After sixteen seasons of The Bachelor, you might think ABC could have some trouble finding 25 bachelorettes so starved for attention that they are willing to go on TV to be judged and mocked by people like me. Well you would be wrong, because they got 26 for this season. That’s right…Sean Lowe meets the Bachelorettes!

And boy, are these Bachelorettes DESPERATE. After being introduced to all the girls in the first episode I came to two conclusions:

1) Sean is not marrying any of these women.

2) This will be an extremely entertaining season.

I can tell this is from the reactions of my wife and sisters when the girls are introduced. In seasons past, I would hear things like, “Oh she seems nice” or “She is pretty normal” for about half of the girls.

Last night, I think I heard it twice.

Usually, when 12 of the girls are deemed “normal” from their first introduction, only about 3 or 4 actually live up to that judgement. That’s about 30%. This means if two girls were only deemed “normal” at the onset there is a great chance that we don’t even have one non-crazy girl on the show. Prepare to be be very excited.

We already know about Sean, so let’s take some time getting to know the ladies that will be in his life for the next couple months (Let me repeat myself, Sean is not going to marry any of these women).

We don’t know a lot about them yet so it would be incredibly shallow and unfair to go through and break them down just by their picture and online bio, so we will go strictly by their listed occupation (although picture and bio will probably be considered as well).

I don’t believe many of these girls actually work in the occupation that they have listed. How many people do you know that have interesting jobs? Chances are, not very many. Then how on earth do all the girls on The Bachelor seem to have cool jobs? I’m not saying all these girls are lying, but I think there is some embellishment with job titles for sure.

Let’s start with the girls that returned shamefully to their jobs only a few days after quitting.

Ashley H – Is a fashion model from North Carolina. Which means that she probably had a photo shoot for a local small business and has been living at home waiting for her next gig. There needs to be a law that in order to call yourself a “model” you need to be pulling in at least $42,979.61 every year (average US salary). Any less than this and you have to say you are unemployed but you have done some modeling work. Ashley is at best, a part-time model.

Ashley P – Claims she is a hair stylist from Michigan or Minnesota (whichever state abbreviates as MI. I don’t care to find out). Ok Ashley P, I believe you. In fact, I am quite sure that about 75% of all Bachelor contestants are probably hair stylists, but when it comes to putting down their occupation on the application they write something like “Follicular Management Specialist.” I’m a little bummed about Ashley P going home because she was crazy. Really would’ve like to see how that all played out. Let’s have a quick moment of silence for all the moments we won’t see this season because Ashley P is going home. Ok that’s good. I’m over it.

Kelly – Is a cruise ship entertainer, which I believe, but that doesn’t mean she is a superstar. If you’ve seen cruise ship entertainment you know it is extremely hit or miss. I once met a juggler on a cruise ship to Barbados and he was telling me about how he travels around on ships for most of the year performing every few nights. It sounded interesting so I went to watch his show that night. I felt like I was at a bad talent show. No chainsaws, knives, or anything more dangerous than bowling pins. I didn’t even have to pay to be on the cruise and I felt gipped by him. All of that is to say, I’m sure Kelly is a future superstar just waiting to be discovered.

Lacey – Is a graduate student from California who also goes by “Lace.” Apparently saying that her name is Lacey and she is a graduate student isn’t enough of a hint to us that she is probably a stripper. She has to go by the nickname Lace to make that perfectly clear. So a more accurate bio would read “Lace, a stripper from California that is currently taking night classes at the local community college.” Because stripping is the only way to pay for college.

Lauren – Is a journalist from Rhode Island. This means she did an internship with a local news station while she was in college. Next!

Paige – Is a Jumbotron Operator from New York. I refuse to believe that Paige is anything but a Jumbotron Operator. You gotta feel bad for Paige that she is going home. Just imagine how many proposals she is going to have to witness at sporting events. Always the Jumbotron Operator, never the bride. Am I right Paige?

Keriann – Is an entrepreneur. Entrepreneur always means “unemployed.” If you did have a legitimate business then you would list something like “Hot Dog Vendor” or “Jumbotron Operator.” You know, REAL jobs. Sorry Keriann, Sean isn’t Andrew Firestone. He needs a woman with a job.

Now here are all the Bachelorettes whose names we need to learn:

Amanda – Is a Fit Model from California. What exactly is a Fit Model? Is that the same as a fitness model? Is she using the British slang “fit” to mean hot/attractive. Is she trying to tell us she is a hot model? These are all questions that I stopped caring about immediately after I wrote them. Moving on…

AshLee F – Is a “Personal Organizer” from Texas. I put “Personal Organizer” in quotes because I have no idea what that even means. She wants you to think it means she takes clients and organizes every aspect of their lives, but what it probably means is she goes door-to-door and helps hoarders throw out stacks of old newspapers.

Brooke – Is a Community Organizer from Pennsylvania. What she really means to say is she is a…fine Brooke, I believe you. I hope she wins because of her honesty.

Catherine – Claims she is a Graphic Designer from Seattle, but that’s impossible because she’s not wearing a black turtleneck and I doubt she speaks German. Plus, we all know that means she designs memes from home. Memes like this one.

Daniella – For her occupation it says “Commercial Casting.” That’s not a position, that’s a thing. That’s like LeBron James putting down “Basketball” as his occupation. I don’t doubt that Daniella works in Commercial Casting, the question is what does she do? Do people read lines in front of her and shout “FIRE SALE!” If she’s also a never-nude then Daniella could see an early exit.

Desiree – Desiree is a “Bridal Stylist.” Every single girl already has 99% of her wedding planned on Pinterest (the remaining 1% is who the groom will be). Desiree has been watching woman after woman come through about to get married. Nothing is more frustrating for a single girl that wants to get married than watching other women doing it. I am hoping that all this frustration and anger leads to some irrational behavior over the next couple months. We shall see.

Diana – She is a salon owner but more importantly, she is a single mother of two. I am excited to see how this plays out this season. In Emily’s season, the men came in knowing that they would be dating a mother, but so far Diana hasn’t mentioned her two kids at home. Sean seemed ok with the idea of one child but will it be the same with two? I don’t know but I can’t wait to find out.

Jackie – Is a Cosmetics Consultant from Florida. I’m guessing by that she means she works at Nordstrom and gives out cosmetic samples. Nothing to be ashamed of, but I think consultant is a bit of a stretch. Wow I also just realized that in my own job I could technically call myself a Cosmetics Consultant also.

Kacie – We are all familiar with Kacie from past seasons. I thought ABC kinda pumped up her arrival a little too much. They were like “Dun Dun Dunnn… and we have one more surprise for you. A special guest is here who wants to meet you. Kacie!” When it should have been like, “Oh yeah by the way Kacie just like showed up. So that’s weird.” She lists “Administrative Assistant” on her bio. Don’t try and church it up Kacie, don’t you mean secretary?

Katie – Is a Yoga Instructor from Illinois. I’m sure she never posts photos of herself doing yoga on her Facebook page.

Lesley –  is a Political Consultant from Arkansas. Which seems pretty impressive until you remember that she’s from Arkansas. Also a strong chance Bill Clinton has already had her.

Leslie – Is a Poker Dealer from Florida. It is refreshing to see a woman that is not ashamed to admit that she deals cards for a living…in a casino…outside of Tampa…who’s not 57 years old.

Taryn – Every season has one girl that complains about the competition between the girls. They always talk about how they are not the type to compete for the attention of a man. I never understand why these women choose to go on the show. And on that note, let me introduce you to Taryn, a Health Club Manager from Portland.

Sarah – Is an Advertising Executive from Colorado. Maybe she works in the Papa Johns market department and convinced Peyton Manning it was a good idea to give away all of those free pizzas. That’s a great quality to look for in a wife – someone who gives away everything.

Robyn  – Is from Houston and is in the Allll Business (Oilfield Account Manager). And once I hear that I automatically think of this person.

Tierra – Is a Leasing Consultant from Vegas. Sean – for whatever reason – felt that she deserved a rose shortly after introducing themselves. As you can imagine, this went over great with all the other girls that had spent the last three months picturing the same thing happening to them.

Selma – Is a Real Estate Developer and she reminds me of this person (It’s not my fault all of these people have similarities to Simpsons characters).

Kristy – And we have our model! Ever since Courtney was on a couple seasons ago, I’m sure ABC products have been saying to themselves, “Let’s do that again!!!” I can only hope that Kristy is half as manipulative/crazy as Courtney.

Lindsay – No joke. I came to Lindsay’s picture and I thought “Who is this? Why don’t I remember her? She looks pretty normal.” And then I remembered. Oh yeah that is the crazy girl in the wedding dress. Lindsay is a fun-loving goofball who just likes to joke around by wearing a wedding dress to meet a man for the first time. It definitely helped her to get noticed but I’m sure once she walked in that house to see all the other girls she was thinking this:

So excited to get this season started. It’s gonna be a good one.

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