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TWEEKED! The Best 2012 Presidential Election Tweets

Posted on November 8, 2012 by dirty:: south

The Presidential Elections are over, and whether you agree with the outcome or not, one thing is for sure – everyone’s moving to Canada.

Ok, maybe not EVERYONE – just the people who really really hate Obama. And honestly, it’s just a very small percentage of the people who hate Obama. And even then it’s really mostly empty threats. So I guess what I’m really saying is no one is moving to Canada.

So what’s wrong with Canada, eh? (Get it…because that’s what they say there). It’s clean, they love syrup, their money is super colorful, and… … …you get the point. CANADA IS AH-MAH-ZING!

Of course, you know the thousands hundreds seven potheads who voted for Romney were already packing up their flannel shirt collection once they heard the news. And really it’s mostly because they think the Canadian flag looks like a giant marijuana leaf. But even they flaked out and either moved to Colorado or just stayed in Washington. (oh come on, just visit Western Washington University’s campus for 5 minutes and you’ll be like “oh…ok”).

But weed smokers weren’t the only “winners” on Election Day. This also marks the only time every four years that anyone cares about the state of Ohio. Now, Ohio don’t get jealous and say something stupid like “Oh yeah, what about Florida!” because everyone knows better. Florida has Disney World, great decent sports teams, Miami Vice, and tons of diversity (aka old people and Cubans). And last time I checked Lebron was playing for the Heat and not the Cavs. Yep…went there.

Mitt Romney put up a valiant fight and should be remembered for many things beyond the ridiculous – yet equally awesome – “binders full of women” comment during their town hall debate.

Romney, if anything, cast an intriguing spotlight onto Mormon culture and a religion that many people still knew nothing about [ insert outdated polygamy joke here ]. And yep, looking directly at you, Whoopi Goldberg.

And let’s not forget one of the best Romney moments of the entire campaign, and it wasn’t even by Mitt. I end with Josh Romney reminding us why he would have NEVER needed a Secret Service agent.

And here is a collection of the best 2012 Presidential Election tweets. We’ll see you in four years Ohio. Never change.

Everyone's excitedly watching TV news at 7 PM. We are all 82 years old.
@jasonWSJ
Jason Gay

 

"If Obama gets reelected, I'm moving to Canada." Uhm, awks since he's already President and you're still here.
@craig_jaffe
Craig Jaffe

 

Ohio is the Winter Olympics of states - we sort of care about you every 4 years.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

 

On your ballot, enter OBAMA-OBAMA-ROMNEY-ROMNEY-DOWN-DOWN-PAUL RYAN-START-SELECT to vote for the secret Will Smith / DJ Jazzy Jeff ticket.
@caldy
H. Caldwell Tanner

 

The votes from Montana are in. The three people who live there finally finished fighting off the bear who was guarding the ballots.
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

 

Hacksaw Jim Duggan should be able to vote three times. #USA #USA #USA
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

 

Just found out those "I Voted!" stickers cost the taxpayer $300 million dollars a year.
@dwangelo
David Angelo

 

I feel so bad for everyone in Ohio having to deal with all the political ads. As if it's not bad enough that they live in Ohio.
@aguywithnolife
Elijah Daniel

 

Election Night is Christmas season for catheter ads.
@pattonoswalt
Patton Oswalt

 

To everyone that says they are moving to Canada if Obama wins, why not Jamaica? It's much warmer...
@Dylan_Reeves
Dylan Reeves

 

I wonder if all these old ladies ever thought they'd be working the polls like this. #vote
@ericstonestreet
Eric Stonestreet

 

I'm moving to Canada no matter who wins. It just seems nice.
@anndypandy
Andres G Otero

 

What if Obama comes out for his acceptance speech and is like: I actually was born in Kenya.
@joshuatopolsky
Joshua Topolsky

 

i will bring the red states and blue states 2gether 2 make purple

 

SyFy Channel is reporting a 57% turnout of ice basilisks for Romney.
@pattonoswalt
Patton Oswalt

 

It's really cute that Wyoming has three electoral votes : D
@VanityFair
VANITY FAIR

 

good luck today Florida! try not to pull a "Florida"
@danieltosh
daniel tosh

 

I thought I was standing in line for Halo 4 but it was just this lame game where you fill out a scantron. Decent graphics, no multiplayer.
@Jordan_Morris
Jordan_Morris

 

No republican candidate has ever won without Ohio. Ironically, no professional athlete has ever won with Ohio.
@NotMarvAlbert
Marv Albert

 

Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.
@MensHumor
Men's Humor

 

The only remaining path for Romney now includes winning Narnia and Xanadu.
@pourmecoffee
pourmecoffee

 

romney really cleaning up in the states that dont have the internet
@giventofly41
j-a-m-e-s

 

Whew, so relieved that Fox News is now blaming blacks, Latinos and women instead of me for a Romney loss. #Vote
@GovChristieNJ
Gov. Chris Christie

 

Regardless of who you're voting for today, do the right thing & write me in for Michigan Drain Commissioner. The madness must stop.
@ConanOBrien
Conan O'Brien

 

In Massachusetts I got to vote in favor of suicide and marijuana. The ballot was like the track list of a Black Sabbath album.
@joshgondelman
Josh Gondelman

 

As soon as Romney won Utah a single tear ran down Karl Malone’s cheek.
@ixSEANxi
Sean Gabay

 

THE RESULTS ARE IN IN OHIO: my step-cousin Jaden is OFFICIALLY the new day-shift manager of the Hardee's on Coleman Road. #CongratsBro #Ohio
@trumpetcake
Ted Travelstead

 

I would not want to be Paul Ryan's abs right now.
@sethmeyers21
Seth Meyers

 

If Romney wins I am moving America to Canada.
@David_Feldman_
David Feldman

 

My cab driver told me Romney won. Can I trust this?
@KrisHumphries
Kris Humphries

 

If Canada wins the election tomorrow, I'm moving to Mitt Romney's house.
@TheOtherNiraj
Niraj Shah

 

The coolest scenario: Romney wins popular vote Obama wins electoral. Gore and Romney become best friends.
@AlbertBrooks
Albert Brooks

 

BREAKING: Apple Maps projecting Barack Obama to win Brazil.
@FauxJohnMadden
Faux John Madden

 

People of Florida, stay in line. You can go to that cheesy dance club later.
@birbigs
Mike Birbiglia

 

If I bought stock in tiny American flags last week and sold right now, I would be a millionaire.
@rejectedjokes
Ben Schwartz

 

Congratulations to Barack Obama on becoming the first and second black president of the United States.
@kylekinane
Kyle Kinane

 

I won the same amount of Ohio's as Mitt Romney and didn't spend a penny.
@kevingchristy
Kevin Christy

 

I feel bad for Paul Ryan's soloflex tomorrow.
@kevingchristy
Kevin Christy

 

I assume Obama supporters will be partying all night since they don't have a job to be at tomorrow morning.
@Danny_Tosh
Daniel Tosh

 

Colorado voted to legalize marijuana, because apparently being a mile high already just isn't quite high enough. #election2012
@nascarcasm
nascarcasm

 

There haven't been this many cameras in Ohio since LeBron announced he was signing with the Heat #Election2012 #22usavotes
@CochraneCBCNL
David Cochrane

 

I never got an offer to the electoral college, how good is their football team?
@JadeveonClowny
Jadeveon Clowny

 

This election must be super weird for Bloods and Crips who can't read.
@samir
Samir Mezrahi

 

For those saying "if Obama wins I'm going to Australia" our PM is a single atheist woman & we have universal health care & mandatory voting.

 

Think that each state's choice should be announced by Roger Goodell with the winner hugging him and putting on the state cap...
@adbrandt
Andrew Brandt

 

Weirdest part of Romney's concession speech was when he said, "And as for tomorrow ... I dunno, maybe go see Here Comes The Boom?"
@jenstatsky
Jen Statsky

 

We're now at the part of the election that feels like watching a really long pregnancy test.
@MikeDrucker
Mike Drucker

 

If Romney won, he said he would donate his salary to charity. Since Obama won, he will donate yours. #RomneyRyan2012

 

When do we get the "Women of the Electoral College Calendar"?
@PaulPabst
Paul Pabst

 

Linda McMahon lost but theyre already giving her a rematch at Wrestle Mania next year. #Election2012
@Travon
Travon Free

 

All kidding aside, I hope everybody votes a bunch of times today.
@michaelianblack
Michael Ian Black

 

Kinda disturbing not one black person in an Obama shirt or doing cart wheels on my walk to work today. It's like they don't even care!!
@Travon
Travon Free

 

I guess Paul Ryan has to try and get his job back at Hollister now?
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

 

I'm so happy they've re-elected mayor Goldie Wilson!
@simonpegg
Simon Pegg

 

Don't call it a comeback he's been here 4 years. http://t.co/OKWeNHfP
@llcoolj
LL COOL J

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