Mr. America loves fireworks on the 4th of July.

Wake Up, Wake Up – It’s the 4th of July

Thousands of souls gave their lives so that we could someday get totally hammered, roast a few hot dogs, and light off fireworks on the 4th of July. Let’s thank them.

Many people consider the 4th of July to be the greatest holiday in America. A day when we reflect on our great nation. A day we remember all those who have sacrificed so much to make ‘Merica amazing. A day to reflect on all the great accomplishments that have occurred from sea to shining sea, and remember what it means to be “A Real American”.

Oh, who am I kidding, it’s a day of sunburns, drinking, hot dog eating contests, barbecues and FIREWORKS!

Joey Chestnut at 69 hot dogs and broke the World Record on the 4th of July.
Joey Chestnut – a TRUE American – ate 69 hot dogs to win the Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

As I reflect on the many holidays, I believe holiday decor and the like determine what kind holiday spirit an individual has. For example, the lights on your house during Christmas tell others about your “Christmas spirit.”

The size and amount of candy you hand out tells your neighbors and each trick-or-treater about your Halloween spirit. (Those people who just gave out one packet bottle caps had crappy spirit!)

The 4th of July is no different.

The fireworks a person lights off illustrate to those around them what kind of Independence Day spirit they have. Well folks, it’s time to spend our 4th of July money in the most flashy way possible.

I believe there are five different types of fireworks technicians:

The Patio Man enjoys fireworks for free on the 4th of july.

“The Patio Man”

Money spent annually on fireworks = $Zero, nada
Things “The Patio Man” would say:

“Buying fireworks is just like burning your money!”

“If it don’t make dollars, it don’t make cents!”

This moralist believes there is more to Independence day than getting wasted and lighting off a paycheck worth of fireworks.

On the evening of the 4th of July, this guy simply plops himself on a lawn chair on his own patio. For the first three hours, he stands guard as self-proclaimed “volunteer firefighter” of the neighborhood.  At his lookout post – garden hose at this side – he waits for the neighbors to light his yard on fire. He lectures his kids to “not turn out like the crazy neighbors,” who are playing Roman Candle tag.

At dusk, he turns his attention to the FREE city fireworks show, and before bed he reads The Declaration of Independence.

This loser only likes sparklers on the 4th of July.


Money spent annually on fireworks = $0-10
Things “Sparky” would say:

“Hey babe, if I light my beard on fire with a sparkler, now many ‘likes’ you think that’d get on Facebook?”

This former hippy believes there is one – and only one – firework out there: The Sparkler. Everything else is just nonsense. He goes to the firework stand and drops a Hamilton on dozens of sparklers, and now and then he gets “crazy” and buys a few jumping jacks. He forces his family and friends to enjoy what he calls “sparkler magic.” His motto is, “It’s safe, it’s fun, you can dance with ’em and you can spell your name in the air with ’em.”

His wife – with her fancy SLR camera – learned a new flash setting to take cool pics and spends the night taking awesome photos that will be plastered all over Facebook and Instagram.

The cool dad buys fireworks for his kids.

“The Family Man”

Money spent annually on fireworks = $15-35
Things “The Family Man” would say:

“If I can make it through another 4th of July without a hospital run then I will chalk it up as a success.”

This guy wants to be a hip dad, so he’ll buy the Blast Pack for the kids for an exciting – but nice, conservative firework show. He likes Bees, little tanks, and worms; things the firework stand seller would call “the weak stuff.”

His main concern is not buying anything that will burn down the field adjacent to their home or take off Little Timmy’s arm.

Losers buy $300 worth of fireworks on the 4th of July.

“The Fire Cracker”

Money spent annually on fireworks = $50-90
Things “The Fire Cracker” would say:

“I don’t give a hoot about things that dance, fly around, or sparkle; I want to blow stuff up!”

This crazy dude will travel miles and miles to any Indian Reservation to buy the illegal stuff.

This dude with his buddies goes out to the woods with M-80’s, M-60’s, Roman Candles, and Black Cats. He spends his evening finding things to blow up. This nut job has no idea why Americans even celebrate the 4th of July, and could really care less.

the Uncle Larry tries to out due the city fireworks show on the 4th of July.

“Uncle Larry”

Money spent annually on fireworks = $ Whatever to out blast the city’s show
Things “Uncle Larry” would say:

“Every year I invite my entire family over to our house, I put on firework display that puts shame into the city’s show. In my mind I am undefeated.”

This pyro wakes up Christmas morning and the first thought that comes to his mind is, “only 192 days till the 4th of July!” He knows his stuff – blindfolded, this guy can identity 90% of the fireworks out on the market. He doesn’t buy fireworks at the local stand; he shops on-line, buys them wholesale, and bids to his heart’s content on eBay.

Just remember it’s not the size of the firework, it’s the…well that’s a lie, go big or go home.

All joking aside, I think it’s easy to point out problems that occur around the United States, or if “we were in charge” what we’d do to fix it. It’s my hope that on this special day we reflect on the positive aspects of our history, on how great of a place it is to live, and how privileged we are to live in this amazing county with our freedom.

Have a safe and sound 4th of July, losers!

Talk to me, loser.

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