When you’re a child, you believe in the existence of Santa. When you’re a 25-year old single adult like our Bachelorette JoJo, you believe in the existence of love. Well…prepare to find out something doesn’t exist.
Last season on The Bachelor, JoJo received the Christmas morning equivalent of receiving pair of socks when she was promised a pair of diamond earrings. And yes, while you can technically wear socks on your ears, it basically makes you look at best like a poorly executed sports mascot.
But hey, sometimes you don’t always get what you want for Christmas. JoJo needs to learn than when you’re given coal you need to find to a way to make it into a diamond.
Or, you can fall in love with some guy who will give you a diamond in the form of a shiny engagement ring. That’s probably the better option since I think the coal-to-diamond process takes several thousands of years.
Ok, let’s meet the Bachelor who’s gonna put a ring on it! (Maybe)
If you missed our Bachelorette Breakdown Preview edition, check it out here. We’ll give ourselves a “best” for being spot on with most of our predictions.
“Always Check Your Blind Side”
We flashback to JoJo and Ben’s “I love you,” then “I love her…a little more” relationship >> There’s lots of bathroom and limo crying >> JoJo walks around like an emo and stares at nature >> JoJo shows how to properly wear a bikini >> JoJo is ready for men
The flashbacks were a great reminder that while Ben Higgins is one of the most beloved Bachelors of all-time, he completely mislead two girls and then straight up lied to JoJo on national TV. He’s basically the equivalent of……well, every other star of The Bachelor, if we’re honest.
However, once Ben started throwing “I love you’s” around like it was an Oprah’s Favorite things episode he immediately entered uncharted territory. Bachelor 101 says you don’t utter those words until the very, very, very end. It’s like saying “Voldemort” or yelling out “BEETLEJUICE” three times. Bad things happen.
Even JoJo was like:
Imagine being dealt a royal flush at the start of a poker round and then IMMEDIATELY throwing your cards on the table. “How you like them apples, fellas!” as you slide ZERO chips in your direction because no one has even anted up yet.
Ben Higgins is basically Mel Gibson in Maverick, but with less “I hate Jews” tirades.
The “I’m dumping you” speeches are so terribly scripted they sound like high school drama students doing a first read for A Midsummer Night’s Dream, but that’s exactly what makes them so beautiful.
“I didn’t know if I could find love……I found it with you. But……I found it with someone else more.” -- Ben, trying to remember his lines
I’m sure they hit up the American Idol producers and Ryan Seacrest for advice. “It’s brilliant, you see, you make the good ones think they’re NOT going to get a ticket to Hollywood so they start freaking out and then you make the bad ones think that they ARE going to Hollywood…SEACREST OUT.”
“How can you love two people at once??? It doesn’t make sense to me.” -- JoJo
No wonder JoJo spent so much time wandering the earth alone after Ben dumped her, because she obviously needed time to understand how humans work.
Unless you’re Lucille from Arrested Development, most parents LOVE their kids equally.
People generally have more than one friend, yet they find it in their heart to have enough love for each of them. It might be for different reasons and it might not be equal, but the love is there. For example, my buddy Jerry always helps me out around the yard, drives me to the airport, and he always remembers my birthday. My other friend Stu always asks to borrow money, collects Pokemon cards, and still lives with his parents. I can hang with each of them and have a great time, and I LOVE both of them. However, I probably love Jerry a little more. Stu’s kind of a doucher. Sorry, Stu.
Relationships start out no different than parenting or friendships. Thanks to The Hunger Games, the Twilight series and even Star Wars you’ve probably heard of a “love” triangle. It’s not unheard of to love more than one person at a time.
Ok, Star Wars was a bad example.
“I Got All My Sistaz and Me”
JoJo seeks advice from Bachelorette alums Kaitlyn, Ali and Des >> They pretend they’re all BFF’s, even though they would all hate each other if they were on The Bachelor together. >> “Kiss on the first night, but ignore the guys you like?” Got it!
Let’s not forgot that JoJo is the one of “those people” who introduced herself to Ben wearing a full unicorn mask. You can’t be UNICORN MASK GIRL and then hate on the guy wearing knight’s armor or a space suit.
It’s probably a double standard, but when the guys wear costumes it’s “gimmicky and desperate,” but if the girls do it it’s “cute and creative,” so…props to JoJo for not discriminating.
I mean, Kaitlyn’s first kiss on the show was to someone dressed as a cupcake, so JoJo has nothing to worry about.
Ali owns her mistakes and confesses that she chose Roberto because “he was the hottest one there” but didn’t really know him at all. Des still acts like she’s happily married to her rebound guy. (See “Brooks -- The Mormon dude”).
“It’s one of the hardest things you’ll do, but it’s also one of the most rewarding.” Des, on being the Bachelorette.
This phrase could be used to describe many experiences, such as:
- Being a parent.
- Doing humanitarian work in a third world country.
- Being an inner city school teacher.
- Running the Boston Marathon.
Dressing up in fancy clothes you don’t have to buy, going on super dates to exotic locations, making out with a bunch of handsome dudes, and becoming a D-list celebrity for the rest of your life are along those same lines.
“The Best Things Come in Small Packages”
Video packages of the Bachelors >> Grant wants his fire lit >> Jordan still insists he played NFL football >> Alex is the evil twin >> James S. still lives with his mom >> Evan LOVES wieners >> Ali probably disappointed his parents >> Christian never sleeps
James F. still has his tribal band from high school. Alex shares matching full sleeve tats with his twin brother (family-related tattoos?). Grant has the entire Sistine Chapel painted on his entire upper body. I felt like I was watching an episode of Miami Ink instead of The Bachelorette.
However, James F. wants to be very clear that he’s getting all of his lasered off so he can play on his church softball team this summer.
While Brett Favre plays football in his loose-fit Wranglers®, Jordan Rodgers prefers the testicle-suffocating comfort of his skinny jeans.
Jordan claims to have lost a great relationship because of his football commitments, but according to his ex Brittany Farrar it was because he cheated on her. How do we know this? Because she called him out on Instagram.
And she’s right. All Jordan had to do was ask his coach for time off. “Yeah, no problem kid. I’ll just have the punter hold the clipboard on the sidelines.”
But a small “worst” goes to Brittany for “OH SNAPP-ING!” herself in her own post. Leave that to the comments section, girlfriend.
Oliva Munn, Jordan’s brother’s girlfriend, “liked” Brittany’s Instagram post.
Self-professed Bachelorette “Superfan” James S.’s viewing parties consist of his 10-yr old niece, 4-yr old nephew, some guy who doesn’t want to be there, and probably his sister.
This couldn’t even be considered a viewing “get-together,” much less a party. If we’re calling out Brandon for not being “hipstery,” then we have to give equal treatment to James S. for not being “Bachelorette super fan-y” enough.
James S. is already in a relationship…with his mother. I can’t wait for next week when he opens up to JoJo about his terminal illness and the Facebook campaign on his behalf that landed him on the show.
“I used to be a Pastor, but then I found another way to LIFT people’s spirits.” -- one of Evan’s boner puns
It’s hard to tell what Evan, the pastor-turned-erectile dysfunction specialist is more jazzed about: rhyming “mojo” and “JoJo” at every possible opportunity, or helping put some pep in a man’s step.
His sudden career change begs the question: What does the road from being pastor to becoming erectile dysfunction specialist actually look like? There has to be some odd-shaped, slightly curved fork in the middle of it that’s intriguing enough to make even the strongest person say “Yeah, l think I’m heading this way, guys.”
It would be like the PETA CEO turning in his resignation to open up a Butcher shop. I can’t think of two more opposite career choices. Well, maybe porn?
Ali’s brother is a surgeon and his sister is a dentist. He’s a bartender who plays piano and surfs all day. Remember when we talked about loving all your children equally? If Ali doesn’t win this whole thing he’s probably better off moving back to Iran.
Luke is a war veteran, from a small town, and lives every day like “it’s his last.” His life is basically First Blood.
“I Used To Read Word Up Magazine…Sal & Peter, and Nicky B. Up In Tha Limousine.”
Robby follows the BYOB rule >> Will and Jonathan admit they’re women >> James Taylor (not that one) serenades JoJo >> All4One (yes, that one) serenades JoJo better >> Jonathan has a large willy but no panties can contain him >> Brandon doesn’t have cable >> Luke captures a rare creature. >> Nick S. is flexible
JoJo thinks her mom would love Robby not because he’s good-looking or polite, but because he drinks wine straight from the bottle.
Grant promises off camera that he’s “not going to fall in love with two girls.” Mathematically, this is impossible since JoJo is the only girl he’s going to see for the next month.
Way to make promises you have no way of NOT keeping. That’s like saying “I’m going swimming…and I promise to get wet.”
The only thing worse than a twangy Country song is a pretend twangy Country song.
Wells probably wins the Best Introduction of anybody in the history of The Bachelorette. He snuck in 90s R&B sensations All-4-One to sing “I Swear” for JoJo. It was the first time in Bachelor history that a serenade was performed correctly.
And yes…we’re looking right at you, Kasey:
“I Swear” is like the song version of Nutella. If you say it’s “not your thing” we can only assume you have horrible taste in every other part of your life.
Ryan Reynolds in Just Friends gets it, and his character obviously also loves Nutella.
The other Bachelors might argue that Wells has an unfair advantage since he’s a radio DJ, but it’s not like he has SWV, Color Me Badd and Blackstreet on speed dial. They should just be grateful he didn’t bring Jodeci with him. JoJo would’ve taken Wells to the fantasy suite with her in about 7 minutes.
You can’t fault Wells for using his profession to try and get the girl. Christopher could’ve easily whipped out a few spreadsheets and pie charts explaining why JoJo is the most compatible with him. Grant could’ve started a fire in the Bachelor mansion and saved her from it. And Evan could’ve…ummm……hey…
Good job, Wells!
Jonathan did a great job of representing the fact that he was half Scottish by wearing a kilt and bragging about his allegedly more than average size Johnson. However, acting like an idiot and saying stupid things did nothing to show off his Asian side.
Never mind that he’s also Canadian, so he probably could have also been a little more polite.
If Jonathan really wanted to represent all of his heritages at once, he could have:
- Solved a difficult math equation while playing the bagpipes and telling JoJo how her eyes reminded him of his beloved Tim Horton’s coffee.
- Drove the limo himself and nearly get in a wreck pulling up. He then exits the limo cursing like a Scot and dressed in a full hockey goalie uniform.
- Shown up insanely drunk and serenaded JoJo with a song about how he’s a disappointment to his super conservative parents because he never became a Mountie.
Brandon goes full hipster at probably the worst time when he tells JoJo he’s never heard of her. He’s either on this show to be “really ironic” or as some social experiment for his Modern Western World Romances class at Berkeley.
I’m thankful Luke didn’t start his werewolf transformation or have a Desert Storm flashback and attack the unicorn he rode in on. Sure, the unicorn blood would’ve saved him from being sent home on the first night, but the curse of doing so means he only lasts half the season. [Harry Potter joke]
In the Middle Ages, unicorns were commonly described as an extremely wild woodland creature, and a symbol of purity and grace, which could only be captured by a virgin. So, either Luke is not the Texas stud he claims to be, or Bachelorette Superfan James S. caught it for him.
Guys who can do the splits should never use that as a way to impress the ladies. It’s like telling a girl you can help her go jeans shopping or do a really good French braid. Those are all valuable skills, but only leave her asking questions. Leave the man splits to the Olympic gymnastics team and So You Think You Can Dance contestants.
Girls want a real man, not Christian from Clueless.
“I Talk, Talk…I Talk To You”
Alex does some girl push-ups >> Coley is a big talker >> Will deserves a paper cut >> JoJo doesn’t know how to Internet >> Evan feels violated >> Wells pays by the hour
“So, tell me about yourself.”
Coley’s HUGE mouth. I’m glad he didn’t try and kiss JoJo because it would’ve looked like this:
Someone needs to cut off Will’s access to paper products.
Between his terrible flash card bit at the limo introductions, and then his awful “fortune teller” ploy to get a kiss from JoJo, Will is actually finding a way to give paper a bad name. Does he also plan on playing “M.A.S.H.” later on with the other Bachelors?
Canada doesn’t traditionally do very well at the Olympics, but their two representatives – Daniel and Jonathan – are both pretty determined to take the gold medal in Douchebagging.
Though he was slightly less of a tool than expected (Congratulations, Chad), Daniel the “Model” was still a train wreck and a half.
He probably shouldn’t have been so disgusted by JoJo’s lack of viral video knowledge, but it is a little unforgivable that she had no idea what “Dammmmn, Daniel” was. Even “Hipster” Brandon had seen it, but probably “before it became popular.”
Maybe he should have referenced something more mainstream, like “Chocolate Rain” or “Star Wars Kid.” If Daniel would’ve jumped out of the limo rockin’ a Jedi robe and a homemade lightsaber then he definitely would have beats Wells for best entrance.
Evan – the guy who’s touched countless penises – takes offense to a drunk Daniel poking him in the belly button. Suddenly, every guy in the house is up in arms because “you just don’t touch another man’s belly button! UNCALLED FOR!!!”
I’m aware of most social etiquette norms, but touching a male belly button isn’t one of them. Rubbing a pregnant woman’s stomach? Yes, absolutely. And ironically, if any one of these guys does that on the norm, it’s probably Evan.
Urban Dictionary says that if you place your finger inside someone’s belly button for 8 seconds it’s classified as “belly button rape,” which sounds pretty extreme. So, even if that were true, what Daniel did could at most only be considered “belly button heavy petting.”
Wells rented All-4-One for the entire evening, so he’s dang sure going to get his money’s worth.
I’m a little concerned for next week if Wells receives a date card and Boyz II Men cancels at the last minute. Is Pitbull available?
Between Daniel stripping down to his underwear, Jonathan exposing his “Scottish heritage,” and Coconut the Unicorn’s phallic symbol on it’s forehead, I’m shocked Evan was able to even focus on JoJo.
“Oh my! God bless America!” -- What Evan says in wiener heaven.
Chad is basically a running commentary of everything you and I are thinking as we’re watching the show. And judging by the highlights of this season he could end up being one the greatest contestants ever.
“Everyone is Showing Up Roses”
No one wants to get beat by Santa >> Jake slithers onto the scene >> A surprise finish
Daniel survives the first night rose ceremony even though he went swimming. Normally that’s the kiss of death for a Bachelorette contestant. It’s the equivalent of Super Mario touching lava. Not even the star can save him.
Daniel must have a relationship Game Genie.
The fact that JoJo is close with Jake Pavelka should make you question her decision-making skills.
All the Bachelors start freaking out because they think Jake’s trying to weasel in on their chances with JoJo, and for a moment there it looked like he was there to find a relationship with her.
“JoJo…I want love………”
“…for you.” -- Jake, adding drama.
Luckily, JoJo knew better and let Jake finish his sentence before responding. ALWAYS LET JAKE FINISH HIS SENTENCES!
If anyone is interrupting a Bachelorette show, it should be Chris Bukowski and NO ONE ELSE.
Who gets the first one-on-one date??? Stay tuned for next week’s Bachelorette Breakdown!
Miss an episode? We’ve got you covered:
Episode 1 -- Not Your Average JoJo’s
Episode 2 -- JoJoJoJo, And To All A Good Night
Episode 3 -- “J-J-J-Jo-Jo, JoJo, Jo-Yeahhhh”
Episode 4 -- Fear Does Not Exist In This JoJo
Episode 5 -- Jo Money, Jo Problems
Episode 6 -- Don’t Cry For Me, Ar-Jo-Tina
Episode 7 -- “I Gauch-Jo On My Mind”
Episode 8 -- There’s Jo Place Like Home
Episode 9 -- Wake Me Up, Before You JoJo
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays 8:00/7:00 Central on ABC.
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