The Resource Room

For those who were straight “A” students in school you probably have no idea what – or where – the Resource Room is. Well, prepare to have your mind blown.

The Resource Room is for those who didn’t necessarily “excel” in the classroom. It’s basically made up of students who can’t keep up with the normal curriculum: the white-trash kids, the English as a second language kids, and the trouble-making kids. (Side note: I always felt bad for the ESL kids because I’m sure they thought every American was just like Ricky Bobby’s bratty sons in Talladega Nights.)

Walker and Texas Ranger from Talladega Nights are the kind of kids you'll find in the Resource Room.

When I was in second grade I took a test and found out I had some type of learning disability. The testing guy told me, “We’ve got a nice class for you. It’s tucked away in the corner of the school and they’ll help you out.” I was excited, but at the same time that was kind of like the same thing the government would tell you before experimenting on your body.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh that is too bad that you had to go to the Resource Room. If only you would have tried harder then maybe you wouldn’t have had to go.” Oh, how wrong you are. After all, think about how much fun Theo on the Cosby Show had before they found out he was dyslexic.

Cosby Show Pilot Episode Theo Scene

You want to know why they called it the Resource Room? Because, we special kids are resourceful. Not only did we manipulate our teachers to get privileges you smart kids never got, but you can’t even begin to imagine all the trouble we caused with simple, ordinary classroom items like glue, paper, staples and the like. Some might call us the MacGyvers of the short bus.


Unfortunately, I never got to stay the entire day. Around 10:45 the teacher would announce “Ok it’s time to go!” Everyone would look at me saying “I’m so sorry,” like my dog just died. Oh average student, if you only knew about this place you would be flunking math tests just to get here. We may not have had the fancy graphing calculators or won too many spelling bees, but the Resource Room was the most fun place in the school – outside of having lunch room duty, of course.

Reasons Why the Resource Room Rules!

Reason #1: Our teachers. These ladies were probably the nicest ever. They knew that they had the dumbest kids in school on their hands, so if they could just keep the children happy for an hour their job was done.

Reason #2: You take the four craziest, nuttiest, most hyperactive kids out of each class and put them together in one room. What you essentially create is a vacuum of chaos, insanity, and non-stop jokes. Some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard came from that hallowed place. It’s kind of like on that Captain Planet cartoon when all the dorky kids combine their silly rings together, but instead of forming Mr. Planet we formed a whirlwind of idiots.

Captain Planet - Let our Powers Combine!

Reason #3: I don’t even know if I can reveal this. It goes against the Resource Room Code of Ethics which says “what happens in the resource room stays in the resource room.” (Okay, we kind of stole the saying from Vegas). It feels like a magician explaining the cutting a person in half trick. (Let’s just say if I were G.O.B. on Arrested Development I would be kicked out of the League of Magicians.)

We never explained to others the fun we had for fear of “over-swelling the ranks,” and forcing us to share this secret haven. By revealing this to you I knowingly accept the risk that those white-trash kids (who are now criminals) will probably kill me for the two dollars in my pocket. You need to know what you were missing out on. Brace yourself for this…

Every Friday was FREE DAY!

It was like a Last-Day-Of-School party every Friday. So while you were over in your normal class slaving away on word problems about apples and oranges, I was playing computer games and eating microwave popcorn off a paper towel. I remember my killer high kicks on that sweet karate game and killing unlimited buffalo on the plentiful plains of The Oregon Trail! While you were respectfully raising your hand to use the bathroom, we were fighting over the Frogger floppy disk. (and I mean physically fighting) The best part came near holidays. Forget about cutting snowflakes and making feather headdresses out of colored construction paper. We just watched movies.

It was the life, sometimes I wish I could go back to the Resource Room – if only for one day. My one wish is for my children to be smart enough to one day visit that magical place. Even the Narnia kids would be super jealous.

Talk to me, loser.

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