I think most men know and understand the struggle of finding a good Halloween costume. If any of you guys have honestly thought about buying a “sexy” costume and haven’t asked the question: “Do I really like myself?” then please read on.
Unfortunately for many women, Halloween usually means one thing – and one thing only – take something that’s normal and innocent and make it as skanky as possible. In fact, if you’re a female and haven’t hopped on that train then it’s about to leave the station. There probably won’t be anything left at the costume store. Nowadays you can take anything and “sexify” it. I mean, we’ve all seen “Trampy School Teacher”, “Hooker Nurse” or “Stripper Librarian” enough times to know that’s not just a fad.
So, men of the world, I beg you not to go down the same path as the women. But, judging by some of the costumes I fear it’s too late.
Nevertheless, if you’re going down that road here’s a few ideas to get you started:
Male goths everywhere rejoiced when those Twilight books came out. “We’re not freaks!” they hissed, because they knew 30-40 year old married chicks everywhere would think vampires are hot…and romantic…and WOW THEY CAN SAVE ME FROM ONCOMING CARS!!!!…and YEEEAAAAH RACING!
I know fellas, it’s hard to compete with the undead sometimes, so why not at least try and be one for a day? (Well, maybe for a night, because you know…sparkling skin.) The vampire costume has long been one of the popular choices for Halloween, so bump it up a notch and show your little spider monkey how a woman really should be treated.
Start your Halloween date off with some withered roses and a love note written in goat’s blood. You could hit Macy’s for a white face makeover, and then off to Hot Topic to buy her a new spiked wristband. For dinner you could probably suck off a good pint from her neck, but she may not want to become a vampire too. In that case I hear Olive Garden is good, but expect a wait.
Captain Friendly Skies
Have to fly on Halloween? Wear this little number through security and your guaranteed to be asked for a pat-down. On most plane rides, the only thing you ever hear from the pilot is what elevation you’re flying at, or to “look out the window” when he sees something interesting. What if you could talk to the ladies over the intercom during the flight? Wouldn’t you try to upgrade the hot girl sitting in coach to a first class seat?
Captain: “We’re flying at 37,000 feet and should reach our final destination a few minutes early, so enjoy the flight everybody. And if that saucy little vixen in 44-B would like to move up to 2-B in first class she’s more than welcome.”
Hot Chick: “Ummm…okay, can my boyfriend come too? He’s in 44-C?”
Captain: “Oh, so sorry baby. There’s only room for one on this flight……to paradise.”
Hot Chick: “I thought we were landing in Cleveland.”
Captain [frustrated]: “Yeah…we are. But it’s just…a layover. Look, do you want the seat? I’ll buy you a Sprite.”
Hot Chick: “Those are free.”
Captain: “Can I interest you in some peanuts?”
Hot Chick: “Also free.”
Captain: “Ok playing hard to get, I see. Why don’t you reach down and open up that Skymall magazine then…and take your pick. Just keep it under $50.00, please.”
Hot Chick: “Oh wow, so you mean I can get the personalized money clip or the Bieber/Gaga singing brushes!!! I’ll pass, thanks.”
Captain: “Buh bye.”
For those of you who don’t know what a LARPer is just imagine a 33-year old single guy who lives with his parents. Ok, now imagine that guy wearing a medieval costume and carrying a fake sword, or perhaps a mace. Then, imagine that guy meeting 80 of his friends at the local park – all of them dressed up in royal garb as well. And then close your eyes and picture a Dungeons and Dragons game board. And then open your eyes again and watch that 33-year old guy…with his friends…in the park…acting out whatever you pictured in your mind when you thought about the Dungeons and Dragons game.
Did it look like this?
Ok, now I’m going to ask you to imagine one – just ONE – of these dudes getting a date for their Halloween party.
Yeah, I couldn’t either.
Hot Waldo is the perfect costume for when you’re stuck playing wingman to your buddy and you have to go with her less-than-hot friend. You can easily blend into the rest of the party and she’ll spend the entire evening trying to find you. Of course, this is assuming there are at least 30,000 people at the party.
“Ummm, has anyone seen my date? Long sleeve shirt…Blue jeans…glasses. Anyone?”
Genie in a Bottle
Yeah, I’ve seen Aladdin too, and if I could get with a cartoon chick as hot as Jasmine I might recommend this costume over all the others. But remember peeps – GENIES NEVER GET THE GIRL! They always have to take a back seat to their best friend and watch while HE takes all the ladies to a whole new world on a magic carpet ride. By wearing the Genie costume, you have automatically labeled yourself as “no confidence guy,” or the guy that’s always FRIENDZONED by all the girls he meets. Being a genie is a life of service…to your hotter friends.
If you go as the Genie you are guaranteed nothing better than the following:
1. A permanent seat by the coat rack or the punch bowl.
2. Four to five fake phone numbers.
3. Ending up with the girl dressed as Waldo.
“Burning Love” Patient
I know. I know. As if we need to make hospitals sexier than they already are. I bet this costume has a temperature of around 103 degrees it’s so hot. Oh, and I bet whomever wears it also has an irresistibly deep voice, like the type of voice you would have if you had major congestion in your lungs or an inflamed throat.
And, oh look…he’s totally crying. Ohhhh, I bet he’s super sensitive too. Oh wait, no…he’s getting a very painful shot. Oooo, why don’t you take a peek at the back of that hospital gown, because you just might get a little surprise…ewww, ok that’s a colostomy bag.
And now he just threw up.
Hahahaha – there is no way this guy is straight. You might as well join the Village People if this is your costume. Next.
Ok, clever costume, but unless you meet a hot girl dressed like a debit card then you’re probably not going to have much game wearing this. But, there’s always a Plan B. You could show up at the party, wait for everyone to get really wasted, and then stand by the doorway and actually act like you’re an ATM machine. If you’re not going with a date then you might as well steal a few pin numbers, right? This costume is also perfect for married men or parents of teenagers since that’s pretty much what they are in real life already.
Bathrobe Guy aka “Playboy”
Don’t be this guy. Ok true: he does get to hang out in his robe all day like Hugh Hefner, and his house is fully paid for, but that’s because he doesn’t have a job and it’s his parents’ house. Sure, he hangs out by the pool all afternoon, but it’s the community pool and the only other people there are mothers with their kids. To say this dude is borderline creeper would be an understatement.
You’ve got to like the odds in Smurf Village if you’re female since the guy smurfs outnumber you like 245 to 1. So how do you compete with those odds if you’re a male smurf? Easy, try this costume on for size and that special Smurfette will come running.
Who else is she going to smurf up with? Clumsy? Too stupid. Brainy? He’ll probably have bank but he’s too egotistical and bossy. Miner Smurf? Yeah right. He could die any day from the black lung. Painter Smurf? Maybe…if he didn’t like dudes. You’re only competition’s going to be Hefty (for his muscles) and Papa Smurf (she might be a golddigger).
So to all the wannabe “sexy” men of Halloween – you’re welcome.