the second place city to fall in love, but we all know there’s no way any place in a South American third world country makes the Top 50. I can name several cities in Italy, France and even the United States that are more romantic.
Congratulations, Robby. You probably picked the 173rd best city to fall in love. It’s not a bad thing, but don’t act like you’re suddenly the Most Interesting Man in the World.
JoJo is excited to be in Argentina because she says traveling was her favorite part about being on The Bachelor.
“Oh, and Ben was cool too…” – JoJo, remembering that she’s here for the right reasons.
Chris Harrison drops a bomb on the guys by telling them that for the first time in Bachelor history there will be TWO two-on-one dates this season. The guys who should immediately be worried are the ones who suddenly have every camera pointed at them.
“All’s Wells In Love And War”
JoJo sends her demands >> Don’t kiss Wells goodbye just yet >> Wells creates the perfect storm and learns the running man >> JoJo enjoys a wet kiss >> They share a passionate debate >> The friend zone train arrives early
JoJo sends Wells a date card
encouraging demanding that he kiss her today. Maybe she and Robby actually do have something in common.
Wells is super excited for his date with a beautiful girl, but in the same way a 16-year-old feels when he finally gets to drive his dad’s new Ferrari. It sounds incredible, but no teenager should be operating something their body and mind have NO IDEA how to control.
Wells buys JoJo a cheap necklace from a street vendor on the way to their date and proclaims “We’ll take it!” like he’s buying her a diamond brooch at Tiffany’s. Remember Wells, this is someone you’re trying to kiss, not hold hands with during the pep assembly.
Then again, his sex story from the previous group date did involve farting, so there’s that.
Wells is waiting for the perfect moment to give her a “once in a lifetime” kiss, but even in the movies this never happens. And no, not even the animated ones.
For everything to be perfect for that first kiss, you have to combine a romantic setting with soft lighting, mood music and usually an activity involving water.
And yet, even with the help of magical talking animals things just aren’t going to go as planned.
When they show up to Fuerza Bruta, Wells feels like this could be the moment.
Soft lighting? Check. Mood music? Check. Half naked women staring down at you from the suspended pool above? Ummmm…WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!
OK, so that wasn’t the “perfect” setting, but JoJo still has her mind set on a kiss, even if it means using the old “High Five Fake Out” trick first to break the tension.
It was very similar to the bouncing half hug between Chris and Jamie in Just Friends.
Wells isn’t very good at the dictionary.
Artist Fabio invites them to experience parts of the show for themselves, and Wells says he’s never been a part of “performance art” before. Apparently he forgot about the Sex Talks comedy hour from a couple weeks ago on the group date, AND the actual TV show that he’s currently on – The Bachelorette.
You could also probably count his radio DJ job. Wells, your entire life is literally performance art, bro.
Wells agrees to try out the “Running Man” portion of the show, where a well dressed guy is shot in the stomach, and then has to sprint on a giant treadmill while avoiding various objects flying at him.
In actuality, it was pretty symbolic of the various stages one experiences before officially entering the “friend zone.”
Finally, Wells and JoJo made it to the suspended wave pool. Normally an activity like this could be considered “sexy,” but it felt like we were witnessing a water birth of fraternal twins.
In a desperation move, JoJo intentionally rubbed her body all over Wells, and he was able to eventually maneuver his face toward her mouth for the much anticipated kiss.
While it was sweet and totally overdue, it’s funny how that moment…
…could’ve been so much better if you brought back the creepy, half-naked people and an audience with Instagram accounts.
It’s no wonder Wells is feeling like his relationship with JoJo is way behind the other guys. Forget the fact that they hadn’t even kissed until today, JoJo hasn’t even used her favorite ice breaker question on him yet.
We already know JoJo doesn’t know how to Internet, but now she’s also failed at Twitter.
Wells believes honesty is the most important attribute to his soul mate because “passion will fade.” JoJo thinks you can keep the passion alive with throughout your entire married life.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
We're assembling a crib from Ikea… Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?
— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) March 11, 2015
Marriage is basically just eating together and watching HGTV until you die.
— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) February 19, 2015
I'm at the level of marriage where "getting lucky tonight" just means we're having tacos for dinner.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 27, 2015
Wells admitted to being skeptical about the show, but after their kiss he describes their dating potential as “viable.” Meanwhile, JoJo thinks Wells is “intriguing.”
Congratulations, you guys. You’ve just found the least romantic way to label your relationship.
Wells doesn’t want to talk about his ex-girlfriend, but JoJo makes him because she has to talk about both of her exes all the time.
“What was his name? Ben, right? You only mentioned him about 3,000 times so I wasn’t sure.” -- Wells, in his head
That’s like my grandma telling me over and over about her bunion surgery or her latest bout with urinary incontinence. Once is enough to both feel her pain and still give myself time to erase it from my memory, but after ten times I feel like I should also be wearing an adult diaper.
Wells tells JoJo that his latest relationship lasted for four years, until one day they realized they were best friends just living together. So, either he was rooming with his sister and didn’t know it, or Wells just gave some chick four years of free rent.
Wells not only gets a one-way ticket to the friend zone, but he has to leave knowing that all of American thinks he’s an awful kisser.
Dang it, Wells! You could have used your radio connections one last time. Where was Biz Markie when you needed him?!
“The Beautiful Game”
Alex grows up >> JoJo becomes a travel agent >> James goes hardcore >> A friendly soccer wager >> America goes up 2-Nil >> James forgets how to football >> Luke’s appetite cannot be satisfied >> “Entitled” defined
Alex runs ahead of the group to give JoJo the first hug. At first it seemed douchey, but he was probably just excited his four YMCA Big Brothers finally took him to meet their girlfriend.
JoJo is oblivious to the memes, rumors and general information on the Internet, but suddenly she’s the CEO of Trip Advisor and acts like an expert on everything there is to do in the La Boca District of Buenos Aires.
Food and culture are great, but what she failed to mention was the high levels of arsenic and lead pollution in the nearby Matanza-Riachuelo River.
Seriously JoJo, it took me like five seconds to find that out doing a simple Google search. Computers are your friend.
James feels like he gets “lost in the shuffle” with all these “perfect” guys around all the time, and compares it to being stuck on a movie set. I’m not sure what movie James was thinking of that involved a girl with five guys, but he might need to talk to Preacher Thomas about that after services next Sunday.
JoJo challenges a group of local Argentinians to a friendly pick-up game of street soccer. What she doesn’t realize is these are local Argentinians, and they don’t understand how to play a friendly game of soccer.
During the game, Jordan and JoJo actually score goals, which only supports the accusations that soccer in South America is fixed. Either that, or some of them thought Jordan was also a woman and they went easy on him.
Then again, his name in Spanish would be pronounced “Whore-dan.”
Robby tries to pay off the goalie during a penalty kick contest where the winner gets to kiss JoJo. In true South American drug lord fashion, the goalie takes his money but also blocks his shot. Robby tries to protest, but then quickly remembers that he’s lucky he didn’t get shived and robbed after flashing all that money around.
James is the only one to successfully score and plants an enthusiastic kiss on JoJo. Unfortunately, he doesn’t quickly remember where JoJo is from and probably what her favorite sport is.
Luke obviously didn’t touch his dinner, because he spends about nine hours eating JoJo’s face. I hope it was purely due to physical attraction and that he wasn’t suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
Are we absolutely sure James is from Texas?
James whines to JoJo about an argument he and Jordan had over a game of poker and calls him “entitled.” Last time I checked, this is NOT the way Texans handle card game disputes. Let’s just say James is extremely lucky he’s not on the 1849 season of the Bachelorette.
Jordan insists he doesn’t know what the word “entitled” means, yet he brings up his brother Aaron Rodgers more than JoJo talks about Ben. He also says it in the most ENTITLED way possible: while swirling a glass of white wine and giving the James the disapproving look of a pissed off investment banker.
“How does one act entitled when stating the rules of the game as such?” -- Jordan “Entitled” Rodgers
“Ménage Á Tango”
“Two-on-ones are tough. they’re not easy, they’re uncomfortable and a lot of nerves that go into it.” -- JoJo, talking about dates, obviously
Derek does not dress for success >> JoJo has a wardrobe malfunction >> The three of them take center stage >> Chase tests Derek’s manhood >> Derek speaks his mind >> JoJo toys around with Chase >> Derek weeps
JoJo has already kicked off all the black guys from the show, so Derek did himself zero favors by choosing to wear all black for his date with JoJo…and Chase.
Did he learn NOTHING from Alex and Chad’s fashion choices from their two-on-one date? The guy wearing black ALWAYS goes home.
It’s just a shame that in 2016 life isn’t any better for black v-necks and sports jackets.
Their tango instructor basically stole the dress that JoJo should have worn.
Come on, ABC producers. We need something to distract us from watching two boring guys who can’t dance.
Derek keeps talking about all the “fireworks” between them as they dance the tango together, while Chase mostly just looked on silently. It really didn’t matter who had the edge, because all I could think about was the ballet fight scene from Center Stage.
Derek says he felt “the pash-ion” during the dance, while JoJo said it was “very good” and thanked him. She was probably just a little disturbed that Derek showed the same intensity while dancing with Chase that he gave to her.
Derek isn’t very good at adjectives.
He admits he hasn’t been open since his last relationship after JoJo says he’s “fallen behind” for being too reserved. Derek knows he needs to immediately step up his game, but unfortunately chooses to use semi-cuss words to describe his feelings for her.
“From the moment I looked into your damn eyes, I knew this woman is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I’m so freaking lucky to be sitting here with you.”
It kind of loses its effect when someone says they care for you using the same adjectives they’d say to someone they’re about to get into a fist fight with.
JoJo has an awful habit of semi-demanding words of affirmation from these guys even before they are ready to share them. Some of them are good at expressing their feelings right on the spot, but a boring guy like Chase is going to have a hard time doing this, particularly after she’s shown more attention to other guys.
It’s almost like Chase is JoJo’s toy doll that she’s neglected, but she still wants it work the same, even though she lost all the accessories and broke the “dance mode” button.
Derek was on full suicide watch in the limo. What made this moment perfect was his third person self hate talk while “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” played in the background.
“I wasn’t enough. I’m Derek. and Derek is imperfect.”
Derek never should have revealed being dumped by his fiancé on national TV, because now they just made him relive that moment.
“Why am I crying?” Don’t cry. And yet…I am.”
This was a Top Ten All-time Bachelorette moment. No question.
“JoJo’s Favorite Things”
Alex’s big day >> JoJo is feeling generous >> Alex does not pity the fool
It was hard to tell if the rose ceremony took place in an old Argentinian cathedral or the Sept of Baelor from Game of Thrones. Let’s hope it was the former and not the latter, because the most popular saying on that show is “All Men Must Die.”
It was also hard to tell if they were there for a rose ceremony…or Alex’s christening.
JoJo has an anxiety attack because she can’t bring herself to send James or Alex home. After a talk outside, host Chris Harrison looks visibly pissed when he’s forced to bring TWO roses for her to hand out.
JoJo might not know much about the Internet, but she must have watched A LOT of Oprah as a kid.
Alex wants to feel wanted and feels like he and James got “pity roses.” He probably wishes he didn’t get a rose at all if he was able to see what he has to wear next week.
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 -- JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 -- “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 -- Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 -- Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 -- Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 -- “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 -- There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 -- Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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