The best Lance Armstrong tweets about him losing his 7 Tour de France titles.

TWEEKED! Best Lance Armstrong Tweets

Put away your LIVESTRONG bracelets (if you already haven’t) because Lance Armstrong is no longer a Tour de France champion. He was stripped of his seven titles, Olympic medal and banned for life from the sport by the USADA because he allegedly used performance-enhancing substances. Oh, and did I mention that he also never failed a drug test?

The biggest question is “Did he really use PEDs?” and the short answer is “OF COURSE!” You can’t be the only guy that’s clean in one of the dirtiest sports in the world.

So then I guess the second most important question is “Are they giving the vacated Tour de France titles to someone else?” Because chances are that person was doping too. And the third place guy, and the fourth place guy, and … you get the point.

Lance chose not to fight the allegations because he’s guilty tired of the “witch hunts” and “false accusations and evidence.” You know who doesn’t make those excuses? innocent people.

None of this make sense to us either, which is why we have TWEEKED! The best Lance Armstrong tweets of the week!

Thank goodness we still have the music of Lance Armstrong. What a Wonderful World.
@BradPaisley
Brad Paisley

 

I knew Lance didn't have the ball to fight those allegations.
@thesulk
Alec Sulkin

 

Poor Lance Armstrong. Now who will middle-class men look up to when they're going through a mid-life crisis?
@adamliaw
Adam Liaw

 

That awkward moment when "not five, not six not seven" refers to Lance Armstrong and not LeBron James.
@NotBillWalton
Not Bill Walton

 

To put the Lance Armstrong thing in perspective, losing 7 titles in competitive bicycling is like losing 14 titles in competitive unicycling
@ditzkoff
Dave Itzkoff

 

If the US Anti-Doping Agency strips Lance Armstrong of his 7 titles I'll strongly continue to not watch or support the Tour de France ever.
@danecook
Dane Cook

 

The US Doping Agency is really breaking Lance Armstrong's ball
@ShtBallCoachsDo
ShitBallCoachesDo

 

Lance Armstrong with 500+ clean tests but banned on hearsay. If baseball adopted this policy, they'd have six players left.
@mickshaffer
Mick Shaffer

 

Instead of banning Lance Armstrong from cycling for life, how about just making him put tassels on his handlebars from now on?
@AaronFullerton
Aaron Fullerton

 

All those Lance Armstrong bracelets? Plasticized steroids mixed with tears.
@johnmoe
John Moe

 

Lance Armstrong's engagement to Sheryl Crow to be scrubbed from the record books.
@mileskahn
mileskahn

 

With a last name like Armstrong, there is a lot to live up to. I get it, Lance. I get it.
@StevenAmiri
Steven Amiri

 

I hope Penn State doesn't have a Lance Armstrong statue.
@PeytonsHead
Peyton's Head

 

Anyone who has a problem with Lance Armstrong hasn't ridden over the Williamsburg bridge on Adderall.
@agentmule
trace crutchfield

 

Feel the same way about Lance Armstrong as I do Barry Bonds. If your sport is using and you still dominated? Greatness.
@tomhaberstroh
Tom Haberstroh

 

Is anyone really surprised Lance Armstrong was doping? Three of the times he won the Tour de France he was on a Huffy.
@mattnedostup
Matt Nedostup

 

Lance Armstrong to be stripped of seven yellow jerseys. What a break for those guys who finished second who were also doping. #armstrong
@Sid_Seixeiro
Sid Seixeiro

 

Lance Armstrong will be given a 3-year bowl ban, lose 10 scholarships and also be put on probation.
@KegsnEggs
Adam Kramer

 

Congrats on your LIVESTRONG bracelet making you look stupid for a second reason.
@jasonmustian
Jason Mustian

 

I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don't even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
@michaelianblack
Michael Ian Black

 

Thinking of taking up cycling... Just found out I've won as many Tour De France's as Lance Armstrong.
@ShannonBoourns
Shannon Byrnes

 

I'm going to be really disappointed if I find out Lance Armstrong has two balls.
@rationalists
CJ Werleman

 

They may be able to take away Lance Armstrong's titles, but they'll never be able to take away my ambivalence about it.
@yoyoha
Josh Hara

 

. @ yeah we’re going to need that other testicle
@ixSEANxi
Sean Gabay

 

Lance Armstrong? Haven't seen this much fuss over a bicycle since Pee Wee Herman's got stolen.
@JimmieTramel
Jimmie Tramel

 

Bad news: Lance Armstrong will be banned from cycling forever. Good news: that doesn't include spin class!!
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

 

BREAKING: Lance Armstrong has tested positive for three banned substances in France. Soap, deodorant and tooth paste.

 

Man does Lance Armstrong hope that Tim Tebow completes three straight 5-yard curls today to take the media glare off him.
@PaulPabst
Paul Pabst

 

Lance Armstrong serves as a strong reminder that all people who ride bikes are awful people.
@RexHuppke
Rex Huppke

 

.@ hey so can I have your bike
@ChaseMit
Chase Mitchell

 

In 2004 Lance Armstrong didn't win the Tour de France, USC didn't win the title and Joe Paterno didn't coach Penn State. Got it.
@BobbyBigWheel
Bobby Big Wheel

 

Lance Armstrong's famuly is really upset, so upset, that his brother, Stretch split open and spilled a bunch of inedible goo everywhere.
@kdubcomedy
Kevin Woolery

 

Lance Armstrong uses performance-enhancing drugs & loses his Trophies but Chris Brown uses auto-tune & keeps his Grammy.
@JohnFugelsang
John Fugelsang

 

At least Lance Armstrong has the shirtless shoulder of Matt McConaughey to cry on.
@jasonmustian
Jason Mustian

 

Lance Armstrong is banned from cycling for life. If you see him on a bike, please knock him off and then shout, "NO!" right in his face.
@johnmoe
John Moe

 

What about all those Tour de France races where Lance Armstrong beat Penn State?
@KenJennings
Ken Jennings

 

By far, Lance Armstrong's darkest legacy will be that he convinced millions of men it was okay to wear bike shorts.
@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz

 

Wonder how long it will take @ to update his twitter bio...

 

I was just stripped of my 3rd grade perfect attendance title. #livestrong
@ChrisFranjola
Chris Franjola

 

Three words, Lance Armstrong: Better. Call. Saul.
@nateerickson
Nately Erickson

 

Wow..so Lance Armstrong is the Milli Vanilli of cycling.
@Savan_Kotecha
Savan Kotecha

 

So sad that Lance Armstrong's been banned from cycling. But at least he's now eligible for the Chinese women's swimming team.
@Joe_Hildebrand
Joe Hildebrand

2 thoughts on “TWEEKED! Best Lance Armstrong Tweets”

  1. FIRST!!! Excellent collection! The best were the ones making fun of people who wear the livestrong bracelets. Cancer survivors are so annoying!

  2. Yeah pretty funny. He hasn’t been stripped of his tour de France titles….yet. Just cuz the usada banned him doesn’t mean he r those

Talk to me, loser.