AHHHHH JEAH! Guess what folks? Olympic swimmer and all-around bro Ryan Lochte has managed to do something that even the great Kurt Cobain couldn’t do when he took his own life. That’s right…RYAN LOCHTE KILLED NIRVANA.
No, he didn’t drown Dave Grohl. He did something much worse.
Ryan Lochte helped recreate Nirvana’s famous Nevermind album cover by posing underwater for the recent Music issue of ESPN the Magazine. You all remember that album cover, right? It’s the one with the naked baby swimming after a one dollar bill with his dinkey hanging out. Yep, that one.
And before you read any more let’s just get something straight: NO, ladies and gay dudes, Ryan DOES NOT show his…ummm “Lochtes” for the ESPN shoot – he wore a speedo. Sorry, this isn’t the Body issue.
And NEVER MIND that Lochte was only seven when that album came out in 1991, which means he probably stole his older sister’s CD and played Smells Like Teen Spirit over and over for his friends at recess while saying “Jeah, we’re soooo grunge, guys!” No, we’ll even look past that.
In fact, the recreation of the album cover was actually pretty darn good. Look at his form. It’s nearly flawless. Even the dollar bill is crinkled the same way. I’d give it about 8.5 JEAH’S out of 10 on the Lochte scale.
But the photo shoot itself wasn’t the issue. It’s what happened afterward when Lochte opens his mouth:
OH MAN, THE BRO TALK! Soooo great. Let’s break down the highlights of this exclusive behind-the-scenes video while Cobain turns over in his grave.
0:19 – It takes Lochte numerous takes to get three simple things right:
1. his name,
2. how to pronounce Nirvana (or should I say NIRK-vana),
3. and what city he’s in. This is so absolutely awesome I can’t contain myself.
0:30 – “If you look at the baby, he’s definitely happy in the water. And that’s what I am. Whenever I step foot in that water, I’m happy.” Soooo, I guess Ryan Lochte just admitted that he gets an erection when he swims. Oh wait, sorry…he’s just “happy.” Kind of like that ONE time he beat Michael Phelps.
0:43 – “And he’s chasing after a dollar bill, so he’s…”
Before his death, Kurt Cobain explained in an interview that he had watched a T.V. program on water births and simply thought it was a great photo. After the picture was taken he thought it would be cool to add the dollar on a fish hook. Who knows if there was any additional meaning behind it, but I’m 100% sure that babies have no concept of money. But bros do. Bros LOVE money, and the grind.
0:53 – “Trying to perfect the perfect shot…” Hahahaha is that like “I’m going to watch my watch?“ or “fish for some fish?“ or “drink that strange drink?“ Oh man, Lochte, you’re a gold medal wordsmith.
1:03 – Ryan Lochte misses his goggles, and that’s why he’s blinking so much. Then he has to ask if he’s blinking a lot. Uh yeah, like every other word, bro. Either that or he overdosed on Ritalin.
1:17 – Lochte hopes that when people see the photo they’ll be all like “Daaaang, look at that guy,” but I think most people will just think…
I cannot wait for Ryan Lochte’s reality show this April on E!
OH, and R.I.P Nirvana. We’re sorry.
JEAH! JEAH! JEAH! follow me on Twitter @dirtyofthesouth