Halloween is here again, and you know what that means: WOMEN EVERYWHERE UNITE…AND DRESS LIKE HOOKERS!
When it comes to Halloween costumes, the ladies have it made. Have you been into one of those Halloween stores? Three quarters of their inventory is crap for them. I by “inventory” I mean basically clothes that prostitutes or girls in rap videos would wear.
So if you’re a girl, and have no reason to like yourself, you should have nothing to fear come Halloween time. Be grateful that somewhere along the line some girl thought: “How can we make Halloween less about candy and more about degrading ourselves?” Oh, that girl totally succeeded.
Now, these stores have it all in the skanky costume department. Of course, there’s the obvious classics like “Sexy Nurse”, “Sexy School Girl” and “Sexy Librarian” but here are ten sexy costumes you might not know about:
1. Sleazy Jockey (aka “Slockey”)
If you thought horse racing was dirty enough with gambling and the mafia involvement then you were dead wrong. Now there are porn stars riding around the track so pray that your horse’s tetanus shots are current.
“Slockey” is of course a perfect “10” as shown by the number on her sleeve, but that could also be her IQ so don’t hold your breath. And the whip? Yeah, we “get it,” Slockey, it’s not for the horse, right?
And let’s take a guess at what she named her horse: “Ain’t Misbehavin” ? Or is it “Cheap Trick” ? Or maybe “I Dig Your Boyfriend” like those trashy shirts that some girls wear?
I would seriously pay someone $100 bucks to walk around in this outfit at the Breeder’s Cup and see how many people look at them with their “You’re disgusting” eyes.
2. Whorish Dorothy (aka Whorothy)
“Oh dear, we’re not in Kansas anymore,” but we are at a nudie bar and Dorothy is working the pole trying to put herself through community college. Funny how she still has enough money to afford ruby-covered high heels.
Now if Dorothy were smart and not a complete pile of trash then she would have just asked the Wizard for a brain and he would’ve handed her a diploma. End of story. But no, she runs away from home, starts wearing jewel-encrusted shoes, and befriends random, weird-looking strangers to help her “make it” in the big city.
Wait…that sounds EXACTLY like the life of a stripper to me.
Auntie Em would never approve of this costume, but I have a feeling that the Lollipop Guild would. They looked like miniature versions of guys who frequent strip clubs.
3. Return of the Skanky Jedi
Good news, Star Wars dorks! That girl from science club you have crush on just arrived at the Halloween party. Sorry though…she’s not dressed like Princess Leia when she was Jabba’s slave like you had hoped, but if she was would you really have a chance with her? Answer: absolutely not.
So here’s your chance, losers. Get your pick-up lines ready.
Dork #1 (dressed like Yoda):
“Strong is the force with this one. Verrrrrry strong.”
Dork #2 (dressed like Obi Wan and waving his hand like a Jedi):
“You want to hook up with me. You cannot resist me.”
Dork #3 (dressed like that pig-lookin’ dude from Episode 4 who pops off to Luke in the Cantina):
“I’m a wanted man on 12 systems. But you’re only wanted in one – mine.”
Dork #4 (dressed like Jar-Jar):
Meesa think yo so fine. Maybe weesa go out.”
4. “Adult Entertainment” Chick
Never underestimate the Naughty Cable Installer. If you treat her right she’ll give you all the good channels for free – including HBO, Skin-a-max, Starz…you name it. What about ESPN 8? It’s yours.
Buuuuuuuut, DO NOT invite Naughty Cable Installer chick to your party or even on a date. She’ll only arrive during a 5-hour window and never call you when she’s late.
Oh, and she’ll probably overcharge you once your few months of “trial” dating are up.
5. Hoe Depot Worker (aka the Homewrecker)
When I go into a home improvement store I want someone to help me quickly. I don’t have time to waste trying to find the right size bolt, comparing washers/dryers, or picking out paint swatches. Not my thing. I want the seasoned fix-it guy to take me under his wing and say “A #4 hex nut is what you need. Follow me, sire.”
And side note: If some handyman guy is reading this and says “there’s no such thing as a hex nut” then shut up. Seriously, just keep it to yourself.
What is Hoe Depot Worker going to help me with? Okayyyyy, let me guess – You can help me with the garden tools. (Too easy). Oh, and I’m sure you’re an expert on screws and nails (still to easy).
No, I’m sure Hoe Depot chick does about as much as Pam Anderson on that Tool Time show…which was nothing.
6. Sleazy Bumblebee (aka Slumblebee)
Bumblebees are normally fat, slow, and can barely fly, but if you’re a hooker dressed in a bumblebee costume then you’re thin, fast, and can barely think.
I guess with this one someone thought: “Hmmmm, all the possible skanky human costumes are taken. Perhaps if I started making ‘sexy’ animal ones people will take notice.” This was a bad choice for many reasons, the first being that it feeds right into that super-creepy “furries” fetish.
Ok, so if this is a trend then here’s some I want to see (in order): “Sexy Hippo”, “Sexy Turtle”, “Sexy Cockroach” and “Sexy Anteater.” And why stop there? How about normal, everyday objects? What about “Sexy Microwave,” or “Sexy DVD Player”, or “Sexy Math Book?”
If they had sexy math books in college I might have actually passed advanced calculus.
7. Hooker Goth (aka Hoth)
Beware of this girl. Yeah, she looks great right now with her tight black costume, but don’t forget she’s a goth FIRST…hooker SECOND.
Dating goth chick means you’ll get love notes written in her own blood, and packages delivered to you on Valentine’s Day with a withered rose inside or maybe even a pig’s heart. After she kisses you she’ll bite your neck, and then laugh, and then recite a creepy poem to you about how she wants to see you in pain.
Yes, Hooker Goth probably loves you, but also probably wants to secretly murder you.
8. CSI Sexpert
This costume is for all the strippers who watch CSI on TV and thought to themselves:
“That hot redhead woman was an exotic dancer (aka stripper) and became a CSI person. I can do that too.”
Sure you can, but you probably have more chance of becoming an actress – which she is in real life – than anything resembling a crime scene investigator, a scientist, or even a high school graduate for that matter.
She doesn’t have to look far for any DNA evidence because most of it is probably on her dress. And why are you using a magnifying glass? You aren’t Sherlock Holmes and this isn’t the late 1800s. We have much more advanced equipment now.
9. “Not A” Lady Liberty
So it wasn’t enough that France gave us the “Sexy French Maid” costume. Really? If only their were a male version of this for the Lincoln Monument.
10. “Not Straight” Jacket Chick
Whomever created this costume has this opinion of women: not only are they all apparently crazy, but they’re also all skanky as well.
Ok, and “not it” to be this girl’s date at a Halloween party.
“Um, can you get me something to drink?”
“Ok, now can you hold it up to my mouth so I can take a sip?”
“Ok now I want something to eat”
“No, not that! Give me something else!”
“Why are you talking to that girl!?”
“I don’t care if she was serving you appetizers!”
“Are you trying to make me jealous!?”
“Why won’t you say you love me?!”
“Take me home now!”
“No, stay. Hold me.”
“Get your hands off me!”
Happy Halloween! Stay classy, ladies.