The best Lance Armstrong tweets about him losing his 7 Tour de France titles.

TWEEKED! Best Lance Armstrong Tweets

Put away your LIVESTRONG bracelets (if you already haven’t) because Lance Armstrong is no longer a Tour de France champion. He was stripped of his seven titles, Olympic medal and banned for life from the sport by the USADA because he allegedly used performance-enhancing substances. Oh, and did I mention that he also never failed a drug test?

The biggest question is “Did he really use PEDs?” and the short answer is “OF COURSE!” You can’t be the only guy that’s clean in one of the dirtiest sports in the world.

So then I guess the second most important question is “Are they giving the vacated Tour de France titles to someone else?” Because chances are that person was doping too. And the third place guy, and the fourth place guy, and … you get the point.

Lance chose not to fight the allegations because he’s guilty tired of the “witch hunts” and “false accusations and evidence.” You know who doesn’t make those excuses? innocent people.

None of this make sense to us either, which is why we have TWEEKED! The best Lance Armstrong tweets of the week!

Thank goodness we still have the music of Lance Armstrong. What a Wonderful World.
Brad Paisley


I knew Lance didn't have the ball to fight those allegations.
Alec Sulkin


Poor Lance Armstrong. Now who will middle-class men look up to when they're going through a mid-life crisis?
Adam Liaw


That awkward moment when "not five, not six not seven" refers to Lance Armstrong and not LeBron James.
Not Bill Walton


To put the Lance Armstrong thing in perspective, losing 7 titles in competitive bicycling is like losing 14 titles in competitive unicycling
Dave Itzkoff


If the US Anti-Doping Agency strips Lance Armstrong of his 7 titles I'll strongly continue to not watch or support the Tour de France ever.
Dane Cook


The US Doping Agency is really breaking Lance Armstrong's ball


Lance Armstrong with 500+ clean tests but banned on hearsay. If baseball adopted this policy, they'd have six players left.
Mick Shaffer


Instead of banning Lance Armstrong from cycling for life, how about just making him put tassels on his handlebars from now on?
Aaron Fullerton


All those Lance Armstrong bracelets? Plasticized steroids mixed with tears.
John Moe


Lance Armstrong's engagement to Sheryl Crow to be scrubbed from the record books.


With a last name like Armstrong, there is a lot to live up to. I get it, Lance. I get it.
Steven Amiri


I hope Penn State doesn't have a Lance Armstrong statue.
Peyton's Head


Anyone who has a problem with Lance Armstrong hasn't ridden over the Williamsburg bridge on Adderall.
trace crutchfield


Feel the same way about Lance Armstrong as I do Barry Bonds. If your sport is using and you still dominated? Greatness.
Tom Haberstroh


Is anyone really surprised Lance Armstrong was doping? Three of the times he won the Tour de France he was on a Huffy.
Matt Nedostup


Lance Armstrong to be stripped of seven yellow jerseys. What a break for those guys who finished second who were also doping. #armstrong
Sid Seixeiro


Lance Armstrong will be given a 3-year bowl ban, lose 10 scholarships and also be put on probation.
Adam Kramer


Congrats on your LIVESTRONG bracelet making you look stupid for a second reason.
Jason Mustian


I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don't even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
Michael Ian Black


Thinking of taking up cycling... Just found out I've won as many Tour De France's as Lance Armstrong.
Shannon Byrnes


I'm going to be really disappointed if I find out Lance Armstrong has two balls.
CJ Werleman


They may be able to take away Lance Armstrong's titles, but they'll never be able to take away my ambivalence about it.
Josh Hara


. @ yeah we’re going to need that other testicle
Sean Gabay


Lance Armstrong? Haven't seen this much fuss over a bicycle since Pee Wee Herman's got stolen.
Jimmie Tramel


Bad news: Lance Armstrong will be banned from cycling forever. Good news: that doesn't include spin class!!
Michelle Wolf


BREAKING: Lance Armstrong has tested positive for three banned substances in France. Soap, deodorant and tooth paste.


Man does Lance Armstrong hope that Tim Tebow completes three straight 5-yard curls today to take the media glare off him.
Paul Pabst


Lance Armstrong serves as a strong reminder that all people who ride bikes are awful people.
Rex Huppke


.@ hey so can I have your bike
Chase Mitchell


In 2004 Lance Armstrong didn't win the Tour de France, USC didn't win the title and Joe Paterno didn't coach Penn State. Got it.
Bobby Big Wheel


Lance Armstrong's famuly is really upset, so upset, that his brother, Stretch split open and spilled a bunch of inedible goo everywhere.
Kevin Woolery


Lance Armstrong uses performance-enhancing drugs & loses his Trophies but Chris Brown uses auto-tune & keeps his Grammy.
John Fugelsang


At least Lance Armstrong has the shirtless shoulder of Matt McConaughey to cry on.
Jason Mustian


Lance Armstrong is banned from cycling for life. If you see him on a bike, please knock him off and then shout, "NO!" right in his face.
John Moe


What about all those Tour de France races where Lance Armstrong beat Penn State?
Ken Jennings


By far, Lance Armstrong's darkest legacy will be that he convinced millions of men it was okay to wear bike shorts.
Andy Borowitz


Wonder how long it will take @ to update his twitter bio...


I was just stripped of my 3rd grade perfect attendance title. #livestrong
Chris Franjola


Three words, Lance Armstrong: Better. Call. Saul.
Nately Erickson Lance Armstrong is the Milli Vanilli of cycling.
Savan Kotecha


So sad that Lance Armstrong's been banned from cycling. But at least he's now eligible for the Chinese women's swimming team.
Joe Hildebrand

2 thoughts on “TWEEKED! Best Lance Armstrong Tweets”

  1. FIRST!!! Excellent collection! The best were the ones making fun of people who wear the livestrong bracelets. Cancer survivors are so annoying!

  2. Yeah pretty funny. He hasn’t been stripped of his tour de France titles….yet. Just cuz the usada banned him doesn’t mean he r those

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