Bachelorette Emily Maynard

Bachelorette Breakdown – Emily’s Suitors

The Bachelorette is back with Emily! That means we have 25 new bros that will spend the next couple months trying to prove to Emily and the country that they aren’t a bunch of self-centered tools and are ready to become an insta-daddy.

The twist with this season is that Emily is the mother of a young daughter so she is not only looking for a husband, but also a man that her kid can call by his first name for the duration of their two year marriage. From the successes that we’ve seen in two people finding love on national tv on previous seasons, I can only think that this is going to improve Emily’s chances…. not. Whether she finds love or not, we can all agree that this season is going to be great. Watching a bunch of dudes that spend their free time sun bathing and talking about their feelings while vying for the opportunity to propose to a real life Barbie with a kid… I will be watching. Let’s get to know our potential fathers

First, a quick look at those that left us this week.

Aaron is a 36 year old BIOLOGY TEACHER from CANADA.  Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! and yerrrr out!  Thanks for playing Aaron.

Kyle was also denied a rose and will be leaving. I don’t know much about Kyle. His online bio says that his worst fear is to “get denied when going in for a kiss.” I think what he meant to say was getting rejected on national tv.

Emily said that Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey. She then proceeded to invite him on a 1 on 1 date, made love promises and put them in a love clock, and then sent his butt back to Orlando.  Emily is all business this season.

And now our remaining suitors and their weekly grades:

Arie is a bad A race car driver who was born in the Netherlands.  If being a race car driver isn’t cool enough, he also has two tattoos.  I am interested to see how this plays out because as some of you know, Emily’s former lover and father of her child was also a race car driver. An A+ goes to ABC for casting him. I am gonna give Arie a solid B this week. He didn’t get much face time with Emily but he made it count when he did.

Charlie is a recruiter who apparently struggles with public speaking.  When asked to perform some standup comedy in a charity show, Charlie freaked out and asked Emily to get out of it.  Emily didn’t see this as lame and it sort of endeared him to her.  Then she likened him coming to her like a child coming to a mother for help. I’m not sure that’s the kind of comparison you want coming from the woman you are trying to get with.  Charlie gets a D for this week.  Man up and tell a knock knock joke dude.

I don’t know much about Sean but just sitting here looking at his picture there is something that I don’t like about him. I give Sean a C.

Travis is the fool that showed up with an ostrich egg to show to Emily what great care he is going to take of her and Ricki.  He gets an A+ for adding to the drama of the show because that egg is defintely going to be crushed by one of the other guys, but a D for his personal performance.  From now on I will only refer to Travis as [ryvl video_url=”” auto_play=”yes”] Egg Man. [/ryvl]

Allesandro comes to us from Brazil. So far, Allesandro has not shown that he even speaks english. It is unfortunate that we have yet to hear him speak more than a few words because I can tell that what would come out of his mouth would be beautiful poetry.  Allesandro gets an A+ for his mystery factor.

Doug knocked up his girlfriend when he was about 20 and that somehow makes more mature than the rest of the guys.  I can already tell that his catchphrase will be, “As a father” or “You’re too young to understand.” Somehow he thinks that having an 11 year old is going to help him win Emily’s heart. There are actually a couple bachelors that have children and I would just love to see Emily kick them off one by one and then tell the camera, “You know he was great but he has a kid and that is a lot to take on.”  Doug already annoys me but he does get an A+ for bringing in a letter from his son that I suspect he wrote with his left hand.

Stevie is a slimeball. Just look at him. Stevie is a Party MC which means he is a tool by trade. This [ryvl video_url=”” auto_play=”yes”] video [/ryvl] can pretty much sum up why I, and I assume everyone else, hate Stevie.  Stevie gets a D, B, A, and G.

Ryan showed this week that he is here to win.  He is a total cheeseball but Emily seems to like his fakeness.  Even though it was super lame, I gotta give him an A for his poem/romance novel that he wrote for Emily.

After talking about Ryan, we have to mention Tony. Tony gets an A for worst timing ever and an F for his overall performance. I’m pretty sure he was only given a rose because Emily is so nice. Tony got a boost of confidence from his other bros and decided he needed some face time with Emily. He went out to steal her away from Ryan just as he was pulling out his note for her. Tony ended up standing in the room waiting for what I can only hope was the most awkward 15 minutes of his life as he listened to the SEVEN PAGE short story that Ryan wrote for Emily. Tony handled it well though and made a decent joke about the situation afterwards. I take back my grade from before, Tony deserves a C for putting himself in, but also getting out of an extremely awkward situation with minimal damage.

I don’t know much about Michael but look at that glorious hair.  Doesn’t hair like that just seem to say, “I am so ready to raise a child that isn’t mine?” A+ dude.

This is Nate. Nate gets a C for this week because I don’t remember anything about him. This isn’t survivor Nate, you don’t want to fly under the radar.

This guy’s name is John and apparently he is on the show too. John gets a C also. He didn’t do anything great to make him stand out, but he also didn’t do anything silly. Keep it up John!

This is Jef with one F.  He is from Salt Lake City and either started or works for People Water.  It’s a company that donates a bottle of water for every bottle they sell.  It’s hard to say anything bad about that but I personally don’t like when charity work is used as a marketing tool, which is why you will never see me drinking it. You will also never see me wearing Toms shoes. I will continue to wear my Nikes and sip on Dasani and feel good about myself.  Jef with one F looks more likely to start a boyband with his junior high buddies than he is to be a father. To help his case, he also rode in on a longboard. Nice move Jef with one F. He did get a rose even though Emily has already told him she feels awkward when talking to him. Not sure how that happened.  D+

Chris is a creep but somehow Emily seems to kinda like him.  She also told him that she thinks he is very good looking which will lead to a lifetime of irrational confidence for him.  Not only do I hope he gets kicked off soon, but I hope somebody kicks him in the junk.  B+

Alejandro is a mushroom farmer from Colombia. I want an explanation of what that means. He still hasn’t proved that he can say more than a few words in English.  A+ for getting a rose without ever actually speaking to anyone.

Raised by a single mother, Kalon is the epitome of a fancy man and my personal favorite character this season. Dude rolled in on a helicopter for his first impression and allegedly has Louis Vuitton luggage. Two episodes in and Kalon has already got into confrontations with two seperate bros.  I don’t care if he wins, but I want him to stay on as long as possible because every week he is in the house there is a greater chance of someone getting punched in the face.  Kalon gets an A+. Dude came in on a helicopter. On Bachelorette. As if to say, “I know this show uses a lot of helicopters but I want you all to know that I do this kind of crap all the time.”

As you can see, it’s gonna be a good season.

Stay tuned next week for some more updates and analysis on The Bachelorette.

10 thoughts on “Bachelorette Breakdown – Emily’s Suitors”

  1. I pretty much agree with you on all of this. Stevie is oh so slimy. Yuck. And Chris is a creep. I can’t believe she told him he’s good looking. He makes kyle and i want to say “swiper no swiping!” because he looks like the cartoon fox from Dora the explorer.

  2. Loved it. As someone who is not watching the season i am grateful to know a weekly blow by blow will be coming my way. But, um, as a 24 year old single guy, this is a bit of a risky move. Thank goodness for your beard (cough) I mean girlfriend.


  3. i knew this article had to be the work of brad earl. pure genius. im pulling for arie this season.

  4. Great article, BooRad. I feel like I was there with you (and your beard) listening to you make witty observations about all these fine gentlemen. You get an A- from me because I want to be a BYU professor when I grow up and I need to start my disdain for giving out A’s while I’m still young.

  5. Oh my goodness, your commentary is going to make this the best Bachelorette season ever! My thoughts…
    after the all of those awful introductions on the first show, I wanted to throw them all back and search for a new 25 guys. Worst intros ever!!
    Emily had so much trouble getting rid of the love-note-in-the-clock guy that I am seriously concerned about her emotional well being. How in the world is she going to survive this?
    I don’t mean to be cruel, but Ricki seems to be one of the most uninteresting little girls I’ve ever seen yet Emily adores her (as all good mothers should.). I’ve gotta feeling that generally the bar is set low in Emily’s life (lucky her) and for that reason she just may find Mr. Right-At-The-Bar this season!
    She is truly like a real life Barbie! She looks fabulous in all her Barbie dresses and shoes!!
    I think Nate is kind of cute but maybe that’s only because he hasn’t opened his mouth yet.
    I agree Helicopter guy is highly entertaining! Hope he stays awhile.
    Why did Super Dad take such offense to Kalon’s remark? Ummm, didn’t he leave his son to go on a reality dating show? Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his son, but he did temporarily abdicate his fatherly duties to find Billy Bob a step-mom. Kalon wasn’t saying it’s a bad thing but it’s kinda factual so chill dude!
    Tip of the hat and wag of the finger to Tony for not giving up his ground no matter how awkward it got with each passing page of the love novel!
    Jef with the missing F is what, like 14? He rode in on a skateboard for goodness sakes. I would count him out but Lori (spoiler alert) told me that he stays around for a good long while. Can’t wait to see what happens there! And he’s Mormon but if you’re on the bachelorette then we all pretty much know that he’s not full time.
    Your play by play made my day!! Can’t wait for next week!!!

  6. Well. I hated Stevie because he looks like an unintelligent villain and he totally got shut down in his argument with Kalon, but after seeing his sweet dance video I think you got his grade wrong but maybe not. I mean you gave him an A and a B so even with a D and a G (not sure how that factors in) his GPA wouldn’t be too bad.

    I think Michael will win because he is me, but in another one of my timelines (community reference), and I would win this show in a heartbeat (doesn’t my hair look nice, Doog isn’t my father in that timeline).

    1. haha Michael I thought for a split second that if you had long hair you might look like that. Nice community reference.

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