Emily Maynard applies makeup to her daughter, Ricki on the Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Breakdown – Week 3

Is Doug too perfect?

Is Chris actually 25?

Can Jef with one F travel between countries without adult supervision?

These are just some of the intriguing questions that were asked this week on The Bachelorette.

In case you missed it, here is last week’s breakdown.

To the delight of all the guys, they finally ditched Charlotte for Bermuda to continue their “Journey.” ABC decided that Ricki must be on scene for a few precious shots of her and Emily playing on the beach. Here is an inevitable future conversation for her.

Therapist- “So Ricki, what went wrong?”

Ricki- “I think it all started when I was six years old.”

Therapist- “Oh, is that when your father died?”

Ricki- “No he died before I was born. That was when my mom decided to travel the world with 25 guys on a two month booty quest.”

Therapist- “…”

Ricki- “Let me explain doctor, I was pulled out of school for two months to travel the world with my mother.”

Therapist- “Well that actually sounds pretty great Rick..”

Ricki- “Let me finish doctor, I’m paying you to listen not talk.”

Therapist- “Well there is no reason to be rude Ricki.”

Ricki- “If you had seen the things I’ve seen you would be this way too. Anyways, so I was pulled out of school at six years old. Keep in mind that at this point all I could do was giggle and say a few words. I wasn’t even speaking in complete sentences.”

Therapist- “Wow”

Ricki- “Yeah. So these two months consisted of me hanging out in a hotel room all day every day, only to be pulled out for ten minutes at a time by a man with a beard who would take me to the beach with my mom. We would play for a few minutes while he yelled, “Happier! Look happier!!!”

Therapist- “Wow Ricki I had no idea..”

Ricki- “Doctor I saw things that no six year old should ever see. I once saw a guy with a v-neck so low that you could see his belly button.”

Therapist- “That is an image that no one should ever see. So what did you do the whole time in the hotel?”

Ricki- “I was babysat by a guy named Chris. He was really funny but he seemed lonely. He would always say stuff like, “Always the bridesmaid never the bride, right Ricki?” and then laugh really hard but tears would come out. He was always asking me about my mom and if she was into reality show hosts. It was really weird. Then he would leave for “work” but he would only be gone for like fifteen minutes. What kind of job is that?”

Therapist- “So your mom found true love during all of this didn’t she?”

Ricki- “You’ve never seen the show have you doctor?”

And now a look at those that left us this week…

NateNate got the opportunity of going on a 2 on 1 date with John the wolf and Emily. The date was so awkward that I was positive that they were both getting kicked off. I think the 2 on 1 dates need more competition. Dinner in a cave isn’t fun enough. A fight to the death in a cave though, that might have been more interesting. Either way, Nate is gone and I don’t have to come up with interesting things to say about such an uninteresting person.

Charlie– Charlie lost it after losing the boat race. By the way, how great was it to see the guys reaction when they heard they were going sailing? “Sailing??? That’s perfect because we dress like sailors everyday! We have the perfect outfits for this.” Charlie seems like a nice dude though so I wish him well in his future dating life.

Michael– I’m gonna assume Michael’s send off with Emily went something like this:

“Hi Emily it’s nice to finally meet you. Thanks for the food, drinks, and place to stay. This has been the best three weeks of my life.”

“Oh and by the way, all these guys are tools. You could do better.”

And now our weekly performance grades…

Doug– Doug scored a one on one and seemed to impress Emily. She started to have concerns that he is too perfect though and seemed hesitant to give him a rose. I’ve never liked Doug but now I am starting to relate and I am sorta pullin for him. It’s not easy being too perfect Doug, I know the struggle. Hang in there buddy. A perfect A+ for Doug this week.

Alejandro– How is this guy still on the show? Does Emily seriously believe that this “mushroom farmer” from Colombia is her future husband? Give me a break. He does get a B though for finally talking to Emily.

Chris– First off, Chris is the oldest 25 year old I have ever seen. I refuse to believe that he is a year older than I am. He got called out by Doug and Ryan for being too young and didn’t like that at all. He awkwardly confronted Doug and then looked like a fool as he ripped into him. Chris did get some quality face time with Emily and you could just see on his face that he wanted to kiss her. I’m sure it would be at least five times more enjoyable than kissing his life-size Emily bobble head doll that he has in his room. B for Chris this week.

Egg Man– Egg man got a rose! I have no idea why but Egg Man is my dark horse pick to win. I do wish that he would get into more fights around the house though. Not a whole lot of drama from the Egg Man after crushing his egg last week. Egg Man gets a D for a very uneventful week.

Ryan– Have you noticed how when Ryan speaks he just strings together pick up lines to create sentences? Well Ryan decided to try to open up and go off his script of lines that he’s used all his life and started to sound like an idiot. Emily is starting to se through his fakeness and I don’t see him lasting long. I remembered that Ryan is a Pro Sports Trainer and decided that I need more info on that. I found this article that says that Ryan actually signed a contract with the Atlanta Falcons and was then sent to play in NFL Europe and eventually ended up in the Arena Football League. Here is a highlight video. I will be honest, I kinda like Ryan more now. It doesn’t matter though because this week he mentioned that he would like to be the next bachelor. You don’t just volunteer to be The Bachelor Ryan, you are called on. Lame move and I’m sure it will get him kicked off in the next couple weeks. D+

Sean– Sean mentioned this week that he played D1 college football and I couldn’t let that go. I had to find some more info on that. Looks like Sean was rated as a three star recruit by Rivals.com when he came out of high school in 2002. He was a 6’3″ 215 lb inside linebacker who ran a 4.6 forty time and was the 52nd ranked player at his position. He ended up going to Kansas State where it looks like he didn’t play very much. That is pretty cool though. Sean didn’t do much this week though so despite his athletic stats, he gets a C this week.

Jef– Jef with one F got some quality time with Emily and made it count. Somehow he remains on the show even though he looks and acts like a teenager. It is hilarious to me that Doug and Ryan argue with Chris about being too young when Chris looks like he’s 32 and Jef with one F could pass for 18. It looks like in the coming weeks Jef with one F gets some more time with Emily and possibly a playdate with Ricki. Jef with one F gets an A this week.

John– John went up against Nate in the 2 on 1 date and came out the victor. He didn’t do anything great but didn’t tear up when talking about how much he loves his friends. A+ for keeping it together and coming out of that cave a champion.

Arie– Arie had another solid week and after watching him make fun of Doug and how lame he is, has become my favorite in the house. It seems we have a four horse race right now between Arie, Chris, Ryan, and Doug and I am excited to see how this plays out. Arie gets an A.

Kalon– I don’t know why Kalon was barely on the show at all this week but I refuse to believe that he didn’t say anything stupid that would have deserved some air time. Producers need to start stealing things out of rooms and putting them in Kalon’s Louis Vuitton bags to try to mix things up. He is not gonna be here much longer and we would all really like to watch him get punched in the face before he goes. ABC, make it happen.

I’m so excited to find out next week who said that Ricki was “baggage.” My money is on one of the ABC producers who is realizing that we are tired of hearing about her every five seconds.

If you like the weekly breakdown, please leave comments and share with your friends.

10 thoughts on “Bachelorette Breakdown – Week 3”

  1. I made the mistake of reading this in the library, and now I look like a fool for laughing so hard.
    Question: which would you rather be called? Baggage or a Compromise? Ricki is going to therapy for sure.

  2. Hilarious again, well done. I don’t get pony tail boy. Why was he crying? I expected him to go up to Emily and being like, “so what’s your name again?” They must be spiking their drinks with estrogen, it’s the only logical conclusion.

  3. I laugh so hard after reading the weekly updates. I volunteer to be Ryan’s trophy wife so he can starve me and make me go to the gym with him everyday….team Ryan!

  4. No no the weirdest cry was Nate’s. I’ve been pulling for him to suddenly turn out cool and awesome because he’s fairly attractive in the right camera shots but seriously? Crying when you talk about your family and friends? She should have saved him the effort and given John the rose right there so Nate could just keep crying as he left.

  5. I have been so busy this week with recital and I have been saving your update as my reward! It was the perfect recital gift!! So funny!

    I really hate to dis a little kid but Ricki is the most uninteresting 6 year old I’ve ever seen. Maybe all the cute stuff she says is on the editing floor? She also must look like her father because she’s cute but she doesn’t resemble Emily much at all. I’m sure that Emily is a good mom but why does her time with Ricki seem so forced? She seems more like an aunt who is trying to prove to someone that she loves kids. I don’t know it’s just all kinda weird. Maybe Ricki is super camera shy. Yeah – let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s probably adorably precocious and petite when the camera’s not around.

    I’m sorry but Charlie did not come out of that balcony accident with everything intact. Why did they not make more out of his crying after losing the boat race? That seemed like ratings gold.

    I totally agree – Chris is too young but Jef is ok? There has to be come editing going on there.

    Emily has me so confused. She seems to really like so many of the guys. I though Nate was pretty cute… until he opened his mouth. Bad move. If only he couldn’t lurked in the shadows a little longer, he may have earned more frequent flier miles. Most awkward date ever! I thought for sure she would send them both packing.

    Sean’s my #1 pick. Please don’t turn out to be a weirdie!!

Talk to me, loser.