Chad talks to Daniel as he eats a raw yam sweet potato on JoJo Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo

Most things in life are a matter of perception versus reality. Our Bachelorette JoJo is going to learn a valuable lesson about both.

In the fourth season of How I Met Your Mother, legend-ary bro and ladies man Barney Stinson shares his completely different theory about the 80s classic movie “The Karate Kid.” In Barney’s eyes, the good guy is teenage Cobra Kai student Johnny Lawrence, who’s defeated by the “scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate.”

I know what you’re thinking:

Barney-D-barney-stinson-23611234-500-221

But Mr. Stinson is not alone in his theory:

The Karate Kid: Daniel is the REAL Bully [J. Matthew Movies, Ep 3]

 

Could the same be said for Bachelorette contestants Chad and Evan? Well…you be the judge.

“Chadpocalypse Now”

Chris Harrison puts in some overtime >> The bromance prepares for battle >> Daniel tells a Hitler joke >> Jordan raises some hairs

Best

Finally, the higher-ups at ABC are making host Chris Harrison earn his enormous paycheck.

Chris harrison cleans up the toilet paper mess from JoJo and Will on the Bachelorette.

In past seasons, his only jobs were to tell a room of grown adults that there’s one rose left on a plate, and invite two people to have sex via a handwritten 3×5 card.

Now they’ve got him cleaning up Will and JoJo’s toilet paper mess from the night before. Ummmm Chris, there’s plenty of dishes to do in the kitchen, and I’m sure Chad and Daniel could use a spotter when you’re done.

Best/Worst

Chad and Daniel workout lifting weights on JoJo Bachelorette.

While JoJo and Chase were busy doing intimate yoga, the real magic was brewing back at the mansion with Daniel and Chad’s semi-gayrotic weightlifting session. Do you believe in love at first “set?” Or should Chad curl this bar bell another ten times?

A small “Worst” goes to Evan who insisted on working out with them, but he just stood off to the side and tried to do power squats.

Evan does squats on the Bachelorette.

He’s starting P90X when he gets home, guys.

Best

Chad has reached the point where even his trusty sidekick Daniel feels the need to confront him about his crazy behavior.

Daniel encourages Chad to be less of a “Hitler” and more of a “Mussolini,” so instead of pretending you killed 12 million innocent people, let’s bring it down to more like 300,000…ummmkay. Chad disagreed with being compared to Hitler, but had no objection to the Mussolini comparison because he probably thought he was a famous painter.

To better illustrate his point, Daniel tells Chad to be less of a “Trump” and more of a “Bush,”  because Hitler, Mussolini, Trump and Bush are all similar in the same way that slow torture, drowning, a broken leg and a bee sting are all things that could happen to your body. None are pleasant, but you’re definitely choosing walking around in a cast for a few weeks over someone pulling out all your teeth with a pair of pliers.

Thanks Canada, for proving once again why nobody takes you seriously.

#NationalDonutDay? You got this.

Apparently Daniel went to the same analogy school as Chad did. Although, I did hear Hitler was a big vegetarian.

chad-lettuce-bachelorette

Worst

Speaking of Trump, watching Jordan’s hair flap around has me thinking he has about 20 years before this:

…becomes this:

trump

Hey Jordan, Trump is a lot of fake “former” things too. Hopefully one of them isn’t President.



“Downward Dogs”

chase and JoJo shake before hot yoga on the Bachelorette.

JoJo experiences a dating first >> Chase is misled, and I ain’t lion >> An ancient Egyptian secret >> Chase plays his Trump card

Worst

JoJo has always wanted to do yoga, but is this the best idea for a first date? You’re practically naked, you stink, there’s sweat pouring down your body, and it takes every muscle just to keep yourself from passing gas.

Chase and JoJo do yoga on the Bachelorette.

It’s like taking your first date to a pie-eating contest or your uncle’s wedding who’s been divorced eight times. Both could be enjoyable events, yet both have the potential to go horribly wrong.

“I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on the first date” – JoJo

Best

Here’s what Chase was thinking when he found out they were doing yoga on their date:

namaste-right-here

What he got instead closely resembled what happens to kids who are prone to seizures after they’ve played Xbox for a couple of hours.

This is all of us right before The Bachelorette comes on.

If “yab yumming” is supposed to be relaxing then I’d rather go sit in rush hour traffic with four crying babies in the back seat. That would be my zen place.

Best

The best way to know if there is a genuine connection with the man you just met a week ago is to strip down to almost nothing, straddle him, and then stare at each other nose to nose.

Chase and JoJo kiss on the Bachelorette.

The guy ALWAYS wins in this situation because most girls will kiss a “three” or above just to deal with the awkwardness of the situation.

It’s basically the equivalent of a kiss cam, but the girl doesn’t have the use of her limbs.

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“If only I didn’t have the use of my limbs when there’s pizza in front of me,” says the girl in the back row.

Best

When Chase mentioned he had a lion tattoo in his Bachelor bio, I had no idea it was a life-size stencil of an ACTUAL lion. I’m just waiting for that thing to jump off his body and walk across the Golden Gate Bridge tattoo on Grant’s right arm.

Chase and JoJo do yoga on the Bachelorette.

I’m sure the detail on that lion tat is amazing, but to be fair, from far away it looks like a gigantic bruise.

Worst-est/Best-est

Chase and JoJo do yoga on the Bachelorette.

I can’t remember the yoga instructor’s name, but I assume it’s either Serenity or Moonbeam, and judging by her greasy-looking hair and sweat-glistened upper body I’m sure the last time she showered was circa 2009.

The only thing that made her slightly cool was her bald-headed yoga partner who closely resembled Imhotep from The Mummy. And look, Chase, he’s got a matching lion tattoo on his face just like yours!

imhotep

Best

Not quite sure what an “angergasm” is, but it’s probably the feeling you have when you realize you’ve had three children with Evan.

Evan reads the date card for their date with JoJo on the Bachelorette.

Worst

Both Chase and JoJo would be horrible poker players.

Chase unnecessarily plays the “my parents got divorced” card during his serious talk with JoJo.

  1. Join the club, bro. EVERYONE’S parents are divorced.
  2. A chick just made out with you, despite your horrible body odor and flatulence issues – YOU’RE SOLID.
  3. YOU HAVE A LIFE-SIZED LION TATTOO! The pain of getting that inked on your body far outweighs the pain of spending every other weekend with daddy.

If you haven’t noticed by now, JoJo plays with her hair whenever one of the guys tells a personal story she doesn’t want to hear. It’s basically her “tell” like Le Chiffre’s eye twitch in Casino Royale.

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Worst-er

Note to Charles Kelly: If I have to look you up on Wikipedia then this isn’t a “special private concert,” it’s more like “hey, my buddy’s band wants exposure, so could they, like, play in your back yard and maybe all your neighbors will hear?”

By the way, you’re not even listed with the other  “Charles Kellys” in the search results. Yes…Wikipedia doesn’t even know who you are.



“Let’s Talk About All The Good Things, And The Bad Things, That May Be.”

Jordan’s jaw drops >> Grant loves camping >> Nick knows his ABC’s >> Daniel knows his anatomy >> Evan takes a stand when he should have taken a sit >> Chad draws comparisons and destroys a door

Worst-est-est-est

Your face is going to look like this when you see the next group date!

The fact that this date existed. I’m with you, Jordan.

This might be the worst thing I’ve ever seen on TV, and I grew up in the days of Barney the Dinosaur, Small Wonder and Cop Rock.

barney-small-wonder-cop-rock

Surprisingly, what made it so bad wasn’t the subject matter, it was that it wasn’t even good comedy. How do you mess up talking about sex – something that is inherently funny – unless you are the world’s worst group of comedians in the world? These jokes practically write themselves, people! If Louis C.K. and Kevin Hart hosted “Sex Talks” you’d be crying and peeing your pants from laughter.

orgasm-chick-bachelorette

The “Sex Talks” comedy troupe was the equivalent of owning an earthquake insurance business on the California coast and not having any clients. “Yeah, people just aren’t worried ’bout those earthquakes. We’ll get ’em next month, though, right guys!” Yet they still stay in business.

Also, it’s hard to imagine how a group like this even exists in 2016. Are there this many people in the greater Los Angeles area that have a dying need to share their sexual experiences to a live audience? Maybe instead of a stage they should set up a bunch of computers so they can introduce people to something called the Internet.

Grandma-Finds-The-Internet-Meme-Blank

Best

NOW I know what an “angergasm” is. It’s what I feel when I watch this date.

Best

Grant’s first experience involved him texting a girl to meet him at a park with two sleeping bags zipped together. He ends up being dragged away by the cops wearing nothing but a condom.

So, in a day and age where we depend on cell phones it’s nice to hear that some towns still have a public spot where all the teenagers go to hook up.

fast-times-ridgemont-high-stacey-the-point

If you missed Grant’s story it’s also tattooed on his left thigh, so you can read all about it there.

Worst-ening

Nick’s alphabet joke gave us one more reason why you should never want to see mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Nick santa on JoJo bachelorette.

Best

They didn’t show Jordan’s experience, but I’m sure it went something like this:

Jordan rodgers jojo bachelorette sex talks

[drops mic]

Best

Daniel’s favorite bodily function is “poo,” because Canada.

He also drew a picture of the first girl he was intimate with.

Screen-Shot-2016-06-07-at-1.52.17-PM

Best

“This is another day at the office for me.” Evan, creepily

Much like Grant in last week’s firefighter challenge, Evan is ready to shine on this date because talking about sex and making people feel uncomfortable are two of his biggest strengths (see his cast member bio…and probably his photo).

But he wastes his stage time where he could have told some awesome E.D. stories to take a hard stance on steroid abuse.

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Worst

Evan has obviously never read Emily Post’s Guide to Proper Aisle Exiting Etiquette.

evan-chad-rip-shirt-sex-talks-jojo-bachelorette-date

Rule #1: If someone is already standing then you should stay seated until they’ve either exited the row or sat down. EVERYONE knows this.

Rule #2: Chad is facing toward the people in the row, which is correct. Evan is also facing the same direction, therefore putting his junk in contact with Chad’s backside. This is incorrect and also violates several sections of the bro code. Evan should be facing away from Chad, thereby only causing minimal butt-to-butt contact.

Rule #3: Evan CLEARLY pushes Chad as he goes by him. If you have to leave the aisle at the same time as someone else, then you should avoid any physical contact. How does he know Chad didn’t grab and rip his shirt to simply keep from falling over? Evan better hope that lame hug with JoJo was worth it.

Worst

“If I can’t lift weights, I’m gonna murder someone.”

Chad already did lift tons of weights that morning with Daniel. So, on lifting days he just punches steel dorks.

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Sorry, I meant “doors.” Stupid autocorrect.

Worst

Now everyone loves a good “Revenge of the Nerds” story, but Evan is missing a key ingredient.

Steve Rogers had the Super Soldier Serum, Peter Parker had that radioactive spider bite, and heck…even Daniel had Mr. Miyagi, but without some type of outside help, these guys would have stayed nerds forever.

So, unless that rose has fairy dust in it, I’m afraid a pity peck from JoJo is the best Evan can hope for.

Evan daddy made out with JoJo bachelorette.

OK, then Chad “made out” with JoJo too.

JoJo denies Chad a kiss on the lips on the Bachelorette.

Best-est

While Chad’s analogies have a lot to be desired, his comparison skills are off the charts. He’s already given us:

Grant as Squidward from SpongeBob SquarePants:

grant-squidward-jojo-bachelorette

…and Evan as Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg aka “the gay dude” from The 5th Element:

Evan on the Bachelorette looks like Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg from the 5th element.

I’m sure he had other comparisons, but they were probably cut from the show. I’m assuming they were:

Derek as Jim Halpert from The Office:

derek-jim-halpert-office-bachelorette

Alex as James Marsden from The Notebook, X-Men and Enchanted:

alex-bachelorette-james-marsden

Throw some facial hair on Jordan and he’s Pornstache from Orange is the New Black:

jordan-bachelorette-lookalike

And Robby could be Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad after he’s been in rehab for a couple years:

robby-jesse-pinkman

It’s amazing how smoking less meth really brings out the baby blues. Kind of ironic.



“In Full Swing”

James T. should keep his day job >> James T. believes in movie magic >> James T. writes the headlines >> James T. loves giraffes

Worst

Luke is on suicide watch again, guys. Who’s shift is it?

“If I don’t get this date card I’m going to go cry in a corner by myself.” – Luke, wallowing

Best

jojo-james-t-swing-dance-bachelorette

Swing dancing is one of the easiest partner dances to learn, and yet even with the help of one the world’s best swing experts the only move James Taylor and JoJo managed to learn was “step, step, step, point.” Luckily, we got to see that move about 200 times before the date was over.

Their kids will be so talented.

ABC_the_bachelorette_recap_mm_160607_12x5_1600

Hopefully JoJo will let the Bachelor/Bachelorette appearing on Dancing With The Stars thing die with Chris Soules.

Worst

“I literally just lived a movie.” – James T.

Yes James, the BEGINNING of the dance montage part of the movie, where the person has no idea what they’re doing yet (see Footloose, Strictly Ballroom, Breakin’ and Dirty Dancing).

James T. and JoJo dance on their date Bachelorette.

Worst

I’ve never read The Bachelorette Times, but they must be a small town newspaper.

james T. and JoJo pose with a newspaper after their swing date on the Bachelorette.

If James’ first date makes the front page, I can only imagine the special edition pull out section when he actually kisses JoJo.

Worst-ening-er/Best

NOOOOOOOO he frickin’ snuck his guitar in the truck of the car.

James Taylor plays guitar for JoJo on their Bachelorette date.

Luckily, JoJo took one for the team and broke that concert up after the first song.

Best

The date with James Taylor was a lot more like watching an episode of The Biggest Loser than watching two people potentially find love. He talks about overcoming his low self-esteem because he was made fun of for his looks as a kid.

“They called me Luke Longneck, which isn’t even creative because my name is James.”

giraffe_with_guitar_by_polvoice

At least when he kisses JoJo you could actually call it “necking” and be correct.

Worst

“You should know up front, this is not a love story.”

James Taylor is basically Tom in 500 Days of Summer. He’s a nice guy, you’re really rooting for him to get what he wants, but you know he’s leaving broken-hearted, and JoJo (aka Summer) is going to be just fine.



“Tool Party”

Chris steps in >> Evan needs a new wardrobe >> James F. needs a new suit >> Chad wiggles his noodle >> Derek fears for his life

Worst/Best

“I’m going to cut everyone’s arms and legs off and throw their torsos in the pool” – Chad

Bachelorette host Chris Harrison talks to Chad.

After Chris Harrison announces that JoJo has cancelled the cocktail mixer in favor of a pool party, Evan follows him outside to tattle on Chad. Chris doesn’t kick Chad off the show, but does make him apologize to the guys and work out their differences.

No wonder Chad’s a “luxury” real estate agent and not a boring, normal one, because this guy is an expert negotiator. He basically told all the guys that he forgave them for bothering him and getting all up in his business.

chad-bachelorette-jojo-apology-evan

Chad’s issue resolution skills are so insane that it’s a shame he’s not our ambassador with Isis, or something.

Best

Evan keeps demanding two things from Chad, but he’s asking for them in the wrong order.

“You owe me a shirt and an apology.” Evan, prioritizing

So, let me get this straight. Evan is more adamant about Chad replacing his $7.99 Old Navy Item of the Week shirt than a heartfelt apology for all the supposed verbal and physical abuse?

Worst

James F. jumps into the pool with his suit on. Dude…it’s Week 4,  gimmicks don’t work anymore on JoJo. That’s soooooo limo introductions.

James F. jumps into the pool with his suit on in the JoJo bachelorette.

Gosh, DAD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!

Worst

It was a little passive, but Chad tried to make amends by enticing Evan with his favorite pool toys.

chad-pool-noodles-bachelorette-jojo

Evan most likely didn’t even notice, because there’s no way he could resist two long, wiggly objects in his face.

Best

Evan bleeds after diving into the water.

Evan gets a nose bleed during the pool party on JoJo Bachelorette.

He’s way too sexy for JoJo. I don’t know how she controls herself.

Best

derek-hand-shake-chad-bachelorette-jojo

Derek was awfully good at making choices last week on his date with JoJo, but I’m afraid this Choose Your Own Adventure book has some endings that Derek is unprepared for.

chad-bachelorette-bear

When Chad confronts Derek about his smack talking to JoJo, it was pretty obvious that Derek thought it would be the last conversation he would ever have. It was like on The Office when one of Jim Halpert’s pranks goes horribly wrong.

jim-halpert-derek-bachelorette

I wish Derek had more confidence in confronting Chad, because I would love to see him set his 30 pound weights in jello, or send him crazy faxes from “future Chad.”

chad-letter

Worst

Since all the guys feared for their lives, they hired a security guard to protect them against Chad. However, all he does is watch Chad sleep and walk around the pool area.

chad-sleeping-security-guard-jojo-bachelorette

So, they basically hired a professional stalker.



“Stewing Over You”

JoJo uses her resort points >> Wolf pack for life >> Luke likes it when you kiss the chef >> Good witch or a bad witch? >> Dan + Shay = Who?

Best

Luke managed to get on his dream date at the right time since JoJo move them from the comforts of their L.A. mansion to the “rugged” outdoors of Pennsylvania at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort.

Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Pennsylvania on the bachelorette.

Best

Normally it’s just a slang term for a guy’s close group of friends, but Luke’s “wolf pack” consisted of ACTUAL wolves.

wolves-luke-jojo

This should have been JoJo’s first clue that their trip deep into the woods was more than a date. Let’s just say she better be on “Team Jacob” for this date or there’s a good chance she’ll be eaten alive.

bdBB700075.91.191_CC

Worst

Ok, wow…I was totally kidding.

Luke managed to coax JoJo into his wood burning cauldron, errrrr…”hot tub” in the same way the Tasmanian Devil used to trick Bugs Bunny into taking a bubble bath.

jojo and luke share a hot tub on the bachelorette.

All was going smoothly for his big meal, but Luke seemed mildly annoyed at the producer’s choice of wine pairing.

Luke and Jojo hot tub date bachelorette.

Best

As if the fear of being boiled and eaten weren’t enough, JoJo should remember they’re in Pennsylvania, where they once dunked young, introverted women to determine whether or not they were witches.

jojo-witch

Worst-est

luke-jojo-kiss-date-bachelorette

People would rather take Instagram videos of Luke and JoJo – a reality show couple – than “rock legends” Dan + Shay.

Ok, that actually doesn’t sound too far-fetched.

How awesome would it have been if they went all “Adele” on that crowd?

adele5

“Will you stop filming them with your video camera? Because we’re really here in real life and you could enjoy it again and again if you would just point that lens a little to the right. There’s a lot of people outside who would have liked to see this show.”



“Steeling My Heart”

Big Ben keeps his distance >> Jordan gets big timed >> Jordan relives the glory days >> James T. comes to his senses >> Evan dresses for success

Worst

The guys are worried for their own safety from Chad and the general welfare of JoJo, but they have no issues hanging out with Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who’s been accused twice of sexual assault.

ben-roethlisberger-bachelorette-jojo

That explains why he had to hang out in the stands the entire game.

Best

Roethlisberger “big times” Jordan Rodgers, despite Jordan having played in the NFL.

“Oh, Aaron’s little brother is on the show, huh? Which one is he?”

Worst

Jordan brags about how he’s “picking guys apart” during a 5-on-5 game of two hand touch, but that’s pretty much the same as playing football for Vanderbilt so I’ll give him a pass.

jojo-bachelorette-steelers-date-kiesel-jordan

Best

In some sort of miracle, James Taylor survived a blow to his head and may have actually come out the better end of it. He made it through a whole night of conversations without singing one word.

Worst

Evan in “beast mode” is almost as convincing and intimidating as most powderpuff football players. He also looked strangely like Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes from the 90s R&B group TLC.

evan-football-bachelorette



“Into The Wild”

Alex shows his patriotism >> JoJo keeps things on the down low >> A friendly confrontation >> It’s hard to kill a bear

Worst

“This is for America. This is for everybody.”

Jordan calls Alex a “Real American hero” because he’s fighting to send Chad home, but what he doesn’t consider is that America actually wants Chad to stay on the show. What else are people going to talk about Tuesday morning at work – Vinny’s spray tan???

Best

Alex’s American flag socks. I secretly wished Chad’s socks were made of lunch meat, though.

alex-socks-bachelorette

Worst/Best

For their “battle of the century,” Alex and Chad are flown via helicopter to a secluded forest. I can only assume JoJo wanted to take them somewhere private because she wouldn’t want other people to know she’s dating a midget and a potential serial killer.

She might regret what she wished for, because this place is the perfect setting for Alex to experience the full effects of the “Chad Bear.”

chad-bear

Worst

For weeks now, Chad has challenged Alex to “go outside” to fight him. When he finally gets his wish their “epic confrontation” ends up being the two of them exchanging idioms on a picnic blanket.

alex-chad-hay-barn-pigs-castle-date-jojo-bachelorette

Worst

JoJo doesn’t really get concerned about Chad until she learns he threatened Jordan, but Chad hasn’t been violent to anyone. So far all the only things he’s physically attacked has been a door and that poor camping cup he just chucked into the river.

Best

Alex goes all out on everything he does, including body slamming his nose into JoJo’s face when they kiss.

alex-jojo-kiss

Best-est

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Oh man…someone’s dying next week.

Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:

“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.


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