Bachelor Breakdown – The Roller Derpy

Word of advice, don’t ever watch The Bachelor on Hulu.

Somehow they turned a two-hour show into two hours and fifteen minutes after all the commercial breaks. It was infuriating watching commercials every five minutes with the same ads being played. Every break featured the same commercial for an antidepressant. They showed this same commercial at least 15 times. I don’t know what this says about the perception of Bachelor fans, but I do know that Golf magazines are filled with ads for luxury cars and ED medication for a reason…

My friend Chase (@chasemerica) made a great point about the difference between Bachelors and Bachelorettes:

Guy loses on the bachelorette, still gets any girl he wants. Girl becomes emotional train wreck and loses on the bachelor, single for life.


Chase Bartholomew

And on that note…

A quick look at the Bachelorettes that left us…

the-bachelorLeslie got showered with gifts like Julia Roberts on her “Pretty Woman” date and just like the movie, she was rejected like a Dikembe Mutombo block (I haven’t actually seen the movie).

Leslie was bragging about receiving diamond earrings from Sean on their first date. Which makes me wonder, did she really think that he bought them? Did she also think that she was shopping on his dime on Rodeo Drive? Leslie got sent home in a minivan, but she did remember to take off the diamond necklace before her exit. This was a good move for her but it robbed us of what would have been an amazing moment:

[ Leslie enters car and drives off ]

Sean hangs his head as he contemplates his decision. Suddenly, he dashes off after the car.

Sean (yelling): “Leslie! Leslie!”

[ He reaches the car, opens the door, and looks into Leslie’s eyes]

Sean (sincerely): “Hey kinda need to get that necklace back before you go home.”

[End scene]

I will never forgive Leslie for making us miss out on that moment.


Amanda took a spill roller skating and milked it for all she could. Had I been the Bachelor and suspected her doing this I would said things like, “It looks like you caught your nose too, it’s all crooked” or “How did that fall make your forehead bigger???” That would teach her.

Fortunately Sean is much more sympathetic than I am and Amanda probably would have made it through until she decided to look like this at the rose ceremony:


It doesn’t take a cosmetics consultant to know that lipstick looks terrible. Goodbye.

 Top 3 Bachelorettes (in no particular order)

selma-alameri-bachelorSelma immediately became the most interesting Bachelorette in the history of the show on her one-on-one date. She said she couldn’t kiss Sean on TV because she was Muslim and their culture is not so public with dating (I can only assume that there are no reality dating shows on TV in Iraq).

I can’t even wrap my head around this yet. What is going to happen going forward? What happens if she wins? Could Sean propose and marry into a Muslim family? While there are many uncertainties going forward, one thing I am sure of is that I am rooting for Selma to make it to a hometown date. While Selma showed some good self-control in not kissing Sean on TV, I can’t imagine her parents are pleased with anything that has to do with the show. Selma just became my new favorite this season for that reason alone.


Lindsay made a huge jump from the bottom to the top three. She didn’t do anything amazing in this episode but there always seem to be random shots of them smooching. Probably just to keep her from talking with that terrible lisp, but either way, she looks to be doing well lately.


Lesley stays in the top three by default. She didn’t do anything great this week from what we saw, but nobody else did anything to replace her.

Episode Highlights

While I’m sure Selma was ecstatic to even get a one on one date with Sean, she kinda got the crappy date. Leslie got new clothes, jewelry, and a fancy dinner/last meal on her date, while Selma had to go rock climbing and then spend the night in a trailer park.

“My own trailer? How romantic.”

Also, I love how they film the rock climbing to make it look like Sean and Selma are the only two people out there. They do a good job of not showing the dozens of climbing experts, cameramen, and paramedics on site.

After watching the girls attempt to play volleyball, I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt about their athletic abilities. I chose to believe that someone in editing made it look like they were all incapable of hitting the ball anywhere but straight out-of-bounds. After watching them attempt to roller skate, I am convinced that editing did the best they could to make that even resemble a game of volleyball. There is not a single athlete in the group.

The Bachelor Roller Derby

I’m sure ABC producers were excited and proud of the idea for the roller derby until they realized the girls couldn’t skate for more than ten feet without wiping out. I thought it was a crime that they didn’t go through with the roller derby. I don’t care if Amanda hit her chin this is reality TV!!! These girls signed liability waivers didn’t they?!?! We want to see some real crashes!!! If only they would have hired Bow Wow for a quick lesson in roller skating before the derby I’m sure the girls would have done better.

If I could go the rest of my TV life without somebody saying “I’m here for the right reasons” I could die happy.

There are no right reasons to be on reality TV.

Bottom 3 Bachelorettes (in very particular order)


Basically all the girls hate Tierra and she has already adopted a “me against everyone else” mentality. She had a complete emotional breakdown in front of Sean and when it looked like she was about to kick herself off the show, she got a rose. At this point I don’t know if she is going home next week or going to win it all, but I wouldn’t bet either way.


Daniella lives in the bottom three and will continue to be in my bottom three until she does anything worthwhile.


Robyn is going home next week. You heard it here first.

Next week is going to be two night special episode. It makes me mad that ABC thinks that I have nothing else to do and have four hours to watch reality TV but what makes me even more mad is that they are right.

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3 thoughts on “Bachelor Breakdown – The Roller Derpy”

  1. They also did an amazing job of making it look like Selma climbed that rock-face herself. We all know some dude was at the top pulling up all, what was it, 110 pounds of her tiny body? I’m surprised Amanda didn’t set the mansion on fire on her way out.. She’s creepy.

    Love the breakdown!

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