Bachelorette Breakdown – Emily Maynard’s Friends

This week features one of the weirdest send-offs in Bachelorette history (and one of the biggest disappointments I have ever witnessed), some playful sexual harassment from Emily’s friends, and plenty of private concerts.

In case you missed it, here is last week’s breakdown.

ABC has made it very clear in the first few episodes that they have moved last years helicopter budget into a fund for private concerts. This must be a disappointment to most of the guys, except for Kalon who takes a helicopter to the grocery store. Just kidding, Kalon doesn’t shop in a grocery store – he is way too high class for that. Before we get to this week’s performances and grades, a few random thoughts…

I found it hilarious when Emily brought them to the park and they were acting tough and pretending like they play football, then she goes over the hill to get her friends. Once she was out of sight, I totally expected the guys to drop the football, take off their shirts, and start sunbathing. You know they wanted to.

Watching a bunch of overgrown tools pretend to be excited about playing in a park with random children was awesome. The fakeness of these men knows no bounds.

Did anyone else find Emily’s Indian friend Kashmiri (I’m guessing) to be a little out of place? I want an explanation of their friendship. She didn’t seem to even acknowledge her the whole show which makes me suspect that she was thrown in by producers to make the show appear more diverse. Good move by ABC because The Bachelorette is the whitest show on the planet.

And now let’s look at those that left us…

Tony There is always at least one person who realizes early that they have no chance of winning. To save face, they come up with a way to get off the show without the humiliation of the rose ceremony. Just watch whenever they bring on another person midway through the season, or bring back someone who got kicked off, there are always at least two people who are so upset that they decide they have lost all love for the Bachelor/Bachelorette and must leave. These people are always the ones that are about to be kicked off anyways, it’s just a way for them to save face. It’s the equivalent of a basketball team freaking out about insignificant calls at the end of the game when they are down 15 points. It’s a lot easier to swallow a loss when the game was never fair. Tony did just that this week. I think he realized that he doesn’t match up with the other dudes in terms of looks or fakeness, and therefore, doesn’t stand a chance. He broke down thinking about his kid and how much he missed him and was offered the following advice by Doug aka Father of the Year:

“Kids have the attention span of a hummingbird.  If you’re gone nine weeks you come back and it goes away like that.”

Nicely said Doug, if only Emily could have heard that fatherly advice. Props to Tony for not listening to Doug’s terrible advice and making a clean exit from a bad situation.

Allessandro And he was doing so well without opening his mouth! Why Allessandro!? Why? Why did you start talking?  You had the mystery factor going for you and then you decide to screw it up by telling Emily’s friends that you cheated before and had a one night stand?  Then you start talking about how you don’t want kids? All I know is hearing Allessandro finally speak and then hearing the nonsense that came out has got to be one of the most disappointing moments in my TV life. That was one of the weirdest contestants on any reality show that I have ever seen. Peace Allessandro, keep livin’ the good life you gypsy king.

Stevie Unfortunately Stevie wasn’t able to dance himself into Emily’s heart but he was able to dance himself right off the show and back to New Jersey where he is probably killing it at Bar Mitzvahs. I like to picture his event’s going something like this.

And now our weekly grades…

Sean Sean was borderline sexually harassed by Emily’s friends but still impressed them more than anybody. Sean doesn’t do anything amazing but he seems like a normal enough dude and Emily seems to dig it. I’m gonna give him a B+ just because of the fact that he said he wouldn’t take off his shirt but then did, and then he did pushups. Come on man, have some dignity.

Chris Chris is creepy but Emily seems to like him for some reason. He scored a one-on-one date and got the rose that night. I don’t know what it will take for Emily to realize that the guy that made a bobblehead doll of her before he even met her might be a little weird, but I’m sure it is coming.  In the meantime, Chris gets an A this week.

Arie Arie the race car driver also scored a one-on-one date and did pretty well for himself this week. I still can’t tell if Emily was just messing with him when she started to make it sound like she wasn’t going to give him the rose or if she had a change of heart as she saw him tearing up. Either way, well played Arie! Arie gets an A this week and Dolly Land looks like the lamest place on earth.

Ryan Ryan was apalled at the sight of Emily kissing another guy. I guess somehow through his irrational, self-centered mind he thought that he would win the show on week three. I can already tell it is gonna be a rough road for Ryan if he is already getting jealous and the minute he brings it up to Emily then she is going to realize how lame he is. Emily’s friends didn’t seem to like Ryan after he said that he wouldn’t be attracted to her if she got fat. I don’t see what the big deal is, he was just being honest. I tell girls that on the first date all the time and I’ve been on like a million first dates. Ryan gets an A for honesty.

Egg Man Egg Man broke his egg this week. I don’t know why, probably so I would stop calling him Egg Man. Not gonna happen.

“Yeh, that’s right, I’m the Egg Man Driving Around, King of the town Always got my windows rolled down You know, I’m the Egg Man”

Egg Man gets an A+ for his display of bravery for crushing his egg before things got weird and he started to develop weird feelings for an object.

Alejandro Alejandro can speak and he didn’t call himself a gypsy king like Allessandro.  B+ for Alejandro on learning English in such a short time. I’m excited to hear him talk to more in the coming weeks. Maybe one of these weeks he will say hello to Emily! A+ to ABC for casting such a dynamic person.

Charlie I don’t remember a single thing that Charlie did this week.  He got a rose by default because everyone hates Stevie so much. Stevie…man I hate that guy.

John John didn’t do much either but he didn’t correct Emily when she didn’t call him Wolf in the rose ceremony. A for his restraint.

Kalon I was disappointed by the lack of airtime this week for Kalon.  What happened did he fly to Italy for a fashion show on his helicopter? By the way, is that thing still parked outside the house? Because that would be awesome. “Hey guys remember when I came in on that helicopter right there? That was sweet.”  I was disappointed by Kalon’s performance this week so I will give him a C-. Not because he basically told Emily to shut her trap and let a man finish, but because he didn’t get into any cat fights with the other ladies in the house. What’s the big deal about telling a girl to stop talking so you can finish? Again, something I do all the time on dates and I’ve been on so many! Am I missing something here???

Michael Michael gets an A+. Not for doing anything special, but for not cutting that glorious hair.

Nate Nate seems like a normal guy. With multiple dudes already makin out with Emily multiple times Nate needs to start making things happen for himself. C- for waiting too long to make his move. Come on Nate don’t let Ryan get all the time he wants with Em.  Step in and be a man.

Kyle Was Kyle even in this episode? There are a few guys who are keeping a low profile but Kyle has been neither seen nor heard this season (fist bumps to everyone who got that reference). D+ for Kyle so far.

Jef Jef with one F really turned up the heat this week by telling Emily that he has a crush on her.  Then I think he wrote her a note to ask if she has a crush on him too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is in the house right now trying to add her on ICQ. Come on Jef with one F you are 27 years old! Time to start acting like a big boy. Ditch the skateboard and vans and be a grown up.  Jef with one F does get an A for killing it on the playground with those random kids though. Emily sure did take notice. Luckily she didn’t notice he wasn’t actually playing with any kids, he was just enjoying a perfectly good playground by himself.

More updates coming next week. Good luck making it through another 5 days with no Bachelorette.  It’s not easy but you can do it.

10 thoughts on “Bachelorette Breakdown – Emily Maynard’s Friends”

  1. I always enjoy a good ICQ reference. I used to have ICQ and all the alerts were Monty Python sounds.

    I can’t believe Egg Man is still on this show. I feel like the Bachelorette/Bachelor is gonna follow this trend of getting the absolute weirdest people on the show. I mean, cmon, an egg? That he treats like a child?!

  2. I think the man of many many first dates should definitely be the source of all dating wisdom. Please continue to share Obi won. (Is that how you write his name? I do not pull off the random Star Wars quotes gig)

  3. “I can’t even say it’s a language barrier. I am 100% confident that I am expressing myself.” hahahaha best bachelor ever!

  4. I am laughing so hard right now! This is going to be the best season ever with your commentary. I love it!!

  5. Julie and I really wanted Emily to send Tony home with the words, “thanks, but I’m not into girls.” Our new favorite is Sean.

  6. Did you miss the part where he said he was in a serious relationship with his COUSIN?! Third cousin…so that makes it ok. Yeah that guy was CRAZY!

Talk to me, loser.