cosmo

“Come At Me, Bro!” The BYU Football Player Fight Breakdown

In case you don’t care about College Football, aren’t Mormon, hate violence, or live in the wilderness for days at a time (me), then you probably haven’t seen the surveillance videos that caught two BYU football players brawling it out in a Rancheritos (aka Betos) restaurant.

It’s straight up Jersey Shore style, complete with douche bags and chicks getting hit in the face. You have represented your university well, young lads. Enter to learn, go forth to serve…and bust some skulls!

I scoured the internet for about 4 seconds to see if there had been a breakdown of these videos and found nothing. So, clothed in my reindeer sweatshirt and energized by two Dryer’s Fruit Bar popsicles, I attempt to organize the chaos. I will do this while listening to Kid Rock in order to feel extra trashy.

The Cast

I’m breaking the cast down into two different teams (Team Jacob and Team Edward, of course) so we can have a clear winner at the end. If there is one thing these guys learned at BYU it was how to work as a team. Teamwork on 3. 1…2…3…TEAMWORK!!

Team Jacob

Zac Stout (allegedly)

UPDATE: allegedly


This is the dude that seems to be instigating the fight. He is allegedly Mr. Zac Stout, BYU football player and lady connoisseur. He has his hat on backwards so you know he likes Ken Griffey Jr. He throws the first punch from behind a girl. Very manly. He also gets choked out on the ground by another dude and then sucker punches said dude. He is no longer a student at BYU (I think) and probably stares at himself in the mirror for hours for consolation.

Joe Sampson aka Beanie Man


This man has a beanie on, so you know it was cold that night. He is allegedly Joe Sampson, BYU football player and lover of all things Barry Manilow. He runs past the first action and makes sure to hit a dude that is wrestling his friend, Zac, in the 2nd video. He hits him in the back of the head a couple of times (like a chump). This guy is a complete dirt bag and his mom never loved him. (I hear he is a good guy, but he seems like a turd sammich in this video. I could care less.) Joe is no longer a student at BYU and is consoling himself by watching old game tape. “Back in ’82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.”

Girl Puncher

  
This man punched two women in this fight. One was wearing a blazer, headband and pink shorts and the other was an innocent bystander. There is a special place in hell reserved for trash like this guy. He is pathetic. He is weak. He straight Snookied a lady. He tries to punch Head Band Guy, but his arm happens to be a foot shorter than he thought, plus there was a woman’s head right in the way. Fortunately, he hits her then keeps fighting. This man is trash. He runs in from outside and tries to punch Head Band Guy (actually, he does about 3-4 times). Then he punches the girl. Then he tries to punch a dude that is wrestling his friend. He gets attacked by Punching Bag Guy for a couple seconds off screen, then tries to sucker punch Head Band Guy again. At the end, he walks off victorious. Numerous sucker punch attempts and one solid punch to a girls noggin. Well done. Well done.

UPDATE: “Girl Puncher” has been identified as Alexander Jackman (21), who is being charged with a class-B assault misdemeanor. So, sorry to all the other Alexander Jackman’s who live in the Provo area. Congratulations…now everyone hates you.

Sucker Punch Guy


This guy had the WORST sucker punch of the whole night. Head Band Guy is being restrained completely by some dude, and this man walks in like he’s Ice Cube and straight clocks Head Band Guy from behind. THEN he acts like a complete hard a** as he gets herded out the door. “Whats up, man?! Whatsup? Dats right! Dats right! WHat? WHAt!?” I have a message for you, Sucker Punch Guy: You have no wiener.

Team Edward

D-Bag #2

 
This guy puts his fists up like he’s in an action movie. He’s also one of the instigators, standing up and then getting punched by Zac Stout. He stays out of the mix for a little bit because his homie restrains him, but then he runs up and starts fighting Girl Puncher off camera. He gives Girl Puncher a wallop or two on camera though. I’m pretty sure he punched him with an open fist, too. Kinda girly.

Head Band Guy (Zach Gashler)


This guy got his trash handed to him all night. I kinda feel bad for him, but then I remembered he was dressed like a clown. In his defense it was Halloween night. He gets sucker punched while trying to make sense of a girl getting socked in the cabeza. “WHY UNIVERSE?!? WHY?!??!?!!? *pow!*”. Rough night for this man. But that’s what happens when you ride for your homies. (Zach actually went on the news and told his side of the story. Ballsy.)

The Wrestler


Wrestler man straight up had Zac Stout in a head and arm on the ground, with Zac squirming around trying to get out. Luckily, Joe “Beanie Man” Sampson came in to sucker punch him a few times. What does Bronco teach his boys? Hit them while they are down? I’m just messin, Zoobies (“Zoobie” is a proper noun). Don’t get mad.

Anyway. Zac squirms around like a little girl for awhile on the floor and it’s actually kind of funny. After Joe comes and punches Wrestler in the back of the head, Wrestler is dazed. Zac then acts like he is a man (he has no wiener, therefore, is not a man) and punches Wrestler in the face a couple of times. You got your trash kicked, Zac. You’re not tough. You also suck at football.

The Fight

Video #1

The fight starts towards the beginning and ends at about 1:20 into the video.

0:06 – I have no clue what these dummies were fighting about. Probably because D-Bag #2 ate Zac’s California burrito. I would be pissed, too. Dem things is tasty!

0:18 - It seems like Headband Guy is challenging Zac to a 80′s dance dance-off. You better be careful, Zac! He’s got a blazer on with no shirt on underneath!

0:19 - WHOA! Zac takes a shot at D-Bag #2. He makes sure someone is standing between them when he does it, though. Smart move, Zac. Make sure that he can’t get to you clearly after you sucker punch him. +2 man points awarded to Zac for fighting like a chump. (I better be careful. He might come after me now that he has no backup football player scholarship to lose.)

0:25 - Headband Guy gets a couple shots thrown towards the direction of Zac. Girl Puncher comes in to save the day. Pow Pow Pow!

0:31 - Girl Puncher does what he does best: punches a girl. You’re all over the YouTubes now, dummy. I can’t wait until your name gets out. I’m sure he’ll tell everyone he was trying to punch the dude behind her even though he was completely out of reach. You aren’t Inspector Gadget, idiot. Nobody will believe that bull crap. You were mad that this chick was in your business and you clocked her. Nuff said.

0:31 - Headband Guy is appalled at what just happened. He is gonna have PTSD after what he just witnessed. D-Bag #2 gets his dukes up, of course.

0:33 – Thug Nasty McGangstalicious, straight outta Provo, decides to come in and sucker punch Headband Guy. He grabs his crotch and walks backwards out of the restaurant. This guy is basically brain dead from listening to Lil Wayne his whole life. So brain dead, in fact, that he thinks he’s a bad-A for sucker punching that dude. “Dats whats up! Dats whats up!”

That’s basically it for the first video. You see Headband Guy’s legs go flying through the air at one point, SPILLING THE JALAPENOS!! Blasphemy. Sacrilege. Disgrace. How could these young men desecrate such a sacred place as the Restaurant Formerly Known As Beto’s?!

Video #2

This fight doesn’t start in this video until the :25 mark, when Wrestler gets a two point takedown.

0:25 - Takedown awarded to the Wrestler. Zac proceeds to try to get out. He’s helpless. His future is slowly slipping through his fingers. There goes the scholarship. There goes football. There goes school at BYU (a good education). There goes your clean record. There goes your dignity. Rough day for Zac. But remember, he always will have his mirror that he can stare into…and kiss.

0:42 - Here come Joe! Sucker punch. Sucker punch. Pow bam kaplow! No mercy. Just going to town on the Wrestler, who is now pinned under Zac. Joe and Zac are the world’s cheapest fighters. 

0:48 - I bet these dudes were drunk (inside sources). Girl Puncher is running around throwing punches at anything and everything. “Hey look guys! Look! I can fight too! I’m a man too! Look! Joe! Hey, Joe! Look at me…. hey, Joe! Look at me punch….JOE! Look at me punch this guy. Man, I’m cool. (I wonder if Joe and Zac will like me if I punch another girl?)

0:55 - Zac lands two huge haymakers on the Wrestler, as the Wrestler’s back is to him, once again proving that Zac is a man. 

1:05 - The Wrestler just kind of stumbled across the floor. He probably got a concussion from Zac. No joke. He looks dazed. He kind of pulled a Rocky and held himself up on the table.

The fight ends there basically. Zac comes back in to the restaurant a little while later, probably looking for his phone so he can call his lawyer. And to make sure his mirror is waiting up for him when he gets home. He desperately needs some loving.

Bronco Mendenhall is trying to deny that it happened by not watching the video. Hey Coach, two of your players were in a fight where a girl got punched in the face! Maybe you should watch the video.

Having said that, there really isn’t anything he can do. I guess I just really want him to see how horrible of people those two players are. Horrible people because they take cheap shots while in fights. I’ll never knock a guy for fighting, but if you’re gonna do it, fight like a man.

The Conclusion

As we conclude this session of bashing, I would like to remind you that I do love BYU. I think it’s wonderful. Zoobies are annoying. BYU football fans are even more annoying. I’m annoying. But I still love the school. I’m glad those dummies got suspended. I’m even more glad that all this was caught on tape and that their douchiness can be exposed.

I award the fight to Team Edward. They might have gotten their butts royally kicked, but they were outnumbered and didn’t throw any cheap shots. Team Edward for life!

20 thoughts on ““Come At Me, Bro!” The BYU Football Player Fight Breakdown”

  1. As a BYU fan, I will say this is hilarious. We think these guys are idiots for doing this and actions like this have no place at BYU. The coach is not denying it happened though. It has obviously been dealt with. The two players involved are not even in the program since this happened.

  2. Glad I finally got a good analysis of what happened, and I love your description of everyone. On a side note I hope girl puncher gets what’s coming to him.

  3. HaHa that was no wrestling move that was pure JuiJitsu haha. I say me n AJ find girl punchers apartment and get some backwoods justice going…. Really sorry to see the girls get hit…but you gotta accept the liabilities that come with hanging out with tools.

  4. I believe that we are missing something HUGE! The hero. Who is the hero in this story!? I have the answer. WE watched the game footage over and over and there is only one person who comes out of this whole thing not looking like someone straight out of the Appalachian Mountains.

    Hero: Calm Black Guy USA No. 1 !

    His man-ness begins at 0:11 when he keeps Sucker Punch Guy from coming into the restaurant. You can see him in the background wearing all black like Johnny Cash and pushing that turdbag out the door.

    He proceeds to the walk straight into the lion’s den and tries to break up the raging eunuch party.

    He wrassles D-Bag #2 to the bathroom area, saving him from a wallop of wild overhand gorilla smashes.

    He realizes his chivalry could be far better used with HeadBandPinkShorts and gets to him to wrap his level-headed anaconda arms around him just as eunich-to-the-max decks that woman (who seems likes she is living out an internal fantasy right up until she is on the floor). He probably whispers scriptures into his ear until Cheap Shot Mcgee gives him a fist full of cowardice from behind.

    This is whats interesting: You can see that our hero gets hit as well from this cowardly Hail Mary. Does he explode? Lose his head? Nope. Takes it like a boss and ushers the coward out the door for the second time.

    Then watch him walk in like a cool collected Clint Eastwood at 0:55! Just going to restore order to this animal kingdom thats all!

    Now… pause it at 0:57 seconds. Is that Kanye West? WE DONT KNOW!

    Now from 0:57 til 1:13 you lose him (unless you watch the Youtube video that shows the other angle). What he does is more of the same. Corralling weinerless boys and trying to make peace.

    When he re-enters at 1:13 you can see he is obviously fed up. The spirit of this hero will not always strive with the weinerless children.

    So I say.. HATS OFF TO OUR HERO!

    If anyone knows his name, who he is, where he works, I would like to go shake his hand. He is a real man.

  5. The hero is none other than Jordan Johnson. He was suspended for the Idaho game. Don’t know why; he was the hero after all.

  6. How I missed this, I don’t know… Pure gold. And I love this breakdown immensely. However, one of the first things I noticed didn’t make the play by play. Did anyone else notice the other patrons at the booth with ‘POLICE’ on their jackets? They do nothing. Never tried to stop the fight or intervene in any way. Yes, I understand it was Halloween, but those jackets sure look legit.

    - Curious from Dallas

    1. You gotta go back and watch more closely. They were involved. None of them are actually police, obviously. But they dabble in the tussle here and there. You should go back and watch it once through and follow one person through the chaos and do that for every person. Its very easy to lose track of everyone.

Talk to me, loser.