TWEEKED - Tweets of the Week for July 6th to July 13th, 2012 for losers.

TWEEKED – Best Tweets of the Week for July 6-13

What do Katy Perry, Adrian Peterson, and Whitesnake have in common? Find out in our latest edition of TWEEKED – Best Tweets of the Week!

Best Tweets of the Week for July 6-13, 2012

Today is National Kissing Day, or as they call it in West Virginia; Siblings Day.
@NotBillWalton
Not Bill Walton

 

According to this drain, all of Whitesnake has secretly been using my shower.

I didn’t know snakes had hair. Is this love that I’m feeling?

Sad that we'll never know what kind of Call Me Maybe parody John Lennon would have written.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

 

Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere now they are just weird.
@JimGaffigan
Jim Gaffigan

 

Chumbawamba broke up today, so make sure to pour out a whiskey drink tonight. Or a vodka drink. Or a cider drink.
@TylerHuckabee
Tyler Huckabee

If you haven’t read this tribute to Chumbawamba yet, you need to.

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a baby girl. She has only been alive an hour & Kris Jenner already sold her first boo boo pictures to TMZ.
@RealSkipSayless
Skip Sayless

 

Looking forward to reporting to training camp on July 26th. Hard work and Dedication.
@AdrianPeterson
Adrian Peterson

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s last tweet before this happened:

people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.
@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

 

In case anyone's looking for a husband, I heard Tom Cruise is hiring.
@birbigs
Mike Birbiglia

Check out the best TomKat divorce tweets. Don’t worry, the Scientologists aren’t watching you.

 

So cool how I never have to say I want 47 broccoli and two pieces of beef when I order Chinese food. They just know.
@Travon
Travon Free

 

It's so racist how they always call Venus and Serena "sisters."
@andrewhibbard
Andrew Hibbard

 

Even when Tom Cruise plays a guy paralyzed from the chest down, he has two sprinting scenes.
@thesulk
Alec Sulkin

 

 

Why does the guy on Man vs. Food wear such a giant watch? "Oh shoot, it's half past I'm disgusting."
@maxsilvestri
Max Silvestri

 

Hey ladies, we're here to steal your boyfriends. Sincerely, Modern Warfare 3.
@autocorrects
Funny Tweets

 

Asked for a ticket for Magic Mike because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was really going to see the Katy Perry movie.
@TheNardvark
Bryan Donaldson

I told myself I would only see Magic Mike if it was in 4-D. I want to be able to smell Channing.

So, I just cry on camera and my village gets a new school?
@skepticaIkid
Third World Kid

 

"Shakespeare sucks" - 16th century hipster
@michaelianblack
Michael Ian Black

 

Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "The The Angels Angels"?
@neiltyson
Neil deGrasse Tyson

 

I am going to 'The Annual Sarcasm Convention' tomorrow.......What an inventive name.

 

I'm not busy if you want to go get some lunch or married.
@TheClingyGF
Crazy Girlfriend

 

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.
@DamienFahey
Damien Fahey

Are gold plated tanks deductible if you use them to drive to work? Make em say uggghhh!

 

just got told I look like I "just got off the beach" which is probably a nicer way to say rehab
@coreyafclark
c0reY aNN cLaRk

 

If Mitt Romney had Morgan Freeman's voice he'd be unbeatable.
@AlbertBrooks
Albert Brooks

 

Eating a beefburger, drinking a milkshake and wearing a leather jacket. A cow just saw me and fell to the floor in tears
@WeirdHorse
Weird Horse

 

I would send my kid there if he wanted to go he wasn't rappin football players that's a great program that joe pa ran
@roddywhiteTV
Roddy White

Joe Pa teaching anyone to rap would also be a tragedy.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz

 

Kourtney Kardashian Gives Birth To Four-Hour E! Special
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

 

When people say, "I eat to live, I don't live to eat" I wish they would stop doing both.
@amyschumer
Amy Schumer

 

This whole Tosh situation reminds me of the night the family of watermelons saw a Gallagher show.
@paulscheer
Paul Scheer

 

In black culture "boo" means boyfriend or girlfriend, so congrats to Mitt Romney!
@jasonmustian
Jason Mustian

Ghost Town DJ’s figured this out a long time ago, people.

Ghost Town DJ's – My Boo

When I become president I'm locking the inventor of the McGriddle in a room until he comes up with ten more delicious ideas.
@BMcCarthy32
Brandon McCarthy

 

Ray Allen to the Miami Heat? It's official, using Miami in 2K13 will be like using a cheat code.
@itsWillyFerrell
Not Will Ferrell

 

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny Johnson

 

golden rule is hard, is there a silver rule
@bjnovak
B.J. Novak

 

Chumbawamba have broken up. This is a sad day for, um, well... the members of Chumbawamba.
@DeepFriedMan
Deep Fried Man

 

See if those kids that were rioting after Joe Pa was fired want a mulligan? #PSU
@SeanBrace975
Sean Brace

The Joe Pa statue makes Penn State look like a loser in our tweets of the week.

 

So you have to eat all your BROCCOLI, because of me ?!!
@skepticaIkid
Third World Kid

 

I can hardly imagine how hot 90s Fran Drescher was to deaf dudes
@EliBraden
Eli Braden

 

Every season of Breaking Bad should end with the sound of a microphone being dropped.
@ixSEANxi
Sean Gabay

 

Maybe Kurt Cobain killed himself because he knew he was going to eventually write a Christmas album.
@kylekinane
Kyle Kinane

 

Just so we’re clear, mango is dead to me.

Talk to me, loser.