Watching the “Karate Rap” feels like a crane kick to the face, and you’ll never erase the words “Ichi Ni San Chi” out of your head…ever.
Highlights of the Karate Rap include:
0:13 – “Relax and breathe” You’ll need to in order to watch the entire video.
0:20 – “Keep training…you’ll get it.” You know that ginger kid took this class because he got beat up on a daily basis.
0:24 – “Ichi Ni San Chi” The first of 845 times you’ll hear these words.
0:31 – The first appearance by Karate Girl, though her hair looks like it just earned a black belt in “needs conditioner.”
0:37 – Three
geishas white girls in makeup sing the chorus, singing about “karate train for money all the time.” Stupid geishas – Karate for self defense – ONLY!
0:45 – “Hey young boys, we just need to get some, ummmmm action shots, so just stretch and we’ll film you.”
0:54 – Karate guy’s punch takes out 6 dudes at once. Eat that, Matrix!
1:02 – Karate girl looks seductively at the camera, because karate is sexy.
1:22 – Best. part. ever. Some crazy 50-year-old man runs at us screaming with two hatchets.
1:30 – Hmmmm. Man in just a towel with 3 Asian chicks. This dojo has now become a sleazy massage parlor.
1:42 – “I’m a samaurette…” Because karate does not discriminate.
2:01 – “I train in my car!” How? You’re driving! I guess I can mow people down on the sidewalk and call it karate too. You know who else calls that karate? Grand Theft Auto.
2:15 – Editing error #234: Karate guy does a sweeping kick over the mic stand, grabs the mic like he’s Mick Jagger, and then throws the mic stand – only the mic stand falls back into camera view around 2:17.
2:19 – Have you heard of the Jazz Hands Technique?
2:30 – Not sure if these are pyrotechnics going off or if the drummer dropped a bottle rocket.
2:35 – Breaking single sheets of one inch plywood is impressive.
2:39 – Karate Kat!
2:50 – “It doesn’t matter what belt you have on” is quickly answered by Karate Guy with “I’m a black belt.” I guess it “doesn’t matter” as long as you have the highest belt. Until then…it matters. Kind of like Donald Trump saying “it doesn’t matter how rich you are.”
3:01 – “One good punch and then… … … …run like the dickens.” Awkward pause by Karate Girl as if it’s impossible to find a word to rhyme with “quickens.” It’s not like she had to rhyme with “orange.”
3:12 – “Kumite” means “I’ve failed as a human being” in Japanese.
3:21 – “Got a karate life, with a karate wife. Two karate kids and a karate home.” WAIT WHAT?! The ginger kid has a twin, AND the twins are THEIR KIDS??? Major plot twist, but this explains why mom and dad had to set up this dojo.
3:26 – “A Karate Dog, he’s got a Karate Bone!” How did his dog become a black belt? Not so braggy now are we, Karate Guy. Hong Kong Phooey would feel disrespected.
3:36 – You know what doesn’t “train your mind?” Slamming your head through 3 bricks.
3:40 – Karate bird looks a little uh…stiff. Did they buy it from Lloyd Christmas?
3:48 – If you’re a Sensei, then why would you want people to stay away? Wouldn’t you want people to sign up for karate training? Just ask Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese. He lost all of his students when he beat up Johnny after his loss to Daniel San.
3:57 – Karate Girl goes on a 10-second rap that sounds like someone trying to rhyme the first words that come into their head.
4:10 – They must have asked the aerobics instructor next door if she would “do something sexy” for their video.
4:12 – “Karate means never having to say you’re sorry” – Ancient Chinese proverb.
About the creators of the Karate Rap
At the time, MTVwould not even consider airing rap videos, which ironically became MTV’s bread and butter for the next few decades. But now, thanks to the world-wide internet, we can all enjoy the swift kick to the groin that is the Karate Rap.
However, the best part of the Karate Rap video is…David and Holly are also the stars!