How to Survive the DMV

A step-by-step guide and helpful tips on how to survive the DMV – the Department of Motor Vehicles (aka hell).

There are a few places all people universally hate going to:

1. The dentist
2. Math class (unless you’re Asian)
3. That one Uncle/Aunt’s house that was super boring. You know that house – everything is in order, no video games, and a terrible movie selection like. Butter Cream Gang, On Our Own, and Homeward Bound. (If you just read that and said to yourself, “I never did that,” then bad news…it was your house.)

However, the worst place of them all is the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Here is why the DMV is terrible:

Reason 1: the DMV is slow.

Might as well bring a book because you’re going to be there a while.

Bring a book to the DMV because they're slow, losers.

Competition always improves efficiency, and well…they are the only place in town you can go. These workers should get paid by how many people they help, and not by the hour, or even worse salary.

Reason 2: Can we get a TV!!!

Is it too much to want to watch some ESPN while we wait? Sweet Moses, we are paying 30% of the money to taxes and we can’t get a TV in there! At least when you go to any doctor’s office they have books and magazines. Les Schwab has popcorn. All the DMV has are crappy motor vehicle safety pamphlets.

Reason 3: Leave common sense at the door.

There actually should be a sign that says this on the door. One reason for the DMV’s slow pace is the all*star cast of people that show up. Today, I watched a guy take 10 minutes on the eye test: “Is the light inside or outside the box?”

This isn’t organic chemistry. As a spectator this will drive you mad; and I thought Wrigley field was full of losers for the past 100 years. I now know what it feels like to be a Cubs fan.

(FYI, the Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series for like 100 years, and Steve Bartman hasn’t helped their cause)

Fortunately, all of these inefficiencies haven’t left a sore taste in my mouth. The travesties of the DMV have not kept me from having fun while I’m there. I have invented my own fun.

Helpful tips on how to survive the DMV

Tip 1: “Take the Number” Game

Bring a large group with you (about 12-15 works best). As you all enter, have each member of the group take a ticket. Have everyone find a chair in perfect view of the “Take a Number” machine, and then wait for the next poor soul who comes into the DMV. The look on their face when they see the number on their own ticket – and the number that the DMV is “now serving” – is priceless. You’d be surprised at the amount of people that talk to themselves. I suggest that you don’t play this game with children nearby, they may pick-up a few new vocabulary words.

Careful the games you play at the DMV.

Tip 2: “Don’t I know you” Game

As people fill empty seats around you, make eye contact with a random person and say, “Hey, don’t I know you!” Watch the fun begin. You really have to be on your toes because you never know where this game will take you. It’s like a choose your own adventure book.

Tip 3: Never go to the DMV on a Tuesday or Saturday morning – the place is packed.

Tip 4: Early in the morning Wednesday-Friday is the best.

If you go after 2:00 pm the DMV is busy until closing.

Tip 5: Call the DMV if you have questions.

You don’t need to sit around for an hour to ask them, also check the internet.

Tip 6: Paperwork

I have seen too many people leave the DMV angry because they didn’t bring in the proper paperwork. Come ready, and know what you’ll need.

Tip 7: Be nice to the DMV workers.

I am sure they remember the mean people.

3 thoughts on “How to Survive the DMV”

  1. This post was going really well until u started talking about popcorn at the devils place… Hahaha that sounds like fun tho!

  2. Last time I got my license renewed, I took the eye test… and FAILED. Apparentyl when I took the test for the first time back when I was 18 or 19, they failed to record that I was blind in one eye. So this time, when I went up and they asked me if the light was inside or outside the box, instead of giving them the standard “inside” or “outside” response, I gave them a puzzled “what box?” Guess who had to take the driving test over at age 32? I’m up for renewal this year… let’s see how the DMV records are this year. Hello, Losers!!!

  3. Tip #8 Take your kids with you and pinch one or two of them before you talk to the information desk lady. They almost always give me a fast pass in hopes of getting my screaming bunch out of there faster.

    Your welcome.

Talk to me, loser.